ever have one of those days where you read the instructions and just don't understand them? this guy obviously does not know how to launch a boat. i obviously don't know how to communicate. i am emotional, right now my feelings are very raw and i am very angry and i want to be alone. i do not like therapy i feel really bad after being there and i want to end it. everything, i am feeling very selfish and i know if i was out of the picture i would not ruin any more lives. i am sick and tired of being sick and tired. it has been almost 5 fucking years and i still can't get shit right.
we had therapy tonight and i absolutely am sick with it. i hate wes and i hate the therapist right now. and i am not allowed to discuss with anyone what was discussed. apparently, 2 weeks ago after the last session i went into the room and called someone to talk about the session and wes heard this. so he didn't like it. mind you this is the first i heard of this and he had ample opportunity to talk with me about it, 14 days to be exact. but he waits until the end of the session to bring this up. i am angry right now, i am full of venom and i wish he would just fucking go to bed!!! i was all crying and emotional and i couldn't get out of there fast enough and he is hollering at me to wait for him. why, i don't want to. then he tries to hug me and love on me, he tells me to quit being angry and to let it go, we are on the same team. screw the same team, if we were on the same team he would have told me his issue before the end of the session. and that was just the icing on the freaking cake!!! i can't talk about it though!!!
i am in a really bad space it is all negative and i just want to leave. i want to take my kids and get a small place where i can start my daycare and he can have everything else. i will buy my own furniture and towels. i don't need or want anything from him right now. and he wants a HUG!!!
therapy sucks, i am going to turn off my Christmas lights now, they are running too much electricity, god knows i cost him enough money.
if you have any prayers i could use them because "God save me from my anger" is not working for me right now. hopefully tomorrow i will be in a better mood and can tell you all about our holiday, it really was wonderful.