Tuesday, September 15, 2009

some days are a struggle

today is a struggle for me. i cannot seem to shake my anger. i am so angry today. the kids are making me angry and they are not doing anything wrong. i went to a meeting last night and i am still angry. i am working on my 7th step and the questions are making me angry.
how does one remove a character defect? how do you ask for it to be removed. i am not being sarcastic this is the real question. and you know i went to the meeting last night looking for guidance, but how do you get guidance from the same 2 people. i went to a different meeting last week and it was not a good meeting. nobody there wanted to be honest, am i being judgmental, i hope so because why is it that i am the only one who will admit to her defects.
why do so many choose to be clean but live dirty.

i am resentful of my baby. i am becoming resentful towards my little bean because there is a huge difference in the discipline given between her and Haley from Wes. i cannot stand by and watch this without saying something and i do not seem to say what it is i need to say for him to really understand what i am saying.
i know Wes provides for Haley and she loves him dearly, he is her father. but when it is so blatant how he favors Gillian, right in front of Haley, i just can't stand it.
last night i was angry, i am angry about these damn medical bills that keep taking every extra penny we get. i could feel it and when i was trying to talk with him last night the girls were just screaming their little heads off. very chaotic scene. Wes instructed them to go and sit down and get away from the gate, Haley did as she was told , but she was crying, gill continued to stand there and pitch a tantrum.
Wes then tells Haley if she keeps it up she is going to get a spank. i said in a very angry but clearly suppressed tone will you please tell Gillian the same thing!

you know when Haley hits Gillian he yells at her to get in the corner but turn the page and Haley gets poked in the eye and he says oh she is ok. i then yelled at the bean since clearly she was not getting disciplined from him over the same thing Haley would get in trouble for.

i have asked him for counseling. i have told him my feelings on this. i have told him how my sister and me had no relationship until my father died. i have told him how much i hated my sister and i do not want these girls to hate each other. now here i am taking sides. being angry at my daughter because her father refuses to hear my pleas in this situation.

secrets keep me sick. this is an honest program. i cannot get a hold of my sponsor and i am sick of her answering machine. i am refusing to pick up the phone for other addicts right now because i just want to be angry i guess.
it is easier to be angry and self righteous then to try to communicate and continue to get it wrong. why try when he won't hear me anyway. that is my pity pot.

they are napping right now. i want to start my day over. i feel very pressured right now. i cannot get the things done that i need to pass my fire inspection. last night i asked a member if he could help install my fire alarms, he said he would call me today, still no call. i told Wes about this and he said the guy is a flake and don't' expect him to call anytime soon. well i certainly don't expect Wes to put them up any time soon but he does not have to be so flipping negative to me for trying. i feel my powerlessness right now and it is a very vulnerable feeling.

i cannot go to a meeting tonight, as it is Wes's night, i was going to take the girls to the YMCA to swim instead. i cannot go tomorrow night Wes will be in school and i have a training class on Thursday as well as parent teacher conferences. i want to call the dentist since Haley has chipped one of her new caps but i am afraid of more medical bills. i have "A's" sweet 16 in October and probably won't be able to get her anything with all these incoming bills, the girls both have birthdays in December and Wes in November and his clean date of 19 years in October as well. i have no new income coming in and i still need to pay for my license fees. and now i need to return some tot locks for a type that are twice as much because Wes had too much trouble installing the ones i got that were already 30 dollars for eight of them.

i feel like when i cannot communicate to him, like last night, i am not standing in my own truth. i know i was too angry last night to talk to him. so it was good not too but i am not sure how to and when i don't talk i feel like i am stuffing it and now i am ready to explode and i do not want that. sometimes i hate being me, why is it that some days are great and i can handle my emotions and others are like this. i know as an addict there will always be days like this for me. i know this is some lesson i need to learn and it will continue to hurt until i learn it.

i just want to start my day over and be with my girls and enjoy them. i keep getting angry and then i don't enjoy the moment. i just don't want this anger anymore. this demon seems to be getting the better of me today. i want a quick fix and i am obsessing about going shopping and spending money or going to the MacDonald's drive through with them and having a happy meal.
we never do that, we never go out, i don't even like MacDonald's. i think we will go and then have a picnic at the park, if Wes doesn't like it , tough, i need to not be constantly cleaning and keeping all these chores done and all these responsibilities. they can wait. but when i do go and do this it feels like such an emotional relapse and i hate myself for it. see how crazy i can drive myself. i am so sad right now and i feel all alone, and i feel so distant from Wes because i haven't told him how i am feeling. he wants me to tell him but it feels like i am keeping a secret from him and i am just trying to sort out my thoughts, control the outcome if you will, before i speak to him.
i think i need a gratitude list;
1. today i am grateful for my computer skills, it gives me a new freedom to get my thoughts out there and isolate less.
2. today i am grateful for Haley, she really was my miracle baby, i never thought i would be blessed with another child.
3. today i am grateful for Gillian, she was my Christmas present, we thought there were serious complications with some testing we did when i was pregnant, but she is the most healthiest and beautiful little thing.
4. today i am grateful i can still hold my babies at night, my bean still comes out to sleep with me, i let her because it just will not last forever.
5. today i am grateful for the sun finally coming up it has rained for about 5 days here, my poor garden has suffered so much.

