Flash Fiction Friday- seasons in recovery

Every Friday write a short story of 55 words

no more, no less and then report to the G-man!!

"to each day the season brings

the gift of life my recovery sings

for every time the chaos reigns

opportunity once again begins

life after all is a series of moments

It's not meant to be so full of torment

For every addict in recovery learns to remember

Life doesn't begin without acceptance and surrender"

Here you go G-manI am getting her done early and I am going to try to set it to post tomorrow!! We will see what happens!! Have a great weekend everyone, we are house hunting again!!

monday highlights

so "A" has influenza A we tested her today, they say they cannot rule out the swine flu. now my haley has been running a fever and complaining of a tummy ache and head ache.

the bean and i went in today and got our flu shots, not the swine flu though so time will tell which one "A" has. but now she is out of school for a week and is beside herself. with all honors classes and she is going to miss college this week she is very upset.

we had area on sunday and i left there very frustrated. for this addict i seem to focus on the negative and i need to turn that around. one group in particular that i am frustrated with, their report felt like a real cheap shot at me and i don't think i am wrong about it, but there is nothing i can do about it either. so acceptance is the key, learn to accept close mindedness and let it go.

my diet, i had a burger and fries at red robin on saturday and on sunday i had a dinner roll with lunch other then that i am still being good during the week, i told myself i could have carbs on the weekend and indulge some, just not over eat though. i am still writing everything down

my doctor said it would take 6 weeks for my body to get used to less food so i am still hungry but i am drinking more water. the bean and i will go to the gym tomorrow since we are not sick and "A" has to stay home for a week. hopefully haley will feel better soon too. right now all she wants is for me to hold her and sing to her. that is ok with me.so for todays thought; "Learn to be what you are, and learn to resign with a good grace all that you are not."- Henri Frederic Amiel

live and learn

See these flowers, they are supposed to be oregano and sage i think they are pansies.
i had a bag of seeds that said colored bell peppers, they are jalapenos and the green beans i planted are really black beans.
So let this be a lesson to you aspiring gardeners, no buying seeds from Walmart!!! Seriously i am not happy with my lettuces, the spinach did well and this is my zucchini the last one and it was over 3 pounds!!

So next year i will be ordering my seeds from a catalog, now that i have 6 jalapeno plants and there are over 2 dozen on the front four, does anyone need some jalapenos? so my cantaloupe are doing great as well as my watermelon and i think i even have a butternut squash coming in. Boy it is too bad i lost all my zucchini to those darn bugs, Mamahollioni's Kitchen has a great recipe for zucchini fries!!

So we took "A" school clothes shopping yesterday and with the exception of not getting her some shoes everything went well. we had found a pair online that i thought was supposed to be on sale and when we got there they were almost 60 bucks. we were not going to pay 60 bucks for shoes, now the store had plenty of name brand shoes on sale for 38 dollars but "A" wouldn't have it so she didn't get them, then pitched a fit like a little kid over a freakin pair of shoes!!
we got home, she got all the clothes we had looked at online and a bit more because of the sales they had and i thought we did well with jeans for 46 dollars on sale for 21, i mean she got really nice clothes and went strait to her room to cry. i asked her what was wrong, i know wrong thing to do and she went off on this little episode about how "her friends who flunk classes and stay out all night get 500 dollars for school clothes and they have cell phones and they get to leave school early to go to a vo- tech and start their lives and she is stuck here. why should she keep trying to do everything right when it gets her nothing." we only spent 100 dollars yesterday but that would have been double if it weren't for the sales she got 5 shirts 2 pairs of jeans and some new shorts. i was really hurt by what she said so i called my sponsor and then a freind. you know this song and dance about how she hates her life is really getting pathetic and i am losing patience and i am ready to tell her to get out of my house. i am so tired of her hating me everytime she doesn't get her way. for her birthday last year we decided to get her a new bike. i was just going to get her a Walmart special and Wes wouldn't have it, he wanted her to have something that she could use in college and so we researched for about 2 months and found the brand "Specialized" we ended up getting her a Hardrock Sport mountain bike, entry level and it was still 400 bucks. Really nice bike and she has never ridden it. she just wants to throw it in our face like " i don't care" . we spent over a year in therapy and she wouldn't do anything the therapist suggested so why spend money on something that isn't working? and all i can learn from this is to never ever relapse and put my younger daughters through the pain my oldest went through.I know that just for today i never have to use again and this is a reminder of the damage that will happen if i do. So today we had the day off from babysitting so I took my girls out to the pool where we all got a little too much sun, Wes is off fishing so i pulled out some t-bones, i have some red potatoes and some fresh harvested lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers and zucchini for a great salad. Enjoy your weekend. gratitude list 5 things;
1. today i am grateful my two little girls have never seen me high.
2. today i am grateful for not losing my temper over the weed whacker that wouldn't cooperate. i eventually got it to work and now my yard is awesome.
3. today i am grateful for the beautiful weather we have here in wichita, a nice 90 degrees perfect pool weather.
4. today i am grateful for my love of fishing, maybe tonight i can go for a bit.
5. today i am grateful for my willingness to live my life to the fullest today.
so much to do i need to go start my potatoes and mushrooms and then my grill, i spent a little time on the"lazy river" at the "YMCA" and i just got off the phone with my sponsor so i need to get dinner on. todays thought;"The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions,
and not on our circumstances." --Martha Washington

