Wednesday, November 18, 2009

surrender to the next level

no sooner did i hit 'publish post' yesterday, then my bean came to me and said 'mommy i need to go potty'. i swear i almost cried. she asked 4 or 5 times yesterday.

now for my real post. we had therapy last night. i am very angry over it today. i am acting out in anger over little things now and i know why i am angry, but do not know how to surrender this. it's such a long story but i have to try to get it out so i can function today without being angry.

we discussed finances last night and the fact that i feel very subservient to Wes. we had an argument the other day about going to a meeting. i was invited to go to the women's meeting but it would mean "A" would baby sit for an hour. Wes asked how much did we owe her already, he then said didn't you go to your sponsors this week? and i was like yes your right, then he said it is regional weekend and we will be owing her 50 bucks for that. so i did not go to the meeting, in fact i have not been to a meeting in over a week. he told the counselor that he wasn't saying i couldn't go to the meeting, but this is what i am talking about. i am a little kid in this what ever you want to call it, relationship i guess. so that was not the part that upset me, we discussed how i tend to feel like a victim and then he brought up captain stupid again and said it is like i think he is him or something.

this is what upset me, the counselor then started to talk to him about my perspective and he said he had this fear that one day he would come home and i would make some obscene purchase and we would not have money to pay bills. he said that has happened before and it will NEVER happen again, period. not that i ever have access to any money, besides the 25 dollar allowance he gives me once in a while, like every couple of months.

so here is my situation, i have no job, i have no income, i have no reasonable family left to help me, i am not allowed to go shopping, when i make a request for something, remember the Harlem globe trotters, it makes him feel bad or gives him fear that if i did have access to money i would go and do something like that. and he stated, when she said well if you came home and she did this it would simply have to be taken back to the store, you know make a big purchase without consulting him, he said oh there won't be a possibility of that ever happening again i will never be put in that position again.

this was not said in the meeting, but I have never, ever put him in that position, his ex-wife did. she was a real treat, he knew her for less then a year and married her, they were together for almost 3 years and he divorced her and it was ugly. she put him through the ringer. right now i hate this woman with every fiber of my being.

i did not say anything about his comment of the situation. i felt like, this is never going to work between us. he has no trust in me, then in the same sentence he was saying 'she thinks because we get into arguments we are not on the same team!'

we aren't on the same team, he has me pigeonholed and just pushed far enough away not to trust me. they talked about 'his' budget and that i need to respect that. i thought it was our budget, and i do respect that, does this mean i can't say i want something? he wants things all the time, in fact he talks about me asking for too much, he went to a men's retreat and spent a couple of hundred dollars, how did that fit into his budget? he went to Colorado and spent about 500 dollars, was that in his budget? i went to a sleepover that cost 15 bucks, and i am not frugal enough!!! my ABS went out in my car, we did nothing for it, he decided his new truck was running rough from the trip so he bought new shocks and had them installed , then it was still a little rough so he spent a little more money and had his tires rotated, my car hasn't been serviced in a year, but i am the one who makes all the big purchases because i said i wanted to go to the Harlem Globetrotters, oh and the other thing we were in Sam's club last summer and i saw one of those wooded playgrounds, you know with a slide and swing, it was 400 dollars and i asked him if we could get it. he said no i let it go and he brought that up to the therapist ooh, i am some big money hungry bitch or something out to get his money.

like i don't? and to top it off after i was left feeling about 2 centimeters tall, we get home and my sister needed me to watch her kids, she said, i don't have the time to go get the 12 bucks to pay the lady for watching my kids can you watch them?!? do you think she paid me? no. then when i was bathing the kids, they were splashing too much and Wes came out of his room and screamed "Everyone out of the F'n tub now!!" if that didn't trigger captain stupid. i haven't spoken to him since, he came out of his room late last night and apologized for getting angry, but with all the crap that i am not allowed to talk about because of this 24 hour rule, and the fact that i am now in this irrational thought process that this morning i wouldn't even give him a kiss good by.

so now it won't matter why i am upset, because of the fact that i am holding on to being angry, no matter what the reason, i will be the one who is wrong. we do not see the counselor until the first of December.

really there is nothing i can do, they are his feelings. as far as i know he will always be afraid of me and not trust my judgment when it comes to finances. that is fine with me, but don't be a hypocrite and say we are on the same team when there is no trust.

