it's beginning to look a lot like christmas....

i hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season!! i am ready for santa!! bring it on baby!! wow so we are hosting christmas for his family this year, it will finally be time for me to meet the living relatives!! for 2 years i had only met gravestones!! his fathers, step-mothers, step-fathers, grandparents uncles aunts... and the whole time his mother was just up the road!! go figure, you know my family is so dysfunctional it isn't even funny, my siblings and i have disowned each other a hundred times over and yet here we are!!

i remember growing up our big christmas's. mom would cook for a week straight!! she would make at least a dozen pumpkin pies i swear to god!! i don't even like the things, the only reason i ate the pumpkin pie was for the whip cream!! so i remember finally asking her if i could have something different, she said, 'what would you like baby?' i said 'apple pie is good' she said 'your peelin the apples!!' so i did!! then when christmas came and everyone saw the apple pie, everyone ate the apple pie, but me!! mom was hot!! so after that we set out to make several of those each year too, i got my pie the next year!! let me tell you i am the only one who knows how to make this notorious pumpkin pie, my older brothers half siblings would come out of hiding for these hideous things!! chris, my older brothers half brother would come in from northern california and sit with mom once a year and eat a whole pie during his visit, then take one home with him. no kidding, everyone wanted these things, and i thought they were gross!! so mom showed me how to make them the way she did and i carry on the tradition!! this year my older sister put in an order for a couple of pies, right now i am making some coconut macaroons and i just made some chocolate fudge, tomorrow i need to get the chocolate chip cookies done, the pumpkin spice fudge and the 3 pumpkin pies one cheese cake and one lemon meringue pie. wednesday we go to pick up his mother, oh i forgot to tell you we got a new living room set!!!

do you remember all last year my furniture debacle, we went all over town looking for furniture, nothing was good enough and he refused the Ashley store, which makes the absolute worst furniture but it is in our price range. well here he goes saying we need new furniture, after a year with this dilapidated couch i have been nursing with Styrofoam(don't tell the epa) cushions and replacing springs on a daily basis, i mean when you sit on it, it eats you!! people who came over, they are still in the damn thing!! now, now after all this time he wants to buy a couch!! what the hell!! so i say to him, 'honey, why now? why do we suddenly need this couch, and why this one?' he said "we have been needing a couch for over a year and we have company coming and there is no where for them to sit." oh, really, when my people came out to visit my mother before she died, we didn't have a need to replace it, but his family decides they are coming out and BAM new couch!!

really i was just giving him a hard time and the fact that it felt very compulsive was making me really nervous. but here i am with new living room furniture!! yeah me!! yeah us!! hooray!! oh it is pretty and cute and i really love it and it was under 800 and so i love my early christmas present yeah to his family and we are finally meeting them!! oops, cookies are calling!!

so where was i, oh yes so here i sit waiting for these yummies to cook and i had a moment to sit and post. this makes me nostalgic i just always love this season and with my babies i am blessed with showing them the magic, and they believe!! i have all my presents wrapped even for his nieces but i don't know their names, we were supposed to get walloped with snow, but the forecast changed to rain on Wednesday so we will hike up north. it is teasing me with snow on christmas eve and the girls and i have been eagerly waiting so i am hopeful for my christmas miracle, of course if snow meant that much to me i could be living in Maine or DC right now!!

next year i will let the girls cook with me, they are really too little right now and my older one does not want to cook this season so here i sit blogging and cooking. my tree is so pretty this year next year i am going to get the multi- colored chasing lights for the roof and then use white chasing icicles underneath them. i haven't found any yard decor that i like yet and i haven't decided on next years theme for my tree either, but that is my indulgence, my one thing i get to do for me and my family. Wes thinks i over do it but i think christmas is magic and deserves the attention.

well i will get to cooking and i hope you are all enjoying this as much as i am the season is exciting and i will post pictures as soon as my computer lets me!! we really got some lights up in this town!! merry christmas everyone!!!

Flash Fiction Friday- grateful for freedom

Every Friday write a short story, poem
or limerick then report to the g-man!! then you can go and
check out all the other bloggers who play this game!!

"Freedom from active addiction
Comes at no small price

We've all committed our sins
and taken our roll with the dice.

Today as I sit and reflect
how my Freedoms give me a choice

Watching the shadows of my past unfold
Today gives me a voice

I'm grateful that I feel
Love makes me real."

Here you go G-man, i am in such a great space right now. i hope to hold on to it for a while but i am not driving, i am not in charge. today i am just enjoying my ride!! Here are a few of my favorite things....

Somethings make me sad and sometimes i get angry. i know today that is just where i am at and i do not have to stay there. i had therapy tonight, by myself, and i am not sure but i think it was ok.

Such a simple smile passed along, to the next generation, my little bean. i can hardly believe she is 3 years old, her baby face almost gone, so much structure and happiness in her little smile.

So poignant and grown up. who taught her to blow pudding kisses? i am grateful today, i am not wasting any time away from my children. i am learning that there are triggers in my past that cause a lot of chaos in my life today. with guidance i can learn to process the past. my therapist says that i spent so long numbing what happened that now it is time to actually process what happened so long ago. then i can get to a place where i can disagree, and it just be a disagreement.

look how hast time flies, she is so precious and 16 already!! graduating early and going off to live her life, i hope she lives. i hope she chooses to face life and all of it's wonderful obstacles with out fear, with an open mind, with love in her heart. i hope she remembers me when she goes away.

my little moments, i enjoy only through the freedoms from recovery. i could easily ignore this and focus on something bad, i am grateful for my treasures in life, my family. look her hair is finally growing in!! she was bald for so long!! where does the time go.. don't blink, you might miss it!! todays thought; "We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the Beautiful Stuff out."- Ray Bradbury

quick update

Too busy to blog this week wanted to leave a quick update on my status.

