Wednesday, December 2, 2009

therapy sucks

i am just a little sad now, i am tired of being angry. wes says i think being angry is more important then our relationship. he thinks i would rather be angry than humble. i think he would rather be right then humble. i don't like being angry, it is hard to calm down. i did not kiss him good by this morning and i am not going to call him today at work. he has some big test at school today, i don't need to interfere with that.

i really do feel we would all be better off if i moved out with the kids and gave him his freedom back. it would give me my freedom as well. i just do not see this working out. he refuses to understand me. he doesn't care how he makes me feel. and right now he makes me feel really bad about myself. he may say i am way off base about what he thinks, he may even go so far as to say i don't know how he feels and it is not fair for me to say that, but if he doesn't tell me otherwise i am left to my own conclusions. and today they are negative.

i know making relationships work takes work. funny how i thought the therapy would help and all it does is make me feel bad. i mean what is the point if it leaves you feeling raw and all this stuff out on the table unresolved. what was the point of picking at a scab if all you are going to do is watch it bleed.

the sky is very gray outside, in fact it is almost white, like it is about to snow. i hope so, i like it when the sky is gloomy, especially when my mood is as such. i think i will just work on my daycare contracts and wait for the fire marshal to show up.

we had a wonderful visit with his mother last week. i was out of town on friday and did not post all week. his mother was a joy to have and it felt like i didn't stop cooking for 123 hours straight!!! my sister won a turkey dinner from the boy scouts, go figure, so i didn't have to cook for her, i did call her though to see if she wanted to come over, then on thursday morning she called and asked if i had an extra pumpkin pie she could have. i did my baking on tuesday and wednesday and if she would have asked in advance i would have said yes. so i simply told her no.

i didn't hear from my brother all week. my sister told me he had asked to stay with her for a couple of days and she told him no. then i saw him online on gmail so i sent him a chat on monday asking where was he. he said he was still out of town. i said where and why had no one heard from him on thanksgiving. he did not respond so i simply said ok you do not want us to know anything as long as you are still alive, drop me a line sometime. then he goes into this long dramatic story about how his sister burned him and all this crap, i just shut the damn chat down. i was so angry with him. then he sends another one about how he was sad about dad, not mom, and that is why he stayed away on thanksgiving. oh give me a flippen break already.
so then he calls me and i let him have it. i really laid into him.

i said larry i don't want to hear your pathetic excuses on why you want to crawl into a hole and die. do you think your father would be very happy that you are using him as an excuse to not be a part of your family, get to living or get to dying. parents die. that is what they do nobody lives forever and you are wasting your life and i am sick of hearing about how fucking sad you are about dad. he said i thought you would understand. i said you know what, i have a life i have 3 beautiful girls who deserve to know their family and if this is all you got, i can find them plenty of other uncles who are willing to show them how to live. i don't want them to see someone who just wants to die. god i am just so sick of the pathetic crap, my god it has been 6 years and yeah we can spend a moment or so to reflect and be sad but dang, i really don't think my parents wanted us to rot away sad that they are gone.

so he has been calling me all happy go lucky ever since. i don't know maybe he will show up for christmas, maybe he won't. at this point i really don't care. i really enjoyed just having such a wonderful time with my family this last holiday. i don't know if wes's mom will come again for christmas as she has other children that want to spend time with her, and this is fine too. my little girls will be celebrating their birthday's this month, the bean will be 3 on the 15th and haley will be 4 on the 28th. i have a little money in my bank account and i am going to take them sometime in between birthdays to take their 3 year old pictures together. i have never been able to do this before, as we tried one year but one girl ran this way and the other went that way and we were chasing them all over the studio for an hour. we finally just gave up. i think this year they may sit still. i won't ask wes for the money, as i know we don't have it we just paid a bunch more bills and his tuition is due and our savings had dwindled to a pathetic low. i hope that by next month i will be taking interviews with potential parents for daycare. i have my parental contracts i am working on. i have looked up the local prices and my prices are going to be set by the week. i will be open monday thru friday and i have set prices by the week instead of the hour. i will give them an extra half hour each to give them ample time for pick up and my contract will include all of this.

i keep looking out my window and seeing a leaf fall here and there, and at first glance it looks like snow, my heart gets excited and then i see it is only a leaf... oh well maybe for christmas. i think i will make some hot cocoa and go enjoy my girls for a bit, i will continue to try and stop by and catch up on everyone i have been off line for so long now, i did get my newsletters done!! and they will be here today!! we have a world wide NA workshop here in town on saturday so i am excited to have them available for the event. my children will be gone for an over night visit with their aunt and adrianna will be in marshfield until saturday night, so she will either go to a friends house or to my sisters. i was planning a date night with wes.

