Friday, December 3, 2010

just a quickie

so we went to a dinner party tonight and i really wanted to eat everything!! i didn't though but it was painful. so many carbs and i didn't have any. then today i got angry at my Haley shortly after my earlier post. i was really angry, and i sent her to her room. i got mad at myself for feeling that way, but i didn't act on it. then i called my sister to come help me. she did.

it is hard to stop doing something that feels so normal to do. i spent part of the day crying and i realized that i am upset about "A". she will be leaving soon. to start her life. she will be moving away and she won't be here any more. it will be so strange to not have her come home everyday. she will be out of state for 10 weeks for basic then about 20 weeks for job training. she will start college in Lawrence after that. we are still here in Wichita which is about 3 hours away. we want to move but you know how that is all going. we are looking at Topeka and that is still an hour away from her. i feel a loss. then at dinner tonight i was reminded by a good friend of mine, that at least she will still be here. i can still call her. my friend spent the day crying too. i felt so selfish at that moment. today marks the 6 month anniversary of her oldest child's death. i cannot believe it has been so long. i cannot believe i feel a loss. i feel fear that something will happen to her out there too. and i have my little ones here to love and play with.

this strange range of emotions that are coming out and for the first time i am really observing them. yes i got angry today, but Haley just saw me tell her to go to her room. then her aunt came over and i went to the store myself, without my girls. and part of me felt like a bad mother to need a break. my children need the outings too. my thoughts are all over the map right now. Wes is leaving on Sunday for a week, i have an Avon party scheduled so that will be lots of fun!! I don't know if i have enough room though!! i got 12 gals coming to my little bitty house!! maybe some will forget to show up!! well i do have bean bags!!

i just needed to get my thoughts out. i missed a meeting tonight because i wanted to spend time with Wes before he leaves. i hate it when he is gone. i love him so much.

my brother is gone towards Colorado. i won't be seeing him for the rest of the holidays he said. his life is a shambles and he is on one big pity pot right now. and i can't fix it. but it is my girls bedtime. so i must sign off for the night.

may you all have a wonderful weekend, i think of you guys often i will stop by in the morning and try to catch up a bit. thank you for sticking around, i appreciate my online buddies so much!!


Kim A. said...

Some of my best memories are of my son's first year at school and my being the crazy-clinging-hovering-teary-eyed mother. I had to get the emotions out. He was so good at just letting me be me. We laugh now at the things I did..out of fear, out of love, out of sadness. Embrace it all, feel it, talk about it and tuck this time will look back and smile. Hugs.

Busy Bee Suz said...

So much going on. So many mixed emotions. I get this.
Take one moment at a can do this. A is going away, but this is a good thing. Be proud that you got her this far. You have done good.

Syd said...

I didn't think much about what may parents were feeling when I went off to college. They never told me but would write me letters. I was homesick that first semester away. I am sure that A will enjoy the experience of training, although it may seem rough at first. Having a goal is a good thing.