• i am alive!!!!
• i have filed for my daycare license because i passed my fire inspection!!!
• i have wrapped a ton of gifts and have more to wrap!!
• we have seen a bucket of Christmas lights!!
• my bean turned 3 years old yesterday!! I now have 2 -3 year old's for the next two weeks!!
• we got a tummy bug, the bean and i hurled all night on Sunday then seemed better yesterday but last night she had me up again cause she was sick, so no sleep.
• we are combining the girls birthday on Saturday, sort of splitting the baby and my brother is coming to celebrate his birthday as well, he and Haley share the same birthday.
• my brother is in acute renal failure from taking methadone that was prescribed for pain now he is addicted to it.
• my uncle died of cancer this week. this makes 3 of 4 siblings from my mother her sister and brother all gone from cancer. cancer sucks and it scares the hell out of me.
  
• i am powerless over people, places and things.
• breathing now.
• we are picking his mom up in Topeka next week so my baking needs to be done this weekend
• i was asked to speak at a new years dance in arc city. but i need a sitter.
• Wes got jury duty and has to go tomorrow.
• he has finals tonight.
• i have had a busy weekend of service work but have not made a meeting in over a week. i can go tomorrow night after therapy.
• i have therapy with just me and the therapist tomorrow, not sure i like that but i can go to a meeting after. i really miss you guys and can't wait for time to see how you all are doing.
• i am so grateful for everyone who gave Galen a birthday card, that was awesome, even if it was a last minute deal!!!
• i have some last minute shopping/birthday shopping/grocery shopping to do.
• i love therapeutic shopping.

ok i think that is all i got we have to get dressed and out and about today. i hope everyone is well thank you for continuing to read me i really appreciate your time and thoughts. i have 2 of my 3 packages almost ready, we roasted coffee and i think we burned three pounds, not sure haven't tried it yet, but never fear i am going to use the good stuff!! Sumatra!!!! so for todays thought;"A gift inspires another gift, and a miracle inspires the next miracle. It's got to start somewhere; it might as well start with you."--Scott Hamilton

Flash Fiction Friday-G-mans Birthday

Every Friday write a short story or poem and report it to the g-man!!!

"55 is your magic number
it always makes us stop and wonder

You bring us together with a smile
we all work as one for a while

Today is your birthday so you see
I want you to know your special to me

Today we all took the time to say
'Hey G-man Happy Birthday!'"

Here you go G-man hope you like the special tribute, we are all hoping for a fast recovery and are waiting anxiously for your 55!!!

Happy Birthday Mr. Know-it-all!!

Hey Everyone, Today is the G-mans birthday!! He is feeling under the weather and needs a little boost from the blogging world. I invite everyone to stop by his blog and tell him Happy Birthday, even better copy this card and post his birthday on your blog and then report it to the G-man!!! We can all give him an early 55 Birthday tribute!! See how many people do this and how far we can go with it. I will post this card again with my 55 tonight!! I hope everyone joins in, G-man is a great asset to our community and brings so many of us together every week with his 55, his sense of humor is always just the ticket i need to get me out of my funk and we all know he has WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION on Tuesdays, it's sometimes like a car wreck but i just have to look!! I love you G-Man!! Feel better Soon!!!
CC

Pay it Forward

OK So I have selected the bloggers who i will be paying it forward to, the following bloggers now need to post a "Pay It Forward" on their blogs and do the same. Ann of "Ansters domain" fame,
Chef Kar of "Adventures of One Sober Woman" fame and Mistress Jess of "Journey of the Spirit of Hope" fame I will be getting your contact information, if you just leave it in my comment box, I won't publish it and i will get a hold of you that way. remember you have 365 days to send out your gifts, I will be sending out as soon as I can hear back from you guys, so you may have an extra box under the tree!! have fun and thanks so much for playing. I love the season of giving. I have two little girls who will be celebrating their birthdays this month, we were supposed to have snow today but it all went north of us, like an hour north of us. I just got all my Christmas cards in the mail and i have to take my girls out to see Christmas lights, they are really done up well this year!! The fire marshall will be here on Friday so hopefully i will be taking clients in January!! This is really going to be a great season, i am letting the cards fall where they may and looking forward to Christmas and beyond. So now for today's thought; "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow."- Mary Ann Radmacher

Flash Fiction Friday- Pay it Forward

Every Friday write a short story or poem or even a limerick will do, i think you could put a recipe in if the numbers were right, then report back to the g-man and play with everyone!!!

"Listen up readers we
can play a game
I've played this before
and it's still the same
If you decide to
give this a try
You don't have to wait
for a year to go by
The season of giving
is great for the heart
and 'Paying it Forward'
is a great way to start!"

Here you go G-man, and if you want to play here are the rules. I played "Pay it Forward" last year and Syd sent me some wonderful gifts. What we do is this, you leave me a comment that you want to play. Of the readers that want to play, I will pick 3 people to give my gifts to. I will get your contact information and I will have 365 days to send you your package. when i post the names of those i choose, then they will have to post a "Pay it Forward" on their blog and do the same. You don't have to limit it to 3, that is just my limit. So if you want to play all you need to do is be willing to give to receive. I hope you all are in the giving spirit I know part of my gift will include some home roasted coffee along with a couple of other things.

OK so here is tonight's pictures from Century II. They had a free evening with Santa, we waited in line for 30 minutes!! Here is the view from topside of the convention center.

Here are the girls in front of a giant snow man!!

Here they had a place where the kids could write letters to Santa. You put the kids name and address on the letter and I guess Santa will answer them. So they each sent one in!!

Here is the 40 foot tree outside, I was a little disappointed with the lights on it, but it is still a big tree!!
And the creme de la creme

The picture with the big man!!! My sisters little ones were with us and we all got to cram in. I was so proud of my girls the bean went right up to him and bopped him in the head with her balloon!! Then she said I love you Santa and gave him a big hug!! This guy was great I told the older boy to give his beard a tug to see if he was the real deal!! He said no way, Santa won't bring me anything if I did that!!!

This is my tree, this year i went with a white theme, can you tell?