sponsor's are Human too

so i called my sponsor yesterday and she wasn't there. so i called 3 other women and no answer there either. well it was not such a great day anyway i was exhausted from the bean being up all night, my sinus's were draining and i had a horrible headache i think maybe a summer cold, or the swine flu. so "A" made dinner, i did not go to a meeting as i was laying down and then viola, my sponsor called.
so i told her of my dilemma, and how Wes said we were putting the house on the market. then i told her how i felt when i suggested that we put a deposit on an apartment, they could hold for us through august, and he shut me down. she said what else is new. you have been having communication problems. then i told her i haven't heard from my sister, and she said, where is your sister? i said they are in Juarez Mexico, then she goes, "this is not a good time to be going to Mexico" with a hint of panic in her voice. i said "uh, duh?" that is what i told you my concerns last week. it was like she never even heard me!! then she said well i know but i just watched a documentary about that place and it is not good. DUH!!!!!
so with communicating to Wes my problem is this, i feel like when he shuts me down it is like "no we are doing it my way" he doesn't say that but that is how i feel. then i just say whatever and supposedly let it go, right? wrong, because i end up stewing over it and i feel like i am not being heard, hello and then it back builds, until something inane happens and i pounce on him and just start a huge screaming match out of left field. so how do i stop that from happening, that is my real question and that is what i tried to convey to my sponsor that i see this pattern and it is in the beginning part and i don't want to just stuff it.

so last night after Wes got back from his meeting i tried to explain it to him. i said "Wes when you said that we were not putting a down payment on a place you shut me down, it made me feel like my opinion didn't matter." he looked at me and started to speak, and i interrupted him, "please let me speak, so i said nothing and you thought i was getting short with you, the problem is you do this all the time and i am trying to keep it out in the open so it doesn't turn into a fight. i end up not letting go and then fighting about it later when we are talking about something else." so he said "uh- huh". and i just said " i am trying to not stuff my feelings so that we don't end up fighting." and that was that. then of course i tossed and turned about it all night because i was stuck on his enlightened "uh-huh" like does he not know i am trying here!!" so my addict had expectations there about him actually showing me some gratitude for not picking a fight.

so i haven't called my sponsor yet, as she works 3rd shift. and today i am the one getting the counseling session and i am anticipating it being a "beat up the addict mom" session. so a little worried there, and i told my sponsor i would call her afterward. i have to go get a prescription for my brother, and then to the gym, i don't want to stop going so i need to hurry this a bit, gratitude list 5 things;
1. today i am grateful that i didn't get into a fight with Wes last night.
2. today i am grateful for my back not hurting as it has been.
3. today i am grateful my garden continues to grow, i have 36 green tomatoes out there.
4. today i am grateful that i do not care who reads this, this blog is about how i am feeling and i am able to share what i need to share.
5. today i am grateful i do not go to hostile or bigoted meetings. it is not my responsibility to police the NA meetings, i just need to work on my recovery.
todays thought;"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about
learning how to dance in the rain."- anonymous

Feelin' the Burn Baby!!

