Friday, November 12, 2010

hello again

gosh it's been a while since i have been on here. my "A" was inducted into the national honor society. my sisters family still has chaos reigning in her life daily, my brother slept on my couch last night as he fought with his significant other and i ended up checking him in at the er. he thought they were going to keep him and sounded disappointed when they decided to let him go. he has heart and many other issues at 33 years old. so i thought he  should just camp out and let the dust settle before going home to more arguing. i don't care if he stays or goes with whoever he chooses, it is not my fight, my only concern was to give his heart a rest last night.

it is raining today. i am heading to the gym in a bit a little late to do so but still i need to. i have my Christmas list almost ready and the boys are going in on a new television for wes's mother. if she doesn't get completely shell shocked, nothing will get to her!! she is going to be so amazingly surprised. her current model is a box job about 19 inches and it has this big magnifying glass connected on the front of it so she can see it. she needs an upgrade and her boys are going to give her one!! so i will be off in the mad dash of black Friday this year and i haven't done so in about 9 years. the last time i did so was when Walmart had some TVs for 50 bucks it was right before all the flat screens started coming out. we stood in line for hours but it was all in good fun. and i am willing to do so again for a good cause!!

i went to Micheal's yesterday, we were going to school and no one told me that my girls class was closed due to the veterans day. so we went to Micheal's and got some Christmas ornaments instead. it was such fun to see their little eyes light up at all the wonderful Christmas displays. i want to start decorating now except my family tells me i must wait until after thanksgiving. such spoil sports i tell ya. i just love this time of year.

we are still on schedule to go ring sizing and shopping this Saturday!! we have decided to get married on our original anniversary, so it won't be this year but it will be on February 11. i told him that way we only have one date to remember. he agreed it was a good idea. i am going to contact my uncle in California, my fathers brother and see if he will come to walk me down the aisle. my sister thinks he will be honored. i can hardly believe i am talking wedding plans!! it will be at least a year out if not two. we need to have the funds and we need to plan correctly, and we need to lose a bit more weight!! i want to look pretty in whatever i am wearing...

i haven't posted a flash fiction in two weeks, i feel so out of touch i need to catch up on everyone. my therapist told me a while back to do the opposite of anger when i get angry. last night i got angry at both Wes and "A". so i made dinner and brought Wes to the table with his plate ready to go and i hugged my daughter and told her how pretty she looked and it worked. i wasn't angry. well at least for this time it worked i have no delusions of grandeur that this will happen each time as it took effort for me to actually try to be kind when i was feeling mad. however, it DID WORK. it was very tangible and i hope to hold onto it.

so i am off again to live more life today, hopefully more than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow. for today's thought; "Have the courage to live; anyone can die."- Robert Cody

Monday, November 8, 2010


i am angry today. i cannot shake this. my children deserve better. i am yelling. i am disappointed i am obsessing about situations i cannot change or control. i feel very alone and isolated.

we went to the birthday meeting at a group we attend regularly. i asked a member who i thought was a friend to give wes his coin. first when i talked to him he said why would i not give it to him. have you ever heard of a girlfriend giving a man his clean time coin? then he agreed to do so and when we got to the meeting he asked me to have someone else give him his coin.

then when i was talking with his wife later, another supposed friend, she said 'i have something to tell you don't judge.' then she told me her son was going to propose to his girlfriend. so now what i am judgemental?!? why what did i do to make them think i would judge.

then we had our children at this meeting and a member who is supposed to have 25 years clean got outrageously angry and started cussing like he was going to hit someone and the friend that i was talking to, the one who said don't judge, started screaming and cussing at him, she had my haley in her arms, so i grabbed my kids and ran out of the meeting. we left and i don't want to go to a place run by chaos and insanity. so i guess that makes me judgemental. fine, my children will not be in that place again.

the group business meeting is this weekend and i need to turn in my key, the hispanic group closed and that was where we were meeting on the weekdays. then area is the next day and i don't want to go to that. i just don't but i will. and that is what is bothering me. i am afraid and full of self will and i will go, but i will remain anxious and agitated throughout the week until it is over. this is my M.O.

our regional business meetings are the following week and i do not want to go for the first time ever. i am really dreading this. so i had to get it off my chest in a safe venue and i have no safer place then this blog.

thanks for listening

Sunday, November 7, 2010

update on life

i have been so busy i haven't had time to blog or read up on comments. i took my oldest to therapy last week and i think it helped alot. the arguing came to a head and she said she did not want to go to college and wes told her he was not going to allow her to throw away everything she has worked so hard for. they are set to go to the college for a campus visit and they spent several hours together yesterday practicing for the act. she is going to retake the test. i think their visit helped their relationship a bit. they need more time together to get to know each other.

today i am going to do a bit of christmas shopping. yesterday we were going to go size my ring and look but the practice exam was more pressing and those two really needed some good time together. i must admit i was very, very disappointed not to be able to go look at my ring. but my daughter must come first. so maybe we can go next week as the jewelers are closed today.

oh also we are going to go get our Harry Potter tickets today!! eeee i am sooo excited. i need something to be excited about after the dems threw away an election!! very disappointed about that. i was grateful though, that o'donnell did not win, she is a loon!! that is my opinion.

area is next week and i am very, very nervous about it and region is the following week and i have been procrastinating my service work to that. so i will get on that tomorrow. don't want to deal with it now.