i don't want to ask him for anything, i have to this is the situation we are in. i have no job, i discussed getting one and he said in order to afford the sitter for our kids i would need a job that paid 15 bucks an hour if i was going to have any money left over. every time i try to do something that would make money it only costs money and now this damn daycare thing, i can't even purchase a mount for my fire extinguisher. we have to go to a manufacturer and ask them to get one and god only knows how long that will take. at this point i just want to get my license and get a clientele and make my own money so i can leave. then he won't have to worry about me messing with 'his' budget and he will never have to worry how i spend money, it will be my money.

he just emailed me and asked to get him the information the counselor told him about some online test we need to take and it costs 75 bucks for each of us to take it. if he decided to i will tell him to go ahead, i will not spend 75 dollars on this, i don't need to know my personality. i am just there and i do not want to accept that it is just where he is, because i feel he will never change. i think it will only get worse, look how angry he was last night, it gets easier you know. to yell. it is like i turn men into abusers and if i stay with him much longer, that is what he will become. that is where i am at today, and i don't like being here.

here is my thought today, then i have housekeeping, and a ton of running around to do. i believe this a very appropriate thought for me, it helps me with humility and looking at my situation without building it into something it is not. when i read over this, again, because i will, it will help me to surrender a little bit more, and just accept where i am at because right now there is nothing i can do to change my situation so here goes; "Gently remind yourself that life is okay the way it is, right now. In the absence of your judgment, everything would be fine. As you begin to eliminate your need for perfection in all areas of your life, you'll begin to discover the perfection in life itself."- Richard Carlson (Don't sweat the Small Stuff)


Andrea said...

First, you need to be honest with the counselor and she needs to know you never put him in that situation.

Second, it sounds like he needs counseling. You have more than one situation you are dealing with. You need your meetings to help with your recovery, but you need counseling to help deal with what is going on at home. I am not saying he is a bad person. He is acting out of fear, too.

Do not put yourself down for being discouraged in this situation. Talk openly and honestly to the counselor. If you did it, own it, but if you have not done it, DO NOT OWN IT! The counselor can not see through his facade if you are not giving her a clear picture.

Hang in there!
Praying for you, andrea

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

One thing in particular struck me in this post. You said "it is like i turn men into abusers and if i stay with him much longer, that is what he will become." You do not turn men into abusers, the man has that power and makes those choices, no matter what you could possibly say or do. If a man is abusive it is a direct result of his actions, decision and has nothing to do with you. Please know that. I feel for you today as I once felt like a slave to my ex. I always felt like he held me back and kept me hostage by holding all the financial cards so to speak. I did finally go back to school and with some help from family in the beginning, go away from him. I hope you can gain some acceptance and just grow from it, move forward for youself. God Bless you!

Nessa said...

Wow, this is a tough situation. You need to take a deep breath and calmly speak your truth when you are in counseling. If he is acting in fear from what his ex-wife did, you need to tell the counselor that. As hard as it is, you must keep control of your emotions when discussing something as volatile as finances. Wait until you've worked out your emotions before trying to discuss this subject.

We DO NOT EVER MAKE SOMEONE ABUSE US. That is their lack of control and self esteem.

clean and crazy said...

thanks so much for your thoughts, i really appreciate them, i know i need to discuss this stuff with the counselor but we were out of time it was almost at the end of the session, when he yells it triggers the past, and i need to clarify that he has never raised a hand to me or the kids and that he has only ever yelled at me 3 times as opposed to my yelling often.
it just feels like it gets easier to yell and be angry, you know.

Ms Hen said...

Do you have any PAC AA meetings? The ones that are called Parents and Children; so you are allowed to bring the children and no babysitting fees?

When my children were little (whether married or not)... I found so many FREE things to do... to relieve stress of money..

So much fun stuff.. that I did let my ex (when I was married)... spend more on his so-called 'wants'..

But the car being service is safety issue.. and should be at top priority..

Free stuff; Library classes where they read a book and made an arts and craft.... free nature classes at Central Park and so forth..

Library free movie time... borrowing free books; DVD; audio cassette.. always packing food and baking to not spend money.. and so forth.

I had so much FREE fun...

Also they have AA over the phone if you have unlimited free calling. I do the al-anon over the phone..

I keep on speaker phone and clean and cook etc.. and they bring peace when I can't get to a meeting..etc. :)

Money is the #1 stress in a marriage..they say; and the #1 cause of problems.. while the children are little best to have a peaceful home; ... and do as much as possible for free..

And soon the children will be in school and you can work part time.. and have more money; and so forth..

