rambling thoughts

do you ever feel sad for no apparent reason?sometimes i feel like i am doing great then i make plans for the next day and when i wake up i feel different. yesterday i finally got back to the gym and i felt good, got a lot of work done. today, not so good.

these flowers i got for mom on her last birthday, i really over did it but i wanted her to be able to wake up to something pretty, she died four days after her birthday, i don't know if she even knew they were there.

last week i got into a fight with my honey. i was so mad that i turned off my computer, tornado sirens going off i need to check the weather.... just a drill, nice of the city to say they were going to do a tornado drill on a cloudy day!!! usually, here in wichita they test the sirens on mondays at noon, if there is no severe weather. today is tuesday so it kind of scared me to hear them go off. so where was i oh yes the anger demon... i was angry all day on friday and i turned off my computer, unplugged my phone and sat here and took down all my pictures off the wall and planned to leave. i packed a bag and was ready to i don't know what, maybe move into a hotel room for a couple of days. obviously i did not do that i am still here. i have low self esteem i figured that one out. the fight was due to laundry not getting done and he had no work clothes. i did not know he was out of laundry and felt real bad about it so bad that i decided i would move out before he kicked me out. i have another issue, i have no sense of security here. i do not have a job or any income of my own and haven't sense i have been clean. it is hard to separate the past and the present sometimes and to exert a little faith when a loved one is venting that is all they are doing, venting.
i went right back in my head to captain stupid and the myriad of fights he would create just to berate or hit me. in that relationship i worked he did not. he got all the money and spent it as he saw fit. ( by the way i am giving up on capitalizing my letters, i hate it when my i's are not capitalized and this will save me some time going back and fixing that)
not to change the subject but i believe that low self esteem is a character defect and it is rearing it's pretty little head right at me. i don't like it when i don't like myself. i work really hard on this. i am working on having financial security at this time and i know i cannot expect to get a job in this economy, but let's face it we are not married and this bothers me that i could lose my home. he has never, ever said anything of that sort but i still don't feel secure sometimes and i don't like that feeling.

i really love my life today and i don't know why i am trying to complicate it with these stupid feelings. it is like i am trying to sabbotage myself. i mean really if i left where would i go? my parents are both dead, my sister is a nut with lots of chaos that i cannot handle and my brother, my older brother, lives in financial dire straights in arizona. i really have no one i would actually stay with nor would i want to i do not want to live in someone else's chaotic house. this is my home and i sometimes try to push myself out of it because of some feelings triggered by some angry words.

the last few days i have noticed a significant drop in comments to my blog and so i haven't posted anything real, except earth hour, i am really excited about that i wonder what it will be like if 1 billion people shut off their lights at the same time for an entire hour. that will be something. so with this vast clutter of thoughts raging through my head it is just a sure tale sign that even after 4 years clean i am still an addict and i still need this fellowship and i do not need to isolate. i did go to a meeting that night and shared about my isolation, it was a great meeting.

i have to go and do some more work now, we are making a garden in our back yard, trying to eat healthier, i will take some before and after pictures to show the progress. we will be renting a rototiller on monday to work the backyard. i have a tray of cilantro seeds growing and i also have some pea shoots sprouting. i have a great list of veggies i want to plant and a dear friend of mine is going to help me get this going. this is another reason for feeling overwhelmed i just gave myself more chores to do and i need more help from my family to keep this all in order.
todays thought;

“The steps are our solution. They are our survival kit. They are our defense against addiction, a deadly disease. Our steps are the principles that make our recovery possible.”

Basic Text, p. 19

Just for today:

I want everything my personal program has to offer. I will work the steps for myself.

just for today daily meditation book march 10th