thursday update

my little ones are vacuuming the living room. i just am overwhelmed with feelings today. yesterday at therapy i sat and listened as my honey and my therapist discussed ways he could handle me when i have a break down. while it is very loving, it is also very humbling and it makes me very sad that it is almost like i need to be looked after like a child. i know when i get past boiling point however, i need to be handled that way. this is an attempt to avoid medication. i am currently doing emdr therapy with one guy and dialectical behavioral therapy with another. i trust both  these people very much and i appreciate being able to work on my issues without a fix it pill.
today i am grateful for narcotics anonymous because of the footwork i did in my steps gave me the open- mindedness to take a look at these deeply engrained defects of character and be able to do something about them.
it is like my eyes are opening and i am seeing my life like i never have before and while some memories are still very painful to look at, i am learning which are my pains, and which do not belong to me. those are easier to let go of. it is very distressing to look at everything with non judgmental eyes. it brings a new perspective i never looked at before and a fresh new chapter for another fourth step!! i need to complete the steps i am on first.
i have my business meetings this weekend and i am not so worried about them today. i know where i stand and i know what i would like to see done. however i am ok with it being completely out of my hands, and so i need not push any issues or my will for any reason and this gives me peace. i have hit quite a few meetings this week. it helps a lot with my head. i hope to stop by and comment on all my wonderful readers who take the time to check up on me. it is such a wonderful thing to have people who care. i even have a friend in saudi arabia, he sent me some speaker tapes from the world convention in barcelona spain. this fellowship is simply incredible how it teaches us to care for each other simply because we can. i met my friend i think on line i was looking for someone i met at the world convention in san antonio and we have been pals ever since. i also got in touch with the person i was looking for from the convention and she and i still keep in touch as well. she lives in new zealand.
see there are my emotions going all over the place again.
well my kids are fighting and i need to mediate i hope all is well with you. my garden is starting to come back to life, the extreme weather we have been having hurt my vines terribly and my beans just died, we tested the soil and found the ph was a bit high and so we treated it, but my zucchini and cucumbers are finally starting to come around. i must admit i did dust them twice, but then those crows ate all my fruit, not i am popping firecrackers at them to keep them out. i better go before someone gets an eye poked out..