flash Fiction Friday- a moment

Every Friday, or when you find time, write a short story, 

poem or prose. 55 words no more no less, then report to the g-man!!

"The falling of leaves turned amber with age

A moment it seems of youth turned a page

The lining of purple turned deep in the sky

A moment so quickly as day passes by

As seasons pass by, nights turn to day

A moment seems brief for

A life that has so much to say"

Here ya go g-man this is dedicated to my daughter, who is four and seems to talk for ever and ever and ever and ever and, oh you get it, i will have to record her 'too cuteness' to show you how amazing she is and how many words she can get out in just one breathe!!

oh how i will miss this, these moments in time that are not going to be here for ever, i know because my oldest stopped talking a long time ago to me. and now she spends most of her time hiding in her room. sulking.

So to the bean, for always having such a cheerful disposition, may you always be happy and may you always know how much your smile means to me!!

One of my favorite quotes today; "Smile, it increases your face value!"- Dolly Parton in Steal Magnolias

sometimes life happens real fast

its been a while and a lot has happened. first "A" seems to be saying the right things and has tried to mend relationships with both her aunt and Wes. she is fully enrolled in college and will be graduating in May. Therapy has been a trial in patience.

the new health care coverage is a joke. blue cross claims they are a benefit by negotiating 20 cents off the rate of the therapist and that it is fully covered. yes it is fully covered it gets paid directly out of my savings plan that i paid into. after it is depleted i will pay all my medical completely out of pocket until i spend 6000. so i went to the therapists and asked to negotiate with them and pay them cash. i negotiated a 60/40 split as it was last year, they will not file and i will pay cash. this will save me a tremendous amount of money. since i have to pay it anyway why go through a middle man.

we will be filling out fasfa paperwork and trying to contact the national gaurd about "A's" status. We just dropped 600 on housing and tuition so she may get a dorm room.

the service assembly is in 9 days, it was all the buzz last weekend at regionals. not everyone wanted to hear about it they were very close minded and only wanted to focus on the negative. i was very angry at my sponsor for yelling at Wes. i am tired of people treating him badly. i am emotionally drained so much has happened and i don't know how to feel.

oh yeah did i mention "A" found her bio dad on facebook. yeah the same son of a bitch that signed off parental rights so he wouldn't be financially responsible for her. yeah the same prick who used a baseball bat on my back and now i can't sleep in bed at night, yeah the same basterd who loved to choke me until i passed out. the same jackass who sent a letter a couple of years ago begging for my forgiveness and how much he missed me, but never once mentioned her. so then she was angry with me because he wanted me and not her, when i was the one who took his baby away. yeah that guy.

then "A" sends me a note he sent her via facebook, lovely little sight that it is, and he said how he has never stopped loving her, he always loved her and he is so proud of the woman she has become...

puke, what the fu$% does he know about her? why should he be proud when he had nothing to do with her for the last 16 years?!?

so now she is all a glow with excitement because her daddy loves her. her daddy is back in her life. i felt like saying your daddy is the man who paid 54,000 dollars for heart surgery 3 years ago, your daddy is the man who took care of your grandma through stage four lung cancer, your daddy just enrolled you in college.

i am happy

no i'm not

my blood is boiling right now. boiling. and sometimes a problem is not a problem, but a fact, something that just is.

i missed therapy last week for "A" and i went on Monday. I have therapy on Thursday and I need to make sure I am not getting fleeced in charges. i am going to go to the gym and try to get some endorphines, sell some avon and not think about this.

i swear to god if she invites him to her graduation i am going to have a major breakdown. major. i just can't think on it right now it is not healthy it is just scary. and it is all i am thinking about right now.

update, i am still here

wow where do i begin, my "A" had therapy last week and it must have been rough because she ended up creating such chaos that following weekend i still can't comprehend it. to make a long story short, my niece is sleeping on my couch right now. 


my sister does not want my daughter in her home ever again and i have just had a week of extra responsibilities. i have not gone to the gym, posted a blog, touched my steps or been to a meeting. the only thing keeping my sanity is my homework from therapy.


i picked out wedding invitations, found a venue and started a guest list. we have been looking for a car for my niece and trying to figure out how we can get my sister and her to talk, trying to tell my daughter she needs to apologize to my sister and getting all the flack from my sister about how she and her daughter will never have a relationship, how everyone only hurts her and how she hates her daughter.


in the last two days the hotel reached its capacity, we have had 12 registrations come in and shirts from members in India who support this cause, have some in. I have not done a report for the newsletter, we are meeting this weekend, I need to get a friend to come to my house to check on it as two teenage girls will be here and my daughter will not be babysitting my girls for a while, her blowout was that bad.


my niece has been going to these primerica meetings and driving her is draining so i talked with her last night and told her i could not drive her to a place where she was not getting paid, though i commended her efforts to start a business i could take her to the army base but not run my gas tank down on a place that she is going to just be making phone calls. we need to find her a car and she is welcomed to stay here and she needs to talk with her mother.


her mother who lost it completely the other day when we were exchanging kids and almost got into a fist fight with her daughter. it was awful. now i am selling Avon, to get scholarships for my daughter who has yet to talk with us since my last posting about college. seriously at this point if she wants to martyr herself and lose a semester of college because she can't apologize for bad behavior shame on her. i am so angry with her actions right now i can't see straight.


the deadline for housing is still march first and she has said nothing. her dances are coming up and she still has no dress and she is making the decision to cut my sister out of her life. now this sucks. today i am going 'prospecting' with the Avon ladies. not sure what that means, then we are going skating tonight for my nephews birthday, my daughter and niece are not invited, tomorrow double therapy and then to Salina for the weekend.


