Wednesday, March 17, 2010

just a sad day

i have been so filled with emotion lately, i am angry and sad. i am struggling with this step and i don't want to do it. my sponsor finally answered her phone and at this point i feel so indifferent. my oldest has not been home all week and when she does have a moment to talk to me it is hateful and hurtful.
last night we had therapy and i didn't like how it went i had felt like a child and i just didn't like it. then Wes said he was going to be gone studying tonight, even though it is spring break he will be gone until after the kids go to bed. so it will be just me and the girls, again. and that is what i said because i was going to cry and he said it was the most nonsupporting thing i could say to him. that did not go over well at all. i ended up sleeping in the living room and not speaking to him and i don't intend to speak to him for at least the rest of the day. i am angry and hurt and everything i say is wrong so best to just keep my mouth shut.
during the argument i told him he had a double standard and i couldn't believe i was with someone like that. when i asked to go to the convention and he could meet me there he didn't like it so i said it was un-supportive and he said why couldn't i see it as him wanting to be with me? well when i said i was going to be alone again why couldn't he see it as me wanting to be with him.
now i am angry and yelling at my children. they deserve better then me for a mother. you know it is like every time he says something negative it reinforces all the negative thoughts in my head. what ever i have done good up until that point goes out the window.
i have been a really bad blogger and i need to play with my children and have a whatever day. a day that if the laundry doesn't get done then what ever. if i want to take them to McDonald's then what ever i want to enjoy my day with my kids and i am going to start over and ignore the phone and my responsibilities to my home and just be with them.

on Monday my 'A' came back from Texas, she learned of a terrible accident on the turnpike. it happened at 4:40 in the morning a family was heading to Texas for Spring break and an SUV got on the wrong entrance to the turnpike and headed north in the southbound lane, he was going the wrong way. he slammed into the mini van and there was a semi truck following the mini van, it did not have time to stop.
the turnpike was closed for 14 hours cleaning up the burning wreckage and debris. four people died. my daughters friend was in the van, her, her mother and her nine year old brother all died in the crash, my daughters friend was a twin and her 17 year old twin sister is in critical condition at the hospital right now, she is paralyzed from the waist down and just lost her family. lots of tears have been shed since the accident and i don't think she will go to the funeral. my therapist told me to find out when it is and just take her, this is the fourth friend she has lost in 2 years.

life is terribly short and i feel my mortality everyday, the worst part is i feel my children's mortality. the other night i asked Wes if he thought he would see his father, who passed away many years ago, if he thought he would see him after he died, and Wes said no, he didn't believe in that sort of thing.
how can you have faith in a higher power and not believe? maybe my grief is getting to me, maybe i am full of fear. i don't know, i just know i am sad and angry. i don't like feeling this way and want to make it go away, i want to go shopping without money? will it make me feel better?

Suze Orman said that if you don't feel good on the inside it will show in your finances. maybe i will call my sponsor or go visit a friend. i need to not be alone and i need to not be so sad. i am grateful my family was not on the turnpike Monday morning. i don't have a clever thought or anything today i am too emotionally drained.
please take care of yourselves, and forgive me for not stopping by, maybe tonight since i will be alone i will use the time to check up on everyone.

22 comments:

Chef Kar said...

Feel my arms around you, giving you a hug. I know the empty feelings you speak of. The hopelessness, the sadness, the anger. Not that I can tell you anything you don't know, but most definitely call your sponsor ~ call another member ~ get out of yourself and help another addict. Make a gratitude list ~ you, of anyone I read, is best at that. Time to do it now.

Serenity Prayer. A lot. Let Go - Let G-d. Remember the slogans ~ we have them to call on for a reason.

Most of all ~ "pick up the fucking phone". I just had to say that because last week ~ one of my group members took me by both shoulders, came within an inch of my nose and said this to me LOUDLY when I was in the dumps and isolated to the point of exhaustion ~ it helped. And I needed the reminder that I am not in this alone.

Love yourself today and be gentle.

Hugs, ~Karis

Andrea said...

Continuing to pray with you, andrea

chitowngreg said...

Take care and CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK! You're the best mother those kids have, dammit. Just do the best you can, whether it's with your kids or your program. No one (not even you) can expect more. Get your sponsor on the phone, pick up a meditation book, or go to a meeting. Just try to get out of your head and put one foot in front of the other. And remember, you are cared for!

Syd said...

I'm sorry that you are having a tough time right now. I tell myself that these feelings will pass. Most of the time I need to do a mini-step four and look at my part. It gets me out of blaming someone else, helps quell the resentments and helps with gratitude. I will try to imagine life without those I love and that makes me mindful that in spite of difficulties I may have, those I love are in my life, are living and I am also. That fills me with gratitude.

Kim A. said...

Have you ever been screened for depression? The only reason I ask is that your whole blog could have been mine 10 years ago. Insert different names and you told my story of how my brain thinks. Just my .02. Hugs

♥namaste♥

Gabriella Moonlight said...

