Tuesday, April 21, 2009

coming to believe

i spent sometime last night with a sponsee who is struggling. during our conversation there came a point where she asked the same question my daughter asks me from time to time and the same question I used to ask myself when I was using.
"how can god let all these bad things happen in the world?"
I struggle with the answer today. not because i believe that "God" lets bad things happen, but I have faith that when bad things happen, it is not at the hand of our Higher Power but more "self will run riot". Still the question remains with the still suffering, "why would a higher power let bad things happen to good people?"
I am grateful today that I do not have that question in my head and yet I cannot explain why I do not believe and it is like just having faith. And there en lies the rub.
It is hard to tell my daughter that kids die too, you know she has had 2 schoolmates pass away in as many months and she is angry about it. This is one touchy subject that she will not accept, and I know that she is not ready to accept it so I do not push it.
You know i guess part of me thinks less of myself when i don't have the answers, I mean i used to be the one blaming God, it was God who took my father away, it was God who let me get raped it was God who let my unborn babies die. I too had the same hatred for a God i did not understand. So I was OK with being a using addict because I was raised catholic and I knew from everything I was taught that due to my sins, I was headed straight to hell in a hand basket, so why try to be good, i knew the almighty was up there ready to smite me and I knew that he hated me and I hated him right back.
So how did I magically get from there to here? Narcotics Anonymous. Stepwork and an open mind to learn or unlearn everything I knew or thought I knew about a higher power. I still have trouble using the term God even though that is who I choose to believe in today. my past prejudices aside i prefer to use the term that helped me come to believe which is a Higher Power.
And here is the sad part for many of those lost or looking for something to fill the emptiness inside, and that is that so many of us have been hurt for so long that we are unable or unwilling to see that the emptiness we are constantly trying to fill with something outside ourselves to make us feel better can only be filled from the inside and our surrender to a higher power.
Today I am grateful, today I have faith in a loving and caring higher power. I pray today, i do not go to church, i go to meetings i read daily meditations and I listen for the message. I have faith today and that is such a miracle for me. every morning when I wake up I choose not to use and i choose to live life today. I don't have all the answers and what's more I don't want them, I would just like to be able to give this gift away like you can give someone a card and it puts a smile on their face. yet this is not something I can do for someone else this is something we all need to do for ourselves. I have hope today that if I can lose the desire to use and find a new way of life, anyone can. today's thought; "Pain is an experience. Suffering is a choice."
--Jeff Alexander

6 comments:

Angel said...

You are such an inspiration to so many, no matter what they are recovering from. I'm so glad that you have found a way that works for you, and are sharing it with others.
Many blessings to you<3

Steve E. said...

I don't believe that God will ask me if I went to church (although I do). God will allow me to judge myself, in that moment of death, of truth, and there will be no fudging, no lies then. I will just feel it, I will KNOW where I belong, and I will go there.

Only thing i won't like about the after-life is that I believe it is genderless. because spirits don't HAVE gender. Maybe I won't miss it!!! HA!

Shadow said...

if come to realise asking why just doesn't give me satisfactory answers. it's easier to accept and work from there... nice post girlie girl!

Lou said...

Why do bad things happen? No one asks why do good things happen.
I don't have any answers, and I don't want them..I have Faith.
Great post!

Syd said...

I think that it is our own will and ego that cause the bad things in our life. We are the cause of our misery, not God. My HP is kind, forgiving and loving. You have described my feelings of surrender and that my happiness must come from within. Great post.

Fireman John said...

good perspective about a difficult subject; thanks for the reminder that life is all about choices