Friday, November 20, 2009

Flash Fiction Friday- struggling hope

Every Friday write a story of 55 words
no more, no less and report it to the G-Man!!

"how do i stop this tension in my head,
when the demons are playing
with all that went unsaid?
I've struggled and screamed,
i cried on the floor
letting go is the answer
i can't fight anymore.
this dream of "us" i
will pray to hold
because the love i feel
will never grow old"

I have been struggling this week and this is where i am at, here you go G-man. Wes's birthday is this weekend, his friend has decided to do a surprise party tomorrow, so there won't be any conflict, but we are still going to stay home on Sunday. i just feel like i was used by my friend as her scapegoat, her excuse to leave the group. and i don't like the way that makes me feel. Wes is off for 10 days, he will be putting in a lot of studying and I will be cooking and visiting with his mother. i am looking forward to it, she is a nice lady with no one to visit. she lives alone and i am a good housekeeper and i think i am good company. plus i really miss my mom and this will be nice to have a mom again, even if i am borrowing his. there really is so much to be grateful for. when i get out of the way life is pretty good, i just need to remember it is not 'life on Suzie's terms' it is 'life on life's terms.' if i want change i need to make it.

i will i know i can and everything i am learning now will only benefit me later. i am truly grateful for all your thoughts and comments, thank you for taking the time to not only read, but to leave comments.

i will be reading up on Mr. know-it all's spot in the morning to catch up on all of Fridays players, and to check out my own dash board. Wes will be in school till 11 am then we are off to lunch at his friends, he doesn't know it. i made a collage of his rafting pictures and had it blown up to a 20x30 and framed and mounted, his friend picked it up for me, his friend is sitting in the front of the raft with him, and he just though it was awesome. so i think my honey will like it. i wanted him to have it hanging in the room so when he wakes up in the morning he sees he has some good things to be grateful for. i think he is grateful, i just think i read way too much into what he says. i am so used to people who manipulate are say one thing and mean another, that i just take for granted he is not that way.

it takes me a few days to get humble and to be grateful for my life. it sickens me how i behave when i am lost in an alternate reality. i twist the truth and i become really angry and spiteful.
i don't like this about me. i still feel like i am not being heard, and it makes me resentful. i really don't know what he thinks, and i don't like that either.

i know he loves me, i know when i come at him with all my thunderous emotions, he tries to calm me down and tells me 'we are on the same team, i am not your enemy.' when i am angry i feel like he is my enemy. i REALLY need a meeting. here is my thought today; "hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and do the right thing, the dawn will come. you wait and watch and work: you don't give up."-Ann Lamott


Chic Mama said...

Your 55 words are very thought provoking. I don't know what to say about the rest of it because you are so much more wise on how/what to do than I am.
Whenever I moan I always think of you because you ALWAYS find something positive out of something bad or hard. I have so much admiration for you.
Enjoy Wes' birthday and your time with his mother.
Take lots of care. x
PS The only thing I can say is maybe sometimes when we've been hurt in the past we tend to push people away that do love us, maybe to protect us from getting hurt again?

Shadow said...

i felt your 55. deeply. have a good time with wes this weekend!

G-Man said...

Thanks CC, I was starting to fret about you.
I loved your heartfelt 55!
Please try and relax these next few days.
I appreciate you very much, you are one of the most loyal and talented writers I know!
You Rock from Hays to Salinas!
Have a Wonderful Week-End...G

Lou said...

That quote is one I'll tape up on my desk.

Nessa said...

You are doing the best thing you can do - keep talking to your self ferreting out the reality from your perceptions.

Silly Saturday #7 - Charm or Chores?

Susan at Stony River said...

What a 55--it was worth waiting for!

Funny enough, it's exactly what I need to hear, and I'm reading it on my own wedding anniversary (which as usual isn't going too well!!) I thank you from my heart for sharing this--and I hope you have a wonderful weekend and that all things work out, faster and more easily than you hope!

sarah said...

great 55. It's totally from the heart and real.....Sarah

Indigo said...

Heartfelt 55. You're not alone in feeling this way hon. I'm the same way. I get so angry and frusterated some days. I have days my deafness seems like too much to bare and life is cruel.

When I get like that all my emotions fly outward toward who ever is closest. Paul gets it. He waits for the tempest to calm down and he talks me through whatever is going on.

Hang in there. Hopefully someday we both find the other side of our emotional outburst. (Hugs)Indigo

Busy Bee Suz said...

You always pack so much into your 55 words...I love it.
I hope Wes has a great birthday and remember, Men don't really think about things like we do...we tend to overanalyze everything. Don't stress out on him...he loves you.
Loving his Mom and treating her well, this speaks volumes to him and the rest of the world.
take care, suz

Tall Kay said...

Don't ever give up...the miracle is just around the next corner! You may not see it yet, but you are growing. It is awesome to see!

Very wise 55! Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy the parties!

myrtle beached whale said...

Thanks for visiting my blog. One day at a time, baby.

Midnitefyrfly said...

I can really understand and feel what you have said. Separating past relationships from current ones and letting go of expectations built on past hurt is tough work! Sometimes it is really hard to see reality.

The wonderful thing I see, is that you are trying and you want to. You are working on yourself and your relationship. You have great insight and are making really positive progress. You are a great writer and I love the way that you share all of your reality and even your alternate realities at times.

Thanks for being so real. I hope you are having a great weekend :)

Mona said...

Letting go is the answer to many a troubles! Great 55ve as always!

Syd said...

I know that my alternative reality can really mess with my head. I have to just remember that I can turn to my Higher Power whenever problems occur. I'm glad that you know Wes is not your enemy.