Sunday, September 27, 2009

just a weekend update

too much to do , too little time to do it!! cleaned out my garage this weekend, boy what a mess!! i think i deserve a medal.
Wes and i went out on a date!! first one in years, and it was not an all you can eat buffet either!! they had real silverware!! then he took me for a walk and on to a meeting then a romantic evening afterwords...
we start couples counseling on the 13th of October. i just feel like we are so very different in where we are in recovery that he does not hear what i am saying to him. i do not like to fight or get emotional but i need to stand in my own truth. now he has shown some change in his behaviors but we are both trying to work together. my main crux in this mix is our lack of understanding each other. i feel so far away from him, it doesn't help that i sleep in the recliner because of my arthritic back. and when he comes home upset it puts me in this defensive mode that i have automatically done something wrong, like not clean the house enough or am in some way responsible for why he is upset. wow, i think that is my biggest problem.
pile this on top of two addicts, control freaks and both of us right, well you can see a very heated discussion. the sick part is i am usually the heated discusser!! he is so damn rational and i am so friggen emotional. it sucks. but he is still here, he still wants to be on my team, our team.
and me i am like this little kid who just tied her first shoelace. "look at me look at what i can do!!" you know learning to stand in my own truth, learning not to stuff my feelings is HARD. every time i try to not stuff it is like something inside just unloads until the house is bursting with my own sh$%. balance in all things they say, i am used to being a ticking time bomb, been one my whole life. never really said what was bothering me just wanted to scream anything to be heard, if that makes any sense. now, today, i want to be heard, but not hurtful. i want to be understood and be OK with whom ever i may be speaking with and them not fully understanding what I am trying to say, so long as i know i said what i am trying to say. does that make sense?
i know it doesn't but i am trying to make sense of my crazy addict thoughts. i have this plaque above my computer, it was my grandma's. it says; "i know you believe you understand what you think i said, but i am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what i meant."
that is soo me right now, in fact that is how it has been my whole life. i do not want to quit this relationship. i want to keep moving forward. i am willing to take a risk and hope that we come out clean and together on the other side. that would be awesome.
on another note, i think my daycare is ready for inspection the new lithium batteries came in, i got the kids furniture and my living room is all set up. garage look fabulous house looks amazing i just love this home, i wish i felt more secure in it being my home, i don't know what my problem is. Haley still has a bit of a rash on her bottom, we are still taking antibiotics. Wes mentioned the timing was a "god shot" because if i had my license by now i would have to close down for a bit and probably lose costumers. now we have time for Haley to heal and get the last few items ready for the surveyor. and it won't affect my business once she is all better and we get a clean bill of health. so here is my gratitude list to keep me in today;
1. today i am grateful for this gift of recovery.
2. today i am grateful i am an addict.
3. today i am grateful for the memories of my mother.
4. today i am grateful for the air conditioning.
5. today i am grateful for modern medicine.
6. today i am grateful for my past, it has led me to the present.
7. today i am grateful for my sponsor, who i do not call enough.
8. today i am grateful for step 7, i have been stuck on this question for 3 days now and haven't called my sponsor.
9. today i am grateful for forgiveness, i do not want to be bitter.
10. today i am grateful i DO get it, i wish this for so many others, but for me i get it and i am so grateful for that. wishing you all a grateful Monday!!

thanks for listening to my ramblings, i really do appreciate you taking the time to read and leave me comments. and so for today's thought; "One of life's gifts is that each of us, no matter how tired and downtrodden, finds reasons for thankfulness."--J. Robert Maskin


louisey said...

Gratitude is so important, isn't it?

Shadow said...

mmmm, but you're aware of your differences. that gives you a running start. if you make an effort, only good things can continue to happen...

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Good gratitude!!!

Relationships are tough because I tend to let my expectations trip over my ideals and then I just make a big ole' mess.

I'm so grateful to see, when I stop and pray, that I love my husband, despite my expectations of myself or others, and that God continues to move through both of us!

I have the Love Dare book in my desk drawer and try to do the things it suggests (randomly at best) ... as a way of being kind to my husband without getting caught (well in that spirit anyway).

I'm praying for you right now!

Busy Bee Suz said...

Men and women are so different to begin with, having different paces in your recovery won't help. The counseling is a great idea, way to be pro active.
I will send over your medal this week. I got mine last week for the same thing. Darn garages, are junk collectors. ;)

Mama Zen said...

I struggle daily with automatically becoming defensive and taking responsibility for someone else's bad mood. It is a tough, tough mindset to get out of.

Lou said...

I had to stop in and read your gratitude is always so real.

Angel said...

Talk about amazing. You are the one who is so amazing! You have so much strength. Thank you for always being so supportive and encouraging:)
Much love and hugs

Syd said...

I like how positive you are. It's hard working on relationships and keeping it going. I think that being dedicated to each other and having respect for one another is a great thing.

Prayer Girl said...

Just stopped by to let you know I'm reading and I'm in your court.

Just a suggestion. Why not call your sponsor! I bet it would make her day.


Mom of Opiate Addict said...

I also get defensive and quick to react instead of sitting with things for a few and letting myself think. Great that you husband is willing to go to counseling with you, so many aren't. It did some good for my husband and I and I think we need to continue. Great Gratitude list.

Tall Kay said...

I see so much growth in you...just in the last couple of months since I started hangin around here! Learning to draw healthy boundaries and express our feelings are all good things. You just keep practicing, and it gets easier (so they tell me) :o)

That's quite a story about your siblings. It's sad how our families get torn apart. {{C&C}}

G-Man said...

Good luck with the counseling, you deserve to be happy....G

Ms Hen said...

Nice about the date.

Men don't always listen .. whether in Recovery or not. Sometimes a little LOVE NOTE with some boosting to the Ego and just kindly explaining what you need helps.. (men tune women voices out if we repeat ourselves.. but we only repeat ourselves since we were not acknowledged the first, 2nd, third, time.. lol).

Gratitude is good.. and nice Lou dropped by to read yours..

Hugs to all in Recovery and me too.