emotional

i am angry today. i cannot shake this. my children deserve better. i am yelling. i am disappointed i am obsessing about situations i cannot change or control. i feel very alone and isolated.

we went to the birthday meeting at a group we attend regularly. i asked a member who i thought was a friend to give wes his coin. first when i talked to him he said why would i not give it to him. have you ever heard of a girlfriend giving a man his clean time coin? then he agreed to do so and when we got to the meeting he asked me to have someone else give him his coin.

then when i was talking with his wife later, another supposed friend, she said 'i have something to tell you don't judge.' then she told me her son was going to propose to his girlfriend. so now what i am judgemental?!? why what did i do to make them think i would judge.

then we had our children at this meeting and a member who is supposed to have 25 years clean got outrageously angry and started cussing like he was going to hit someone and the friend that i was talking to, the one who said don't judge, started screaming and cussing at him, she had my haley in her arms, so i grabbed my kids and ran out of the meeting. we left and i don't want to go to a place run by chaos and insanity. so i guess that makes me judgemental. fine, my children will not be in that place again.

the group business meeting is this weekend and i need to turn in my key, the hispanic group closed and that was where we were meeting on the weekdays. then area is the next day and i don't want to go to that. i just don't but i will. and that is what is bothering me. i am afraid and full of self will and i will go, but i will remain anxious and agitated throughout the week until it is over. this is my M.O.

our regional business meetings are the following week and i do not want to go for the first time ever. i am really dreading this. so i had to get it off my chest in a safe venue and i have no safer place then this blog.

thanks for listening