an honest post

borderline personality disorder is a product of your environment. my therapist is treating me for BPD. of the 9 criteria to be officially diagnonsensed with this mental illness you only have to meet 5. i met all 9. apparently the chaotic lifestyle my parents gave us growing up is a contributing factor to this. drug addiction and impulsive sexual relationships is also a symptom. i read parent of addicts blogs and i completely emphasize with them. i feel bad that their children are causing them harm emotionally, i sometimes take it on.

i read a comment the other day from a mom of an addict and she says calling it a disease is giving us an excuse for our behavior instead of accepting responsibility for it. this makes me sad. when i hear parents say 'oh i tried that nar anon it doesn't work.' what you are then showing your addicts is to continue to have a closed mind on recovery because it doesn't work for you it won't work for them. why not continue the cycle of self loathing, fear and hate we got nothing better to do right? ever heard the term lead by example? that is exactly what you are doing by refusing to see you need help for yourself in what you are being put through, you are then showing your addict they don't need help for what they are putting you through.

growing up was very chaotic. i don't blame my parents for my mistakes or my actions, i never have, that is why i am still on step 8. i think what i did to them is unforgivable and i don't want to forgive myself. in doing this i am keeping myself sick. well guess what now i have been diagnosed with another condition, BPD and if you do research you will see it stems from a chaotic home where the environment was unstable to say the least. a symptom of that illness is drug addiction. i wonder if i were fractal moms kid or mom and dad's kid would i have ever picked up that first drug. then it makes me wonder if their kids had such a great childhood why did they. i am not saying that to be sarcastic but what i read from mom and dad is they are really stable and productive people. my parents were not. i swear, my father was a drunk and party  supplier to hells angels back in the day. spent years in prison for 2 counts of involuntary manslaughter for drunk driving. my mother was a work a holic and depressed. spent her evenings laying on her bed reading a book. i took care of dinner from the age of 9. i was the one in charge of taking the checks to pac bell and the electric company when they were not paid in time. i would get on a bus and go around town to pay them. i even took my little brother and sister to their parent teacher conferences. mom and dad didn't have time. my father allowed my pervert uncle to live with us. he walked in on him molesting me and beat him up and put him back in his room, with my little brother. yeah. i came from a very unstable home. one time i walked in from school and my little brother was hanging himself from the stair case. i cut him down. he was 10.

i wonder when i hear parents who cannot comprehend or emphasize or even open their eyes to the possibility that something is wrong, were they this close minded when their babies were young?
i know it hurts, i know the path of destruction an addict leaves behind is devastating. sometimes we are just doing the best we were taught. sometimes that is all we know. survival. survival at the animal level.

today i can accept the fact that i am an addict, i have a DISEASE called addiction. I am not responsible for my addiction, I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY RECOVERY. it is now my choice to recover. if it were not for my program and the work i do in my steps i would not be able to look, with an open mind, at this underlying BPD. am i angry at my parents, no, they did the best they could, the only thing they knew how. they loved me, they were not perfect, non of us is or will be. this is me, this is my life, this is who i am. i can go to my therapy and meetings and work my program and take care of me so i can take care of my children that they may not have the same hardships. do i think this means they won't ever pick up? absolutely not. but i know where to go if i ever need help with that. this is a mixture of anger and coming to acceptance in my post. i have not had time to blog much lately as i am super busy with life. i have lost 22 pounds and continuing with weight watchers it is really working i have a great idea for cookbook and graphic arts and still struggle with the fact that i do not have an income but i need to take care of me and i am blessed with a provider to give me that time.

i didn't mean to offend anyone with this post. i have not posted any personal stuff lately and i felt like i was lying to my readers. i needed to get this out of my head.

sometimes i wish i had someone like fractal mom or mom and dad or lou who try so hard for their kids sometimes it feels like my parents didn't. sometimes i am jealous of those kids who seem so spoiled, but then i am grateful for where i am at. i guess i really read those blogs because i really miss my mom and dad. i really appreciate those parents out there who try so hard.