weekend update

well i had a beautiful weekend i hope everyone else did the same. i would like to thank everyone for stopping by and commenting on my flash fiction friday. that was awesome. you guys are amazing. i have been working on some new artwork in photo shop this weekend and i am getting ready to get my fire marshal certificate. finally.

i finished my 7th step this weekend and it was very humbling. the questions took me though some of the things i have been struggling with lately. the following is taken from the 'Stepworking Guide of Narcotics Anonymous'

"We should not confuse humility with humiliation. When we are humiliated, we are ashamed; we feel worthless. Humility is almost the complete opposite of this feeling...
we've been stripping away layers of denial, ego, and self- centeredness. We have also been building a more positive self image and practicing spiritual principles. Before, we couldn't see our strengths because the good, healthy part of us was hidden behind our disease. Now we can. That is humility."

"Many of us came to NA with a certain "street" mentality. The only way we knew to get what we wanted was by approaching it indirectly and manipulating people."

"Humility is our own sense of humanness. We will focus on surrender, trust and faith, patience, and humility."

Some of the questions have been difficult to understand and I have often turned to my sponsor and the women in recovery and asked for guidance in the meaning of these questions. Recovery takes real work, work on myself so i can work with others. The purpose of step work is to stop living my life like a using addict. The minute i walked into the doors of Narcotics Anonymous I knew there was something different. Here were a bunch of people who claimed to be drug free, and I don't mean just from pot. These people claimed to use drugs like I did. some of them even worse than me. And they were happy, joyous and free. They were happy without drugs. At first I did not believe these people were addicts. After a while of coming back I saw they were not so perfect, I saw they still had demons they were fighting and even though they were not using drugs they were still using something. In NA we focus on the disease of addiction, not what you used. Addiction continues to manifest itself in our lives on a daily basis. Now a lot of addicts find themselves fighting the obsession and compulsion in different ways. Some of us use sex as a drug, and there are those that prey on newcomers. some of us use food as a drug, to fill the emptiness inside. Our denial blanket is very powerful and at times we don't even see it ourselves. that is why it is important for an addict to always be told the direct truth. We can easily deny it if it is not staring us straight in the face.

I often wonder why so many members choose to not work this program. it is not easy, there i said it. we are addicts and our entire lives we have always looked for the quick fix. the miracle drug that will cure our problems. And some of us found that. the miracle drug, the one that will cure us from ourselves. and some of us die without ever knowing true freedom from active addiction.

i see members who live by the program, usually most of those members are at the regional business meetings. i truly get inspired by some of them. there is one lady who hardly ever sees eye to eye with me on anything. she is truly one of my favorite people. because this gal doesn't just have that 'i'm right and your wrong' attitude, she always sits down with me and explains her point of view using the traditions and the concepts of NA. and i learn so much from that. i love having an open mind to know i am not right, and with people who use reason and traditions, i don't have to be right i am with the right people and i get filled with the thoughts that it will be OK.
Well I haven't been to the gym in a few days and I was set to go today and I didn't care if my babies were sick, well now I have the sniffles and I am exhausted. I had it all planned out, no matter what... this is so funny because I read the daily meditation today and it says; 'There’s an old saying we sometimes hear in our meetings: “If you want to make God laugh, make plans.” '
Ain't that the truth!?! So here i sit a little more humble, a little more grateful as I surrender that today, I will not go to the gym, today I will rest. I am OK with that.

We had our area business meeting yesterday and I must say it was the first time in a long time that I felt good about it. I agreed to type up the minutes for our chair, he is a great guy and I am OK with filling in from time to time.

