random thoughts

i got these sent to me and i think they are awesome, happy tuesday everyone!!

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this-- ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 3-year old daughter asked me in the car the other day "Mom what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with alcohol than Kay.


i have had such a busy weekend. we had a good time on wes's birthday. we went and picked his mother up yesterday and have had a wonderful visit so far. i have a meeting i am going to tonight. no matter what. i am going to make some goodies today and work on my newsletter and try to get it to the printers as well. busy holiday week ahead, not much time to blog, just an update, i am still going crazy in my head. luckily i am surrounded by a very loving family.


one crazy note, my sister spent about 60 bucks on wes for his birthday and now is hinting that she has nothing for thanksgiving. she hinted to wes not me. i am not sure how to approach this. i think the best thing to do is directly tell her if she wants to bring a ham for thanksgiving that would be awesome, because i have been feeding her family on a nightly basis as she comes over to work on her homework and doesn't cook when she does. i don't think i am asking too much for her to contribute to the dinner. i think i will call her and leave this message for her as i know she was planning for her daughter to come out and she was going to have a big shin dig at her place, those plans fell through after the Fort Hood massacre, they are not letting any soldiers come home for thanksgiving, so my niece is stuck in South Carolina, and they are shipping her out soon.


My computer is having real software of operating system issues. i tried to paste these thoughts in a different font and colors, for fun and when i preview my post it looks real weird. so i will publish it and see what happens. Everyone please have a safe and wonderful holiday, remember there is so much we have to be grateful for today.


today i am grateful for my loving family, my cozy home, my inner strength and humility to wait until i can work an issue out. there is food in my fridge and freezer, i am almost completely out of debt, my bills are paid and i am in fantastic health, i have lost 9 pounds!!! and i am financially secure today. i know a lot of people will be waiting in lines for free food this holiday, that won't be me. i know some people view this as a way of life and others have no choice. i am grateful i have priorities today and know how to spend money. we may not have much left over, but we all have clothes on our backs, clean water to drink, hot water for a shower, a working washer and dryer. today i have some of the most simplest yet amazing luxuries to be grateful for. i am grateful i can appreciate right where i am today, tomorrow may be different, but i know what to do if i need help. for this i am grateful.


what are you grateful for today?


and i will leave you with this thought, hopefully i will make it by to read up on some of my peeps, thanks for stopping by; "If I change the way I look at things, the things I see change."- anonymous

Flash Fiction Friday- struggling hope

Every Friday write a story of 55 words
no more, no less and report it to the G-Man!!




"how do i stop this tension in my head,
when the demons are playing
with all that went unsaid?
I've struggled and screamed,
i cried on the floor
letting go is the answer
i can't fight anymore.
this dream of "us" i
will pray to hold
because the love i feel
will never grow old"

I have been struggling this week and this is where i am at, here you go G-man. Wes's birthday is this weekend, his friend has decided to do a surprise party tomorrow, so there won't be any conflict, but we are still going to stay home on Sunday. i just feel like i was used by my friend as her scapegoat, her excuse to leave the group. and i don't like the way that makes me feel. Wes is off for 10 days, he will be putting in a lot of studying and I will be cooking and visiting with his mother. i am looking forward to it, she is a nice lady with no one to visit. she lives alone and i am a good housekeeper and i think i am good company. plus i really miss my mom and this will be nice to have a mom again, even if i am borrowing his. there really is so much to be grateful for. when i get out of the way life is pretty good, i just need to remember it is not 'life on Suzie's terms' it is 'life on life's terms.' if i want change i need to make it.

i will i know i can and everything i am learning now will only benefit me later. i am truly grateful for all your thoughts and comments, thank you for taking the time to not only read, but to leave comments.

i will be reading up on Mr. know-it all's spot in the morning to catch up on all of Fridays players, and to check out my own dash board. Wes will be in school till 11 am then we are off to lunch at his friends, he doesn't know it. i made a collage of his rafting pictures and had it blown up to a 20x30 and framed and mounted, his friend picked it up for me, his friend is sitting in the front of the raft with him, and he just though it was awesome. so i think my honey will like it. i wanted him to have it hanging in the room so when he wakes up in the morning he sees he has some good things to be grateful for. i think he is grateful, i just think i read way too much into what he says. i am so used to people who manipulate are say one thing and mean another, that i just take for granted he is not that way.

it takes me a few days to get humble and to be grateful for my life. it sickens me how i behave when i am lost in an alternate reality. i twist the truth and i become really angry and spiteful.
i don't like this about me. i still feel like i am not being heard, and it makes me resentful. i really don't know what he thinks, and i don't like that either.

i know he loves me, i know when i come at him with all my thunderous emotions, he tries to calm me down and tells me 'we are on the same team, i am not your enemy.' when i am angry i feel like he is my enemy. i REALLY need a meeting. here is my thought today; "hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and do the right thing, the dawn will come. you wait and watch and work: you don't give up."-Ann Lamott

surrender to the next level

no sooner did i hit 'publish post' yesterday, then my bean came to me and said 'mommy i need to go potty'. i swear i almost cried. she asked 4 or 5 times yesterday.

now for my real post. we had therapy last night. i am very angry over it today. i am acting out in anger over little things now and i know why i am angry, but do not know how to surrender this. it's such a long story but i have to try to get it out so i can function today without being angry.

