Monday, July 20, 2009

emotions getting the better of me

so i had a very emotional weekend as you can tell from my last post. i ended up losing all of my zucchini plants, i had to have wes come out and help me to pull them because my cucumbers, watermelon and cantaloupe were all tangled up in the dead plants. the damn squash bugs were those little flying beetles with red bodies and 3 black dots on them. i think i mentioned them before because i didn't know if they were friend or foe and i couldn't find anything online to tell me what they were. so i sat there and watched these things infest my beautiful plants and kill every single one of them.
as we were out there pulling the zucchini i started crying and he said "awe honey don't cry" i just couldn't help it i worked so hard and was so happy to see this things go from little seeds to these giant beautiful plants. i feel like a failure, but i cannot let the rest of my vines suffer. the cucumbers, and watermelon are doing great they have no damage so far. boy i was really looking forward to sharing some of this bounty, i guess i did just not to who i wanted to. i shared with the squash bugs.
i have a meeting tonight and it is very much needed. it is hard living with an addict, even a clean one. it is especially hard living with one who has so much more time in the program then me. it makes me feel inadequate at times. like why am i so emotional and why is he so rational. will i ever have the rationality that he has? no, will or can i be ok with this, i hope so. it is like i compare myself or my recovery with others and when i do this i cheat myself out of the chance of being who i am supposed to be.
i need to learn to surrender and accept myself and to stand in my truth not anyone else's. i am starting step 7. i need to humbly ask him to remove my short comings. is all this inferiority just a matter of where i am in my step work? is this me doubting the program, waiting to start work on step 7. is it normal to have these feelings? funny i should ask about being normal since i have never had the capacity to be normal.
then i ask myself this question; do i really think being an emotional person is a shortcoming or a character defect? do i really want to lose all of my emotions. can someone be rational and emotional at the same time? what is it i am trying to become?? i don't want to lose heart. i want to always feel the raw emotions that i felt the first time i walked in the doors. it feels good to cry. it is good to feel vulnerable in meetings, this is how the healing starts for me.
i guess my sharing at meetings, in this town at least, is very controversial. i have been told that one shouldn't share what is going on with them at a meeting, that is what a sponsor is for. that if i can't share it with my sponsor then i need a new sponsor. well for me i do share with my sponsor, and i share in meetings as well. because so many times it is in meetings that i listen for my higher powers answers for me. and so many times that is what i hear, my HP. i don't like going to meetings where all it is is a bunch of lip service to the program, you hear things like "yeah i have no job, my wife left me my health sucks but it is a good day to be clean, keep coming back". sounds like a bad country song huh. i share the truth of what is going on with me because, 1. it helps me come home and be grateful and 2. i hope it shows newcomers that it is ok to be vulnerable in meetings. for me if i am not honest with my fellowship then that is me keeping secrets and secrets keep me sick. i don't want to be sick today. i am already an addict i don't need to add to any more of the chaos my head already creates.
some people get irritated with my enthusiasm for service and the fellowship. i was told i irritated people with it, i guess they don't want me to believe in the program because they don't. i chose my new home group in haysville, and i told them openly the reason i chose them and not the other group i wanted to join was because it was closer to my home. the group i wanted to join is 50 miles away one way. not very practical to drive 200 miles a week to catch 2 meetings. but the reason for this is because 4 members there share clean time with me. 3 of us the same year and month and one in april. we all have a serious passion for service and we are all working our steps. they are just as irritating as i am about service work and i wanted to be around like minded people. i had one person in town who was my clean time buddy, we drifted apart a long time ago and he recently relapsed. i share this because i don't really feel a connection with the members in my area, they aren't as irritating as i am about service. i kind of like that about me. i never knew i irritated people but now that someone said something to me about it, it makes sense why certain people would be sort of mean to me i guess. and i guess i am kind of proud to have more passion and that i believe more than others.
so to sum it up i am starting step seven, i don't want be an irrational person, but i also want to keep my emotions and passion for life. am i reaching for the stars? i hope so, am i asking too much from life? if not then i better ask for more, i have this one life and a second chance to live it and that is what i am going to do. will i get emotional over losing plants, hell yes. and i will rationally pay my bills and cherish my children and love them till it hurts. i hope you all had a wonderful weekend and a blessed monday. 5 things i am grateful for today;
1. today i am grateful i cherish my life and recovery.
2. today i am grateful i cherish my garden.
3. today i am grateful i am ok with failure.
4. today i am grateful i can learn from mistakes.
5. today i am grateful for my neighbors and the relationships we are forming.
here is one for old times sake; "Don't know Why"

todays thought;"Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so you shall become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil."- James Allen


g-man said...

Being emotional is NOT a defect.
It's being Human...
As long as you don't be-head someone in a fit of rage.. :P
You write so beautifully from the heart....G

Syd said...

Emotions are good to have. I have learned to inventory what is going on around my emotions. That helps me to not go too far down in feeling self-pity and some other negative emotions.
There is some good stuff on line about squash borers. It is frustrating but it happens every year to my garden. I have just learned to let it go, pull them out and replant.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Certainly you can be emotional and rational at the same time...I hope so, I have been doing it for a lonnnng time.
Good luck, Suz

Madison said...

The great thing about being sober is that you can be anything you want, emotional, irritating, rational, decisive, opinionated - and a lot of people will listen. Keep up the good work.

Monkey Man said...

Clean - Twelve step programs are not the end all be all. I have nearly 20 years clean and sober and still go to meetings, but to truly get my head together isn't going to come from attending meetings or talking with a sponsor. It took professional help to really get me on track and help me become the man I thought meetings were making me....that was after 17 years of meetings. It's okay to feel all the emotions. We drunks and addicts spent years burying them with substance, getting used to them won't happen overnight. I go to meetings to stay clean. I go to therapy to get my head straight.

ChaiLatte said...

I'm so sorry you lost your zucchini, but I'm not sorry that you're emotional! I feel that being emotional is a gift. Hugs to you.

A Stitch In Thyme said...

I've just found you. I'm so glad I did. I'm steppin in 20+ years and some days it still feels like day one.

Can one be emotional & rational? I was just old last week by another, "I could never be that raw" regarding a post. Well, I am and make NO excuses for it. When you come from a background like mine or many others, you tend to "spew" the truth. If they can't handle it, let them be the ones to leave or not listen. I'll be dead and gone soon enough, I'm going to say what's on my mind and feel "it", every second of "it" now. That is not to say i'm emotional all the time. Quite the opposite.

But even my own head doctor tells me this "you are perfectly normal in life filled with unbridled stress". Well there you go. I'm normal. Living with circumstances of stress that most I pray, never will.

So, be emotional. Be rational. Be clean. Be proud you did one step at a time as YOU, your authentic YOU!!

oh.. nice to meet ya!

Lou said...

How are you? I missed the 55 this week also, I got a new computer. It's time consuming to transfer files, set up, etc.

Let's both take a deep breath, and come next Friday with a really good one.

I think it would be awful not to have the whole gamut of emotions. The ups, downs, the all arounds. Just love on your girls today, and be grateful for far you have come!