It does sound that there is an uneven balance with the Wants..

My exhusband used to hand me his paychecks and expect me to perform marriage.. lol.. but there was no HIS or HER money... but he did have too many WANTS and it was really me giving him the WANTS more and more..

It was me kind of depriving me more..

My mother in law would buy me things; and tell me to not deprive myself.. lol.


Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

That stuff kills.


Praying for you.

Patrick said...

Hang in there, and it is both of your's budget...New shocks and no ABS? Hope things get better for you real soon.

Prayer Girl said...

Abuse has many faces. Abuse isn't just physical in nature. There is also emotional and mental abuse. I didn't always know this. I used to wish my husband would hit me - then I would understand why I was so crazy and hurt.

I discovered later I was a victim of abuse - just not physical.

Give it some thought. I don't know what your situation is. Only you know.

It might help to keep track of some of these issues that are so upsetting and next time you go to the counselor, take them to discuss.

I pray for you.

Shadow said...

so so happy about the potty!!!

re. the money, i understand your feelings completely. i work for hubby at his business, and afternoon's i do the mom's taxi. i get some spending money, and a credit card for groceries, but it also is watched and queried, and i too feel like i have to report back, like he's my father checking up on me all the time. we haven't found a peaceful ground on this yet, all i can say is keep talking about it until you do. this can be a nightmare...

Syd said...

This sounds like a situation where resentments are building up on both sides. When this happens I need to think about my role and what I can do to change. Getting a job would be the best situation so that you could have your own money. It would also help your self-esteem I believe.There may be need for extra help at stores during the holidays. Perhaps you could find a job that meets expenses. I do think that both parties need to be honest in counseling. Hang in there. Gratitude and God need to be with you now.

Ann said...

Syd said exactly what I was thinking. And there are a lot fo jobs available right now for evening retail help etc where HE can watch the kids at night a you get to escape (I mean work) :-)

Steve E said...

Andrea (I've never called you that--I LIKE it, though!) Every one of the comments I read here are Soooo good. I was going to suggest Alanon, but if you cannot even get to an AA meeting.....

He sure sounds like a drunk--whether drinking or not. A power hungry guy at the least.

Counseling, as every other recovery-oriented tool, needs a starter kit, which includes a recognition that there is a problem--and a WILLINGNESS to seek help (honestly?) and it does not sound as if he is THERE, with you.

When all else fails..PRAY -grin!

Steve E said...

Sorry, you are NOT Andrea, I'll take the FIFTH (Amendment!).

Guess I just SO need a name when I'm writing a comment, any name, not necessarily your name.

I apologize to you Clean and Crazy, AND Andrea!

Lou said...

Money is a form of control. He has to understand in a marriage it is "our" money. A marriage is two people pooling their strength and weakness and working together. I think counseling is the way to get started on finding a compromise you both can live with. Everyone has different feelings about money--my husband gets very anxious about any debt, even when we can afford it. It just makes him Wes like that? Usually there is one person in the marriage who handles the money, but the other person has to trust them to do what is best for both.

I don't understand a counselor suggesting you spend $150 for a test?? Doesn't she realize that is a lot of money for some people. Ask her for an alternative, perhaps something you could download for free.

Larry said...

I simply offer prayers for you don't take blame for the stuff you don't do but own up to the things you do. abuse is mental emotional & physical. if he truly loves you he'll never hit you or abuse you in any way it took me many years to understand and master that and I'm proud of it too. I can only pray and I'll do that every day.


have a blast over the weekend.!

DivineMistyM's Opinion said...

We may not be on good terms, but, you two need to have a clear conversation about this. Pay nana to take the little ones to a movie or something, or ask her to do it for you as a favor. She is your daughter, and she would do anything for you. He needs to understand where you are coming from. I make the money but I can not control it here cause I'm a shop-a-holic like dad was. Which is cool with me. BUT, I get what I need when I need it and if I want something, I usually get it, unless the kids need something. This is a way for him to control you cause I did the same to my hb, and we are just now getting back to where we were before the financial issues. Talk it over with him, UNDERSTAND his fears. It might not be a purchase so much as giving you access to money and you running away with the kids. I though HB would leave me if he had money or a job, I feared our love wasn't enough to keep him here, I was wrong. Your man might be feeling the same way. TALK to him or your counselor and tell the counselor exactly what happened and don't let your man interrupt you since you let him speak last week. It's your turn this week. You are strong, you have a voice, and what you say MATTERS.