holding my breathe

ever notice sometimes, when life is going on how you suddenly think 'hey this ain't so bad'. you get that special moment of clarity and all seems right with the world. i am not thinking that all my issues are gone, i am just thinking all is right, as it should be. i think that is called gratitude.

and yet sometimes i get crippled with fear, anxiety that something is wrong. something with someone i love, usually my children, and my head gets crazy. i stop and pick up the phone. 99% of the time the first number i call is wes. i call him first he is my best friend , my biggest cheerleader and strongest support. i love him like no other. sometimes i call my sponsor, usually when wes doesn't answer because he is in a meeting.

i took the kids to the zoo today, it was beautiful. and my 'a' had her big dance and we dressed her up and she was so amazing. i took a ton of pictures. i love days like today enjoying the sun and walking. i got some great pictures of the tigers up close. i think they were eyeballing my haley for lunch, however there was a glass partition so they could not get her. she adored them too. though not in the same way...

this weeks therapy was very appropriate. Distress Tolerance. Practicing distraction from a situation that is hijacking your day. not something to be done on a regular basis, just until the crisis passes so you can look at it with a clear head.

wes told me on thursday that the doctors office called and left a message for him to call them back. i told him it was probably nothing. after therapy wes called me and told me there was something in his blood and it could be nothing but they were sending him to a specialist to make sure. he said he had to prod the doctor to find out what it was because he would have gone into a tailspin thinking he was dying if the doctor didn't tell him what he thought.

the doctor told him it could be nothing, but it could be the beginning stages of leukemia. we see the specialist on thursday. we really don't know anything. it could be nothing...

tomorrow we are going to the circus, got free tickets from the school. it could be nothing...

i suppose there are a lot of reasons not to post this, however i missed friday, sorry, i was distracted. this is my place a place where i feel safe and yet there are those who care just enough about me to only be nosy. do i let them in, do i block them as followers. i don't believe in censorship. this is my blog. my place and i can delete any comment even if it comes from a family member. wes supports my blog and he loves me and i know nothing i post will offend him.

yet here i am justifying my actions. am i crazy? maybe i am just scared and i don't want to feel alone. i don't want this to be real. maybe i think the internet is not real. maybe i am using it as my god box today. my heart is pounding out of my chest and it feels like i can't breathe. he will be home soon and i can't wait to see him. maybe i am just stalling. procrastinating. it feels like i am holding my breathe, it could be nothing...

todays thought: "we cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."- randy pausch

why am i here.. a meme from lime

i am here because my mother met my father in a bar after her husband died.
i am here because my father was a good dancer and could swing a lady.

I'm here because my mother didn't care what her family thought of my father
or maybe she did and maybe i m here in spite of it.

i am here because i ran away from home. i ran so far i thought i would never go back.
I'm here because i met a man who said he would love me, but only hit me.
I'm here because i needed a place to go that was safe, where he couldn't hurt me, so
i looked for a safe place to hide and found a dark and scary place.

I'm here because i liked getting high. i used to hide in that dark space to get
high and i would forget why i was here.
I'm here because i didn't want to feel the pain so i pushed the needle deeper.

I'm here because the paramedic decided to get up that day and go to work and answer
a call for an unresponsive person. i tried to hide way deep in the dark place and i didn't want
to come back.
I'm here because the policeman decided to respond to a call of someone stealing
and using fake identification. i didn't want them to know who i was.

I'm here because there was a baby growing in my tummy and she needed a mommy.
and maybe i needed her.

I'm here because a man decided to love me, even though i couldn't love myself.
I'm here because he stood by me and took care of me when i was not able to take
care of myself.

I'm here today because i choose to be and i can decide that all by myself.

here you go lime. i am not a very good poet, it doesn't rhyme but it does start with me being here. i think that is what i was supposed to do. anyway check out lime's  hers is much better!!

flash fiction Friday- grammar

Every Friday write a short story, poem or prose of 55 words 

no more no less and then report it to the g-man!!!

"Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the
importance of correct grammar.  I have noticed that many who text messages &
email have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.  Capitalization is the
difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your
uncle jack off a horse."

here ya go g-man!! a little late but i needed a grammar check as i don't like to capitalize, he,he ,he... this just makes me giggle. i crack myself up sometimes!!

happy birthday to me

so i am over it, teenagers suck. literally


yesterday i had a wonderful day. my sister spoiled me rotten taking me to breakfast, buying my children some new tops and taking me to "Cocoa Dolce" the finest chocolate makers in town who have a decadent selection of sugar free truffles.


then my daughter cleaned the garage, a little and raked and swept the backyard, i know 'what's the catch right'. then i grilled some asparagus with balsamic vinegar and fire roaster some tomatoes, mushrooms and zucchini. i grilled some chicken and pork loin ribs with honey teriyaki sauce for dinner and my honey made me some sugar free chocolate mousse for dessert.


then i was given a lot of money and told to spend it on myself!! so i did, i bought myself another gold ring and some boots. and everyone sang to me!! yes getting older is a pretty good thing for me. i was good to myself yesterday and did not indulge in carbs and now i am heading to the gym for some endorphins!!


as for the rest of the day who knows, that leaves me with a brilliant quote for the day: "To know the road ahead, ask those coming back."- Chinese Proverb

HICKIES!!!!!

EEWWW!!! Oh my god!!!! help please!! my daughter has hickies on her neck!! i swear to god!!! we were gone this weekend to convention and i didn't notice last night, she has been wearing a big sweatshirt all day and when i picked her up from school she turned her head and there they were!!!

big as golf balls!! don't laugh damn it!! it's not funny!! this is my daughter!! 17!! does she need a depo shot?!? i mean what the 456 do i say!! seriously.

ok so hickies. it's like i know where they come from. i know it wasn't a vaccum cleaner!! lipstick cases do not remove them!!

do you remember hiding hickies from your mom? what did she say to you? what did you say to her? were you grounded? should she be grounded? i mean she is 17. i think it's her first? do i really want to know? AAUGGHHH

as long as she is not pregnant. do you ground a kid for hickies? a girl? a 17 year old girl with hickies on her neck.

so when i picked her up from school she turned her head and i saw them, then her friend got into the 'mom taxi' and we started home and i didn't say anything. then we saw her 'boyfriend' walking and she asked if we could pick him up. i thought of saying 'not if that little fu$$#$ put those marks on your neck.' i thought it, i didn't say it.

i didn't say anything. nothing i am a flipping coward!! i remember hickies!! i know where they come from!! ok i am repeating myself now. i am just going to post and wait for my internet god box to answer me with some words of wisdom!! come on guys, give it to me straight. what do i say. and jr, if you read this i will delete your comment little brother cause i don't need it from you!!

you can stop laughing now....

flash Fiction Friday- a minfulness rant

Every Friday, write a short story, poem or 

prose of 55 words, no more, no less then report it to the G-Man!!

"ever watched the sunrise in a purple sky

or counted raindrops to let the time pass by

 ever centered your thoughts on just one thing

being mindful for a moment and letting your soul sing

as days get filled with the hustle and bustle of everyday

a moment of mindfulness is needed come what may"

Here ya go g-man, it has been a while and i am a little late posting and out of practice. it is good to be blogging again.

 had therapy last night and it was amazing. we are working on guidelines for relationship effectiveness skills and guidelines for self- respect effectiveness. this couldn't have come at a better time. 

the story i printed that got me censored in the newsletter as the editor has been reprinted in another newsletter and it has some commentary about my censorship committee or as the region likes to call it 'review board'. my sponsor and i have had a riff between us ever since this fellowship assembly, she also likes to tell me how grateful she is i am in therapy working on my issues. the thing is it is very condescending.

 now this may will mark my last meeting at the region as newsletter editor, i am also walking away from regional service as we need time to sell this house and get moved. i am terribly concerned however that the voices that reign supreme at region will be very angry about what was printed and there is nothing i can do about it. already i feel attacked. this homework, i need practice, so that i may not get flooded and so that i can get through the meeting without showing my ass.

see i am not sorry the story was printed, it validates me. i am proud of my work and many members, who are not in service expressed gratitude for the story. the problem is, me. i am already on the defense. the solution is this homework.

so i am going to the convention this weekend and not sure what to expect, except of course a date night with my honey. but on the trip there we will practice some of this go over it and write it down, i will post more on this subject next week...

just for giggles i will add my article, the one in question, and your input would be awesome. let me know if i was out of line or if this article makes any sense:

I have been truly honored in being entrusted as the editor of this newsletter. I have read and re-read stories printed in this newsletter and the spiritual rewards have been overwhelming. 

