Thursday, September 13, 2012

borderline moments

so i have been taking some new medication for anxiety and depression. i was on lexapro and it really helped stable my mood swings a lot, however i gained all my weight that i lost. so the dr prescribed a new medication called viibryd.

for the first month i had issues adjusting then it was working well. then about two weeks ago i started getting light headed and then it was like a zap to the brain, i mean it feels like your brain gets hit with a rubber band and it zings into your ears from the back of the head. well i started to just take the medication when these would occur and they would stop. my husband was concerned the meds were causing it, so was i.

borderline moment. the other night it started happening where i was really dizzy and feeling these zaps coming on a lot, so i got scared and wanted to go to the doctor. but wes had already started his medication for md. he couldn't drive. so i said nothing and filled with anxiety, the zaps would occur and i would get a metallic taste in my mouth he asked me to call the exchange and i wouldn't. so i took some medication to make it stop and it did. but i was very upset and felt like i wasn't important enough to warrant checking out what was wrong.

so the next day we looked up viibryd and some forums where these brain zaps are caused by withdrawals from the medication. well i did not stop taking it, i am only to take it once a day but it seems to wear off and then requires more medication to stop the side effects.

this is so much like coming off of dope. its like crack you can't have enough your body wants more and so i called the doctor and they said it was nothing to worry about, but it is a new medication, they don't have any data on long term side effects of this. i have read where people got off the medication and went to another medication, my worry is the withdrawal symptoms, they make me very dizzy, plus my moods get crazy.

i am worried i will have to take more and more medicine to stop the side effects which is very much like being addicted to dope. i have been clean for almost 8 years and i don't like this feeling. i swear part of me just wants a drink so i can calm down.

i need to figure out how to ween off this medication without spiraling and being afraid of the side effects.

part of me worries that the brain zaps will cause scarring on the brain, or stroke or something i mean my head goes to the worst case scenario in these instances and i can't concentrate on anything else.

so i need a positive thought for today; "A woman of substance has the courage to overcome rough times in her life and pursue her goals because she stands up for what she believes in and NEVER gives up on her values and virtues."- Aarti Khurana

this too shall pass...

Friday, August 31, 2012

kindergarten year

my bean is in kindergarten this year. so today when i went to pick her up she was so happy this is how it went:
the bean: "mommy, mommy, I got a gold medal!!"
me: "awesome baby, what did you get a gold medal for?!"
the bean: "for doing my best!"
me: "at what baby?"
the bean: "at school mommy."
me: "oh"

so her beautiful paper medal is hanging on the firdge right now. not sure what it was for but it sure made her day!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

here's an update

well, it's been almost a 2 years since i blogged. i am still clean, will have 8 years in january. have lost the desire to go to meetings in this region. i tried the double A meeting but it wasn't right for me. i gave up my sponsor and the 'so called' sisters in recovery. turned out they were just a bunch of old gossips who were trying to pigeon hole me to do their bidding. 

my beautiful wonderful therapist retired. so it took about a year and i found another. we are slowly building a relationship. i am going to college now. both my little girls are in school and my oldest left the nest but not like i was hoping. she is not in school, not working and well at this point i am just glad she is not an addict. yet.

we found our dream house, beautiful 2700 square foot 12 year old home. custom built with vaulted ceilings and a huge deck and 2 kitchens and 3 bathrooms!! my little girls finally got their kitten, his name is smokey joe. he is part siamese and part tabby, so he has the tan fur with light grey seal point markings on his face and you can see very faded tabby markings on his body, his tail looks like a coon tail and he has almost white blue eyes. just a gorgeous little boy.