we discussed finances last night and the fact that i feel very subservient to Wes. we had an argument the other day about going to a meeting. i was invited to go to the women's meeting but it would mean "A" would baby sit for an hour. Wes asked how much did we owe her already, he then said didn't you go to your sponsors this week? and i was like yes your right, then he said it is regional weekend and we will be owing her 50 bucks for that. so i did not go to the meeting, in fact i have not been to a meeting in over a week. he told the counselor that he wasn't saying i couldn't go to the meeting, but this is what i am talking about. i am a little kid in this what ever you want to call it, relationship i guess. so that was not the part that upset me, we discussed how i tend to feel like a victim and then he brought up captain stupid again and said it is like i think he is him or something.

this is what upset me, the counselor then started to talk to him about my perspective and he said he had this fear that one day he would come home and i would make some obscene purchase and we would not have money to pay bills. he said that has happened before and it will NEVER happen again, period. not that i ever have access to any money, besides the 25 dollar allowance he gives me once in a while, like every couple of months.

so here is my situation, i have no job, i have no income, i have no reasonable family left to help me, i am not allowed to go shopping, when i make a request for something, remember the Harlem globe trotters, it makes him feel bad or gives him fear that if i did have access to money i would go and do something like that. and he stated, when she said well if you came home and she did this it would simply have to be taken back to the store, you know make a big purchase without consulting him, he said oh there won't be a possibility of that ever happening again i will never be put in that position again.

this was not said in the meeting, but I have never, ever put him in that position, his ex-wife did. she was a real treat, he knew her for less then a year and married her, they were together for almost 3 years and he divorced her and it was ugly. she put him through the ringer. right now i hate this woman with every fiber of my being.

i did not say anything about his comment of the situation. i felt like, this is never going to work between us. he has no trust in me, then in the same sentence he was saying 'she thinks because we get into arguments we are not on the same team!'

we aren't on the same team, he has me pigeonholed and just pushed far enough away not to trust me. they talked about 'his' budget and that i need to respect that. i thought it was our budget, and i do respect that, does this mean i can't say i want something? he wants things all the time, in fact he talks about me asking for too much, he went to a men's retreat and spent a couple of hundred dollars, how did that fit into his budget? he went to Colorado and spent about 500 dollars, was that in his budget? i went to a sleepover that cost 15 bucks, and i am not frugal enough!!! my ABS went out in my car, we did nothing for it, he decided his new truck was running rough from the trip so he bought new shocks and had them installed , then it was still a little rough so he spent a little more money and had his tires rotated, my car hasn't been serviced in a year, but i am the one who makes all the big purchases because i said i wanted to go to the Harlem Globetrotters, oh and the other thing we were in Sam's club last summer and i saw one of those wooded playgrounds, you know with a slide and swing, it was 400 dollars and i asked him if we could get it. he said no i let it go and he brought that up to the therapist ooh, i am some big money hungry bitch or something out to get his money.

like i don't? and to top it off after i was left feeling about 2 centimeters tall, we get home and my sister needed me to watch her kids, she said, i don't have the time to go get the 12 bucks to pay the lady for watching my kids can you watch them?!? do you think she paid me? no. then when i was bathing the kids, they were splashing too much and Wes came out of his room and screamed "Everyone out of the F'n tub now!!" if that didn't trigger captain stupid. i haven't spoken to him since, he came out of his room late last night and apologized for getting angry, but with all the crap that i am not allowed to talk about because of this 24 hour rule, and the fact that i am now in this irrational thought process that this morning i wouldn't even give him a kiss good by.

so now it won't matter why i am upset, because of the fact that i am holding on to being angry, no matter what the reason, i will be the one who is wrong. we do not see the counselor until the first of December.

really there is nothing i can do, they are his feelings. as far as i know he will always be afraid of me and not trust my judgment when it comes to finances. that is fine with me, but don't be a hypocrite and say we are on the same team when there is no trust.

i don't want to ask him for anything, i have to this is the situation we are in. i have no job, i discussed getting one and he said in order to afford the sitter for our kids i would need a job that paid 15 bucks an hour if i was going to have any money left over. every time i try to do something that would make money it only costs money and now this damn daycare thing, i can't even purchase a mount for my fire extinguisher. we have to go to a manufacturer and ask them to get one and god only knows how long that will take. at this point i just want to get my license and get a clientele and make my own money so i can leave. then he won't have to worry about me messing with 'his' budget and he will never have to worry how i spend money, it will be my money.

he just emailed me and asked to get him the information the counselor told him about some online test we need to take and it costs 75 bucks for each of us to take it. if he decided to i will tell him to go ahead, i will not spend 75 dollars on this, i don't need to know my personality. i am just there and i do not want to accept that it is just where he is, because i feel he will never change. i think it will only get worse, look how angry he was last night, it gets easier you know. to yell. it is like i turn men into abusers and if i stay with him much longer, that is what he will become. that is where i am at today, and i don't like being here.

here is my thought today, then i have housekeeping, and a ton of running around to do. i believe this a very appropriate thought for me, it helps me with humility and looking at my situation without building it into something it is not. when i read over this, again, because i will, it will help me to surrender a little bit more, and just accept where i am at because right now there is nothing i can do to change my situation so here goes; "Gently remind yourself that life is okay the way it is, right now. In the absence of your judgment, everything would be fine. As you begin to eliminate your need for perfection in all areas of your life, you'll begin to discover the perfection in life itself."- Richard Carlson (Don't sweat the Small Stuff)