Tuesday, July 28, 2009

growing up in recovery

well we went to topeka on saturday to visit his mom and she wanted to get our pictures taken, a family portrait. i was very excited about this as the last time we all sat and had a family portrait the bean was about 6 months old, and my mom was the grandma in the picture. wes's mom made an appointment for 3:30 and when we got there at 3:30 the gal was just starting her 3:pm appointment. so we walked around for about an hour trying to keep the girls settled down and finally got in at about 4:45. remarkably the girls did wonderful for the pictures and it took Joyce, wes's mom and i about an hour to do the order. i asked her how much could she spend and that i thought we could go in on halves and she said she didn't have a limit and wanted to give me a gift so let's just see what we wanted to order. we tried to be frugal but when it is your family and you love everyone in the picture it is hard to turn them away. we weren't sure about the packages because the cheapest one was 99 dollars so we just went through and picked the ones we wanted. well if we would have just gotten the ones we wanted it would have been 150. so we got the 99 dollar package and we were able to pick 6 more pictures for the package.
we left the studio and went out into the parking lot and "A" was pushing the shopping cart with haley standing up inside it then she started to run and tripped over her sandal causing the cart to suddenly stop, haley went somersaulting out over the top of the cart and landed flat on her back in the parking lot!! i about freaked out. i screamed haley's name, i had gillian in my arms and went running towards them. both girls were crying and "A" was just beside herself. i grabbed my baby and gave "A" gillian and went to the back of the van and got some ice to put on her head. i was so scared and i just kept breathing and checking her eyes and stuff. we finally all calmed down a bit and haley stopped crying she had quite the goose egg on her head but i was still worried and wanted a cat scan. wes said i was over reacting but i really was worried and if we weren't so far on the road at the time i spoke to him about my concerns i would have made him go to the doctors.
i mention this accident because i was very proud of the way i handled it. i did not once yell at "A" for being so careless. the old me would have done something like smack her a couple of times while yelling something like "you stupid b@#$# what were you thinking!!!" i know this is how i used to react because my sister still does this to her kids. i know a lot of people in recovery who still behave like this outside of meetings. these people tell me not to share what is going on with me, you know if i act out in anger and yell at my kids for something trivial i go to a meeting and share about it i share very honestly about the guilt and the shame i feel and the fact that i don't want to be that way. i share this with my sponsor as well but the way i look at it is this, that is what my meetings are for to be able to intimately share what is going on with me. anyone can behave for an hour a day anyone can quote the book but not everyone really lives this program. not everyone takes it with them.
when i first went to meetings i was on the pink cloud because i thought the NA gods were just amazing people but somewhere down the line while i continued to work my program and actually use the spiritual principles in my life, i noticed quite a few of those "NA Gods" were still way back behind me, they continue to act out on character defects and criticize those who want real change. they continue to have chaos in their lives and choose not to change.
today i continue on my "pink cloud" because i continue to be honest and to try to change for the better. i mean look at me when i was using i couldn't even grow pot, now i have a flourishing garden, this from someone who only had fake plants. the main staple in my vocabulary was "i can't" today i can try and today the change in my attitude is this much that i am getting ready to open a licensed day care!! this from an addict who can't stand kids!! i couldn't handle kids in my life and i remember when the bean was born and wes had to go back to work the first day he was going back to work i was crying, i was in hysterics because i was afraid i couldn't handle the kids and my sick mom all by myself i was so scared to the core of my being. i called my sister crying and asked her to come over because i didn't think i could handle it.
wow i can't believe how much i have worked on me. so yes i get a little judgmental when i am around those who choose to behave or live like a using addict. when you have the tools and choose not to use them there is no blaming anyone but yourself for the mess in your life. life is short and it is meant to be lived, and the higher power in my life today wants me to be happy and live a full life. today that is what i choose this serenity and peace and i love being with my kids!! who wouldn't, look at them they are too precious for words. i even smile at members who say "oh i could never handle children?!" yeah, me too...
ok so for todays gratitude list 5 things;
1. today i am grateful for my sponsor who suggested i do a gratitude list with every post to keep me in the moment, right where i am supposed to be.
2. today i am grateful for randy pausch, he coined the phrase "brick walls aren't there to keep you out, they are there to see how bad you really want something."
3. today i am grateful for Syd of "I'm just fine" fame, someone who has become a true friend and gives wonderful gardening advise, an honest blogger. hey how do you get rid of squirrels who eat tomatoes?
4. today i am grateful for the g-man or "Mr. Knowitall" for carrying on the Flash 55 it is a wonderful way for bloggers to come together and find their inner writer!!
5. today i am grateful for Lou and Dad and Mom and the very powerful impact they have on my recovery by showing me what my mom went through and it gives me strength to stay clean. it is just one of the many reasons i am grateful for my recovery today. thank you for your honest sharing about your addicts.
if you get a chance drop by these guys blogs and you will see what i mean.
my life is filled with so many blessings and i am truly grateful for the person i am becoming and i am truly grateful i am not settling in my recovery, i want more and i will continue to "keep coming back" todays thought;
"It takes courage to grow up and be who you really are."
- E.E. Cummings


