Thursday, July 29, 2010

flash fiction friday- the man on the corner

Every Friday, or on those days you have the time, write a short story, poem or prose
 of 55 words, no more, no less then report it to the G-man!!

"the man on the corner i see him every day
he walks in pajamas and smiles in a funny way

the man on the corner gets ignored by everyone
did anyone noticed today that he was gone

the man on the corner is someone's son, brother and friend
will he ever walk this way again?"

Story behind this; there is a street near where i live, i get off the highway and take it south to go home. on the west side of the street just south of the highway there is a man who walks this block. he wears headphones and pajamas with a black shirt everyday. he smiles and sings along to the songs he listens to. he is always alone. i sometimes think that his whole universe revolves around that street corner where he walks back and forth everyday.

i haven't seen him in a few days and i often catch myself looking down the street to see if he is there. i wonder if anyone else ever notices him. i wonder if there is something wrong with him that he does this, spends his day walking along one corner of the street in this town, never going anywhere. i wonder if anyone else notices you ever notice the man on the corner, there is one in every town.

so here you go g-man it is good to be up again in the blogging world!!! have an awesome weekend everyone, i will try to catch up on comments with this tomorrow!! thanks for stopping by

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Blogger Award!!

Jingle has given me so such and so many awards, i feel blessed. This is another one of her wonderful gifts to the blogging community and she is greatly appreciated for it.

The Rules of Acceptance:

1. Thank those who loved you enough to bestow this gift.
2. Share seven (7) things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers–in no particular order–who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let 10 chosen friends know you love them.

So here are my 7 about me..

1. I love to giggle, I love making people giggle and I especially love hearing my daughters giggle. it is fun just to write the word giggle.

2. I am learning to stand up for what is right, and I am learning to stand in my own truth.

3. I love comments, I love it when people take the time to comment on my blog.

4. I am deathly afraid of spiders, they are yucky.

5. I am a grateful recovering addict who is working on step 8 for the 1st time.

6. I have never been married. So I have never been divorced.

7. I want a baby boy. I have 3 girls and I want one more, but it probably won't happen anytime soon.

New bloggers, I haven't been around in a while but there is this one that I gave a shout out to:

A Dreams Scribe: a wonderful and inspiring place to check out.

Wait. What?: not new to the blogging world just new to me so it makes it all good for this list. she also has a blog called the next right thing where the intent is to motivate people to be better and feel better about themselves, nothing wrong with that, and i consider a complete asset to this community!!

you know I will make it a personal quest to hit blogs this week to give a shout out to. I have 2 listed here so there are eight to go!! Thanks Jingle for everything you do!!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

looking up

getting things back on track today. first post in a week. i have been faithfully going to the gym i am now under 200 pounds and i have not seen the scale under 200 in over 4 years. i am trying the low glycemic load diet. the concept is to remove the starch and high sugar drinks from my diet and to exercise. i hope by september to have my A1C's lowered significantly but only time will tell. i am even getting used to only 2 cups of coffee with no sugar in it.

i discovered soy flour, and wheat bran. these two items make it possible for a protein waffle once a week. i can still keep with in the weight watchers guidelines as well. Beans are ok as long as they are not refried, i can use less of them in my soups. All the things i read from the american diabetes association says to have 6 servings of starchy carbs every day. the low glycemic diet talks about removing starchy carbs.

my family loved the diabetic diet because you simply take some insulin and viola low sugars. me i have been burning the glucose out of my blood for about 4 weeks now and lowering my intake of glucose. the problem with starch is that your body turns it into glucose and glucose goes into your blood. your pancreas has to make insulin to take the glucose out of your blood stream. it then turns glucose into fat and stores it in your body. hence there are so many overweight diabetics. if we continue to eat high carb diets, loaded with starch then when we do go to the gym we only burn glucose out of our bloodstream and see little if any effective weight loss. i had this problem last year at the gym if you recall. today with less sugar in my diet, less starch that turns straight to glucose, when i go to the gym it is effective in weight loss because now i am burning fat cells. but time will tell when i go in september. i am also hopeful for the holidays coming!!

i know i like lots of sweets and goodies but learning these new recipes on the low glycemic load, not index, diet i can substitute some sweets. the pumpkin pie is a staple for the holidays, and a complex carb so medium on the gylcemic load, i can make a soy flour crust, and it doesn't taste bad, and i have a feeling no one will notice. i don't eat pumpkin pie, but there are other things i can do and it makes me excited because i love new recipes and cooking. one thing though i need to get rid of corn starch. i can substitute guar gum and or xantham, i know these things sound weird but if you look at some labels of food you will find these things in there and they replace cornstarch. cool huh.