We have little icicles and wooden snowflakes covered in glitter. The red sled is from Wes's mom, she gave it to Haley to put on her tree. I couldn't say no, but it really doesn't match my theme. I really am OK with it.

I have 2 of these guys, i thought they were so pretty i can't find any more though. got them on clearance. Haley said the nutcracker talked to her!!

Here is one of 2 swirly snowflakes i got, they were very pretty i thought but the store only had 2 white ones left, undamaged that is so i got them both.

I think my tree looks very pretty this year, not sure what my color theme will be next year, but i really like how it turned out this time.

I hope this post finds you all well and in the holiday spirit, i am anxious to see who will want to play this time. i will be stopping by in the morning to check out all the flash Friday players!! my "A" leaves tomorrow and i won't see her again until Sunday, the girls will be gone Saturday morning through Sunday so my honey and i can have some alone time this weekend. so here is today's thought; "Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend."- Melody Beattie

Pay it Forward

"Seldom, very seldom, does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised, or a little mistaken."- Jane Austen

i sit here wondering about the truth, my truth and his truth, then of course my higher powers truth. last night we had a dinner engagement, "A" had completed her college semester and the awards dinner was last night. She had won a scholarship to Newman University. for science. This is a private, catholic college. while i was baptized catholic i do not practice, nor for that matter do i even go to church. i used to attend one where a pastor named George Gardner preached. i liked him very much he was a good freind to me and my grandmother. he passed away a couple of years ago to prostate cancer.

anyway i let "A" pick the seat and we sat down. the schools father, i am not sure what you call the guy in the collar a priest maybe, anyway the guy with the collar sat down right across from me, he smiled and introduced himself and asked my religious background. i was like well i was baptized catholic but i do not practice and he said well do you go to any church, i said i do have a higher power and i have faith. then i said i used to go to College Hill United Methodist and then to the Unity church both when George Gardner was the pastor. mind you i had a smile on my face and i was very happy, my daughter just earned 2 college credits and she is but a sophomore in high school so i was completely giddy at this point, while "A" was squirming in her seat.

then he says in response to my choice of pastor 'oh the abortion guy'. I said "excuse me?"

if i may give you some background, George Gardner was a man of God. now let me tell you a little story. Once upon a time there was a little girl, she was 16. the little girl met a boy and made a mistake, she got pregnant. the little girl had very little faith and was lost and scared. she started to think about having an abortion. all the holy members of society warned her that if she did this she would burn in hell. they told her she had no choice. but the little girl was brave and decided to go and ask for guidance. she went to pastor George Gardner. George, being a man of God and love told the little girl he would hold her hand, no matter what her decision, and that God would always love his children. Then the little girl went to Dr. Tiller and had the abortion. She continues to go to church to this day. Because George stood by this girl the protesters and many church officials have labeled him an "abortion lover". Let me please set the record straight. I knew George Gardner it was an honor to hear him speak, and never, I mean NEVER did that man ever say he was for abortion. because he wasn't. all he did was tell this little girl no matter what HER decision was it would be OK. See he knew it wasn't his place to judge, but he was judged because of it. I believe George was against abortion but for a woman's right to choose, if that makes sense. I believe he thought love was what mattered most and for people to keep the faith. faith in God is what matters most, and how can you have faith if you are told your God does not love you? I think he was a wonderful man. and those who have followed me a while know my stance on this subject. so back to last night...

The collar guy said George Gardner believed in killing babies, he was for abortion. I said no he was for people. next thing i know we are talking about abortion, at the dinner table where my daughter is about to receive an award for science. he said it is wrong to have an abortion when that happens you are killing children. I said well which is worse to have an abortion, a procedure to get rid of a fetus, or to kill a child after having it when you weren't spiritually ready to have one? he said there are far more abortions then there are childrens deaths. I said no not now because they killed the doctor who performed them, now no one will they are too scared. he said oh they are still happening, i said between Kansas City and Austin Texas there is not one single clinic left. Nobody will do it for fear of death. He never said anything about being wrong killing my other freind Dr. Tiller. Then he said well the statistics show more abortions, I interrupted him and asked him if he watched the news lately? that is simply not true. there was a case a woman got 72 years, they showed pictures of her skeletal babies who were nearly starved to death. Andrea Yeats, Susan Smith neither of them believed in abortion. Not to mention the hundreds of other children everyday being killed at the hands of their parents. he then said, this is a pretty deep conversation so early in the evening. I said i didn't mind having a conversation, i wasn't trying to change his mind and i knew he wouldn't change mine. but i did tell him in a perfect world yes those women would get pregnant would carry to term and give them up for adoption, but we do not live in a perfect world and these women do not think about that, they think about themselves and do not know what they are getting into when they sign up for a kid.

Then we stopped the conversation and he changed the subject to why was i not involved in the catholic church. i tell ya this guy was pushy. but he was sweet and i admired his conviction. i like it when someone has a strong faith and believes on their truth. he kept saying the catholic church was the only church that was the truth about God. and that is good for him, however if that is the case, i am going straight to hell no matter what. right now i am living in sin, i am a recovering drug addict, i stole thousands of dollars i used people i did Satan's work for so many years, even if i did 1000 hail Mary's i would probably sit in purgatory for all eternity.