i am so tired, i think i will start back to the gym next week. i wanted to go today, there is so much going on i am physically and emotionally drained. oh i got the most beautiful pictures of my children in and sent wes's mom flowers for valentines day, i got 2 dozen roses myself and snuck a card into my honeys lunch box. i am going to drink some fresh coffee now and maybe. hopefully catch up on my peeps. if another major catastrophe doesn't happen....


today's thought; "Yelling at living things does tend to kill the spirit in them. Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will break our hearts..." 
— Robert Fulghum

and for the record, i have not yelled at anyone all week. i have not said one word in anger or had one single emotional breakdown. pretty good for a recovering addict with borderline personality disorder!! i have been a very good and diplomatic mom this week

college blues

"A"~ 'Wes when do you have time to sit down to go over this stuff? I need your help to do this.'
"Wes"~ 'Help with what? What are you talking about?'
"A"~ 'OH MY GOD MOM THIS IS JUST WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS I JUST WANT TO LEAVE AND MOVE AWAY!!!'


"Mom"~ 'A we talked about this, tell him what you are talking about.'
"A"~ 'HE KNOWS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!!YOU TOLD HIM THIS WEEKEND!! THIS IS STUPID! I AM NOT STUPID!!'
"Mom"~ 'Are you done? Did you get it all out? Now you need to try again, no running to your room and hiding. We, all three of us, want this for you, quit being the road block. Knock it off. First you need to go over and say I'm sorry I got upset Wes, then you need to say we have a March first deadline for housing at the college and I need your help.'....




This evening was brought to you by the makers of borderline personality disorder and the Teenage Victims of America


needless to say, she never apologized for her little temper tantrum. we went online and looked at housing, my little princess thinks she can get a 'suite' room with a private bathroom. those are for scholarship students. then she was looking at apartments, which are for graduate students and those with families. I tried to tell her it was the dorms and she pitched another little fit.


"A"~'MOM I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THAT!! I NEED MY OWN BATHROOM. THIS IS STUPID I CAN'T LIVE WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE, HOW AM I GOING TO GET MY HOMEWORK DONE!!'
"Mom"~ 'A it is called communal living. where do you expect to stay, on the streets?'
"A"~ 'I DON'T KNOW MA, THAT'S WHY I ASKED YOU GUYS FOR HELP I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING!! I CAN'T EVEN FIND WHERE I NEED TO PAY ON THIS STUPID WEBSITE. THIS IS STUPID!!


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Billy Mays would be proud.


two of my favorite and most used prayers, they have gotten me out of sticky situations...


'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference...'


and


'Lord please put your arms around my shoulders, and your hands over my mouth...'


So by the end of the evening we managed to get the 'house rules' printed off, i suggested to my little girl to read over all the by-laws. she is slowly coming to realize that dorm living will be her best bet. she even had the nerve to say this wasn't about what i wanted this was her college experience. that was when i was trying to lighten the mood and tell her dorm living would be an adventure.


i need my breathing exercises now. i may do some jumping jacks and lunges as we are going to be snowed in today. luckily i already dropped 'A' off at school, maybe they will keep her for a bit. my poor Wes is at his wits end, he feels like a purse and punching bag, all she wants him around for is when she needs money. She just can't bring herself to have some humility, I guess that is a lot to ask of a teenager. So I will call the therapist, the recruiter, and then we will try again.


thank god she knows what college she wants to go to!!!


today's thought; 'If you're never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances.'- Julia Sorrel

B-L-I-N-G!!

 not too big, 3/4 carat princess cut

not too small, just like me

 cross prong trellis setting

we picked a solitare as he didn't like too many diamonds on the rings with accent diamonds. he wanted to give me something elegant and simple. i can't believe how beautiful this is!! i am so happy. i love the princess cut we have an appointment with the appraisers on wednseday. 

now i have the dress, and the ring. time to design my invitations!! have an awesome weekend everyone!!

flash Fiction Friday- beginnings and endings

  Every Friday write a short story, poem or prose

of 55 words, no more no less, then report it to the g-man!!!

"this week has claimed the lives of two who worked so hard to recover

and it has also blessed the lives of two who fell in love with each other.

today it feels like my life is starting and yet so much is ending

how do we begin taking it all in, beginnings and endings?"

Here ya go G-man, my story for this week is bittersweet, i am not sure how to feel. writing it all down seems to help but it still doesn't seem real. i learned today of the passing of two friends in recovery, both died clean. one died just today. and today my honey got on one knee and put a ring on my finger. i am ecstatic and devastated all in one shot. i want to be happy but part of me is not.

 i have a meeting tomorrow and i am so grateful to be getting my coin finally. and i am sad that my friends won't be there to see it. is that selfish of me, to be sad because they are not there? is it selfish of me to want to be happy for myself when so many are so sad because these two miracles are gone? 

my friend sara, i met her about 3 years ago. she was a sweet lady who was shy at first. then she came to life full of hope and wanted to be of service so much. and she was, and she touched so many women, they will miss her greatly. and my friend randy, he was on facebook with me a lot, he had a heart problem and went to the hospital two days ago, he passed away today, he was a big advocate to newcomers and was always there helping those who couldn't help themselves. 

i really liked that about randy, because i do not make myself available to newcomers as much as i should. i am afraid, when we are new to recovery, we are not very good people, i remember thinking 'life sucks' a lot when well basically my whole life, and when i first got here i was a mess. then i found out it wasn't life that sucked, it was me that sucked at life!!

what a change my life is today, i have a beautiful ring on my finger and a wonderful family to show for it and i am mostly happy everyday. i know i have my issues but today i do not suck at life and that makes me a miracle. randy and sara were miracles as well, tonight they are shining down on us trying to show us how to help others be the miracles that they cannot see in themselves. i will miss them both...

today's thought; "The healthiest response to life is joy."- Deepak Chopra