Monday, February 16, 2009

A little sad today

Good lord, as tired as I am and as late as the day is, I should be getting in bed. But so much is going on I need to get some of this out of my head.

So busy with the service work this weekend and so many good things happened and so many bad things too. It's like this I love my service work and I am a traditions girl. I love the atmosphere of a business meeting, except when ego members destroy the integrity of it by name calling and down right bullying to get their way.
It makes me so sad to have left region so angry and yet I am also sad because next May my term as secretary will be over. There was so much insanity going on at the business meeting on Sunday that I don't even know if I left with all the information I was supposed to put into the minutes. The major jackass of the day created such a negative atmosphere and added so much chaos, it was like watching everyone go down in a quicksand of bullshit. They seemed to all follow suit and everyone was name calling and badgering and yelling at each other and nothing got done, and I sit here crying about this because I have higher expectations from the regional members to behave better. It takes just a couple of people to create such a hostile environment and the worst part was watching this regional service body pick and choose which traditions they were going to follow and which ones they would throw out the window at their convenience.

Taking the kids didn't work out as good as it looked like it would have on paper. We ended up missing an entire business meeting because we couldn't check in early and we spent a lot more money than we thought. I spent the whole day Friday cooking food to take with us to save on money and we still spent more than we needed.
The dance went well we had almost 100 in attendance which for our region is unheard of. So we were very excited about it. However, I didn't get a Valentine from Wes. It didn't bother me at first then the addict in me said he spent my Valentine money on the hotel so I could go to do my precious service work. You know I used to get these beautiful flowers from him all the time. We still get very romantic, and every time he kisses me it is like the first time, really. He kisses so passionately, but I do miss the roses so much. And it gets real lonely when I cannot share a bed with him because when I sleep on the damn thing my frigging back feels like it went completely numb and it hurts down my legs so bad I can't move. I have arthritis in my lower back and the doctor says it is the back of a 75 year old. Thanks so much Captain Stupid!! You reach through the recesses of time to fill me with misery!! It sucks to have this back problem, I know I could take some flexorell and sleep fine, but wake up hung over!! I feel like I am using when I take the medication. So then he was talking about spending money on a new bed, we just bought this one!! We cannot afford another one and I told him I was going to talk to the doctor about getting a different pain medication so I can sleep in the bed, but I need to talk to my sponsor first.

Then I got so upset at my family this morning that I emotionally blackmailed them into going to the gym with me. Last week my daughter was so excited to go and see Haley in gymnastics class, then this morning she was all like I am going to stay home and do laundry. Then Wes, who also agreed to go said he was going to work on sanding down the kitchen instead. I was so mad, I felt like my family doesn't love me, I sleep all alone at night, we were supposed to have this gym membership and use it as a family and my family never goes. I go by myself all the time what is the point!! I started screaming and crying and it was just awful. And then Wes asked me to sit down with him , and I just hate how calm and rational he always is and I am so irrational. And he says if it really means that much to me then just say so, he would go with me if I really wanted him to, he was just trying to get some work done. So "A" packed stuff to go and I told her she could stay home and she said no she was going so I am a total asshole now and really hate myself.
So I went to the counselors office and balled her out about my daughter. That went real well.
So I went to lead my meeting tonight and I chose the topic of relationships. It was a great meeting and we had 6 members there which was so nice since we as a group never have any visitors. That meeting really helped put me in reality and I need that. I need to call my sponsor too but she doesn't like to talk about service work and I need to. So I am a sad kitty today and here is my little thought;"The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance - it is the illusion of knowledge." - Daniel I. Boors


cw2smom said...

I am sorry about all of this and am sending good thoughts for a better tomorrow Sweetie! Get some rest! Hugs and Love, Lisa

child is ill said...

Wow. I'm sorry that it didn't turn out that well. I'm also sorry that your sponsor doesn't like to talk about service work. I would ask her if she talks to her sponsor about service work. Sometimes the good judt comes with the bad. I know that right now you feel like you've blackmailed the others in your family.
Relax.... It isn't always going to be like this. This too shall pass! If you enjoyed the time with the kids it's okay that you spent a little more.
Your service work is precious to you, don't take it personally. You can do service and not take on others attitudes. Remember we as addicts even if we don't agree with each other about anything else in the world need to be there for the still suffering addict and put everything aside to help them and this includes our feelings. that is what sets us apart. Luv ya sis!

Pam said...

that's odd, we had that exact business meeting in my area this past weekend as well. ;)
I hear ya sister.

Lou said...

Us irrational types sometimes get lucky and find us a rational one. What a blessing.
There are always bullies at meetings be they work meetings,or whatever. I find the majority of good sense usually prevails. You did your best. The fellowship has been around a long time, and it will be there in the future.
Start with a new day, OK!

Ann said...

Keep up the service work - I am learning MOUNDS and HEAPS of tolerance and patience by being involved in mine...growth sucks! Hang in there! And if no-one has told you today, you are appreciated!XO

Syd said...

It sounds like the meeting and sharing on relationships helped to get you grounded again. If I remember that I'm powerless over the assholes in the world and everyone else, and that I can't make others adopt my daily agenda, then I'm going to have a good day. But the moment that I force my will on others, then I make them and me miserable. hang in there.

steveroni said...

Don't know if I agree with this or not...however, I'm passing it on to you.

Several people here have two sponsors, a regular (for steps, etc.) and a "Service" sponsor. I never heard of such sponsorship stuff in many years, but then, lots of things have passed me by, as I just "stayed sober" unaware of the dervishes.

Love your blog.
Steve E.