Wednesday, August 18, 2010

wednesday

i am still hungry. i just ate a wonderful breakfast and now i need to clean up but i am still hungry. we are going to the gym and the library so this is going to be quick. we now have a bean bag living room. but i got our money back. in cash, thank you very much to the better business bureau. i don't know how to spell bureau and i am not sure if spell check does either.

haley has been on a rampage lately. standing in the corner sometimes for 2 hours screaming 'i hate you' and 'shut up'. we sat down after dinner with her last night and discussed it. she did not want to talk. we showed her the video of her screaming and she did not like it. i felt the need to document and discuss this with my therapist. i am not sure about all this and i need help, her fits are getting more angry and lasting longer. it was like the clock rewound to when i was her age, i used to do the same thing. no one told me not to say hateful things. no one told me i could calm down. no one helped me with my anger. so i am trying to approach her with an open mind and address the issue.

there was an article in the news the other day about a flight attendant taking a child away from their mother. the toddler was pitching a fit and the mother smacked the child in the face. then child protective services were called and the parents were detained and questioned and given their child back. i empathize with the mothers plight, and i think i believe that it takes a village to raise a child. i know how hard it is not to own my daughters fit. not to be embarrassed in public when everyone is watching. i call my sponsor or wes when she is carrying on because i am angry and about to lose it. but what is the answer? were the flight attendants wrong in taking the child? absolutely not. should they have helped sooner? absolutely. were the passengers annoyed at the child and angry with the mother for not controlling the toddler? you know they were. did any of them help. nope. were they appalled at the mother for smacking her kid? oh, absolutely, some of them couldn't wait to talk to reporters.

i am learning to let my toddler pitch her outrageous fit and walk around and just keep her in the corner. we are also trying to discuss it with her. it helped having the video as a visual aid. we would pause after she screamed something ugly and ask her to repeat what she said. she didn't want to. that is good because it means she is learning right from wrong and she knows what she said was not good. i hope i am on the right path with this. if this does not work i will try something different. i am not claiming to be perfect. the other day i popped her in the face for something wicked she said in a fit, i did not do it in anger i did not use a lot of force i was simply trying to get her attention, get her back in reality and out of screaming. was it the right thing to do? i don't know. teachers and nuns used to be allowed to paddle children in schools. i don't think that was right. as a parent we need some authority over our children. not all children behave in such a way, my other two daughters do not pitch fits in fact we count and they don't even get to 2. they stop they do not like the bad consequences. my haley is very willful and strong. she is passionate and stubborn. these are all strong qualities, she also gets very, very angry. i don't know if it is hereditary, but no one ever, i mean EVER worked with me on my anger.

i am working hard with haley on hers. hopefully she will learn to channel this in other ways, at this time i am not sure how to guide her. but the great part is that on my part, i am learning to allow it to be her fit, in the home or in public, and we are learning to discuss this with her as well. i think the really hard part for any parent is not owning the fit. kind of like being embarrassed when you know your kid is an addict, it is not your fault. letting my children be their own people is a good thing.

on another note my "A" is a senior this year and is graduating in May and set to start KU in the fall. Pre-Med. We are practicing her ACT's and very excited. she will be living several hours away and since she is a minor she will have a resident shadow person to help her until she is legal age. i am so excited for her. she wants to be a forensic pathologist and work for the FBI. she plans to join the military after college, then she can become a commissioned officer. this will look great on her record for her future career. i have discussed this with most of my friends and there is one who doesn't feel it is good for her to leave home so soon. i remember a story my counselor in treatment talked about during a family night. she said do you know about birds? they work really hard to make these nests strong and sturdy to block the wind. they care very much for each other and have eggs. they never leave their eggs. they keep them warm and safe from the bitter winter winds. that is their job, by instinct. then the eggs hatch. after the eggs hatch, they feed the babies, even chew up the food in their mouths before giving it to their babies. they love their babies very much. and from the day the babies hatch it is the momma birds number one instinct to nudge the babies. they nudge them a little every day. closer and closer to the edge of the nest. then one day the nudge them all they way out. and the baby will either fly or it will fall. but the momma bird does it's job. i think i am doing mine. much better today then 5 and a half years ago.

todays thought: "Words that do not match deed's are not important."- Ernesto Ch'e Guevara

4 comments:

Shadow said...

these are tough times, but you are tackling this in the right way, i think. and your little one's will be the one's taking the rewards with them into their lives. hang in there!

onepillaway said...

I've been reading your blog and wanted to say Congrats on your recovery! I am also a former addict. It's been a rough long road, as you know I'm certain.

Love that you are helping your toddler with her anger issues. I have an 18 month old and he has shown me his stubborn side more times than I can count. Some moments I want to just scream too.

I look forward to reading more of your blog soon. :)

Adamity_Bomb_Bomb said...

Well-done on the Sobriety Thang.

In other news: Coddle your daughter. Smother her with Warmth. You never know--she could get hit by a bus tomorrow.

Peace atcha.

Syd said...

I have no idea how to handle a child who pitches a fit. I know that I never did that. Maybe a discussion with a child psychologist is a good thing. Hard to know what to do but the videotaping sounds like a good start.