sessions

'we humbly ask him to remove our shortcomings'
as i work this step i am learning more things about myself that i never knew before. i thought i was an angry person. i thought i was not worth anything. that last sentence still rings true for me.

we had our couples counseling tonight. of course she asked the question; 'what brought you to therapy?'. and of course i answered, me. because i feel there is this huge gap in our communication. and i know i am right. we don't see things on the same level and i don't know how to bridge that gap. somehow i feel the session focused on me, as i did most of the talking and crying. he is very rational and thinks about things a lot. the therapist came to the understanding of our personalities and that his is that of a 'thinker' and mine a 'feeler'. i thought well that's a stretch.

i think i am relieved to have been heard, i mean she understood that when i talk to him, and i do this a lot, but when i am trying to get my point across, sometimes i get emotional, and when we disagree and he is missing my point i start to elevate my voice. i come from a long line of screamers. that was how i learned to communicate is by screaming. this is something that i have been making great strides in. not screaming, and yet when we disagree i take it there because , i don't know it is like maybe if i say this louder, maybe he will hear me.

that usually makes him say 'what are you doing?' which pisses me off and then he is like, why are you yelling at me we are on the same team. and he said when i yell i make him feel like the enemy. at which point what ever it is i was trying to say has gone completely out the window and now i am wrong because i got emotional.

i felt like the session went a bit that way tonight. although i kind of took it there. because i am honest and admit when i am wrong, but it felt like it was mostly about me. it also felt like she understood though the thought process we were going through and tried to explain to me how when he comes in to a situation he is trying to look for a solution as 'thinkers' do. and this may come off as detached or calloused on the 'thinkers' part and they may be way off base so of course we are missing our mark in communication. so we go back in two weeks and she wants to know about my mother....

i thought, why doesn't she want to know about his mother?

wes and i cannot speak about what was said in the session for 24 hours, that is her rule. we have to wait 24 hours before talking to each other about what we said. and me being the addict i am, wants to know right now what he thinks about what i said!! insane aren't i? i promise not to let them embalm me g-man!!

i feel though that i am on the right track here, if it is my shit and it probably is, then i want to see it for what it is and deal with it. if i am being too hard on myself then i need to work on that. i need to allow myself to stand in my own truth and ask for what i need.

i know this, i love him very much. i know right now that he feels the same about me. relationships take a lot of work. i am willing to do whatever it takes. even if it means to get my shit out of the way so we can be.

gratitude list haven't had time to post comment or be grateful lately so here goes;

1. today i am grateful for the willingness to look at my issues and own them.
2. today i am grateful for the wonderful Halloween we had!!!
3. today i am grateful for my creativity in getting costumes made!!
4. today i am grateful for my willingness to make mistakes and learn from them.
5. today i am grateful for my family, who loves me in spite of me.
6. today i am grateful for my health.
7. today i am grateful for sticking to my diet, so far 7 pounds gone!!
8. today i am grateful for my recovery family.
9. today i am grateful my bean went #2 in the potty!!!
10. today i am grateful for my ability to blog and for my blogging buddies!!!

i still have my Halloween decor out i need to bring it down and get ready for turkey day. i only ate a couple (2) pieces of candy and managed to lose another pound even though i missed the gym for several days last week. i did have trouble speaking up this weekend when it came to getting groceries and what i needed for my diet. we talked about that tonight too. Wes went to study as he has a big test coming up tomorrow so I called a gal in recovery to talk about the session then had to blog about it just so i am not anxious when he gets home. i don't think he will have anything to say about what i said and i need to be ok with that. because it doesn't mean he doesn't care, it just means he has nothing to say. today i am grateful that he is willing to work with me through what ever it may be, and it may be me. even though i think it is him. so for todays thought; "Of all the 'attitudes' we can acquire, surely the attitude of gratitude is the most important and by far the most life-changing."-Zig Ziglar
(Zig Ziglar's Little Book of Big Quotes)