i had a talk with "A's" army recruiter. apperantly the first seargant of jrotc talked with her about our conversation. i was as pleasant as i could be and i asked her a lot of questions. the first thing she said was 'i don't know what your daughter has been telling you but i just wanted to let you know i was not misleading your daughter in any way.' whatever. i set an appointment with her to come to visit on the 15th at 6:pm so we can sit and discuss this with her. wes will be here and i will allow him to grill her like a cheeseburger!!! even "A's" therapist told her not to trust a recruiter. so anyway i think we are on the right track now and she does really want to go to college. really and i am excited for her and she is moving forward and putting in effort on her own behalf now.

i really appreciate everything you all do for me. you may not know it but you are truly a wonderful support base. i will continue to blog and continue to check up on everyone when i have more time. right now i have laundry and a shower on my agenda.

today's thought; "Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth."- Benjamin Direali

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

just ranting

ok so now my daughter seems to be self sabotaging every thing she has worked so hard for!! she refuses to ask us for help and i am tired of being the go between with her and Wes. she needs to work with him if she is going to get any of this paperwork done. she has already let the deadline go by for scholarships. and her damn recruiter is a flipping liar!!! i don't even want to see this woman for fear i will rip her head off!! i had to make my own phone calls because everything i ask my daughter she says, i know mom or yes mom i did that. now i find out she has done none of the online things she needs to do. she has not signed up for anything. yesterday we were supposed to go down and take her asfab test for the army and meet with this damn recruiter who has been dodging us since school started. and we had an appointment at 4 o'clock. well my daughter calls me and says thursday will work better for sgt. galloway. excuse me!! for months i have been told that she can only take these stupid asfab tests on the first tuesday of the month, now this lady has the magical power of changing the world!?! wft. i put my foot down and told her we were not meeting her on thursday as "A" has therapy. the lady then tells my daughter that she can go take the test but the people there will not be able to answer my questions, that is total b.s. she just wants my daughter as her recruit she doesn't want anyone else to get her commission!!  so i talked with her commanding officer in jrotc and he has not heard of a program that pays $1000 per month plus schooling unless you are an employee and then you have to go to school at night. and none of these people has ever mentioned the army college fund!!

this morning she said she was going to fill out the application for newman university in case she did not get into KU!!! what!? of course she can get into KU she is a kansas resident. she may not get scholarships if she does not apply for them but she can get student loans!! KU is a better university and actually costs less per credit hour then this local privately owned religious college. it is a catholic college and while i really don't have a problem with that my problem is she is self sabotaging everything she worked for. so on my own i found out that she needs to sign up for rotc online, she has not done that, as soon as she does her first Sergeant can put a call in for her. then i found out that the school has set up an asfab on thursday morning before school starts, so i signed her up for that. now i am going to set up a trip to the university so she can get a tour of the campus. i have given her every piece of paper that has come to sign up for all the senior days and she has ignored every one of them!! she said i can't miss school mom, but she can miss to go to these out of town drill meets!! wtf. then she tells us she needs money to go on these out of town drill meets, like 200 bucks i asked her a few months ago what was she willing to do to raise money and she said she didn't have time. well i talked with another mom on the team and she told me all the kids are doing fundraising and earning money to go, her son had to earn money for the lunches that were not covered. so i don't feel bad telling her she needs to earn money to go to these events, if she really wants to go she needs to put in the effort and stop acting like such a victim!!

so i feel really powerless and i cried this morning out of fear that she is letting her dreams pass her by. i cannot coddle her and if i push her in the direction i think she should go she will just dig her heels in. wes says we need to approach it differently that is why he said to set up the time for the school tour and he will take off work and take her there. he hopes if she sees for herself what is in store for her and she talks to the actual professors that she will not be so afraid of moving forward. if she hears what she needs to from someone besides us it might sink in. because when we talk all she hears is 'Wah-WaH WAH" i don't know i hope he is right. i am really struggling with this.

then my sister calls me this morning and tells me she told her son to come over here to take a shower!! WTF!?! when was i going to be involved in this decision?!? i don't want that kid in my house period. i mentioned this in a previous post. pretty sure you got the picture. i finally told her i can't let him today and that was that. she was pissed but oh well. that boy is not my responsibility. she won't let him do anything on his own and i know how hard it is as i am dealing with that struggle myself. so then i called her and told her to have him call an oxford house and gave her the number and she said ok i will call them. wft

sorry about all the cussing i am very upset and blogger keeps jacking up and i will be typing and look up and it quit typing and stopped mid word. so then i have to go back and try to finish my sentence and i keep losing my train of thought. my bumper cars of thought i should say. i am going to the gym now, i am still out of creamer maybe i will stop and pick some up, it is scary to go to the store when i feel this way i can be very compulsive in shopping in this frame of mind. dangerous territory but i really want a cup of coffee with cream.

thanks for letting me share, tomorrow i will make a gratitude list. that will help.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

happy halloween!!!

 my little vampire is tooooo cute for words!! she hissed the whole time she posed for these pictures!!
 haley didn't sit still for too much make up but still looks ravishing as a purple witch!!
 i took some left over ribbon and tied a bow to her hat with the hot glue gun

 here she is with my nephews. they bought these costumes and louie, the werewolf came into our house and scared my bean!!

haley is just too cute in this picture she is growing so fast!!

 here with green teeth!! we actually had trick or treaters this year and we ran out of treats!!
haley is picking the werewolf's nose!!

 vampire is attacking daddy!!

my older nephew setting up to scare me!!

i got a ton more pictures but i need to get to the gym, i missed 4 days last week and i know i have been a terrible blogger as i have not posted or stopped by. i would like to thank carmen for the wonderful book of poetry she sent me and i tell ya it was a wonderful read. there is so much going on and i have to get to the gym and run some errands. i wanted to post these a couple of days ago but could not get blogger up.

ok i hope everyone had a wonderful holiday weekend we are getting ready for thanksgiving and christmas now!!! yeah i love this time of year.