i have been feeling wonderful to boot, i feel more energized and organized. i am still uber busy we are planning a trip to texas next week and my meetings are covered. i think i am on the right track with my diet.

we had the funeral last friday and we all cried our eyes out. part of me was angry with my friend and part of me was angry with myself. i thought why couldn't i save him. but it was not my job nor is it my job to save anyone. that is not what carrying the message is all about. the gift is in carrying the message, it is not up to us who hears it but we recover more fully and gratefully knowing we are doing our part to help give this message of recovery away.

my brother is out of the hospital and my sister is living in her truck right now until the first when she will get assistance. i am going to mail out my newsletters this afternoon and heading to the gym now. i hope you all are wonderful and i will try to get to commenting on you this afternoon, during naptime...

thanks for sticking around even when i wasn't posting or having time to comment on everyone. i do miss this part of my recovery. you all are a great part of it, i love the thoughts and heartfelt words... oh and we realize we suck as organic gardeners!! there are huge caterpillars eating my dill!! and my tomatoes are not popping out tomatoes they have flowers but no tomatoes we found some stuff that you spray them with to help with that!! so much for organic, we did not get the spray yet but we are losing our crops to bad bugs even with an insectary!! oh well eventually we will get it, don't know what more we can do this year but to keep watering, hoeing and hoping for the best. and pulling those damn hungry caterpillars off my plants!! wes was going to powder them and i told him, Don't kill them!! i mean they were just hungry. and pretty, i know i am sicker than others but i felt a little compassion for a hungry caterpillar. it looked just like the one in that childrens book the very hungry caterpillar and there were about 6 or 7 of them. ok gotta go!!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

life on life's terms....not my terms

well my brother is in the hospital again. he apparently had congestive heart failure and was in tachycardia when he went into the hospital two days ago. i knew he was there my sister told me. he goes in so much it is like bathing or something i find it hard to feel. i know he is suffering and i know he is not making it up but the damn kid is feeling so sorry for himself it just makes me so angry.

therapy can be  a double edged sword you know. on the one hand i am getting better and learning about my behaviors and what is wrong so that i may fix it. on the other hand i am looking at my past and my life in a new light i never saw before. i am becoming resentful of my parents. if you have followed me long you can read my past posts on how much i cherished my parents and how much i felt bad for all the pain i caused with my addiction... my addiction.

yes it is my addiction. it is also my borderline personality disorder. a mental state that happens to one when they come from such a chaotic and bad home. it was no picnic. one of the symptoms of BPD is addiction, did my parents unwittingly help cause my addiction? look at my brother in the ICU right now because he doesn't know how to take care of himself. i heard that my baby sister is off in Timbuktu taking her kids with her. through no fault of their own they are going to perpetuate this vicious cycle that is my family and they, if they survive their childhood, will end up worse than me and my siblings.

my brother has been through hell and he carries the pain of our family inside him. all the injustices, all the anger and rage all the shame worry and self loathing lies within him now. i am learning to let mine go. but he is dying of heart failure at 32. it will be natural causes of course. i will probably pay for the funeral.

don't get me wrong he will come home from the hospital this time, but the next time he forgets to take his medicine and decides to smoke he may not be so lucky. he has no insurance, no job he lives off the kindness of others. he has a looong list of medical problems and he cannot afford the medication to keep his heart in check. disability is a joke they won't give it to heart patients and the republicans made sure he won't get medical coverage for 4 years or more and so he will die a deadbeat, penniless and broke, just like his mother and father.

 i heard my little sister is off to washington state looking for relatives, they are dragging their children with them. and i am afraid to say she won't find any family there and she will run out of money and be stuck in the middle of the country all alone and i can't help her either. she want's somebody to take care of her just like my brother does only she is dragging her kids across hell and back. i don't think she is using, she never gave me that impression, she has creditors chasing her too.

and they both sit there and struggle with life and here i sit comfortable because someone is taking care of me. and for that i am grateful and blessed. but as they will eventually call me and ask for help and i tell them i cannot they will spew the most hateful words at me. my sister especially. my brother will just not call for a long time. i swear i feel like a parent to these kids.

k i must rest now i needed to vent. i worry for my niece and nephew, my sister and my brother. parents of addicts know this worry...