This is just what the doctor ordered, a discussion on theology. and why i don't go to church. It is funny i really thought so, when i first came into the program all my beliefs of God were that he hated me, and I was OK with that, because i hated him right back. and i was going to burn in hell anyway, with my wayward father. so those first 3 steps took me a couple of years. The powerlessness was easy it was 'coming to believe' and 'trusting in a higher power, or God' that I had big issues with. and i can't tell you how I got from point "A" to point "B" where today i have faith and trust in the God of my understanding, and that he is loving and caring. but i did and i am glad i did. I am really glad i stood up for George last night, i think he smiled at me from heaven. if i found a church with someone who preached like him, i think i would go again. but so far i have not found a church i like. i am looking though, even though Wes has this huge mental block on it, i really think it is important to teach my children what Christmas and the birth of Christ meant to the world and why we celebrate today. I know when they are a few years older like 6 and 7 we are going to spend our Christmas adopting an old folks home, i chose that over a homeless shelter for safety precautions, but they will take the time to make gifts and give them out to the people there. i think showing them the true meaning of giving and what the season is for will keep them appreciating it for years to come.

tonight there is a tree lighting ceremony down town, we are taking the girls i will take pictures people have really kicked it up a notch on decorating this season so i think you will really enjoy the next post, which will be a 55. i have just taken what happened at therapy and set it aside. i think what the therapist wants to do makes sense, i do get way over emotional and i am not ready to talk about these things as i need to learn to not get upset. i hope she will have some good things for me to practice with.

as far as you guys i want to thank you all so much, your sweet and endearing comments help me so much. i love having you guys around and i think you mean the world to me, really. i cannot believe the support from complete strangers that i get and yet it also gives me hope to keep the faith.

OK so now that i am in the mood and have Christmas cards to mail out I think it is time for this years first installment of "Pay it Forward"

The way this works is if you choose to do so leave me a comment that you want to "Pay it Forward" then i will pick 3 people to give my gifts to, I will have 365 days to mail them out. If you are one that is chosen you will post a Pay it Forward" on your blog and pick 3 people to give to, actually you don't have to limit it to 3 but in order to receive you have to be willing to give. Last year Syd chose me and gave me some wonderful gifts from his part of the world, I played the game but was still very new to blogging so I didn't get any takers. I think this year will be different. But it is December and the Season of giving so lets start with today!! It feels so good to give and i am feeling much better, not thinking about the stuff that bothers me and staying right here in the moment is a wonderful place to be. so that leaves me with todays thought;"Don't look back on happiness, or dream of it in the future. You are only sure of today; do not let yourself be cheated out of it." --Henry Ward Beecher

therapy sucks

i am just a little sad now, i am tired of being angry. wes says i think being angry is more important then our relationship. he thinks i would rather be angry than humble. i think he would rather be right then humble. i don't like being angry, it is hard to calm down. i did not kiss him good by this morning and i am not going to call him today at work. he has some big test at school today, i don't need to interfere with that.

i really do feel we would all be better off if i moved out with the kids and gave him his freedom back. it would give me my freedom as well. i just do not see this working out. he refuses to understand me. he doesn't care how he makes me feel. and right now he makes me feel really bad about myself. he may say i am way off base about what he thinks, he may even go so far as to say i don't know how he feels and it is not fair for me to say that, but if he doesn't tell me otherwise i am left to my own conclusions. and today they are negative.

i know making relationships work takes work. funny how i thought the therapy would help and all it does is make me feel bad. i mean what is the point if it leaves you feeling raw and all this stuff out on the table unresolved. what was the point of picking at a scab if all you are going to do is watch it bleed.

the sky is very gray outside, in fact it is almost white, like it is about to snow. i hope so, i like it when the sky is gloomy, especially when my mood is as such. i think i will just work on my daycare contracts and wait for the fire marshal to show up.

we had a wonderful visit with his mother last week. i was out of town on friday and did not post all week. his mother was a joy to have and it felt like i didn't stop cooking for 123 hours straight!!! my sister won a turkey dinner from the boy scouts, go figure, so i didn't have to cook for her, i did call her though to see if she wanted to come over, then on thursday morning she called and asked if i had an extra pumpkin pie she could have. i did my baking on tuesday and wednesday and if she would have asked in advance i would have said yes. so i simply told her no.

i didn't hear from my brother all week. my sister told me he had asked to stay with her for a couple of days and she told him no. then i saw him online on gmail so i sent him a chat on monday asking where was he. he said he was still out of town. i said where and why had no one heard from him on thanksgiving. he did not respond so i simply said ok you do not want us to know anything as long as you are still alive, drop me a line sometime. then he goes into this long dramatic story about how his sister burned him and all this crap, i just shut the damn chat down. i was so angry with him. then he sends another one about how he was sad about dad, not mom, and that is why he stayed away on thanksgiving. oh give me a flippen break already.
so then he calls me and i let him have it. i really laid into him.

i said larry i don't want to hear your pathetic excuses on why you want to crawl into a hole and die. do you think your father would be very happy that you are using him as an excuse to not be a part of your family, get to living or get to dying. parents die. that is what they do nobody lives forever and you are wasting your life and i am sick of hearing about how fucking sad you are about dad. he said i thought you would understand. i said you know what, i have a life i have 3 beautiful girls who deserve to know their family and if this is all you got, i can find them plenty of other uncles who are willing to show them how to live. i don't want them to see someone who just wants to die. god i am just so sick of the pathetic crap, my god it has been 6 years and yeah we can spend a moment or so to reflect and be sad but dang, i really don't think my parents wanted us to rot away sad that they are gone.

so he has been calling me all happy go lucky ever since. i don't know maybe he will show up for christmas, maybe he won't. at this point i really don't care. i really enjoyed just having such a wonderful time with my family this last holiday. i don't know if wes's mom will come again for christmas as she has other children that want to spend time with her, and this is fine too. my little girls will be celebrating their birthday's this month, the bean will be 3 on the 15th and haley will be 4 on the 28th. i have a little money in my bank account and i am going to take them sometime in between birthdays to take their 3 year old pictures together. i have never been able to do this before, as we tried one year but one girl ran this way and the other went that way and we were chasing them all over the studio for an hour. we finally just gave up. i think this year they may sit still. i won't ask wes for the money, as i know we don't have it we just paid a bunch more bills and his tuition is due and our savings had dwindled to a pathetic low. i hope that by next month i will be taking interviews with potential parents for daycare. i have my parental contracts i am working on. i have looked up the local prices and my prices are going to be set by the week. i will be open monday thru friday and i have set prices by the week instead of the hour. i will give them an extra half hour each to give them ample time for pick up and my contract will include all of this.

