Saturday, March 28, 2009

snow and finances

We Got SNOW!!! Wow what a beautiful day!!. I think i lost my bell peppers, they haven't spouted yet and some of my tomatoes have not either, but my kitchen sprouter just arrived and I am growing fresh sprouts all day!!
We just turned out our lights for earth hour and then I plugged in online to watch the dramatic skylines all over the world go dark!! What an amazing thing to be a part of, next year i will contact the democratic party in Sedgwick county to get involvement there!!
I will be planting more peppers, i just started some rainbow bells, so I will redo the green ones. I was told not to get discouraged and just try again so that is what I am doing, they aren't going anywhere for a while since the ground is covered in ice and snow!!! I did not hear any thunder though. My girls and I went outside to try to make snow angels it was so much fun they threw snowballs till their little noses started running then the only way of getting them in the house was to get them in the bath tub immediately.
We spent the earlier part of the day in the blizzard, shopping. Groceries don't last as long when you are buying primarily produce. And it is so hard on a budget. We have been listening to suze orman and we are building our savings and it means cutting back on so much, my "A" just earned over 80 buck in babysitting last month and then we just found out we need to pay an extra 50 bucks for her soccer games. It is an athletic charge if your high school student is playing sports, this is the cost. Well my girl asks me if she is going to need to pay the 50 bucks herself and my honey says Maybe. This completely mortified me. I hate not having an income. And on top of that who am I to ask to pay for a sitter 3X's a week so I can go do some tutorials from Libby hen we can't even afford to pay my own daughter!! So on top of that I took some items off the grocery list that I wanted to get because i was not going to take away from my daughter. It is just so hard when everything is costing so damn much and there is a squeeze on everything and more money keeps going out and not enough is coming in.
So this is a little bit of something that is eating my lunch. I feel so powerless and where do I draw the line. i mean I know it is what is best for the family but my emotions are eating me up about being a taker from my own family. It is very humbling to not be contributing a paycheck to your family, i know some of my friends have been laid off and it may be a while before they work. but there are times, and I know this is my shit, that it feels like i am being judged for living off of somebody else, not being an independent woman who takes care of her kids without a man. Then they will come in and say "well i know how you feel i just got laid off myself." Then my addict in me says "the hell you do I haven't had a job in 4 years!!" you know it is one thing to not have a job in a few months but to have had a great paying job with benefits I might add. The only thing I could do was wear low hanging shirts, tight jeans and let grabby drunken assholes grab me for a buck!! So not only am i not working but i have no skills to get a job that would be worth getting to pay for a decent sitter!! Even if i got a job paying 10 bucks an hour, I would have to hire a sitter at 4 bucks an hour per kid!! Do the math. And I go through this feeling every time I have to say no to my child who deserves a yes. I still don't know if we have the 50 bucks for sports, and we discussed her excess babysitting and there was the convention, but then I was like then how do I justify paying someone else to watch my babies!! quite a vicious cycle my little addict puts me through. I am so very grateful for everyone out there who cares so much about others.
I am so very grateful today that all that shit I just put down in my blog did not come out of my mouth today. you know i know it is just life on life's terms and 2 years ago I couldn't even look at my debt let alone talk about paying it off. pride is a nasty little hidden defect sometimes. today I pull out my bills we discuss insurance and other things like how to spend money and how to save money. I am very proud of the fact that I have less than 700 in bad debt, it used to be much higher and I am close to paying it off. I have about 8000 in student loans that are in deferment and asap I will be putting that in good standing to get a better FICO score. it is just that sometimes the real part, you know the moment where you need to decide is something a necessity or a want, sucks. and for this little addict my mind goes there. I am grateful that i can process these thoughts today in a loving a caring manner both to myself and my family.
I read a lot of blogs of family members of addicts and see them straining to understand or ask themselves "why", "was there something we could have done different?". you know the answer to the latter is no. As for the why, some things aren't meant to be known just accepted. for an addict our thought process is f***** up. the thoughts i just shared about the finances and the trigger of what put me in a bad space seems so amplified to the common human, "earthlings" as we call them. but those thoughts are running like bumper cars through at least this little addicts brain all the time, and the only serenity i find is in the program and I try to share this with others. I never had a piece of mind before. it was more like a squishy lump of goo that wouldn't stay in shape and it kept me running like crazy, the only thing that would make it stop moving was dope. but that stopped even the good feelings, today I want to keep the good so I have to deal with the bad as well i am grateful for my tools today, today i choose life. for my thought;"Older and wiser voices can always help you find the right path, if you are only willing to listen." --Jimmy Buffet
Thanks to all my voices who help guide me today!!


Lou said...

Your comment on my post today was so right on, about sharing what I now know with Andrew when he is ready. I could tell by your words you have been there. Thanks for writing about your journey, it helps us all.

Busy Bee Suz said...

I can see why you are going in circles here....too much on your plate. Don't be so hard on yourself for trying to learn a trade that will bring in money later. You need to do this.
Your oldest is really learning some life lessons here too...things cost money. I know you don't want her to have to spend her own, but she may need to help with it some. It will make the sport all that much more important to her in the long run.
I hope it all works out for you...

kristi said...

Hi I found your blog today. I know your journey has not been easy but kudos to you for hanging in there!