Monday, January 17, 2011

ramblings of a clean addict

 hey i got to g-man first tonight?!? where is everybody?

so super busy weekend leads to breakdown on monday. i lost it today had a melt down with wes before he left for work. over losing a dish scrubber!! i just got so overwhelmed and tired and wanted my dish scrubber so i could wash dishes and started yelling and cussing. he ask me why was i yelling and i screamed back 'I DON'T KNOW!!' how does that man put up with me. i went to my room and yelled at him to just go to work and i sat there angry, and alone for a while.

then a few minutes later i went straight to the gym. thank god the girls weren't home. i got done with the gym came home had to shower quickly so i could go to the Hyatt for a meeting. we are having a service conference there in March and we needed to ask some questions about what would or would not be allowed. i don't like that we are at the Hyatt. to me it is not prudent but it is what was decided on as the venue. and guess who's name is on the contract for the room block??? yeah i am a little nervous about sticking my neck out here. this is a very fast moving conference and if i don't meet the 80% which is 24 room nights by the 15th of February it is my butt needing to pay that to the hotel.

i really believe in this project we are working on. i trust in this process, and i feel very alone in my fellowship right now. i can't even talk with my sponsor about this because she is at odds with this service venture. she talks very condescending to me, very mistrusting in what my view on it is. i try to talk to her and just can't stand how she is being. so i called another sister in recovery to discuss this as we share the same sponsor and she does not co sign my b.s. she told me to allow our sponsor time for this to sink in, she said our sponsor is having trouble right now separating me as her sponsee and the way she feels about this project. she also said she is really looking forward to this conference and if i needed to talk to call her. our sponsor would come around.

i am very anxious still. there are so many things swirling in my head and i haven't had a decent nights sleep in about a week. that contributes to my restlessness and moodiness.

i went to the doctor to have my A1C's checked and they left this hideous mark on my arm, worse than any time i shot up dope!! i hate seeing it there it really bothers me. it has been a while since i have felt this restless so i am grateful. i know that my recovery and therapy are doing wonders for me. i strongly apologized to wes tonight. i hate treating him badly, he does not deserve it.

so i am doing the treasury, po box, and registration plus artwork for this event. if it moves forward then it will lead to the creation of a united states service conference that would be historic and monumental. we had a planning meeting yesterday and 8 people showed up to help. today we went to the hyatt and found out more stuff. i got the minutes done from yesterdays meeting and we will meet again on sunday. this deal is set for the first weekend in march so we only have a few weeks but we will have members from all over the united states coming here. so it is really exciting. i am really excited and scared. i really would like to see this move forward in a positive way... but i guess more will be revealed.

thanks for letting me vent a bit, i forgot how much it helps to write this down. again this is the venture that i am standing on my own two feet with. i am standing for my convictions even when those i trust do not necessarily feel the same way. i feel i am doing the right thing for the right reason. my fear is, i have been here before and failed. only on a much smaller scale. so again here is my quote for today..

"May I always be inspired by my failures then by the fears that keep me from trying."-me


Noelle said...

You hang in there!!!

Shadow said...

vent away. this writing stuff down is the bestest of therapy for the soul.

G-Man said...

You did good sweetie.
I'm so proud!!!

Scott said...

hang in there... writing really helps me to sort stuff out also... don't forget to take care of you so you can take care of your responsibilities!

be well, God bless!

Chrissy said...

You are doing so well, and we are all here reading and routing for you!
Recovery is a big thing and once you embrace it, you can soar.
At least that's what I've been reading lately. A book about recovery, called, Soaring Above Co-Addiction, by Lisa Espich.
It's changed me after reading it and I just thought I would share how great of a book it is.

Eddie said...

Putting pen to paper...or finger to keyboard...can be the best form of therapy. Better than keeping everything bottled up inside! THanks for blogging. I will check back regularly!