Pay it Forward

"Seldom, very seldom, does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised, or a little mistaken."- Jane Austen

i sit here wondering about the truth, my truth and his truth, then of course my higher powers truth. last night we had a dinner engagement, "A" had completed her college semester and the awards dinner was last night. She had won a scholarship to Newman University. for science. This is a private, catholic college. while i was baptized catholic i do not practice, nor for that matter do i even go to church. i used to attend one where a pastor named George Gardner preached. i liked him very much he was a good freind to me and my grandmother. he passed away a couple of years ago to prostate cancer.

anyway i let "A" pick the seat and we sat down. the schools father, i am not sure what you call the guy in the collar a priest maybe, anyway the guy with the collar sat down right across from me, he smiled and introduced himself and asked my religious background. i was like well i was baptized catholic but i do not practice and he said well do you go to any church, i said i do have a higher power and i have faith. then i said i used to go to College Hill United Methodist and then to the Unity church both when George Gardner was the pastor. mind you i had a smile on my face and i was very happy, my daughter just earned 2 college credits and she is but a sophomore in high school so i was completely giddy at this point, while "A" was squirming in her seat.

then he says in response to my choice of pastor 'oh the abortion guy'. I said "excuse me?"

if i may give you some background, George Gardner was a man of God. now let me tell you a little story. Once upon a time there was a little girl, she was 16. the little girl met a boy and made a mistake, she got pregnant. the little girl had very little faith and was lost and scared. she started to think about having an abortion. all the holy members of society warned her that if she did this she would burn in hell. they told her she had no choice. but the little girl was brave and decided to go and ask for guidance. she went to pastor George Gardner. George, being a man of God and love told the little girl he would hold her hand, no matter what her decision, and that God would always love his children. Then the little girl went to Dr. Tiller and had the abortion. She continues to go to church to this day. Because George stood by this girl the protesters and many church officials have labeled him an "abortion lover". Let me please set the record straight. I knew George Gardner it was an honor to hear him speak, and never, I mean NEVER did that man ever say he was for abortion. because he wasn't. all he did was tell this little girl no matter what HER decision was it would be OK. See he knew it wasn't his place to judge, but he was judged because of it. I believe George was against abortion but for a woman's right to choose, if that makes sense. I believe he thought love was what mattered most and for people to keep the faith. faith in God is what matters most, and how can you have faith if you are told your God does not love you? I think he was a wonderful man. and those who have followed me a while know my stance on this subject. so back to last night...

The collar guy said George Gardner believed in killing babies, he was for abortion. I said no he was for people. next thing i know we are talking about abortion, at the dinner table where my daughter is about to receive an award for science. he said it is wrong to have an abortion when that happens you are killing children. I said well which is worse to have an abortion, a procedure to get rid of a fetus, or to kill a child after having it when you weren't spiritually ready to have one? he said there are far more abortions then there are childrens deaths. I said no not now because they killed the doctor who performed them, now no one will they are too scared. he said oh they are still happening, i said between Kansas City and Austin Texas there is not one single clinic left. Nobody will do it for fear of death. He never said anything about being wrong killing my other freind Dr. Tiller. Then he said well the statistics show more abortions, I interrupted him and asked him if he watched the news lately? that is simply not true. there was a case a woman got 72 years, they showed pictures of her skeletal babies who were nearly starved to death. Andrea Yeats, Susan Smith neither of them believed in abortion. Not to mention the hundreds of other children everyday being killed at the hands of their parents. he then said, this is a pretty deep conversation so early in the evening. I said i didn't mind having a conversation, i wasn't trying to change his mind and i knew he wouldn't change mine. but i did tell him in a perfect world yes those women would get pregnant would carry to term and give them up for adoption, but we do not live in a perfect world and these women do not think about that, they think about themselves and do not know what they are getting into when they sign up for a kid.

Then we stopped the conversation and he changed the subject to why was i not involved in the catholic church. i tell ya this guy was pushy. but he was sweet and i admired his conviction. i like it when someone has a strong faith and believes on their truth. he kept saying the catholic church was the only church that was the truth about God. and that is good for him, however if that is the case, i am going straight to hell no matter what. right now i am living in sin, i am a recovering drug addict, i stole thousands of dollars i used people i did Satan's work for so many years, even if i did 1000 hail Mary's i would probably sit in purgatory for all eternity.

This is just what the doctor ordered, a discussion on theology. and why i don't go to church. It is funny i really thought so, when i first came into the program all my beliefs of God were that he hated me, and I was OK with that, because i hated him right back. and i was going to burn in hell anyway, with my wayward father. so those first 3 steps took me a couple of years. The powerlessness was easy it was 'coming to believe' and 'trusting in a higher power, or God' that I had big issues with. and i can't tell you how I got from point "A" to point "B" where today i have faith and trust in the God of my understanding, and that he is loving and caring. but i did and i am glad i did. I am really glad i stood up for George last night, i think he smiled at me from heaven. if i found a church with someone who preached like him, i think i would go again. but so far i have not found a church i like. i am looking though, even though Wes has this huge mental block on it, i really think it is important to teach my children what Christmas and the birth of Christ meant to the world and why we celebrate today. I know when they are a few years older like 6 and 7 we are going to spend our Christmas adopting an old folks home, i chose that over a homeless shelter for safety precautions, but they will take the time to make gifts and give them out to the people there. i think showing them the true meaning of giving and what the season is for will keep them appreciating it for years to come.

tonight there is a tree lighting ceremony down town, we are taking the girls i will take pictures people have really kicked it up a notch on decorating this season so i think you will really enjoy the next post, which will be a 55. i have just taken what happened at therapy and set it aside. i think what the therapist wants to do makes sense, i do get way over emotional and i am not ready to talk about these things as i need to learn to not get upset. i hope she will have some good things for me to practice with.

as far as you guys i want to thank you all so much, your sweet and endearing comments help me so much. i love having you guys around and i think you mean the world to me, really. i cannot believe the support from complete strangers that i get and yet it also gives me hope to keep the faith.

OK so now that i am in the mood and have Christmas cards to mail out I think it is time for this years first installment of "Pay it Forward"

The way this works is if you choose to do so leave me a comment that you want to "Pay it Forward" then i will pick 3 people to give my gifts to, I will have 365 days to mail them out. If you are one that is chosen you will post a Pay it Forward" on your blog and pick 3 people to give to, actually you don't have to limit it to 3 but in order to receive you have to be willing to give. Last year Syd chose me and gave me some wonderful gifts from his part of the world, I played the game but was still very new to blogging so I didn't get any takers. I think this year will be different. But it is December and the Season of giving so lets start with today!! It feels so good to give and i am feeling much better, not thinking about the stuff that bothers me and staying right here in the moment is a wonderful place to be. so that leaves me with todays thought;"Don't look back on happiness, or dream of it in the future. You are only sure of today; do not let yourself be cheated out of it." --Henry Ward Beecher