Flash Fiction Friday- Remembering Dad

Every Friday write a short story of 55 words
no more, no less and report to the G-man!!!

"You had a way of charming everyone Your smile and stature were hard to miss You loved and laughed and were lots of fun It's hard to believe you left us like this The doctors told you to take your meds You wouldn't listen you thought you had time You died quickly with plenty unsaid."

Candido Larry Estrada
April 8, 1936- November 15, 2003
Here is my daddy with "A" at a family reunion. She was about 7 at the time and loved her grandpa very much. He died on November 15, 2003, on his way to midnight bingo. I hate bingo. I will be off this weekend doing more service work in McPherson. It will be so good to see so many people in recovery. I was angry with my daddy for so long. I held his ashes in a box in storage, for fear my brother would come over and steal them, for 5 years. After mom passed, i bought some miniature urns, 5 sets, for my brothers and sisters, and my "A". I filled them with both mom and dad, then took the rest of the ashes and let them go over the Vermilion river where the Oregon trail crossed Kansas. it was a beautiful place filled with rich history and the river lead out to the Mississippi. Mom and Dad would have enjoyed going together so that is what I did. Here you go G-man a tribute to my dad, someone who never knew how to say ' I love you'. And sense i am posting early because I don't know if and when I will get a chance to post , here is an award I received from Chic Mama earlier this week, thank you so very much. I really appreciate the bonds we create here in cyber space.

The Dragons Loyalty Award!!

I will award this to the following bloggers, those who have been here from the beginning of my blog and some new faces who are tirelessly loyal to their blog posts. Feel free to click on the links and go give them a shout out, i know they will appreciate all your kind thoughts.

1. Syd of 'I'm just Fine' fame. an amazing person who works a beautiful program and uses his insights to help so many. thanks for all the wonderful thoughts you have sent my way.
2. The Dragons of 'Dragon Lair' Fame. of course we could not have a dragons award without giving a shout out to the original dragons of course, those who so cleverly use the quilly words to delight so many every week. you guys are amazing with your words.
3. Shadow of '1 door away from heaven' fame. Shadow has been her from almost the very beginning following my blog and being so very, very insightful. her poems are so thought provoking and healing as i read them. i am truly grateful she has been here all along.
4. Indigo of 'shattered prose' formerly of 'scream quietly fame'. she has always been such an amazing presence here and when she takes her breaks she is sorely missed by literally hundreds of readers. i am truly humbled that such a unique individual would take the time to read my thoughts.
5. Lou of 'subdural flow' fame. the direct and open honesty from this lady says it all. thank you lou for always taking the time to stop by and see what i am up to.
6. Cliff of 'WIXY' fame. Cliff is a wonderful person who always takes the time to use his blog to introduce us to so many new bloggers, he is a great piece in the blogger community as he connects so many people to each other. it is an amazing gift when he gives you a shout out. it was his shout out to me that got me some of my readers, so thank you Cliff for all you do.
   

I really have to cut this double post short now and leave with my daily thought; "The most beautiful things in the world are not seen or touched. They are felt with the heart."- Helen Keller

weekend update

well i had a beautiful weekend i hope everyone else did the same. i would like to thank everyone for stopping by and commenting on my flash fiction friday. that was awesome. you guys are amazing. i have been working on some new artwork in photo shop this weekend and i am getting ready to get my fire marshal certificate. finally.

i finished my 7th step this weekend and it was very humbling. the questions took me though some of the things i have been struggling with lately. the following is taken from the 'Stepworking Guide of Narcotics Anonymous'

"We should not confuse humility with humiliation. When we are humiliated, we are ashamed; we feel worthless. Humility is almost the complete opposite of this feeling...
we've been stripping away layers of denial, ego, and self- centeredness. We have also been building a more positive self image and practicing spiritual principles. Before, we couldn't see our strengths because the good, healthy part of us was hidden behind our disease. Now we can. That is humility."

"Many of us came to NA with a certain "street" mentality. The only way we knew to get what we wanted was by approaching it indirectly and manipulating people."

"Humility is our own sense of humanness. We will focus on surrender, trust and faith, patience, and humility."

Some of the questions have been difficult to understand and I have often turned to my sponsor and the women in recovery and asked for guidance in the meaning of these questions. Recovery takes real work, work on myself so i can work with others. The purpose of step work is to stop living my life like a using addict. The minute i walked into the doors of Narcotics Anonymous I knew there was something different. Here were a bunch of people who claimed to be drug free, and I don't mean just from pot. These people claimed to use drugs like I did. some of them even worse than me. And they were happy, joyous and free. They were happy without drugs. At first I did not believe these people were addicts. After a while of coming back I saw they were not so perfect, I saw they still had demons they were fighting and even though they were not using drugs they were still using something. In NA we focus on the disease of addiction, not what you used. Addiction continues to manifest itself in our lives on a daily basis. Now a lot of addicts find themselves fighting the obsession and compulsion in different ways. Some of us use sex as a drug, and there are those that prey on newcomers. some of us use food as a drug, to fill the emptiness inside. Our denial blanket is very powerful and at times we don't even see it ourselves. that is why it is important for an addict to always be told the direct truth. We can easily deny it if it is not staring us straight in the face.

