Monday, July 12, 2010

moments of silence, gratitude, surrender and acceptance

"It takes courage to grow up and be who you really are."- E.E. Cummings

We had our business meeting yesterday and my request for extra meeting schedules was squashed again. I didn't argue or try to fight I just let it be and we had to leave early as Wes was asked to speak at a function an hour away.

I have been thinking about my recovery and the journey I am on. It is not always easy and sometimes I feel defeated and I want to give up. I haven't though. I haven't given up. I keep coming back. I have gratitude today. I hear other members share of their gratitude, and I truly believe they are grateful too, because I feel grateful.

I went to our convention this past year and we attended a marathon meeting, my friend, was chairing the meeting. The cool thing about NA is when you go out of town to places you may think no one will know you, you end up finding your friends their.

He smiled when he saw me walk in and gave me a hug. We started the meeting and it was wonderful i shared from the heart and I shared my fears. I shared how I thought people didn't like me and how I was scared to go to face to face meetings at that time. I shared how others questioned my judgement in service and that I was starting to doubt myself. I cried, I do this often in meetings, my therapist says I am a feeler. When i was done my friend shared and he told me to go to his group, he told me if I needed a safe place I was welcome and safe at his group. He told me not to listen to those people and that he never saw anything but good in me and in everything I did in service was always to carry the message of recovery and he encouraged me to continue my work. I was so grateful for that and it meant so much to me.

Since the convention we have worked together in activities and PI. We have had a few conversations on the phone about carrying the message and he attended some training classes with us for panel presentations.
I just think he is the nicest guy, he always has a smile to share and words of encouragement for the newcomer. I saw a lot of myself in him and had hope he would make it this time too.

I found out at the picnic last night that he recently relapsed. I also found out that his body was found the night before last and he died of an apparent drug overdose. The disease of addiction is progressive, incurable and fatal...
I cried for my friend and i cannot imagine never seeing his silly smile again. The way he tipped his ball cap in recognition or the gleam of the sunlight on his glasses that made his smile even bigger. i hate this disease. this damn disease is killing my friends and sometimes i wonder if any of us will make it through. i feel very lucky to not have used and i wonder why my friend gave up the fight. it was his choice, and yet when I  saw him he said he was grateful, just like me. doesn't that mean anything? was he scared? was he afraid he was not worth the effort it takes to have recovery? he has been in this program a long time, longer than me, though he had a few relapses.
today i pray he is at peace and i know today he never has to use again.

a moment of silence for the still suffering addict....

thought; "Just because everything is different, doesn't mean anything has changed."- Irene Peter


Syd said...

How really sad. I am very sorry for the loss of your friend. He sounds like a good man. And yet perhaps he didn't feel that way about himself. It is about what we feel inside I think.

Chic Mama said...

How sad. :0( xx

Andrew said...

A story oft repeated. I am sorry that this is your experience just now.

Hang in there. Be well.

Prayer Girl said...

Glad to be back from the International AA convention. What a blast it was. Unbelievable.

Aren't conventions wonderful?


Robin said...

So sorry for your loss ... and I'm sure he'll be very missed. Another reminder of how serious this all is ...

Her Big Sad said...

I'm so sorry about your friend. You painted a picture of an awesome young man with your words. You are right - this damn disease is killing so many. ((Hug!))

Suz said...

I'm so sorry that you lost your friend. Your words mirror so much of what I have felt after also losing a close friend in Recovery.
Take care of yourself Hun. I'm saying a prayer for you.

Eaton Bennett said...

Have courage to continue the good fight, and it is a fight...a fight for your freedom and life. Every one lost to this disease is a sad loss indeed.

I have an award for you on my blog, a Pink Award that came to me from Jingle. I want to share it with you.