i keep looking out my window and seeing a leaf fall here and there, and at first glance it looks like snow, my heart gets excited and then i see it is only a leaf... oh well maybe for christmas. i think i will make some hot cocoa and go enjoy my girls for a bit, i will continue to try and stop by and catch up on everyone i have been off line for so long now, i did get my newsletters done!! and they will be here today!! we have a world wide NA workshop here in town on saturday so i am excited to have them available for the event. my children will be gone for an over night visit with their aunt and adrianna will be in marshfield until saturday night, so she will either go to a friends house or to my sisters. i was planning a date night with wes.

i don't think i will talk to him about anything important any more. at least not until after the therapist appointment on the 17th. i just do not feel like his partner. and he just refuses to understand this. maybe a date night will help, maybe it won't. i am not very optimistic today. today i feel really sad about our relationship. but i will try to continue with therapy and see if the next few sessions keep leaving me feeling like this, and if they do i will just call a stop to it and we will go from there.
i am not as angry as i was in last nights post. i needed to sleep i guess. i am still very unhappy with the situation but i am coming to a bit of surrender and acceptance. i don't like being manipulated and told i have to stop feeling something. the therapist said i 'flood' easily. she spent half of the freaking session telling me to breathe. i felt like telling her to fuck off. i was very upset to say the least. so now she wants to give me some pointers on calming down. so we get to have a session all by ourselves!! i feel like a big girl now!! by the way if you didn't get it that was sarcasm.
so i guess it is safe to say i am still carrying some very raw feelings towards last nights session. so here is my thought for today;"Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right."— Ezra Taft Benson
i am looking for what is right today, i need to quit focusing on me being right. and right now i don't know what is right and i feel that i am wrong.

one of those days

ever have one of those days where you read the instructions and just don't understand them? this guy obviously does not know how to launch a boat. i obviously don't know how to communicate. i am emotional, right now my feelings are very raw and i am very angry and i want to be alone. i do not like therapy i feel really bad after being there and i want to end it. everything, i am feeling very selfish and i know if i was out of the picture i would not ruin any more lives. i am sick and tired of being sick and tired. it has been almost 5 fucking years and i still can't get shit right.
we had therapy tonight and i absolutely am sick with it. i hate wes and i hate the therapist right now. and i am not allowed to discuss with anyone what was discussed. apparently, 2 weeks ago after the last session i went into the room and called someone to talk about the session and wes heard this. so he didn't like it. mind you this is the first i heard of this and he had ample opportunity to talk with me about it, 14 days to be exact. but he waits until the end of the session to bring this up. i am angry right now, i am full of venom and i wish he would just fucking go to bed!!! i was all crying and emotional and i couldn't get out of there fast enough and he is hollering at me to wait for him. why, i don't want to. then he tries to hug me and love on me, he tells me to quit being angry and to let it go, we are on the same team. screw the same team, if we were on the same team he would have told me his issue before the end of the session. and that was just the icing on the freaking cake!!! i can't talk about it though!!!

i am in a really bad space it is all negative and i just want to leave. i want to take my kids and get a small place where i can start my daycare and he can have everything else. i will buy my own furniture and towels. i don't need or want anything from him right now. and he wants a HUG!!!

therapy sucks, i am going to turn off my Christmas lights now, they are running too much electricity, god knows i cost him enough money.

if you have any prayers i could use them because "God save me from my anger" is not working for me right now. hopefully tomorrow i will be in a better mood and can tell you all about our holiday, it really was wonderful.

random thoughts

i got these sent to me and i think they are awesome, happy tuesday everyone!!

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this-- ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 3-year old daughter asked me in the car the other day "Mom what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with alcohol than Kay.


i have had such a busy weekend. we had a good time on wes's birthday. we went and picked his mother up yesterday and have had a wonderful visit so far. i have a meeting i am going to tonight. no matter what. i am going to make some goodies today and work on my newsletter and try to get it to the printers as well. busy holiday week ahead, not much time to blog, just an update, i am still going crazy in my head. luckily i am surrounded by a very loving family.


one crazy note, my sister spent about 60 bucks on wes for his birthday and now is hinting that she has nothing for thanksgiving. she hinted to wes not me. i am not sure how to approach this. i think the best thing to do is directly tell her if she wants to bring a ham for thanksgiving that would be awesome, because i have been feeding her family on a nightly basis as she comes over to work on her homework and doesn't cook when she does. i don't think i am asking too much for her to contribute to the dinner. i think i will call her and leave this message for her as i know she was planning for her daughter to come out and she was going to have a big shin dig at her place, those plans fell through after the Fort Hood massacre, they are not letting any soldiers come home for thanksgiving, so my niece is stuck in South Carolina, and they are shipping her out soon.


My computer is having real software of operating system issues. i tried to paste these thoughts in a different font and colors, for fun and when i preview my post it looks real weird. so i will publish it and see what happens. Everyone please have a safe and wonderful holiday, remember there is so much we have to be grateful for today.


today i am grateful for my loving family, my cozy home, my inner strength and humility to wait until i can work an issue out. there is food in my fridge and freezer, i am almost completely out of debt, my bills are paid and i am in fantastic health, i have lost 9 pounds!!! and i am financially secure today. i know a lot of people will be waiting in lines for free food this holiday, that won't be me. i know some people view this as a way of life and others have no choice. i am grateful i have priorities today and know how to spend money. we may not have much left over, but we all have clothes on our backs, clean water to drink, hot water for a shower, a working washer and dryer. today i have some of the most simplest yet amazing luxuries to be grateful for. i am grateful i can appreciate right where i am today, tomorrow may be different, but i know what to do if i need help. for this i am grateful.


what are you grateful for today?


and i will leave you with this thought, hopefully i will make it by to read up on some of my peeps, thanks for stopping by; "If I change the way I look at things, the things I see change."- anonymous

Flash Fiction Friday- struggling hope

Every Friday write a story of 55 words
no more, no less and report it to the G-Man!!