Busy Bee Suz said...

I love reading how much you have changed...this is wonderful. I am sorry for the kids having this accident, but you handled yourself perfectly. I see lots of parents that behave terribly towards their kids, even when they are NOT addicts...kudos to you for doing the right thing.
Take care, Suz

Shadow said...

i too am proud of you. it's amazing how changes in actions and reactions creep in so slowly, we only notice them once something like this happens. *hugs*

Dad and Mom said...

Glad we could make your list and be of help. We do this for ourselves and if it helps others that is wonderful.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Aww poor kid! Maybe she'll get to play the sympathy card a few extra times though ;op I would! Big ole goose egg.

Life is so fabulous today, having moved through the steps once and continuing to move through not only for me, but with others really keeps my ideas expanding, my spirit opening up to new possibilities and new horizons and in Awe of the miracles!

Relationships restored and enhanced, life restored and enhanced, health and material needs restored and enhanced, gosh it just keeps getting better, in spite of "me" lol :) I love my life now, just love it, even if I trip over myself and my old ideas sometimes... just gives me something to look forward to... more work, more miracles, more life... and more happiness, joy and freedom!

Angel said...

Glad that you were able to do the right thing in a very stressful situation. It sounds like you have come so far! That is wonderful to read. You have worked hard to get where you are, and are an inspiration. Thank you for all of your help and support while I have been struggling. I really appreciate it!

Syd said...

I can tell from reading your posts that you have so much positive going in your life. I too came to realize that those in the program are human just as I am. And in our humanness, we make mistakes, errors in judgment, and are flawed. I can accept that much better than I used to. And I'm glad to have a gardening buddy on line. I have a load of vegetables that I'm taking to some friends before tonight's meeting. It feels really good.

A Stitch In Thyme said...

You sound healthy today. This is good. I just found syd's blog as well. Very good read.

Blessings to you.

Steve E. said...

Sometimes when I am who I USED to be, I realize (or someone tells me) that is not who I really ARE.

I like who I really ARE, not the piece of shit I used to be.

Madison said...

You would be a nice person to be around.

Findon said...

A family photo. Normal things. Life seems good for you and you deserve it after all your hard work. Kepp posting I love to read about your days.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

You are a TRUE miracle...this post just showers us with the miracle of recovery...thank you so much for your amazing sharing and your honesty and your life...it is a good one and there are many gods who will walk with along your way as long as you remain open, honest and willing..much love to you

Lou said...

I'm grateful you do not let the people who are not at meetings to work on their recovery slow you down. If someone wants to stay clean, there are NO excuses, and you are living proof of that.

God Bless the daycare endeavor. There is such a need for places where a person can leave their child for the day and have peace of mind.

diane d said...

I just today found your blog by reading someone elses.
Wow! This is such an empowering and encouraging post! Thank you for being so honest in your writing.