i am going for a degree in digital media, with all the artwork i have done for the fellowship and my wedding, when i looked at the curriculum for this degree it is everything i have already taught myself, only now i will really know what i am doing!! so i am taking my general education first. have gotten A's in every class which was sociology, public speaking, and now i am taking my first pre- algebra, a math study skills class and english 102. i had attempted this college bit about 12 years ago and failed miserably but i knew i had taken english 101, so i sent for my transcripts and well with my history, that was a huge mistake. because apparently even though i withdrew from college i had a very poor college record, so it brought my gpa down to 2.67. which i really don't understand how but it did. also my graduation rate was so low that i got a letter of academic suspension from financial aid. which thank god we are paying cash, the community college is only 78 bucks a credit hour and i get my books cheap used. my old student loans are in good standing but we didn't want to accrue any debt if possible. however sending for my transcripts really screwed with my head. made me feel like a loser all over again. my darling husband, oh yes it took 6 years, but we finally got married, anyway he tells me that was another life and not to worry about it. i did the gpa calculator and i can still graduate with high marks i just don't think i can ever get a 4.0 probably 3.5. 

i tried to get a phoneline going for the region, the entire state of kansas. we have like 80+ groups, 9 areas and thousands of addicts, plus the rsc body, which handles all business for the region has a ton of money they are sitting on plenty of prudent reserve and i found a phone company that could handle our vast phone system for less than 200 a month. toll free number. imagine 1 number, toll free for any addict in the state to call. i need to say that some of these areas pay about half that a month in phoneline fees, so if we pooled our resources we could actually do this. i put together a massive script and worked with this wonderful gal at onebox because they gave a 30 day free trial and i set it up in my name took it to region and showed them there were options for meeting times, to speak to a member and for professionals wanting more information. the beauty of it was it was month to month no contract. they turned it down. so i shut the phone off, was out about 20 hours of work plus the dollar fee for trying the phone. the shitty part was the only thing they were worried about was giving me my dollar back. i felt like saying 'fuck you and your dollar addicts are dying and we aren't doing our job'. i didn't drop any f bombs, in fact i simply took an adavan to calm my nerves and went home. in fact the wichita metro area doesnt even have a working phoneline, they are letting some dumb ass say he is working on it and then each month the work doesn't get done but they still pay for a broken phone line. these people i don't know why they get together every three months. its not helpful. no wonder people don't want to go to our fellowship for help. we have so many people relapse over and over again no one knows how to find us in this state, except those who are already in the program, big ideas get thrown out. they said we should see if we can get it cheaper. stupid fuckers. they are now just sitting on their asses doing nothing, because no one is going to follow through with this. i brought a working product and they turned it down.

the work was all done for them all they had to do was say yes. i really wanted to see billboards with our phone number up there. on our highways. i am truly disgusted with the members of the fellowship i once called home. i cannot go there and see problems continue where we are not helping the still suffering addict. and when a solution is brought to the table they want nothing to do with it. that is pure lazy procrastinating addict behavior and the only ones who get hurt are the newcomers who will never find recovery because we are not doing our jobs. so i quit my fellowship, it has been a blessing to be a part of but i feel i need to work more on me and my struggles than theirs.

as i said earlier i am in therapy and many of my old readers know about my BPD. i have borderline personality disorder, this is a product of growing up in such a dysfunctional home. it was pretty bad, probably worst case possible. we fell through the cracks and we are all survivors of our childhood, my sibs and i. most of my sibs are still living in the past. i am blessed with therapy and help. addiction is a symptom of bpd. so while in recovery i learned that i was an addict way before i ever picked up, in therapy i am learning that my mental health issue is the cause of my addiction and therefore requires more attention than my addiction. i am not saying i am cured of addiction, far from it, what i do know is that continuing to be a part of this fellowship is directly affecting my mental stability. i am also not saying i don't need NA. what i don't need is the rumor, gossip, fighting, manipulating and nastiness that seems to always accompany our service structure. too many egotistical control freaks in one room is more than an adavan can take.

having bpd explains the need for a filter on my mouth. it explains the cycling and fits of rage. i have backed off those since leaving the fellowship and coming to terms with myself. i am not so angry anymore and that is really good. i still very much care about helping and staying clean. however if you have followed me at all over the past years you will know my struggles and how hard it has been to deal with members of service and how very passionate i am about life today. i just think this is a new chapter in my life and it is a good one. i am peaceful now, but don't think i am without struggles. i work on me everyday. and today i have many chores to do so i must end this post now. it feels good to write again, even if it is a bunch of babble, maybe tomorrow will be better. for todays thought;

"The most common form of despair is not being who you are."-Kierkegaard