ever think of jumping ship

the captain goes down with the ship. it is an honorable thing to do. but what if your not the captain, and what if it is your recovery? i belong to this home group, it is small and needs support. i am a HUGE fan of the underdog. so when the group i tried to start with a few members closed it's doors i came to this group and made it my home group.

now i made it clear the only reason i chose this group was because it was closer then the one i wanted to be my home group, 50 miles closer. and it is not practical to spend a gallon of gas for two meetings a week and if it is not practical it is not spiritual so i came to this group. now i have heard it said that if you do not have the best home group in the world, then make it the best. but how can you create change when no one else wants it. i have tried for 6 months to get the group to try new things only to be met by a rather large personality that shoots down every single idea period.

we need new members the primary purpose of a group is to carry the message to the still suffering addict. even home group members are addicts who need a message. however it is not a meeting when the same 2 people show up for a meeting, we just have a conversation, and while i love the conversations we have it doesn it make a meeting for me. the group has 2 meetings a week Monday and Tuesday. we have our business meeting on the first Monday of the month. i checked the agenda for the last 6 months and there were 16 items of new business on the agenda and every single one were made by me. and every single one has been shot down. there are only 5 members in this group. we discussed having a flier drive it didn't happen i have been pushing for the group to have an event a function something, but they are completely against raising funds. seriously i suggested a new design for a shirt to sell to raise funds and they said no. the group does not want to have an event where they ask people for auction and raffle items and they do not want events with raffle and auction items. i asked about the group selling birthday cards to raise funds for literature and they said the cards were mine and they wouldn't do it. i am telling you they will not raise funds and this is something i am not used to.

then they decided to put a literature rack in the local probation office they made contact and had permission all they needed to do was drop it off. six months later i show up and decide to drop it off, however when i get to the local police station i am informed that our contact person has retired and they no longer have a probation office. seriously this is a small town. so i decide to do some recon for the group since i had some time and i found the city of commerce building which is also home to the school district. they love the idea of NA they want the literature, yay, so i drop off literature and bonus they have a facility for rent and a very reasonable price and would love our business to host dances there!! woo-hoo right? wrong i am told if we put information pamphlets there then that would create a need for a youth meeting. excuse me, do you want a group or not I mean FUCK!!! it doesn't matter the age of the friggin addict for Christ's sake!! that is just an excuse not to put out literature you sicko!! what are we doing here really

and that is where i am at with it. we had birthday night on the last Tuesday of the month. when the two senior members celebrated their 14 years and they were the only ones celebrating we had a roast, and we roasted the members and it was fun we went around the room and shared about the two celebrating. for my clean date, i showed up and the 2 senior members read through the readings so fast i couldn't understand where they were, they didn't want to be there it was a bother to be there and they called out birthdays and i got my coin and hug and shared for about 10 minutes and they closed the meeting. i swear it was the worst birthday meeting i was ever at in my entire life. it felt like i was a bother and no one cared. then on Monday we had the business meeting and like a space cadet i thought it was on Tuesday and didn't go. i am group secretary and no one called me to find out where i was!! it was probably a relief that i wasn't there so they did nothing, they are so damn apathetic to recovery it is astounding.

mean while i feel like i haven't been to a meeting a real meeting in months. and it is showing in my behaviors. i am shouting and edgy and in panicky mode all the time and here is the thing there are other meetings in town, but they are very sick, seriously sick, and i am very, very apprehensive about going to those meetings. it is not worth it to go to a meeting to come home and find a hate mail threatening me not to go to that meeting hall. that has happened before. and with the recent drama of wanna be 10 years clean and her abrasiveness i do not feel my anonymity would be safe in those meeting halls, that is seriously how sick it is. and yes i am breaking anonymity just thinking that way before i get there but i also have to protect myself. but i really need a meeting and my time is very precious so when i go it has to count and it hasn't and i am powerless over everything and i don't know what to do.

seriously 50 miles doesn't sound so impractical after all. i get to go there this Friday to celebrate with my clean time buddies and for that i am so very, very grateful. no one else seems to care here in town. and my regional business meetings are this month so that will be very therapeutic. and the womens sleepover is at the end of the month so that will really help.

but what do i do, i need to go to meetings that count and right now i go to meetings where the members act like they are put off if they have to stay the whole time and like it is a chore to go and i don't want that, but i made this my home group so how long do i wait and at what cost to my recovery? i mean they had a group conscious and we had motions to vote on and things to talk about but they didn't do any business except to agree to pay the rent and ASC.

there is one group in town and i won't go there because this group had meeting leaders steal the 7th tradition envelopes and it came out to the tune of over $1,000.00 and this group just said the members will have to live with what they have done. EXCUSE ME!!! no they can sign a promissory note to pay a dollar a week even to pay back the money they stole!!! no no that would be too much in these economic times. so now the group had to ask the area to buy books and literature as they did not have the funds.
another group, their old GSR broke my anonymity at a business meeting, they choose to violate traditions and have extremely strong personalities who choose to stay focused on rumor and gossip instead of step work and it is a very dominating presence and i don't want that either.

i don't know what to do, except more service work. stay focused on the solution and this issue will work itself out. i am going to tell my home group my dilemma at the next group conscience only it will be another month before we have one so until then i need to figure something out. todays thought; "Many of the greatest achievements of the world were accomplished by tired and discouraged men who kept on working."- Author Unknown