Monday, November 9, 2009

weekend update

well i had a beautiful weekend i hope everyone else did the same. i would like to thank everyone for stopping by and commenting on my flash fiction friday. that was awesome. you guys are amazing. i have been working on some new artwork in photo shop this weekend and i am getting ready to get my fire marshal certificate. finally.

i finished my 7th step this weekend and it was very humbling. the questions took me though some of the things i have been struggling with lately. the following is taken from the 'Stepworking Guide of Narcotics Anonymous'

"We should not confuse humility with humiliation. When we are humiliated, we are ashamed; we feel worthless. Humility is almost the complete opposite of this feeling...
we've been stripping away layers of denial, ego, and self- centeredness. We have also been building a more positive self image and practicing spiritual principles. Before, we couldn't see our strengths because the good, healthy part of us was hidden behind our disease. Now we can. That is humility."

"Many of us came to NA with a certain "street" mentality. The only way we knew to get what we wanted was by approaching it indirectly and manipulating people."

"Humility is our own sense of humanness. We will focus on surrender, trust and faith, patience, and humility."

Some of the questions have been difficult to understand and I have often turned to my sponsor and the women in recovery and asked for guidance in the meaning of these questions. Recovery takes real work, work on myself so i can work with others. The purpose of step work is to stop living my life like a using addict. The minute i walked into the doors of Narcotics Anonymous I knew there was something different. Here were a bunch of people who claimed to be drug free, and I don't mean just from pot. These people claimed to use drugs like I did. some of them even worse than me. And they were happy, joyous and free. They were happy without drugs. At first I did not believe these people were addicts. After a while of coming back I saw they were not so perfect, I saw they still had demons they were fighting and even though they were not using drugs they were still using something. In NA we focus on the disease of addiction, not what you used. Addiction continues to manifest itself in our lives on a daily basis. Now a lot of addicts find themselves fighting the obsession and compulsion in different ways. Some of us use sex as a drug, and there are those that prey on newcomers. some of us use food as a drug, to fill the emptiness inside. Our denial blanket is very powerful and at times we don't even see it ourselves. that is why it is important for an addict to always be told the direct truth. We can easily deny it if it is not staring us straight in the face.

I often wonder why so many members choose to not work this program. it is not easy, there i said it. we are addicts and our entire lives we have always looked for the quick fix. the miracle drug that will cure our problems. And some of us found that. the miracle drug, the one that will cure us from ourselves. and some of us die without ever knowing true freedom from active addiction.

i see members who live by the program, usually most of those members are at the regional business meetings. i truly get inspired by some of them. there is one lady who hardly ever sees eye to eye with me on anything. she is truly one of my favorite people. because this gal doesn't just have that 'i'm right and your wrong' attitude, she always sits down with me and explains her point of view using the traditions and the concepts of NA. and i learn so much from that. i love having an open mind to know i am not right, and with people who use reason and traditions, i don't have to be right i am with the right people and i get filled with the thoughts that it will be OK.
Well I haven't been to the gym in a few days and I was set to go today and I didn't care if my babies were sick, well now I have the sniffles and I am exhausted. I had it all planned out, no matter what... this is so funny because I read the daily meditation today and it says; 'There’s an old saying we sometimes hear in our meetings: “If you want to make God laugh, make plans.” '
Ain't that the truth!?! So here i sit a little more humble, a little more grateful as I surrender that today, I will not go to the gym, today I will rest. I am OK with that.

We had our area business meeting yesterday and I must say it was the first time in a long time that I felt good about it. I agreed to type up the minutes for our chair, he is a great guy and I am OK with filling in from time to time.