i don't think i will talk to him about anything important any more. at least not until after the therapist appointment on the 17th. i just do not feel like his partner. and he just refuses to understand this. maybe a date night will help, maybe it won't. i am not very optimistic today. today i feel really sad about our relationship. but i will try to continue with therapy and see if the next few sessions keep leaving me feeling like this, and if they do i will just call a stop to it and we will go from there.
i am not as angry as i was in last nights post. i needed to sleep i guess. i am still very unhappy with the situation but i am coming to a bit of surrender and acceptance. i don't like being manipulated and told i have to stop feeling something. the therapist said i 'flood' easily. she spent half of the freaking session telling me to breathe. i felt like telling her to fuck off. i was very upset to say the least. so now she wants to give me some pointers on calming down. so we get to have a session all by ourselves!! i feel like a big girl now!! by the way if you didn't get it that was sarcasm.
so i guess it is safe to say i am still carrying some very raw feelings towards last nights session. so here is my thought for today;"Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right."— Ezra Taft Benson
i am looking for what is right today, i need to quit focusing on me being right. and right now i don't know what is right and i feel that i am wrong.


Syd said...

I feel the anger coming forth here. And when I am stuck in my corner and my wife is stuck in her corner, no body is a "winner". We both lose. I do believe that communication is a good thing, even if it means that I have to speak my truth about what I am feeling. I do keep the focus on my feelings and not take the other person's inventory. I hope that the hopeless feeling passes.

Chic Mama said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this at the moment. I don't have anything constructive to say other than I hope you get it all sorted.
Take care. xx

Lou said...

I don't know much about therapy, but I'm pretty sure it is not supposed to be this upsetting. I get excited very fast myself, so I kinda understand the therapist talking about calming techniques.

One day at a time...

Ms Hen said...

Hugs. Give is some time. Do you think you and the children will be better without him? You two seem to have so many good things going in your marriage. (be willing to go to therapy; date nights; fun times .. and GREAT COFFEE--would never leave a man that can make coffee like that (I'm trying to make you smile).

My friends that are married a looooong time say there are UP times and Down times.. but that will be true in any relationship.

But what do I know. I had 8 dates last month and I did not want to see any of them a 2nd time. I've gotten very particular....... and I like being very particular.. but I'm 48 and at a different time in my life.

This man is the father of your children; be sad to break up a family; unless you have no choice; if the situation stays intolerable for longer and longer..

But it does sound like you have a lot of good in this marriage.. !!!

Tall Kay said...

I have a bookmark that says "An apology is the best way to get in the last word." I know, I know...not what you want to hear.

Our program teaches us to look within when someone upsets us. Running away is old behavior.

You might try reading page 62 of the Big Book and write down what you're afraid of. It always works for me.

Hugs to you and I just know you'll do the right thing!

Shadow said...

ouch, this sounds hard, this between you and your husband. maybe you should do nothing until your next session, doing nothing is also doing something, and after a while these hard thoughts have a habit of slotting into the right place in a calm and rational manner, and clarity follows soon. sending you lots and lots of hugs. now go and have that hot chocolate!

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

I just read another letter much like your blog today, both make me sad.

I'm praying for you and for our 16 year old daughter.

It's an overpowering and dark place to be, all that anger and resentment. I didn't live there well. It was killing me.

I hope you find the freedom you desperately desire and that you and your husband can find a way to be content and happy in your lives, in whatever form God brings it to you.

I like the Ezra Taft Benson quote, my sponsor when I'm in this frame of mind where I'm pissed likes to say, "Jessie, what's right with you today?" I'm all to willing to share and focus on that dark stuff, but I'm often so slack about realizing the amazing gifts when I'm in my hole.

I'm glad you had a good week the the mom-in-law, sounds like there's still some hope in your life which is a good sign.

74WIXYgrad said...

I agree with those who say a relationship takes work.

I also agree with you when you say therapy can suck. But there are also times when "no pain, no gain" applies.

Cat said...

I have had family therapy, marriage therapy and individual therapy and I hear you.

Therapy stirs stuff up and its how you re-organize that 'stuff' that counts. I had to find a way to lose the anger so i could actually work with the stuff therapy brought up.

The gym and cardio was my ticket to getting the anger out. It was hard and it was messy and sweaty but it helped me focus and use that energy in a positive way.