"how do i stop this tension in my head,
when the demons are playing
with all that went unsaid?
I've struggled and screamed,
i cried on the floor
letting go is the answer
i can't fight anymore.
this dream of "us" i
will pray to hold
because the love i feel
will never grow old"

I have been struggling this week and this is where i am at, here you go G-man. Wes's birthday is this weekend, his friend has decided to do a surprise party tomorrow, so there won't be any conflict, but we are still going to stay home on Sunday. i just feel like i was used by my friend as her scapegoat, her excuse to leave the group. and i don't like the way that makes me feel. Wes is off for 10 days, he will be putting in a lot of studying and I will be cooking and visiting with his mother. i am looking forward to it, she is a nice lady with no one to visit. she lives alone and i am a good housekeeper and i think i am good company. plus i really miss my mom and this will be nice to have a mom again, even if i am borrowing his. there really is so much to be grateful for. when i get out of the way life is pretty good, i just need to remember it is not 'life on Suzie's terms' it is 'life on life's terms.' if i want change i need to make it.

i will i know i can and everything i am learning now will only benefit me later. i am truly grateful for all your thoughts and comments, thank you for taking the time to not only read, but to leave comments.

i will be reading up on Mr. know-it all's spot in the morning to catch up on all of Fridays players, and to check out my own dash board. Wes will be in school till 11 am then we are off to lunch at his friends, he doesn't know it. i made a collage of his rafting pictures and had it blown up to a 20x30 and framed and mounted, his friend picked it up for me, his friend is sitting in the front of the raft with him, and he just though it was awesome. so i think my honey will like it. i wanted him to have it hanging in the room so when he wakes up in the morning he sees he has some good things to be grateful for. i think he is grateful, i just think i read way too much into what he says. i am so used to people who manipulate are say one thing and mean another, that i just take for granted he is not that way.

it takes me a few days to get humble and to be grateful for my life. it sickens me how i behave when i am lost in an alternate reality. i twist the truth and i become really angry and spiteful.
i don't like this about me. i still feel like i am not being heard, and it makes me resentful. i really don't know what he thinks, and i don't like that either.

i know he loves me, i know when i come at him with all my thunderous emotions, he tries to calm me down and tells me 'we are on the same team, i am not your enemy.' when i am angry i feel like he is my enemy. i REALLY need a meeting. here is my thought today; "hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and do the right thing, the dawn will come. you wait and watch and work: you don't give up."-Ann Lamott

surrender to the next level

no sooner did i hit 'publish post' yesterday, then my bean came to me and said 'mommy i need to go potty'. i swear i almost cried. she asked 4 or 5 times yesterday.

now for my real post. we had therapy last night. i am very angry over it today. i am acting out in anger over little things now and i know why i am angry, but do not know how to surrender this. it's such a long story but i have to try to get it out so i can function today without being angry.

we discussed finances last night and the fact that i feel very subservient to Wes. we had an argument the other day about going to a meeting. i was invited to go to the women's meeting but it would mean "A" would baby sit for an hour. Wes asked how much did we owe her already, he then said didn't you go to your sponsors this week? and i was like yes your right, then he said it is regional weekend and we will be owing her 50 bucks for that. so i did not go to the meeting, in fact i have not been to a meeting in over a week. he told the counselor that he wasn't saying i couldn't go to the meeting, but this is what i am talking about. i am a little kid in this what ever you want to call it, relationship i guess. so that was not the part that upset me, we discussed how i tend to feel like a victim and then he brought up captain stupid again and said it is like i think he is him or something.

this is what upset me, the counselor then started to talk to him about my perspective and he said he had this fear that one day he would come home and i would make some obscene purchase and we would not have money to pay bills. he said that has happened before and it will NEVER happen again, period. not that i ever have access to any money, besides the 25 dollar allowance he gives me once in a while, like every couple of months.

so here is my situation, i have no job, i have no income, i have no reasonable family left to help me, i am not allowed to go shopping, when i make a request for something, remember the Harlem globe trotters, it makes him feel bad or gives him fear that if i did have access to money i would go and do something like that. and he stated, when she said well if you came home and she did this it would simply have to be taken back to the store, you know make a big purchase without consulting him, he said oh there won't be a possibility of that ever happening again i will never be put in that position again.

this was not said in the meeting, but I have never, ever put him in that position, his ex-wife did. she was a real treat, he knew her for less then a year and married her, they were together for almost 3 years and he divorced her and it was ugly. she put him through the ringer. right now i hate this woman with every fiber of my being.

i did not say anything about his comment of the situation. i felt like, this is never going to work between us. he has no trust in me, then in the same sentence he was saying 'she thinks because we get into arguments we are not on the same team!'

we aren't on the same team, he has me pigeonholed and just pushed far enough away not to trust me. they talked about 'his' budget and that i need to respect that. i thought it was our budget, and i do respect that, does this mean i can't say i want something? he wants things all the time, in fact he talks about me asking for too much, he went to a men's retreat and spent a couple of hundred dollars, how did that fit into his budget? he went to Colorado and spent about 500 dollars, was that in his budget? i went to a sleepover that cost 15 bucks, and i am not frugal enough!!! my ABS went out in my car, we did nothing for it, he decided his new truck was running rough from the trip so he bought new shocks and had them installed , then it was still a little rough so he spent a little more money and had his tires rotated, my car hasn't been serviced in a year, but i am the one who makes all the big purchases because i said i wanted to go to the Harlem Globetrotters, oh and the other thing we were in Sam's club last summer and i saw one of those wooded playgrounds, you know with a slide and swing, it was 400 dollars and i asked him if we could get it. he said no i let it go and he brought that up to the therapist ooh, i am some big money hungry bitch or something out to get his money.

like i don't? and to top it off after i was left feeling about 2 centimeters tall, we get home and my sister needed me to watch her kids, she said, i don't have the time to go get the 12 bucks to pay the lady for watching my kids can you watch them?!? do you think she paid me? no. then when i was bathing the kids, they were splashing too much and Wes came out of his room and screamed "Everyone out of the F'n tub now!!" if that didn't trigger captain stupid. i haven't spoken to him since, he came out of his room late last night and apologized for getting angry, but with all the crap that i am not allowed to talk about because of this 24 hour rule, and the fact that i am now in this irrational thought process that this morning i wouldn't even give him a kiss good by.

