coming to believe

i spent sometime last night with a sponsee who is struggling. during our conversation there came a point where she asked the same question my daughter asks me from time to time and the same question I used to ask myself when I was using.
"how can god let all these bad things happen in the world?"
I struggle with the answer today. not because i believe that "God" lets bad things happen, but I have faith that when bad things happen, it is not at the hand of our Higher Power but more "self will run riot". Still the question remains with the still suffering, "why would a higher power let bad things happen to good people?"
I am grateful today that I do not have that question in my head and yet I cannot explain why I do not believe and it is like just having faith. And there en lies the rub.
It is hard to tell my daughter that kids die too, you know she has had 2 schoolmates pass away in as many months and she is angry about it. This is one touchy subject that she will not accept, and I know that she is not ready to accept it so I do not push it.
You know i guess part of me thinks less of myself when i don't have the answers, I mean i used to be the one blaming God, it was God who took my father away, it was God who let me get raped it was God who let my unborn babies die. I too had the same hatred for a God i did not understand. So I was OK with being a using addict because I was raised catholic and I knew from everything I was taught that due to my sins, I was headed straight to hell in a hand basket, so why try to be good, i knew the almighty was up there ready to smite me and I knew that he hated me and I hated him right back.
So how did I magically get from there to here? Narcotics Anonymous. Stepwork and an open mind to learn or unlearn everything I knew or thought I knew about a higher power. I still have trouble using the term God even though that is who I choose to believe in today. my past prejudices aside i prefer to use the term that helped me come to believe which is a Higher Power.
And here is the sad part for many of those lost or looking for something to fill the emptiness inside, and that is that so many of us have been hurt for so long that we are unable or unwilling to see that the emptiness we are constantly trying to fill with something outside ourselves to make us feel better can only be filled from the inside and our surrender to a higher power.
Today I am grateful, today I have faith in a loving and caring higher power. I pray today, i do not go to church, i go to meetings i read daily meditations and I listen for the message. I have faith today and that is such a miracle for me. every morning when I wake up I choose not to use and i choose to live life today. I don't have all the answers and what's more I don't want them, I would just like to be able to give this gift away like you can give someone a card and it puts a smile on their face. yet this is not something I can do for someone else this is something we all need to do for ourselves. I have hope today that if I can lose the desire to use and find a new way of life, anyone can. today's thought; "Pain is an experience. Suffering is a choice."

--Jeff Alexander