I like what has been shared in the comments all having such great value. I believe that what Syd said works wonders the mini-step 4 always helps to relieve me of the bondage of self.

I am not sure why your sponsor doesn't quite answer the phone but that is a helpful thing to do...please don't isolate and know that yes this too shall pass...


My sponsor reminds me that feelings are not facts...thank goodness.

Sending you big warm hugs of love

G

Her Big Sad said...

I think you have some good ideas already, plus more mentioned above! I hope that today you can be extra kind to yourself.... maybe use that awareness of mortality to treasure a portion of the day with the kids and as you say, let the laundry just sit! This will pass.... You're an awesome mom - I've been reading for a while, and that's just my 2cents, but I hope you'll hear it - you are an awesome mom and an amazing woman.

I will never understand how the marriage relationship can go from AMAZING to "is there anything I can do to hurry along the 'til death do us part' part?" and back to AMAZING.

This. Will. Pass. ((Hug!))

Prayer Girl said...

Thank God for our program. Getting to a meeting, calling a sponsor or other program friend, sharing, looking at our part.....what wonderful tools.

It NEVER, absolutely NEVER helps me to know what the other person's part is. I wish it did, but that isn't how it works.

Thankfully our program shows us what to do with our part.

And of course, don't forget prayer. I will keep you in my prayers.

PG

Chic Mama said...

I'm really sorry you are feeling this way and I'm so sorry for what your family are going through at the moment. Take care of yourself, stop beating yourself up- you are doing a good job whatever you think. xxx

kristi said...

Hugs to you. I have days like this and I know my kids love me regardless. They are seeing you be human, nobody is 100% happy all the time and if they say they are, they are lying.

Ms Hen said...

You are a wonderful mother and wife... (hugs).. we all get our moods. And older children sometimes do their own thing; and get negative; because it is a time they are trying to be their own person.. and mom comes last at those times. It happens.

Make some special time for just YOU. Is there any nature walk you can go on in your area.. ??? (sometimes better than shopping... just listen to the birds and such... and just realize that you are exactly where you should be in your journey of life..and you are Perfect as you Right now. :) )

Being married or in a relationship is the hardest thing in the world......but worth it. Find some alone with wes too.

Steve E said...

I read the comments here, and SO many Peeps love you SO much. You ARE not alone.

Life is hanging always by the smallest of threads, no way to change that.

All I can change is ME. not you, nobody else. And even ME to change needs God's hand in the happening. All I have to do is be totally "ready".....

PEACE!

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Please don't beat yourself up! You have so much support on this blog, it makes my heart warm to see all the wisdom and concern in the comments above. You are an awesome mom and you have withstood so very much. You are strong and this will pass, all of it. Stay connected, it is so easy for us to isolate, which as you know makes EVERYTHING seem that much worse. Much love and light going your way...Renee

Jingle said...

get well soon,
prayers and blessings!
Happy Friday!
Take good care.

Jingle said...

http://jingleyanqiu.wordpress.com/2010/03/19/55-how-do-you-relax-during-weekends/
I write another 55,
please let me know if you have yours ready...
cheers,
you rock!

Midnitefyrfly said...

((((HUGS)))) Life can throw us curves that make it difficult to understand. Are you really comfortable with your therapist. I know a therapist is supposed to push you and help you deal with issues, but they are also supposed to equip you and give you tools that leave you feeling stronger and more capable.

I see you doing a lot of self evaluating in what you post here, and maybe bearing too much of the emotional burdens that everyday life has in store for you.

I agree that it appears as though your in a dperession and I think that since you are in therapy AND working a program, that maybe you need to take inventory of your support and make sure it is the best match for you and your needs. Onwards and upwards hunny. Take one moment a time and take time to care for you.

more (((HUGS)))

G-Man said...

Suzie..((((HUGS))))

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

I just wanted to stop by and say thank you so much for being a brick on this path! You are an awesome part of the inspiration and Spirit here!

Ms Hen said...

hugs.

Steve E said...

Oh! So much sadness I'm reading on these blogs this day--and the mother of my children (N), wife for 25 years (not my present wife!) died today March 23...lots of horrible suffer, body cancer-riddled. I just got the news now, sorry to write it here!

By March 23 (today)--all the stuff you have written here may be past and not as seemingly hopeless happenings.

PEACE!

Julianne said...

I'm sorry I didn't read this until today. I SO get it. There are days I feel totally insane. And other days, filled with gratitude. Thank you for being so honest. It helps to know I am not alone.

Bridgette said...

You’re not alone. Everyone has issues, whether it’s mental illness, addiction, or anything of the sort. I’ve found that Silver Hill, a substance abuse and psychiatric hospital, has some really good information and resources. Talking/blogging about these things can be extremely helpful not just for yourself, but for others in need. Keep up the good work