letting go

Here is my beans first day. i don't know why i keep posting baby pictures. i read in the new book that parenthood is just a long lesson in letting go.

Look how tiny her little head is next to daddys finger. one of my favorite pictures

Here is miss Haley with her tight curly locks. i didn't have a digital camera when she was born, i couldn't afford the baby pictures with any of my girls i guess that is why i take so many today.

Our first Christmas together as a family, The bean was only ten days old and Mom was not diagnosed with cancer yet. There was a lot of hope and promise on that day. My how your plans can change with just one word.

She was so proud of us and we were going to all move into a large home together. Then mom got really sick, and we could not afford to move. At first her and Wes split the bills, when she got sick he told her to save her money for what she wanted. if she wanted a chocolate shake in the middle of the night, that is what she got.

We had the crib in the living room, this house has always been so small, we ended up using our playpen to hold the big oxygen machine and run the hoses from the top of the curtain rods so the kids wouldn't pull on them. There was so very little room and so many doctors appointments, WEs would have to take mom at 5 in the morning for dialysis 2 times a week my sister would pick her up once a week, i would then pick her up from dialysis 3 times a week. She couldn't walk afterwords so I would carry the babies in to get her and then load everyone out. When she had chemo we would first take her to chemo for a 3 hour treatment then I would pick her up and get her some lunch, we had to wait one hour, then I would take her to dialysis for the next 3 hours. This went on for 8 months. 3x's a week. Finally just before Halloween the cancer doctor said there was nothing else we could do and it was time to call in hospice. I cried, mom didn't know it but it was tears of relief.

Finally someone could come in and help me give her baths and take her to her doctor appointments. I remember being so emotionally exhausted I would just sleep. During this time my brother disappeared. My sister was terribly worried about him she called the radio stations and the police stations and we filed a missing persons report. He was gone for 3 months, Finally one day when mom was at chemo, her 6th appointment i think he showed up to the house. I was getting ready to go get mom and he just wanted to let us know he was alive, i asked him if he was going to see his mother and the phone rang. Mom had a seizure during chemo and they were taking her to the hospital. my brother rushed off to be there, like some kind of savior kid for being the first at the scene. i printed off her medication list, grabber her DNR, and got the girls loaded up in the van. I called Wes on the way there and dropped the girls off with someone, I don't remember who. We sat in the waiting room, the 'quite' room of the ER for a long time. the nurse came in and asked me about any directives, they were wanting to put a pacemaker in since they could not stabilize her heart. I handed them the DNR and told them she had terminal cancer, there was no need for the pacemaker. She left and we waited even longer....

My brother paced the floor like a lion in a cage. he kept saying 'this is not good, this is not good'.. after another 20 minutes the nurse came in followed by a nun and i asked 'Can i see my mom?'. They explained to me that her heart rate was very low and unstable. they thought maybe if i was in there i could calm her down and they warned me it was very chaotic in the room. we walked in and bells were ringing and my mom was very agitated and they couldn't calm her down, you wouldn't know her heart was at 30bpm. I watched a man inject a syringe that read 'adrenaline' into her upper arm and she was crying to me and said make them stop their hurting me. i said 'momma are you ok?" she said 'Make them stop it hurts baby.' i said "STOP, STOP, STOP!! EVERYONE STOP IT!!" the head nurse looked at me and i told her i was medical power of attorney and they needed to stop. my brother started to cry and he said don't do it suzie. i was putting her in hospice care and i didn't know exactly what that meant. Then i asked them how long and they wouldn't answer me. Mom had a fistula on her arm and it used to buzz like a hundred bees were right under her skin. When i walked over to her bedside I placed my hand on her arm and there was no more buzz. I had called my sponsor and told mer my mom was dying and I called Wes. Then i just held my mothers arm and brushed her hair with my other hand.

It was quiet. I asked the nurse how long and she didn't know. I thought my mother was going to die right there. Then i felt her arm start to buzz, the bees were back. I said she's back and the nurse looked at the machines and said oh those don't work. I said "No her buzz is back come feel her arm" i swear i hate being talked down to and then my mom looked up at me. The nurse asked if we still wanted to do dialysis so I asked my mom and she said yeah I need dialysis I just had chemo! So we called off the hospice and everything was normal again. Wes and my friend walked in and i said I swear to god 2 seconds ago she was almost dead! It was like I cried wolf.

Life is crazy, a lot. but it is worth it. i don't know what made me think of my mom like that, these old pictures, the fact that my girls won't remember her face, or how much she loved them, and how we had to let her go.

We looked at a house in Winfield last week, it was a complete deal breaker, split level and small. We are looking at another one this week. I got my daycare license approved. Life goes on and i let go a little at a time.