alone again

so here i sit alone in front of this computer, my honey in KC and he won't be back for a week. i could not sleep well last night. co-dependant. i need to get to the gym this morning. i will be going to a meeting though i don't know where.

plans for the wedding are moving forward. i have found some gorgeous dresses online now i need to go in and try some on so i can see if i like them. my brother has left town, he spent the last couple of weeks in the hospital and now he is on a huge pity pot and i really have a lot of compassion for him but it sucks that there really is nothing i can do to help him. he cannot stay here. we are trying, still, to sell this place. he has worse behavioral problems than i do. i see the rage and anger in him, it is all he can hold on to. i know that feeling all too well. probably why i feel so much for him. it made me sad because we were having such a good time planning thanksgiving together, he was normal for about 2 weeks then he just spiralled out of control. he created such madness in his reality and he let it go on for days. when i had my moments of madness it only lasted a few hours thank god. i see his madness and recognise it. and no one else does, except for Wes. i am grateful for my therapy. i am grateful for my recovery. i have not acted out in my behaviors in quite sometime, not that i am not capable of doing so again, but today i am in a real safe place. i wish my brother could find such a place.

Christmas is coming and my house is full of cheer!! my children are going to see Santa on Wednesday. my Haley has one request from Santa this year. a real puppy. she says but mom i am ready for a real puppy i want a bowl to feed him and a leash to walk him. i told Wes that it was very important to her and when we do get one, it won't be this year, but when we do it will be a Christmas present. maybe if we are moved and settled in a bigger place next year would be better. so hopefully she won't be too disappointed this year. the bean of course wants a green unicorn!!! we are getting her a unicorn and putting a green scarf around it.

being on the hunt for a unicorn for Christmas really puts the season into perspective for me. family is so important and my little girls giggling down the hall is the most beautiful sound i know. Haley was running up and down the hall laughing the other night. just laughing. i told Wes that i never did that in my house, i was not happy. i am so grateful my children are happy, they want for nothing and love the simple things like puppies and unicorns. they love wearing princess dresses and playing together, i never had that when i was little, we all seemed to hate each other we were so jealous of each other.

so while half my heart is in Kansas City, i will fill out Christmas cards and go to the gym and hold down the fort. today's thought; "Life is lived forward, but understood backwards."- Bob B.