Wednesday, February 23, 2011

sometimes life happens real fast

its been a while and a lot has happened. first "A" seems to be saying the right things and has tried to mend relationships with both her aunt and Wes. she is fully enrolled in college and will be graduating in May. Therapy has been a trial in patience.

the new health care coverage is a joke. blue cross claims they are a benefit by negotiating 20 cents off the rate of the therapist and that it is fully covered. yes it is fully covered it gets paid directly out of my savings plan that i paid into. after it is depleted i will pay all my medical completely out of pocket until i spend 6000. so i went to the therapists and asked to negotiate with them and pay them cash. i negotiated a 60/40 split as it was last year, they will not file and i will pay cash. this will save me a tremendous amount of money. since i have to pay it anyway why go through a middle man.

we will be filling out fasfa paperwork and trying to contact the national gaurd about "A's" status. We just dropped 600 on housing and tuition so she may get a dorm room.

the service assembly is in 9 days, it was all the buzz last weekend at regionals. not everyone wanted to hear about it they were very close minded and only wanted to focus on the negative. i was very angry at my sponsor for yelling at Wes. i am tired of people treating him badly. i am emotionally drained so much has happened and i don't know how to feel.

oh yeah did i mention "A" found her bio dad on facebook. yeah the same son of a bitch that signed off parental rights so he wouldn't be financially responsible for her. yeah the same prick who used a baseball bat on my back and now i can't sleep in bed at night, yeah the same basterd who loved to choke me until i passed out. the same jackass who sent a letter a couple of years ago begging for my forgiveness and how much he missed me, but never once mentioned her. so then she was angry with me because he wanted me and not her, when i was the one who took his baby away. yeah that guy.

then "A" sends me a note he sent her via facebook, lovely little sight that it is, and he said how he has never stopped loving her, he always loved her and he is so proud of the woman she has become...

puke, what the fu$% does he know about her? why should he be proud when he had nothing to do with her for the last 16 years?!?

so now she is all a glow with excitement because her daddy loves her. her daddy is back in her life. i felt like saying your daddy is the man who paid 54,000 dollars for heart surgery 3 years ago, your daddy is the man who took care of your grandma through stage four lung cancer, your daddy just enrolled you in college.

i am happy

no i'm not

my blood is boiling right now. boiling. and sometimes a problem is not a problem, but a fact, something that just is.

i missed therapy last week for "A" and i went on Monday. I have therapy on Thursday and I need to make sure I am not getting fleeced in charges. i am going to go to the gym and try to get some endorphines, sell some avon and not think about this.

i swear to god if she invites him to her graduation i am going to have a major breakdown. major. i just can't think on it right now it is not healthy it is just scary. and it is all i am thinking about right now.


Ann said...

Sounds like a serious need for the Serenity prayer and my prayers - which you have!!! Praying for you through this trying time - remember, he may be the cats meow right now but a duck (in the end) will always act like a duck!!!! You will need to ready to be there for her when he lets her down AGAIN... lots of XOXOXO

clean and crazy said...

thanks ann, and i aknow i need to be ready for things like 'your not my real father!' and other such nonsense.

this feeling is just icky and it sucks. and i am supposed to be happy for her and i am not

i need to watch what i say in front of her and my actions as well. this relationship she is trying to have is not about me it is about her. i know this.

Mama Zen said...

I can't even imagine how difficult this must be. Damn.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Suzie, you must remember that she does NOT know your past with 'him'...nor did she live it.
She wants the 'fantasy dad'...and WHO CAN BLAME HER?
Don't hold this against her....he has not hurt her directly yet. (although indirectly many times over)
My father was a jackass....and my Mom badmouthed him all the time. BUT she was the one who chose to marry him...have kids with him and the rest is history.
Heath coverage? Just will get much worse with our new 'plan'.
DEEP breaths....prayers for you friend.

Take care, Suz

qtieboi said...

Suzie I told you earlier that she will find out soon enough and yes you are right to feel the way you feel I know people think i am suppose to have some spiritual thing to say but I dont I am your brother I will be here for you when you need a shoulder on which to cry an ear in which you can vent I will be there to pick you up when you fall thats what family does we are there for eachother what did you teach her be there for your family family is everything well hun unfortunatly he is her family and we all have family that well for lack of better words that we are just related too you know.Maybe he is different now maybe he will be something good for her but I say Maybe not yeah he will be some great father figure yeah he is a masoginist and I wouldn't trust him alone with her but he is her father not her dad and she knows what a real dad is remember we all have difficult memories of captain stupid but maybe she wont have that experience and well even if she does invite dumby to her graduation do you honestly think he can afford to show I don't I love you sissy and i am here for you

Shadow said...

gosh, this must be so so hard on you, sending prayers for strength.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Given the similarity of our programs I'm sure lots of prayers have been submitted to the ole HP for the guy, though it doesn't sound like there's serenity or release of resentment for you het in that area.

I know as surely as I know my next breath that as I just keep practicing the principles we're taught and praying for those people the release does come. My own dissipating list of resentments and others shared experiences with the release in their lives are absolute knowledge in my soul now.

I've found that people will naturally move in and out of our lives based on our own willingness to practice these spiritual principles and be open to allowing that ebb and flow to happen in Gods time.

Even my own neices and stepchildren have had an on again off again relationship with their dad and mom (and step parents) as that alcoholic insanity and sickness have ebbed and flowed in thier family and I know that they are stronger and more loving as the result of their willingness to see God's work and practice spiritual principles dispite my unwillingness to do so at times.

I'm so in awe of their faith and ability to love and forgive, I need to be more like them.

I'm grateful for every moment I get with them.

I know I desperately wanted, my whole life, to know that my mother and father (biological) loved and cared about me. And (instinctively also) to let them know that I had a soul connection that loved and cared.

No matter who served in those roles as I defined them, I sought what I believed I needed and was graced with people who filled those needs for a time as I moved through life willingly and freely they gave of what they had. And people who were moved out of my life in time because I had no ability to stop and because they had no ability to be different at that point either.

I was always, however, always instinctively connected by blood and genes and some kind of soul strings to those who created me. I believe it's ingrained in me and the lessons of parenting and love are lessons I'm still learning as I search out the difference between what I define as parents, family and friends and what truly IS in my life. Assigning myself a "defined role" in someone elses life is my ego trying to take credit anyway. I find I'm given the love and respect that's due me only in my willingness to actually act in loving service like whatever it is I believe I am. If I don't, the relationship disintigrates naturally. (sometimes quickly sometimes slowly)

I'm grateful that I have the freedom to seek relationships without the opression that I once felt, believing that others had more power, that others were at fault and could break me. I realize it always took my participation for that to happen and that the things that happened as I was younger were because I didn't trust my parents or any other authority and honestly, didn't want authority over me. I had my own ideas all along. I learned the hard way where that gets me. Given my strong will and fears and secret keeping gained in my youth, God couldn't have taught me any other way. I learned early on the process of telling people what they need to hear to get what I wanted. And when I lost control of that because I put myself in situations I never should have been in, well... alcoholic history.

I'm also glad that my parents always afforded me the ability to find my own way, realize powerlessness and find God. I found that I couldn't handle what I'd managed to get into chaos and messes and in time I was finally willing to stop giving away responsibility and start taking responsible transparent and honest actions in my own life.

Keep up the meetings, therapy and prayer! I'm sure if you do freedom from that fear and anger will dissipate over time.

Good wishes and prayers are going up from here. :)

Syd said...

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. But it may not be worth getting yourself into a major frenzy over. There isn't much you can do about what A. thinks.