so now it won't matter why i am upset, because of the fact that i am holding on to being angry, no matter what the reason, i will be the one who is wrong. we do not see the counselor until the first of December.

really there is nothing i can do, they are his feelings. as far as i know he will always be afraid of me and not trust my judgment when it comes to finances. that is fine with me, but don't be a hypocrite and say we are on the same team when there is no trust.

i don't want to ask him for anything, i have to this is the situation we are in. i have no job, i discussed getting one and he said in order to afford the sitter for our kids i would need a job that paid 15 bucks an hour if i was going to have any money left over. every time i try to do something that would make money it only costs money and now this damn daycare thing, i can't even purchase a mount for my fire extinguisher. we have to go to a manufacturer and ask them to get one and god only knows how long that will take. at this point i just want to get my license and get a clientele and make my own money so i can leave. then he won't have to worry about me messing with 'his' budget and he will never have to worry how i spend money, it will be my money.

he just emailed me and asked to get him the information the counselor told him about some online test we need to take and it costs 75 bucks for each of us to take it. if he decided to i will tell him to go ahead, i will not spend 75 dollars on this, i don't need to know my personality. i am just there and i do not want to accept that it is just where he is, because i feel he will never change. i think it will only get worse, look how angry he was last night, it gets easier you know. to yell. it is like i turn men into abusers and if i stay with him much longer, that is what he will become. that is where i am at today, and i don't like being here.

here is my thought today, then i have housekeeping, and a ton of running around to do. i believe this a very appropriate thought for me, it helps me with humility and looking at my situation without building it into something it is not. when i read over this, again, because i will, it will help me to surrender a little bit more, and just accept where i am at because right now there is nothing i can do to change my situation so here goes; "Gently remind yourself that life is okay the way it is, right now. In the absence of your judgment, everything would be fine. As you begin to eliminate your need for perfection in all areas of your life, you'll begin to discover the perfection in life itself."- Richard Carlson (Don't sweat the Small Stuff)

why won't she go potty?

look at her, ain't she cute? why won't she go potty?!? we have been practicing for a long time now, a month. she absolutely refuses to go, i have to take her down there and sit her on the potty. we did good for the second week. she even did #2 twice, now it is like she is reverting or giving up.
i am not sure i have patience for this. i even went and bought her a new potty chair. we got stickers for when she goes. there is nothing i can do but try to be patient.
i know she is ready, she has all the signs, main one being she pulls those diapers off. she fights every time we need to diaper change and i mean fights. she knows when she goes and she can go all night and have a dry diaper. so what does it take to make a child go potty? well how about another perspective...

Why do we bother to potty train at all?

i mean dogs just go. your gonna go weather you want to or not and by the time a woman has had a child she needs to start wearing a diaper anyway because every time she sneezes she leaks a bit.
so i ask ya, why are we torturing our children and tampering with our sanity to make them go potty in a round tub that needs to be cleaned out every time any way? might as well be a diaper.

old people need diapers, why aren't they potty trained, or were they and they just forgot? we forget what we learn. if we had everyone go back to diapers, and i am talking about cloth diapers, we're going green here, then there would be way less unemployment!!

can you imagine the giant changing stations manned with people who were there to change you and then others to clean the diapers. a ton of jobs right there, and imagine how much water we would save on not flushing the toilets!! we wouldn't even need indoor plumbing, we would replenish the earth with more water because of no toilets. no more plunging over flowing toilets!!

landfills would shrink because we would not be wasting so much non biodegradable diapers and dumping them on the earth, welfare lines would be a thing of the past, if you need assistance you automatically have a job working at one of the massive changing facilities across the nation!!!

would this be a Utopian society out of some novel or what?!?people would be motivated to learn and get an education it would also cause more kids to go to college, because they would not want to work in diaper changing stations!! you know it is hard to talk them out of working at fast food, but a diaper changing station, i tell ya every teenager would have straight "A's" and dream of being rocket scientists!!!

So now that i have solved half of the worlds problems and started us on the path to world peace, how do i get her to go potty?!? back to reality i go. i need some serenity. i feel like a failure because she won't go. there is a place in town we go to. very peaceful, every night at nine the "Keeper of the Plains" lights up.

there are 5 or 6 of these round gas burners that light up every night for 15 minutes

here is a view from the bridge, you can see the keeper up top there

here he is about 50 feet tall, it is very peaceful and serene and calming, it calms the stresses of the day away, and since i pay taxes it costs no out of pocket until april. all cities should have such a place, it sits on the river and you can here the water flowing and warm your face by the flames. watching the night. very, very peaceful. i come up with my grandiose ideas sitting on the benches by the river, did i mention it is polluted? maybe why my ideas can get way out there. but hey it looks good on paper, just imagine the possibilities...

so here i sit praying for the willingness to give her time to learn something she is going to unlearn any way. which i guess leaves me with today's thought, very fitting for this post; "Be willing to be a beginner every single morning."

--Meister Eckhart

It's Snowing!!!

well no not really, but it did in Dodge City!! but that is about 3 hours from here. the news just said we were going to get flurries today but nothing yet. i am hoping if i pray real hard i will get snow. the girls and i are keeping our fingers crossed and our eyes glues to the windows!! we love to play in the snow. oh how grateful it is not to have to worry about going to work in snow!! we get to play!! i feel guilty.. no i don't this is so cool i hope it snows!!! EEEEE

i love snow, can barely contain myself, and Christmas is coming!! My girls and i are so excited!! gosh i can't wait for Thanksgiving to be over!! Wes won't let me put up decorations, well wait he said i couldn't put the tree up before Thanksgiving, he never said anything about decorations...hmm. Well isn't THAT an exciting revelation!!! oohh everyone loves the summer, me i love this weather, 36 degrees out a gray sky, wet leaves on the grass that stick to your shoes. the girls call them 'tree stars' from the movie ' The Land Before Time' .this is cuddle me weather. i like to cuddle with my girls and get warm and fuzzies on and drink warm hot chocolate and watch the snowflakes fall... it is heaven on earth.

