Tuesday, July 20, 2010

life on life's terms....not my terms

well my brother is in the hospital again. he apparently had congestive heart failure and was in tachycardia when he went into the hospital two days ago. i knew he was there my sister told me. he goes in so much it is like bathing or something i find it hard to feel. i know he is suffering and i know he is not making it up but the damn kid is feeling so sorry for himself it just makes me so angry.

therapy can be  a double edged sword you know. on the one hand i am getting better and learning about my behaviors and what is wrong so that i may fix it. on the other hand i am looking at my past and my life in a new light i never saw before. i am becoming resentful of my parents. if you have followed me long you can read my past posts on how much i cherished my parents and how much i felt bad for all the pain i caused with my addiction... my addiction.

yes it is my addiction. it is also my borderline personality disorder. a mental state that happens to one when they come from such a chaotic and bad home. it was no picnic. one of the symptoms of BPD is addiction, did my parents unwittingly help cause my addiction? look at my brother in the ICU right now because he doesn't know how to take care of himself. i heard that my baby sister is off in Timbuktu taking her kids with her. through no fault of their own they are going to perpetuate this vicious cycle that is my family and they, if they survive their childhood, will end up worse than me and my siblings.

my brother has been through hell and he carries the pain of our family inside him. all the injustices, all the anger and rage all the shame worry and self loathing lies within him now. i am learning to let mine go. but he is dying of heart failure at 32. it will be natural causes of course. i will probably pay for the funeral.

don't get me wrong he will come home from the hospital this time, but the next time he forgets to take his medicine and decides to smoke he may not be so lucky. he has no insurance, no job he lives off the kindness of others. he has a looong list of medical problems and he cannot afford the medication to keep his heart in check. disability is a joke they won't give it to heart patients and the republicans made sure he won't get medical coverage for 4 years or more and so he will die a deadbeat, penniless and broke, just like his mother and father.

 i heard my little sister is off to washington state looking for relatives, they are dragging their children with them. and i am afraid to say she won't find any family there and she will run out of money and be stuck in the middle of the country all alone and i can't help her either. she want's somebody to take care of her just like my brother does only she is dragging her kids across hell and back. i don't think she is using, she never gave me that impression, she has creditors chasing her too.

and they both sit there and struggle with life and here i sit comfortable because someone is taking care of me. and for that i am grateful and blessed. but as they will eventually call me and ask for help and i tell them i cannot they will spew the most hateful words at me. my sister especially. my brother will just not call for a long time. i swear i feel like a parent to these kids.

k i must rest now i needed to vent. i worry for my niece and nephew, my sister and my brother. parents of addicts know this worry...

5 comments:

Syd said...

It is sad but there is nothing that you can do to save them or fix them. Take care of yourself and your little ones.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

How and when do we learn the difference between good and bad?

Between right and wrong.

It seems, I've known since I was a kid. I was placed in classrooms, in circumstances, in friends homes, well and most importantly right here right now, in AA with a practical demonstration (in people right here and right now) and I learn these things over time through so many different sources.

What made me believe that my parents were the only ones who were responsible for showing me the light? That I had a right to judge that they would be the ones to demonstrate the behavior I was called to reflect?

I had many teachers, many examples I could have taken. I, in disease, focused on the disease and became the judge of who was wrong and began to blame long before I took a drug or drink. I knew my family was wrong, screwed up and disfunctional long before I drank. I blamed my family for the disfunction/disease/disorder in myself... and finally, I realized... they weren't responsible. That right now in this moment, I could realize how many people in my experience over the years were there demonstrating spiritual principles, inviting me to a different (better understanding of how I could live, should I have chosen that route) but I spent so much time living in the idea that my family was to blame, that THEY were the problem, that they caused me to be this way, I never latched onto a new idea. That I had the power to be a visible spiritual demonstration of a miracle NOW. That they had no more power to be different then, but I do NOW. And I have to live NOW. There is no reason I cannot become a sane, rational and loving human being. I have a practical demonstration of how to behave, of things i can do, of recovery. Unless I chose to wallow in the past, wallow in what should have been, or could have been if it weren't for... (oh the inventories I have written based on my old ideas that surface in living life on Gods terms.) I have the opportunity daily to write those old ideas down, take a real look and realize how many opportunities I'm given now to be in a new spiritual and miraculous reality.

YAY GOD! And yay AA (and NA) for becoming the new reality that demonstrates the miracles of God in practical human form.

If I'm still blaming my parents for who I am today, I've missed the boat. I'm still drowning in self-pity, self-delusion, and outside the spirit of recovery. Which is ... today I have a choice, I'm sober and I have the ability to be everything God wants for me (happy, joyous and free).

Fractalmom said...

concentrate on your recovery. coming from a chaotic abusive household does not an addict make. blaming your parents is futile. they didn't send you down that road.

if it were true, every single person who is an addict would have parents who were abusive and irresponsible and whatever.

those feelings of resentment will interfere with your recovery.

g-man said...

((((BIGHUGG))))

DivineMistyM said...

Sue we're doing ok. Just FYI. I have a job, I'm getting help from the state which will probably end soon because I have a job, but that's ok, I hate living off the state and other people. I work my ass off, and yes I have creditors after me, but there's nothing I can do about it right now. I'll more than likely file bankruptcy, but I've got myself on a budget, and it's working out. I was looking for family because I think my kids need to be around family, I'm just not willing to let them be around our brother and sister. No matter how much you claim they are trying to change I have people who tell me they're not. Our sickly brother even tried to get my best friend from high school to give him money. Not cool. If he is sick it is of his own doing. I'm sorry he's doing poorly, but when he is gone I won't shed a tear, and you know why. I'm glad your realizing what our parents actually did to us, and yes it's affected me and you everyone in our family, but at least you and I are trying to change that. I might have a convulted way of fixing it, but it's my way and so far it's working.