Monday, July 19, 2010

time slips by

it has been a while since my last post and i have not had time for a friday 55 in weeks. i don't have time to visit my blogging community and now i need to make a decision on our vacation. i have several commitments to keep and now i have to give a few of those up to go to texas and visit family.

don't get me wrong i want a vacation, really. but i lead 2 meetings a week i have therapy at least once a week i have the asc business meeting and we were going to attend a group conscious this month. a starts school on the 17th and we have regional weekend on the 14th and 15th of august so our best bet is with in the first week of august but national night out is on the 3rd and i committed to do public service at an event in town. if we leave after the third we will miss the asc where i have a report to give and money to receive for the regional donation. either way i will be missing a meeting that i lead and it means the group will not be open on that night or those nights.

my sponsor tells me i need to let go of some of my responsibilities but i am not sure which ones to give up, the hispanic group just started but the week nights are not getting any support. yet. i promised the group service rep that i would commit to these meetings and at first it was just one night a week because we had other members but they have since moved on and no longer attend.

on to other things i have lost 25 pounds with weight watchers but found out that i am still diabetic. my A1C's were at 6.7 but my sugars were normal. so i do not require medication but if my A1C's reach 7 then i will. so i spent the last week and a half eliminating the sugars in the house and changing my glycemic intake. i hope. i have been hitting the gym about 5 times a week and i am learning some new recipes for my health. tonight i made some grilled peaches, we had some that were not getting sweet so i drizzled them with agave nectar and then i grilled them over an open flame. i used a half cup of fat free sour cream and added 1 tablespoon of splenda and a teaspoon of cinnamon to top them off with  and it was a lovely dessert at only 1.5 points per 2 halves and very low on the glycemic index!! I haven't even had time to go to a weight watchers meeting in over a week so i do not know what my weight is now but i should be losing still. i have new muscles on my thighs and my butt is separating from the top of my legs!! so that is really exciting.

i need to go read to my girls and work on my garden. thank you all for sticking around and leaving me comments, every day when i check my emails i am always hoping someone stopped by to check on me, today the lovely Eaton Bennet left me a wonderful award and i will try to get to it soon. i hope you all are doing well.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

A New Blog to give a shout out to!!

Hey everyone I haven't done this in a while and in fact with the new layout of blogger i can't seem to get to my dashboard or add new peeps i am following. so let me tell you about "A Dream's Scribe". This guy has talent, the likes of shadow and dulce would be proud to read!!

 He writes wonderful poems from the heart and stopped by my giggles post and gave me a shout so I thought i would return the favor. Stop on by to "A Dream's Scribe" and check him out!! You won't be disappointed!!
Stop by his blog and give him a shout I know he will be full of fans very, very soon!!!

Monday, July 12, 2010

moments of silence, gratitude, surrender and acceptance

"It takes courage to grow up and be who you really are."- E.E. Cummings

We had our business meeting yesterday and my request for extra meeting schedules was squashed again. I didn't argue or try to fight I just let it be and we had to leave early as Wes was asked to speak at a function an hour away.

I have been thinking about my recovery and the journey I am on. It is not always easy and sometimes I feel defeated and I want to give up. I haven't though. I haven't given up. I keep coming back. I have gratitude today. I hear other members share of their gratitude, and I truly believe they are grateful too, because I feel grateful.

I went to our convention this past year and we attended a marathon meeting, my friend, was chairing the meeting. The cool thing about NA is when you go out of town to places you may think no one will know you, you end up finding your friends their.

He smiled when he saw me walk in and gave me a hug. We started the meeting and it was wonderful i shared from the heart and I shared my fears. I shared how I thought people didn't like me and how I was scared to go to face to face meetings at that time. I shared how others questioned my judgement in service and that I was starting to doubt myself. I cried, I do this often in meetings, my therapist says I am a feeler. When i was done my friend shared and he told me to go to his group, he told me if I needed a safe place I was welcome and safe at his group. He told me not to listen to those people and that he never saw anything but good in me and in everything I did in service was always to carry the message of recovery and he encouraged me to continue my work. I was so grateful for that and it meant so much to me.

Since the convention we have worked together in activities and PI. We have had a few conversations on the phone about carrying the message and he attended some training classes with us for panel presentations.
I just think he is the nicest guy, he always has a smile to share and words of encouragement for the newcomer. I saw a lot of myself in him and had hope he would make it this time too.