We are potty training the bean and I am suffering from "The Potty Training Blues" and it is difficult for my ego i guess. I am doing it wrong!!! that is what i tell myself. But one thing i have noticed is that my haley has not had one accident since we started training the bean. And she has gone quite a bit, but she won't go or tell me she has to go. In fact I usually have to chase her down and carry her in there, as she giggles all the way. and that is the most frustrating part, that she is so full of self will, to not go. and if she would just follow my will... so i am learning a new level of patience, to say the least. so here is my gratitude list;

1. today i am grateful i surrendered to this program.
2. today i am grateful i am clean and serene.
3. today i am grateful we have 2 new groups coming to our area.
4. today i am grateful to get to stay home with my children.
5. today i am grateful for the freedom from obsession and compulsion.
6. today i am grateful for my relationship with my higher power.
7. today i am grateful i finished step 7.
8. today i am grateful for the willingness to continue to step 8.
9. today i am grateful for the rain outside, it cleans the air and smells so fresh and new.
10. today i am grateful for my home and my family.

i can just go on and on i am so grateful for all those who continue to read my blog. it gets sad when i lose a follower but i do not let it bog me down, i have a great group of friends i never would have imagined who have been stopping by for over a year now and it is truly amazing how therapeutic blogging can be!! Oh and i need to give a shout out to Mom and Dad over at 'An addict in our sons bedroom" Congratulations on being invited to write on "Partnership for a drug Free America". If you get a chance stop by and say hi!! They are truly an amazing pair who have turned the pain of their son's addiction into such a powerful and positive venue for others in the same situation. so for todays thought; "The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one."- Elbert Hubbard

14 comments:

Nessa said...

Very interesting information on humility. Very helpful. Thanks.

Meet My Mates #3 - Quilly

Syd said...

Glad that you had a great weekend. And that you enjoy writing here as much as I enjoy reading you. It is amazing how therapeutic this can be.

Gin said...

Well from one of your followers that is still here, thank you. I love reading your blogs. They are always so beautiful.

Chic Mama said...

Really informative post, I love reading your perspective on addiction, it's so enlightening.
I'm putting off potty training my toddler as long as possible although he's refusing to even try anyway.
I hope it goes well. X

Busy Bee Suz said...

congrats on making it one more step...in the right direction.
Good luck with the potty training...gads, seems like it was forever ago!!

Gabriella Moonlight said...

I know I am so grateful you are here on the blogs and reading you always fills me with gratitude.

Great list.

Great posting on step 7 and our various manners of working them...keep at it...it's always amazing the miracles that I see and feel each day!

Hugs
G

Lou said...

FYI, if someone deletes their blog, I'm pretty sure their follower thing deletes also. So that is what happens sometime when you lose a follower. I took mine off my blog, it was driving me batty!

Shadow said...

kids and 'my will' just don't go hand in hand, heee heee heee. it's best to sit back and let them dictate. when they're ready, they're ready. and whooooohoooo on step 7!

Ms Hen said...

Your gratitude list is always special..

Fear is something that makes us paralyze... I try to live more freer now.. and things work out .. GREAT..

ms hen.

Chic Mama said...

There is an award for you at mine. x

kberman said...

You and your parents live the best life of all--a life of service. I took another 5th step a few weeks ago--it is my 5th one in 32 years so the Steps will continue to sustain you throughout your life.
I have need of reparenting links at
kathyberman.com.

Chic Mama said...

Thought I'd answer your question here....
You just add a gadget to your sidebar.....I think I used a text one. Copy and then paste the award into this and you can add to it with each award. If you want it below your blog roll just delete your blog roll and then add it after you've done the award. Then the awards ( you can keep adding) come after the blog roll. I Hope you understand what I'm saying ( not v good at explaining. )xxx

Midnitefyrfly said...

go easy on yourself on the potty training mama!!! We are about to start with my little one. Potty time Elmo DVD has helped soooooo MUCH. We are not pressuring her. Just suggesting it or asking if she wants to try it.

Like my pediatrician said- "there is no one that just never learned to use the toilet"

Great info. Sometimes your posts make me want to work the steps just for my life since I have been clean a good bit.

Hope your week is going well :)

Mama Zen said...

"There’s an old saying we sometimes hear in our meetings: “If you want to make God laugh, make plans.” '

That's one of my favorite sayings!