I often wonder why so many members choose to not work this program. it is not easy, there i said it. we are addicts and our entire lives we have always looked for the quick fix. the miracle drug that will cure our problems. And some of us found that. the miracle drug, the one that will cure us from ourselves. and some of us die without ever knowing true freedom from active addiction.

i see members who live by the program, usually most of those members are at the regional business meetings. i truly get inspired by some of them. there is one lady who hardly ever sees eye to eye with me on anything. she is truly one of my favorite people. because this gal doesn't just have that 'i'm right and your wrong' attitude, she always sits down with me and explains her point of view using the traditions and the concepts of NA. and i learn so much from that. i love having an open mind to know i am not right, and with people who use reason and traditions, i don't have to be right i am with the right people and i get filled with the thoughts that it will be OK.
Well I haven't been to the gym in a few days and I was set to go today and I didn't care if my babies were sick, well now I have the sniffles and I am exhausted. I had it all planned out, no matter what... this is so funny because I read the daily meditation today and it says; 'There’s an old saying we sometimes hear in our meetings: “If you want to make God laugh, make plans.” '
Ain't that the truth!?! So here i sit a little more humble, a little more grateful as I surrender that today, I will not go to the gym, today I will rest. I am OK with that.

We had our area business meeting yesterday and I must say it was the first time in a long time that I felt good about it. I agreed to type up the minutes for our chair, he is a great guy and I am OK with filling in from time to time.

We are potty training the bean and I am suffering from "The Potty Training Blues" and it is difficult for my ego i guess. I am doing it wrong!!! that is what i tell myself. But one thing i have noticed is that my haley has not had one accident since we started training the bean. And she has gone quite a bit, but she won't go or tell me she has to go. In fact I usually have to chase her down and carry her in there, as she giggles all the way. and that is the most frustrating part, that she is so full of self will, to not go. and if she would just follow my will... so i am learning a new level of patience, to say the least. so here is my gratitude list;

1. today i am grateful i surrendered to this program.
2. today i am grateful i am clean and serene.
3. today i am grateful we have 2 new groups coming to our area.
4. today i am grateful to get to stay home with my children.
5. today i am grateful for the freedom from obsession and compulsion.
6. today i am grateful for my relationship with my higher power.
7. today i am grateful i finished step 7.
8. today i am grateful for the willingness to continue to step 8.
9. today i am grateful for the rain outside, it cleans the air and smells so fresh and new.
10. today i am grateful for my home and my family.

i can just go on and on i am so grateful for all those who continue to read my blog. it gets sad when i lose a follower but i do not let it bog me down, i have a great group of friends i never would have imagined who have been stopping by for over a year now and it is truly amazing how therapeutic blogging can be!! Oh and i need to give a shout out to Mom and Dad over at 'An addict in our sons bedroom" Congratulations on being invited to write on "Partnership for a drug Free America". If you get a chance stop by and say hi!! They are truly an amazing pair who have turned the pain of their son's addiction into such a powerful and positive venue for others in the same situation. so for todays thought; "The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one."- Elbert Hubbard

Flash Fiction Friday- serenity

Here it is your moment of zen...
Every Friday write a short story, poem or limerick
of 55 words, no more no less and then report to the G-man!!!

"As the moon is setting high in the sky
The clouds and stars are flying by
A calmness surrounds you as you take a breath in
You can hear waves crash and let the salty air in
This place to meditate is personal to us all
We find humble strength when life comes to call"

Here you go G-man!! i needed some serenity in my mind tonight so i remembered the beaches in Laguna and got inspired.

It has been a hectic week and i still need a meeting. i got some service work done for my region and i am excited that the meeting is in a couple of weeks. i miss not being around like minded people.

i have had a lot to be grateful for these past 4 years, and yet this little addict can manage to twist up reality into something it is not. i have done this before and blogged about it as well. it is a roller coaster ride that i cannot get off of. i am an addict and always will be. i strive for perfection and i am so imperfect. i want more so i reach for it, forgetting the it is in the reach and not actually getting the 'want' that is important. life is so very precious and short and i need to remember to live it as best i can and be happy as often as possible, that is what the creator wants for us all.

i will leave with this thought tonight, then i will visit everyone who is playing this week through the g-man. so today's thought; "The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same."- Carlos Castaneda
Have a great weekend everyone, i will be stopping by!!