I found out at the picnic last night that he recently relapsed. I also found out that his body was found the night before last and he died of an apparent drug overdose. The disease of addiction is progressive, incurable and fatal...
I cried for my friend and i cannot imagine never seeing his silly smile again. The way he tipped his ball cap in recognition or the gleam of the sunlight on his glasses that made his smile even bigger. i hate this disease. this damn disease is killing my friends and sometimes i wonder if any of us will make it through. i feel very lucky to not have used and i wonder why my friend gave up the fight. it was his choice, and yet when I  saw him he said he was grateful, just like me. doesn't that mean anything? was he scared? was he afraid he was not worth the effort it takes to have recovery? he has been in this program a long time, longer than me, though he had a few relapses.
today i pray he is at peace and i know today he never has to use again.

a moment of silence for the still suffering addict....

thought; "Just because everything is different, doesn't mean anything has changed."- Irene Peter

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Thursday update-again

just got a call from the doctors office. my annual check up was last week and all my blood work was done. i wasn't worried this time though, in fact it was the first time i actually thought i had nothing to worry about since i am doing so well on weight watchers and eating healthier. turns out not so good, i am officially diabetic. no more coffee...
this really sucks

thursday update

my little ones are vacuuming the living room. i just am overwhelmed with feelings today. yesterday at therapy i sat and listened as my honey and my therapist discussed ways he could handle me when i have a break down. while it is very loving, it is also very humbling and it makes me very sad that it is almost like i need to be looked after like a child. i know when i get past boiling point however, i need to be handled that way. this is an attempt to avoid medication. i am currently doing emdr therapy with one guy and dialectical behavioral therapy with another. i trust both  these people very much and i appreciate being able to work on my issues without a fix it pill.
today i am grateful for narcotics anonymous because of the footwork i did in my steps gave me the open- mindedness to take a look at these deeply engrained defects of character and be able to do something about them.
it is like my eyes are opening and i am seeing my life like i never have before and while some memories are still very painful to look at, i am learning which are my pains, and which do not belong to me. those are easier to let go of. it is very distressing to look at everything with non judgmental eyes. it brings a new perspective i never looked at before and a fresh new chapter for another fourth step!! i need to complete the steps i am on first.
i have my business meetings this weekend and i am not so worried about them today. i know where i stand and i know what i would like to see done. however i am ok with it being completely out of my hands, and so i need not push any issues or my will for any reason and this gives me peace. i have hit quite a few meetings this week. it helps a lot with my head. i hope to stop by and comment on all my wonderful readers who take the time to check up on me. it is such a wonderful thing to have people who care. i even have a friend in saudi arabia, he sent me some speaker tapes from the world convention in barcelona spain. this fellowship is simply incredible how it teaches us to care for each other simply because we can. i met my friend i think on line i was looking for someone i met at the world convention in san antonio and we have been pals ever since. i also got in touch with the person i was looking for from the convention and she and i still keep in touch as well. she lives in new zealand.
see there are my emotions going all over the place again.
well my kids are fighting and i need to mediate i hope all is well with you. my garden is starting to come back to life, the extreme weather we have been having hurt my vines terribly and my beans just died, we tested the soil and found the ph was a bit high and so we treated it, but my zucchini and cucumbers are finally starting to come around. i must admit i did dust them twice, but then those crows ate all my fruit, not i am popping firecrackers at them to keep them out. i better go before someone gets an eye poked out..

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

tuesday rant

i love this picture. i found it online. i downloaded a ton of new brushes for my photoshop and i love the work i am getting done. i feel real bad today. i gained a pound and a half. i fell off the weight watchers wagon over the last week. my mother in law was here and then his brothers family came in to town. i asked if we could go to the healthy restaurant and nobody wanted to go. it is hard to maintain a healthy diet when no one else wants to. i know i need to get back on track, today i am going to the gym, the library and then another panel presentation. we have therapy tomorrow, joy...

i am very anxious about the area business meeting. i hate confrontation and after the last presentation a fellow whom i don't get along with is going to be there. we used to be friends and now he just hates everything i do so much that he berates my work in front of professionals. he did a panel presentation with us last week and then told the professionals how this scripts were sterile and how he could have just emailed them to the professionals. this is our public information chair. if he ever read a handbook on how to conduct a panel then he would know that you need to keep it 'sterile'. uugh it is so frustrating, we had a rehearsal before the presentation and he could have said something then, he could have asked for changes if he didn't like them. no instead he takes all integrity, if he ever had any, and throws it out the window and shows his ass in front of the community corrections officers in wellington. i am so angry about what he did and i can't say anything because it will come out angry and bad. i don't want to face this person i just want him to fall off the face of the earth with his smug little self entitled grin. ok so it is good that i have therapy tomorrow. i also have a new sponsor, i think i told you that. i have never heard back from my old sponsor and it has been over a month. i left her three messages.

ok this is my update i will try to post again, soon. i am going to the gym to get some happy endorphins i hope you all have a wonderful week, we had rain all weekend for the fourth and we got our fireworks soaked!! how was your independence day?

Thursday, July 1, 2010