Monday, November 8, 2010

emotional

i am angry today. i cannot shake this. my children deserve better. i am yelling. i am disappointed i am obsessing about situations i cannot change or control. i feel very alone and isolated.

we went to the birthday meeting at a group we attend regularly. i asked a member who i thought was a friend to give wes his coin. first when i talked to him he said why would i not give it to him. have you ever heard of a girlfriend giving a man his clean time coin? then he agreed to do so and when we got to the meeting he asked me to have someone else give him his coin.

then when i was talking with his wife later, another supposed friend, she said 'i have something to tell you don't judge.' then she told me her son was going to propose to his girlfriend. so now what i am judgemental?!? why what did i do to make them think i would judge.

then we had our children at this meeting and a member who is supposed to have 25 years clean got outrageously angry and started cussing like he was going to hit someone and the friend that i was talking to, the one who said don't judge, started screaming and cussing at him, she had my haley in her arms, so i grabbed my kids and ran out of the meeting. we left and i don't want to go to a place run by chaos and insanity. so i guess that makes me judgemental. fine, my children will not be in that place again.

the group business meeting is this weekend and i need to turn in my key, the hispanic group closed and that was where we were meeting on the weekdays. then area is the next day and i don't want to go to that. i just don't but i will. and that is what is bothering me. i am afraid and full of self will and i will go, but i will remain anxious and agitated throughout the week until it is over. this is my M.O.

our regional business meetings are the following week and i do not want to go for the first time ever. i am really dreading this. so i had to get it off my chest in a safe venue and i have no safer place then this blog.

thanks for listening

6 comments:

Kim A. said...

Two sections of your post caught my eye and I grinned (in acknowledgment) because I have been e.x.a.c.t.l.y. where you are. Here is what caught my eye.

"i am angry today. i cannot shake this. my children deserve better. i am yelling. i am disappointed i am obsessing about situations i cannot change or control. i feel very alone and isolated."

and...

"i don't want to go to a place run by chaos and insanity"

My mind, left to run rampant, is the place I will run to find chaos and insanity. I understand..all to well. I just thought I would share what I got. It is okay for me to feel...anything..and it is okay to put myself first and use your my tools. ::hugs::

♥namaste♥

Kim A. said...

P.S. Sometimes I forget that not everyone is in Al-anon or wants to hear it. Sorry if I overstepped! (pun not intended) :-D

clean and crazy said...

don't apologize i need to hear anything that will help me focus on my solutions

Peaceful Pandemonium said...

Great and honest post. I was there last week (here's a post...if you're interested href="http://peacefulpandemonium2.blogspot.com/2010/11/angry.html")

But, a friend told me "the worst thing an alcoholic can be is right." So, whatever its worth...that's what helped me :)

Syd said...

I stay away from toxic situations and toxic people as much as possible. Sometimes I simply have to realize that character defects in people are making things crazy. Self will has run riot. I don't need to be a casualty of the craziness.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

I frequently am affected by what you write. Profoundly affected.

Keep seeking Truth and asking for help, I love that you said "don't apologize ...I need to hear anything that will help me" that is profound and really really humble.