it is hard for me to be grateful today, my head keeps twisting up the negative. i am still trying though. i was extremely saddened about the loss of Patrick Swayze yesterday. i have been obsessed with cancer victims and i hate it when one loses their battle to this insidious disease. cancer really sucks, the current medical situation really sucks, i really hope for this reform bill. the bickering that goes on in Washington really sucks right now. we need health care reform and we need it now.i am babbling now so here is my thought today;"Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things."--T. S. Eliot

9 comments:

Ann said...

Thank you for sharing this....hopefully it make it easier for you to bear. We all have days and weeks like this - just keep trudging along until the next thing you know, you will be skipping again!Always darkest before the dawn...you and your family are in my prayers!!! Thank you for sharing this post!

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

I know when you read over your post, it will bring you clarity and answers. I hope your day gets better and better, this too shall pass.

Chic Mama said...

You're entitled to feel angry, everyone has days like these..unfortunately.
I haven't got anything constructive to say other than I hope the feelings pass quickly....
The other day I couldn't stop crying and I was getting angry with myself and thought I would never stop. Today, those tears are dry, just.
One day at a time....you really should be proud at what you have achieved.
I hope you manage to sort out the problems with Wes and the girls etc.
Take care.

Shadow said...

there is no quick fix, no matter how desperately we want one. yet i sometimes wonder if this anger doesn't serve a purpose. it being, to spur you one, to make a change, to do what you're normally too fearful(?), too timid(?) to do?? because you don't want to rock the boat, don't want to make changes, are afraid of what those changes may be??? i too feel this inexplicable, unreasonable, nearly uncontrollable anger at times, and no! don't make me feel better, it's like i want to be angry. just as you say. maybe because i'm usually passive aggressive? who knows. maybe. probably. mmmm, hope you feel better soon...

G-Man said...

Serenity now...
Serenity now...

(Loved your Fair pics)

Serenity now.....

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

I had this kind of day Monday... it was AWFUL!! I felt and KNEW I was off the beam...(Like God's not in control in my bad moods too?)

I prayed, I prayed, I meditated, well I tried to meditate...

What got me out?

Working with another desperate person for a couple hours...

Nothing else worked, but THAT IDEA did...

I hate that it's never what is first and foremost in my head that gets me out...but when I am willing to go to those lengths... well I'm always rewarded with peace, serenity, and a sense of Oneness with the Universal Spirit.

Syd said...

Your picnic in the park sounds great. Nature helps me to get out of my head. Maybe doing something fun with the girls will help. There are just days when I am "off". I have found that getting down on my knees and praying helps me to relax, to let go, to realize that there is magic in the day, even though I choose to see just pain or anger.

Regarding the defects, I'll tell you what I did and what I have sponsees do. I made a list of my defects on a piece of paper, cut out all 51 of them into strips and placed them in my God box. Then everyday I would draw out a defect and work on it and pray about it on that day. Some of the defects are gone, some still remain (we aren't perfect) but it was a helpful thing to do.

molly said...

you could try The Work of Byron Katie.. http://www.thework.com/thework.asp

there are free downloads of the sheets there and they have a free hotline or if interested, they have facilitators or u could just try it yourself. there are videos of Katie doing the work on there that would help show you how. all free. I've been doing it for almost a year and have seen a dramatic transformation.

I do not have children so although I can't relate to that, but I do have dogs, co-workers, husband, mom etc. and I can go through days like you describe here. It's very painful.

The Work helped me get free, after I completed the steps with a sponsor. Good luck to you.

Sending wishes of peace and love your way!

Ms Hen said...

When I can't get to a meeting I use the phone bridge for Al-Anon........ they have them for Narc-Anon and AA...

And even Al-Anon would be great for you to listen too.. you've been affected by others with their stuff.. and basically is all Step 12 work.

I go to Open AA meetings.. and find them wonderful.

I understand about the favorite playing; so many people do that; and they don't seem conscious that they do..

A Man and Woman has to make a vow that all the children are Loved Equally; flesh and blood or not.. does it really matter. We are all connected in the world..

(hugs).. stay calm and do good things for you. (and I don't think Wes is doing it on purpose; it still does not make it right; but people do naturally favor their own flesh and blood/ I don't know why; but that is how it is )