I believe it is rewarding not only to read the stories but to also be given the opportunity to share some of my own personal story with you. It has been difficult, to say the least to receive input from members to fill this newsletter. I enjoy making artwork on my computer and have done so on occasion. I have also put in excerpts from the basic text as well as reprinting stories to fill in the space.

In the last issue I made some controversial artwork to fill a page. Of course I did not know it was controversial when I put it in the newsletter. I have been told that members have shared their concerns that this artwork puts NA in a bad light as it is sent all around the world.  And I must say to these members, you are correct, this newsletter does get sent all around the world. And I ask you does the artwork in question look worse on Narcotics Anonymous as a whole then printing “Work the Steps or Die MF” the name of a group, in our meeting schedules, which by the way are uploaded on worlds website. As addicts it is in our nature to be controversial, I guess what bothers me most is the implication that it is bad to shed light on a subject as powerful as predatory behavior. If you haven’t guessed by now the artwork in question had the following words on it; “Give the Newcomers a chance, Keep your ___ or ___ in your pants.” The blanks were filled in by pictures and the Chinese characters of a rooster and a cat. I felt I should be all inclusive as we know women can be predators also. Yet I still don’t understand why this is negative.

In every meeting in Narcotics Anonymous all around the world it is stated “the newcomer IS the most important person at any meeting because we can only keep what we have by giving it away.” Let’s think about this statement for a minute, what exactly does it mean? Do we only love them until they can love themselves from a distance? Or do we make a concerned approach after the meeting to talk with the newcomer to give them hope that they too can stay clean? Or do we simply hug them and tell them half heartedly to keep coming back, with no real enthusiasm. Personally, I feel we do not do enough to harness and protect our newer members. We tell them they can be of service by dumping ashtrays. We say things like “I am grateful for newcomers because you remind me of what it is like out there.”

To deny that predatory behavior is an issue in our rooms is wrong. This brings me to a quote I read; “The central defect of evil is not the sin, but the refusal to acknowledge it.”- Dr. Scott P. a non member. Think about it for a minute when we first start to work our steps we say things like “I don’t have resentments” or “I only owe amends to a couple of people”  I even heard a member say “Why do I have to look at the past when I already let it go?” but who does it really hurt to deny the truth?

Who does it help to lie? It has been said in this program that you can’t save your face and your ass at the same time. And yet we still don’t talk about it!! We skirt around this issue of SEX!!! It is a real issue, it is a part of our lives and it is something that can be a terrible addiction that runs newcomers right out of the rooms.

And the big issue for me is when I was new I thought that being intimate meant having sex. For a lot of us that was the only thing we knew as a form of love. The members of this fellowship from my Sponsors to those who came before me in service to the still suffering addict all of you taught me that my vagina is not my “God Hole!!” There I said it. Sex, sex, sex. Personally I like sex and I live the NA way of life and believe it or not, that does include having sex. The whole world does it. There is nothing wrong with it when you are spiritually, mentally and physically ready to have sex.

Sometimes I have seen older members approach newer members in a predatory manner. This is wrong. If you are having urges that have nothing to do with love or recovery, then maybe you need to talk to your sponsor before moving forward. If you are trying to hook up with someone with only 30, 60, or 90 days and you have more than a few years, dude call your sponsor.

We love to say in meetings “I lost the desire to use drugs a long time ago” and then go flirt with a newcomer, really. I have seen it and guess what, if this describes your behavior you didn’t lose the desire to use, you changed your drug of choice. I think we need to remember why we are here, read the statement on the cover of this newsletter. Gratitude. I think it is important to protect our newcomers and let them know they are more important to me then worrying about offending anyone.

Thanks for letting me share, thanks for saving my life I will keep coming back. Send me an article for the next printing, something about recovery, NA recovery you could make it about how your life is changed or what service means to you. This is your newsletter and it is your stories that make it great. Be good to each other and remember that no matter what happens, you never have to use again.

In loving Service,

Suzie E.- Editor

one of their major complaints was the word vagina and that i put 'newsletter editor' on it. now it is reprinted with 'newsletter editor and some colorful commentary about how censorship is bad and good for me for standing up for my values. this newsletter is frowned upon by NA world services it is called the purist newsletter and if world doesn't like it well our region won't, so why do members get copies of this? they think they need to be watchdogs of renegade NA groups. yeah i'm in trouble...

ok well i gotta get packing for this weekend. thanks for reading!!