Tuesday, December 1, 2009

one of those days

ever have one of those days where you read the instructions and just don't understand them? this guy obviously does not know how to launch a boat. i obviously don't know how to communicate. i am emotional, right now my feelings are very raw and i am very angry and i want to be alone. i do not like therapy i feel really bad after being there and i want to end it. everything, i am feeling very selfish and i know if i was out of the picture i would not ruin any more lives. i am sick and tired of being sick and tired. it has been almost 5 fucking years and i still can't get shit right.
we had therapy tonight and i absolutely am sick with it. i hate wes and i hate the therapist right now. and i am not allowed to discuss with anyone what was discussed. apparently, 2 weeks ago after the last session i went into the room and called someone to talk about the session and wes heard this. so he didn't like it. mind you this is the first i heard of this and he had ample opportunity to talk with me about it, 14 days to be exact. but he waits until the end of the session to bring this up. i am angry right now, i am full of venom and i wish he would just fucking go to bed!!! i was all crying and emotional and i couldn't get out of there fast enough and he is hollering at me to wait for him. why, i don't want to. then he tries to hug me and love on me, he tells me to quit being angry and to let it go, we are on the same team. screw the same team, if we were on the same team he would have told me his issue before the end of the session. and that was just the icing on the freaking cake!!! i can't talk about it though!!!

i am in a really bad space it is all negative and i just want to leave. i want to take my kids and get a small place where i can start my daycare and he can have everything else. i will buy my own furniture and towels. i don't need or want anything from him right now. and he wants a HUG!!!

therapy sucks, i am going to turn off my Christmas lights now, they are running too much electricity, god knows i cost him enough money.

if you have any prayers i could use them because "God save me from my anger" is not working for me right now. hopefully tomorrow i will be in a better mood and can tell you all about our holiday, it really was wonderful.


Michelle Dawn said...

I can so relate to this. I hated therapy and I really hate it when I want to be left alone and everyone keeps trying to talk to me or hug me you know what I mean. I have been having some negative thoughts myself lately. Anyway dear you are so in my prayers. By the way I'm trying to get back into the game I've really missed you all.

Shadow said...

oh sweetie, you are in my prayers. it's darkest before the dawn, trust me...

74WIXYgrad said...

I'm not qualified to give any advice, but I will pray for you. I will also send a long distance hug. I think they are effective going from Ohio to Kansas, aren't they?

Ms Hen said...

a million hugs.

Therapy can hurt before it feels better.. someone told me.

Sending you good karma..

Susan at Stony River said...

Oh boy. I've never suggested therapy to my husband because I know he'd do just the same: bring up something he *never* mentioned to me, and I'd be sitting there in shock, mortified and betrayed--and that wouldn't HELP matters at all!

Hang in there hon, enjoy those Christmas lights while they're on, and soak up every minute with your gorgeous kids. At least you're not sitting in that pickup truck.

Indigo said...

(Hugs) You're in my prayers on the smoke dear friend. I agree with Shadow it is darkest before the dawn. Bad days don't last forever. (Hugs)Indigo

Tall Kay said...

Pain is the touchstone of all growth. You're growing and it feels like crap...give your anger to God, just for today. You can always be mad again tomorrow.

My sponsor always tells me "no major decisions when I'm angry." If I feel the need to take some action, I find enormous relief in journaling my feelings and a gratitude list.

Hugs to you and have faith that you are right where you are supposed to be.

Syd said...

I learned a lot about my problems in therapy--what they were, when they started and why I held onto them. I don't remember too many solutions to them though. I found that Al-Anon helped me to find the solutions. I like that. Take care of yourself.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Take care of yourself in this...therapy will get better, remember this is his stuff.

A friend in AA told me with her five fingers in the air, she pointed to each one as she said each of these words, I use this to this day: THIS (first finger) IS (2nd) NOT (3rd) MY(4th) STUFF (thumb)!

It is his stuff, not yours...you are doing great, you are having feelings that you haven't had before; you are feeling them...they will pass.

Therapy is hard, I have utilized it at various points in my life, but don't let the healing be taken away from you for someone else's stuff.

Love and healing!