We are potty training the bean and I am suffering from "The Potty Training Blues" and it is difficult for my ego i guess. I am doing it wrong!!! that is what i tell myself. But one thing i have noticed is that my haley has not had one accident since we started training the bean. And she has gone quite a bit, but she won't go or tell me she has to go. In fact I usually have to chase her down and carry her in there, as she giggles all the way. and that is the most frustrating part, that she is so full of self will, to not go. and if she would just follow my will... so i am learning a new level of patience, to say the least. so here is my gratitude list;

1. today i am grateful i surrendered to this program.
2. today i am grateful i am clean and serene.
3. today i am grateful we have 2 new groups coming to our area.
4. today i am grateful to get to stay home with my children.
5. today i am grateful for the freedom from obsession and compulsion.
6. today i am grateful for my relationship with my higher power.
7. today i am grateful i finished step 7.
8. today i am grateful for the willingness to continue to step 8.
9. today i am grateful for the rain outside, it cleans the air and smells so fresh and new.
10. today i am grateful for my home and my family.

i can just go on and on i am so grateful for all those who continue to read my blog. it gets sad when i lose a follower but i do not let it bog me down, i have a great group of friends i never would have imagined who have been stopping by for over a year now and it is truly amazing how therapeutic blogging can be!! Oh and i need to give a shout out to Mom and Dad over at 'An addict in our sons bedroom" Congratulations on being invited to write on "Partnership for a drug Free America". If you get a chance stop by and say hi!! They are truly an amazing pair who have turned the pain of their son's addiction into such a powerful and positive venue for others in the same situation. so for todays thought; "The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one."- Elbert Hubbard

weekend update

just recovering from a weekend of emotions and lively functions. i shared my story friday night and couldn't tell you what i said, i never remember what i share. i think it was ok i had someone come up to me after the meeting and ask for my phone number and someone make amends to me after a two year hiatus of not speaking.
i am not sure but i think my garden is doing better, i will get some new pictures up soon. i planted two new kinds of radishes and i marked when they are supposed to be harvested. i have a huge bowl of tomatoes and am going to look up some recipes for canning, i would like some diced with onions and garlic and i think that will hold through the winter. i have about a dozen in the bowl and tons more out in the garden. my watermelon is starting up again. hope does float, and i hope to have some watermelon before the end of summer. i have broccoli and cabbage and some cauliflower going and so far so good, they have been treated with some organic stuff to keep the caterpillars off them. i still have one cantaloupe that has not been stolen so hopefully i will be able to pick that too, and my butternut squash is getting some growth. i have about a hundred jalapenos and i need a recipe for canning them in slices like in the stores too. my carrot patch is finally showing some carrot tops!! but i tried to pull one and it broke, any suggestions on harvesting my carrots would be wonderful.
on another note, i went to lowes and got 50 dollars worth of fire alarms and then a friend gave me what i needed so i took them back for store credit. i did this because i want to paint my living room and the girls' room. they have fairies on the walls and the fairies are putting flowers on hand painted vines that are crawling up the walls. did it my self, but it is time to come down i will post pictures before and after to show my projects. wes said he could not think of anything we would need to get at lowes, and i told him i could!! so i am excited about that and now i need to come up with a name for my daycare and start marketing and doing interviews, so that along with stepwork is going to keep me really busy.
i have made it to the gym everyday for the last couple of weeks, i have yet to go today as the girls fell asleep on me so i will go after lunch and get some chores done here first, blogging being on the top of the list, and hopefully tonight i can check out how everyone else is doing. gratitude list it has been a while so here goes;
1. today i am grateful for my recovery and the life it has given me.
2. today i am grateful for the level of honesty i am willing to share with others.
3. today i am grateful for my little girls, and my big girls.
4. today i am grateful for the relationship i have with wes.
5. today i am grateful for my willingness to learn to communicate what is going on with me.
6. today i am grateful for my sense of security.
7. today i am grateful that i have lost the desire to use.
8. today i am grateful to live with in my means.
9. today i am grateful for my friends in recovery.
10. today i am grateful to be alive and well.

i have spent this week and the last weekend thinking of all the blessings life has offered me and about how i finally took the steps to accept them and my self. it is an ongoing process and i know i will be in a bad space from time to time, but i never ever have to use drugs to get through any situation life has to offer. that is a good feeling and though i am not a church goer this is a testament of faith and of a higher power. there is a beautiful new song out and i will leave a link here for you to listen i love both these artists very much and for them to get together to collaborate on such a piece is just beautiful. the words are very appropriate i hope you enjoy it!!
kennyand dave

for todays thought;"Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional
acceptance of life and what it brings."---Arthur Rubinstein