christmas blues

this comes every year. i just can't explain it. i feel a bit sad, the season changes and goes so quickly. i have been truly blessed in life. so much so that i have lost friends in the process. i cannot seem to put a finger on what is exactly bothering me.

my sister; her health is poor, she has not been to the doctor since she had a mini stroke last year. she is not taking her insulin and her sleep habits are poor. not to mention her stress is very high, her oldest daughter is living with her and is verbally abusive. she screams and has tantrums and threatens to kill herself. she calls her mother the most horrible names and tells her that she hates her mother. my sister just takes it like a whipping post. their finances are bad, christmas is going to be tight.

she is my matron of honor, so i am pulling her to all these wedding shops and when we first went to look at my dress she was trying on bridesmaid dresses. now she is saying can she just wear pants. she is sad and depressed and i fell like i am adding to her stress, so i don't want to ask her for help. i feel guilty because i have funds and she does not.

a lot of my friends are bad with finances. bad- they shop their emotions away, or eat them away. i don't do that any more. but they don't call me anymore. i am lonely for friends who i can talk to. i hate walking into a room and hearing a friend say 'go on tell me how much wieght you lost so i can be jealous.' so i say '45 pounds thank you for asking.' you know i have worked real hard to lose weight and get my sugars under control. and it is a struggle still, it would just be nice to have some female support you know, not women who feel sorry for themselves saying things like 'i wish i could do that.' i feel like saying 'get off your lazy ass and do it then! stop waiting for a quick fix-it pill and do it.' i want to tell them to stop squandering their money away on pop and cigarrettes. if they stopped spending all their money they would have it for chrsitmas, clothes or to fix their car. or when they are sick they don't go to the doctors because they don't have insurance, so even if i talk about going to the doctors there is this uneasiness. or when they tell me they are  diabetic and then eat half a cake at a recovery party and wash it down with pop. what do i say? nothing. when they go out to smoke i yell 'CANCER SUCKS' it just pops out, that one i cannot control. i feel like i am going t owatch all my friends die because they won't take care of themselves.

wes has not had time to go christmas shopping for me. i cannot go for myself, if i do i won't be surprised. i used to love the christmas mornings wondering what i got under the tree. my mother always made sure i had something, i was always so grateful for whatever it was. i miss my mom. i miss my dad.

the guys at the meeting were talking about football last night. i haven't been into the games since my father passed. i used to love watching the games with him, football, boxing, basketball, the olympics, baseball he always loved finding out who was going to be mr. october. or was it september.. i don't remember. does that mean i am forgetting him? i had a dream about him the other night and i introduced him to my girls. he has been gone 7 years this past november. november 15 2003, that is when i lost it, spent the next year in a self induced hell. 2004 was just a blur, i don't remember much. i got clean in january 2005, elvis's birthday was my first day clean. mom was around to see me get my 3 year coin before she passed on january 15. i can hardly believe she will be gone 3 years now and my girls won't remember her, or how much she loved them.

maybe i just miss my family, maybe i am feeling older. scared to die today. you know that is a miracle. me being scared to die. there was a time where i welcomed it, dared it to come. i used to think how peaceful it would be to just slip away, close my eyes and disappear. today i am so busy with life, i don't want it to ever end. i want to always hold my girls and love them and kiss them. i want to always have wes with me. there is a lump in my throat and i am happy, scared and sad at the same time.

there was a time when i did not feel anything. i am happy for these feelings, they are mine. i will hold on to them for a minute or so more, then i will go and try to find someone to talk to. and then let the ones that make me feel bad go. i am not afraid of my feelings today. they are just feelings.

i got my wedding dress and it is beautiful. it is the most beautiful thing i have ever owned. it was one of my favorites online and normal price was $649, i got it for $298, the beadwork is beautiful and it goes in a V shape down the back of the train. it laces down the back and is strapless. it is so pretty. i want my bridesmaids to have matching dresses with all of them wearing the same dress, full length the only difference, my matron of honor, she will wear a shrug as she feels her arms are too big.  no decisions on flowers or colors yet. trying to find some dresses that my matron of honor can afford, i will have to wait until after the holidays. she is in a real funk and i hope she comes out of it soon. it makes me feel funky too.

today's thought; "The rose and the thorn, and sorrow and gladness are linked together."- Saadi