i have been so filled with emotion lately, i am angry and sad. i am struggling with this step and i don't want to do it. my sponsor finally answered her phone and at this point i feel so indifferent. my oldest has not been home all week and when she does have a moment to talk to me it is hateful and hurtful.
last night we had therapy and i didn't like how it went i had felt like a child and i just didn't like it. then Wes said he was going to be gone studying tonight, even though it is spring break he will be gone until after the kids go to bed. so it will be just me and the girls, again. and that is what i said because i was going to cry and he said it was the most nonsupporting thing i could say to him. that did not go over well at all. i ended up sleeping in the living room and not speaking to him and i don't intend to speak to him for at least the rest of the day. i am angry and hurt and everything i say is wrong so best to just keep my mouth shut.
during the argument i told him he had a double standard and i couldn't believe i was with someone like that. when i asked to go to the convention and he could meet me there he didn't like it so i said it was un-supportive and he said why couldn't i see it as him wanting to be with me? well when i said i was going to be alone again why couldn't he see it as me wanting to be with him.
now i am angry and yelling at my children. they deserve better then me for a mother. you know it is like every time he says something negative it reinforces all the negative thoughts in my head. what ever i have done good up until that point goes out the window.
i have been a really bad blogger and i need to play with my children and have a whatever day. a day that if the laundry doesn't get done then what ever. if i want to take them to McDonald's then what ever i want to enjoy my day with my kids and i am going to start over and ignore the phone and my responsibilities to my home and just be with them.
on Monday my 'A' came back from Texas, she learned of a terrible accident on the turnpike. it happened at 4:40 in the morning a family was heading to Texas for Spring break and an SUV got on the wrong entrance to the turnpike and headed north in the southbound lane, he was going the wrong way. he slammed into the mini van and there was a semi truck following the mini van, it did not have time to stop.
the turnpike was closed for 14 hours cleaning up the burning wreckage and debris. four people died. my daughters friend was in the van, her, her mother and her nine year old brother all died in the crash, my daughters friend was a twin and her 17 year old twin sister is in critical condition at the hospital right now, she is paralyzed from the waist down and just lost her family. lots of tears have been shed since the accident and i don't think she will go to the funeral. my therapist told me to find out when it is and just take her, this is the fourth friend she has lost in 2 years.
life is terribly short and i feel my mortality everyday, the worst part is i feel my children's mortality. the other night i asked Wes if he thought he would see his father, who passed away many years ago, if he thought he would see him after he died, and Wes said no, he didn't believe in that sort of thing.
how can you have faith in a higher power and not believe? maybe my grief is getting to me, maybe i am full of fear. i don't know, i just know i am sad and angry. i don't like feeling this way and want to make it go away, i want to go shopping without money? will it make me feel better?
Suze Orman said that if you don't feel good on the inside it will show in your finances. maybe i will call my sponsor or go visit a friend. i need to not be alone and i need to not be so sad. i am grateful my family was not on the turnpike Monday morning. i don't have a clever thought or anything today i am too emotionally drained.
please take care of yourselves, and forgive me for not stopping by, maybe tonight since i will be alone i will use the time to check up on everyone.