well did everyone survive friday the 13th!! Oh My Gosh I nearly died!!! Let me tell you about some very unnecessary chaos, and i will tell this because i would like some advise about how to proceed. OK Wes's belly button birthday (we addicts celebrate a clean time and belly button, our belly button refers to the day we were actually born) on November 22, so i emailed his best friend and his BF's wife to see if they were available, no plans yet just wanted to know if they were going to be here. his friend emails me back with a plethora of ideas, totally excited to do something for my honey. my thoughts, which i hadn't had a chance to share were something like this to go to his house for dinner and surprise party for Wes. We do not have a lot of room in my little home for guests and his buddy does great parties for recovery folks. well he sent me a couple of ideas and said to call him, i started to bathe the girls when my phone rings. mind you all i wanted to do was have a nice party for my honey...
it was another friend in recovery who is celebrating her 10 year clean date, also on Wes's birthday. she informs me that she just talked to Wes's friend and that we are all set to go to her birthday bbq/ wedding tye-dye party. and we could order an extra cake for Wes's birthday. The kids would have a lot of fun and it would be an all day event. I said cool that sounds good. Then i call Wes's friend back and we discuss this. first off he called them to see if they would want to come to his house to celebrate Wes's b-day. They told him they had already invited Wes and me to their house for her party. not true i had not heard about this until after they talked to him. then i said well it was a nice gesture. Wes's friends concern was this, what would Wes want, he does not have family who celebrates his birthday. to piggy back his birthday on top of someone else's celebration would not make it about him. granted i probably would not have changed my mind but i felt he was right, and i also felt pushed into doing this because it would be easier for me not to have to plan anything. the real deal was i wanted to do something special for Wes. so i asked his friend if we could have a party at his house for Wes. So when the other gal called me back i told her i had decided that we would stop by for her party and then i was going to do a separate party just for Wes. that was all i said.

then all hell breaks loose. these two people are home group members, they are now leaving our home group and are very angry with Wes's friend and blame him for me changing my mind. it was a big old fashioned pre-teen cat fight with those two, i felt completely in a tug of war, 'no your my friend! no your my friend!' stop the insanity please!!!!! ok so i call my sponsor and say, ' sponsor i am upset please help me.. she says OK i am getting a friday the 13th tattoo right now but what is up!! are you serious!! yup!! i got the coolest sponsor!! would your sponsor answer her phone during a tattoo!! i tell ya friday the 13th is insane people are nuts they loose all forms of reason and rationality. and they take me with them. so she tells me she would have been upset too if i had chosen not to go to her party for my boyfriends birthday, you don't celebrate 10 years clean everyday. but that she definitely took it to a whole other level that it did not need to go, she should have told me she wanted me there when we were talking not running to her boyfriend and leaving the group and calling people names. now, Wes's friend called me back and said he was not going to buy decorations or have us over, this way we could go over to their party, and he would just take Wes out to a one on one dinner. Well now i don't want to go to the other peoples house, i feel totally forced, now i don't know how to respond to her. she used me as a scapegoat to quit our group and she created a whole bunch of chaos and said hurtful things to friends of mine and Wes's when all she had to do was be honest with me. tell me what is wrong, i didn't want to hurt anyones feelings. all i wanted to do was plan a birthday party for my honey. so at 10 years clean, if i am causing this much chaos in people lives, someone better call me on my shit!!!

so when Wes came home, i was a mess, i had screamed at my children to go to sleep, i really acted out and i don't like that at all. he asked me what was wrong and i had to tell him. i did, i just couldn't lie to him and then just go to this other persons house for his birthday. so i asked him what would he like to do for his birthday. he said why what do you have in mind, i broke down and cried then told him everything that was insane and going on in one little day, remember i was trying to surprise him so he knew nothing of what was going on. he smiled, and said wow what a compliment. so many people wanting us to be with them. yes a truly humbling perspective. i was honored at that point but still in a predicament. so my honey simply said what he wanted for his birthday was a little cake and pointy party hats for me, him, haley, the bean and nana. right here at home small, sweet, intimate and special. i ask ya can you get any better then that? so he gave me a big hug and told me not to cry, i did not cause all the chaos by asking people to be part of his birthday. but still, what do i do with this gal who still wants me to go to her birthday next week. i had told her we would stop by before all the insanity but i do not want to be pulled into any more chaos, nor do i want to push her away, she is going through a lot and she could have handled it better, but she is pregnant and hormonal and a sweetheart, i need to set a boundary though, i don't want to own her chaos just to be a part of her life. and i don't want what happened to happen again, i want her to be direct with me not go to other people to make a big mess when all she had to do was talk to me. so i ask ya, what should i do, i did call her and she did not answer the phone so i said 'tag your it!!' nothing yet.

we had our regional service meetings this weekend and it was amazing. i love service work it was real great to be a part of the solution. now i am going to work on some Outreach posters for our region. i hope that they reach members and that it encourages them to help, step up to the plate and help. so i am still waiting for snow, we will go to the gym next, and i will see if i have lost any more weight, i was at 7 pounds last week. i am truly grateful today and i am excited about the holidays and i have some new decorations i am in the market for a new tree topper though, the theme of my tree it will be white and silver with homemade decorations so i don't know if i want an angel or a star, i don't think a bow would look right this year so i will keep looking and when i find it i will know. i will post pictures when it is all up. oh and grandma is coming next week which means i need to put my pictures back on my walls. i took them down to paint two months ago and i didn't want to put holes in my freshly painted walls. so for todays thought and it's a good one;“The best thing you can give yourselves...is the gift of possibility. And the best thing you can give each other is the pledge to go on protecting that gift in each other as long as you live.”- Paul Newman
Blogging fills my heart with the possibilities of what we can do. thanks for stopping by, have a great monday!!