Flash Fiction Friday- struggling hope

Every Friday write a story of 55 words
no more, no less and report it to the G-Man!!




"how do i stop this tension in my head,
when the demons are playing
with all that went unsaid?
I've struggled and screamed,
i cried on the floor
letting go is the answer
i can't fight anymore.
this dream of "us" i
will pray to hold
because the love i feel
will never grow old"

I have been struggling this week and this is where i am at, here you go G-man. Wes's birthday is this weekend, his friend has decided to do a surprise party tomorrow, so there won't be any conflict, but we are still going to stay home on Sunday. i just feel like i was used by my friend as her scapegoat, her excuse to leave the group. and i don't like the way that makes me feel. Wes is off for 10 days, he will be putting in a lot of studying and I will be cooking and visiting with his mother. i am looking forward to it, she is a nice lady with no one to visit. she lives alone and i am a good housekeeper and i think i am good company. plus i really miss my mom and this will be nice to have a mom again, even if i am borrowing his. there really is so much to be grateful for. when i get out of the way life is pretty good, i just need to remember it is not 'life on Suzie's terms' it is 'life on life's terms.' if i want change i need to make it.

i will i know i can and everything i am learning now will only benefit me later. i am truly grateful for all your thoughts and comments, thank you for taking the time to not only read, but to leave comments.

i will be reading up on Mr. know-it all's spot in the morning to catch up on all of Fridays players, and to check out my own dash board. Wes will be in school till 11 am then we are off to lunch at his friends, he doesn't know it. i made a collage of his rafting pictures and had it blown up to a 20x30 and framed and mounted, his friend picked it up for me, his friend is sitting in the front of the raft with him, and he just though it was awesome. so i think my honey will like it. i wanted him to have it hanging in the room so when he wakes up in the morning he sees he has some good things to be grateful for. i think he is grateful, i just think i read way too much into what he says. i am so used to people who manipulate are say one thing and mean another, that i just take for granted he is not that way.

it takes me a few days to get humble and to be grateful for my life. it sickens me how i behave when i am lost in an alternate reality. i twist the truth and i become really angry and spiteful.
i don't like this about me. i still feel like i am not being heard, and it makes me resentful. i really don't know what he thinks, and i don't like that either.

i know he loves me, i know when i come at him with all my thunderous emotions, he tries to calm me down and tells me 'we are on the same team, i am not your enemy.' when i am angry i feel like he is my enemy. i REALLY need a meeting. here is my thought today; "hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and do the right thing, the dawn will come. you wait and watch and work: you don't give up."-Ann Lamott