It's official, I am a sloth!! I am so out of shape I can't stand myself. I just got back from the Y and only did 2 laps in the pool and my back is killing me, and I feel like I am going to throw up!! To give you some perspective, it takes 70 laps to finish 1 mile and I ran out of steam with 2!! I even had cramps in my side. I have a slight head ache and I have water in my ears. Needless to say this does nothing for my self esteem. I should have just done my 20 minutes on the elliptical.
So what is my lesson in this venture, I don't know, but I do know that I am out of shape, unless you compare me to a pear!! So I really need to quit waffling with the gym I go then I stop. I make excuses not to go then I go for a week. What am I to do with myself. This water in my ears is really annoying, could that cause infection. I haven't swam in years (thank you captain Obvious) and it is very humbling. No let me say how I really feel, I was humiliated with myself. Here is the funny part, my arms aren't tired and neither are my legs, it is everything in between that hurts, I don't even know if I can eat dinner. I don't even swim in a straight line the life guard blew her whistle at me. OK I am really tired of being overweight. I am tired of needing really big clothes. I know that I need to work out for my health but I really want to lose weight. I refuse to take diet pills and my biggest problem is my appetite. It is like I eat to stuff my I don't know what but I am stuffing something and I don't feel good not having energy. I think I need to try swimming more but the only reason I even got in the pool was because my daughter was there. I have a fear of going out in my swim dress by myself.
I am so frustrated with myself and I needed to share that. Also I need to share that I have less time to blog because of thing one and thing two, note the cute picture at the top, they need constant attention and I need to be more productive at home since this blog doesn't bring in any income and we need to tighten our belts like everyone else and I feel like a big bill instead of a help. I really need a meeting but tonight I need to take my daughter to counseling and then the night will be over. I will listen to a meeting when I get home. There is an internet radio station called euphoria recovery radio.com and it plays NA speaker tapes 24 hours a day, so I will tune in to that and catch up on the comments of what the rest of my blogger buddies are up to. Maybe I will tell you about my wayward brother and the wonderful letter I got from him this week. For todays thought:"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."-Eleanor Roosevelt

Tolerance under Pressure

Well we had a short visit at the hospital, my Haley had a rough time with getting blood work done. She has been every 3 months since birth to get lab work done but this is the first time she really knew what was going on, and she didn't want any part of it!! So after that I told her she could have a lollipop, those are her faves and she never gets them because sugar is bad for my baby. But Mommy had to go see her freind across the street first. So the visit was short but I found out more about Colby and the extent of his impending surgery. They are talking about going in and moving the lungs out of the way and all kinds of heavy stuff like that. This is why they need a team of surgeons to work on him and this needs to happen in the next couple of days. So lot's of prayers for Colby, Deb and Tim(Tim and Deb are his parents). Colby is Debs only son and he also has a 4 year old son. This is a very close knit family and all the prayers do help.
In other news this evening I made a big decision. This decision involves this very blog. I know you all have to know how much I cherish your thoughts and support, however I was going through my email and found a comment that I decided to reject. I did not come to this decision lightly, I know that having comments and word of mouth helps get the blog going, but you know the saying "Not all money is good money"? This is not good money. My program of Narcotics Anonymous teaches me to live life on life's terms and not Suzie's terms. It also says when I need to say something to be honest and tactful so please bear with me I am new with the tact. I know that there's nothing like a good controversy to attract attention. But I do not wish to have chaos and mayhem in my life today! I check out the fellow bloggers that leave comments on my blog and this comment this evening was disturbing in two ways, one OK how do I put this gently, well there's nothing gentle about it it came from an anti AA Jesus freak! I checked out the blog and it was just what I described and I have no desire to publish a comment from such a blogger. Sorry I just don't have the same beliefs as you so please understand. Gossip is the devils favorite character defect and I am not about to even go there and tell people about your blog because for the most part the bloggers in the community that read my blog kind of feel the same way that I do about our 12 Step programs and we do choose to come to our own understanding of our HP and we are happy with the lives we have been given and there is no need to go down to your blog and get angry at you. With that being said I will put a prayer in my "GOD" box for you, oh and by the way my god box is my mom's old Nicorette box that she used to try to quit smoking, there's no crucifix or holy scripture on it or a bleeding face of Christ, it is a simple symbol that has a special place for me. And with this, has anyone else ever gotten a crazy comment or a comment from someone who you were uncomfortable publishing? Today I leave you with this prayer that helps me when dealing with difficult people; "God put your arms around my shoulders, and your hands over my mouth!"-Anonymous

When will she let go

I just had a heart to heart with my daughter. A few weeks ago she was in trouble for slapping her stepfather in the face, during that fight she informed us that she was smoking and that she never quit smoking. Yeah I was pretty hot, now fast forward to today and Wes saw a girlfriend of hers out on the street and she was smoking. This girl takes the same bus Adrianna does to school in the morning. So it was bothering him but he didn't say anything then tonight we have a discussion about drivers ed. She was asked at school today if she wanted to take drivers ed next semester and if she did she would have to drop a class. She chose instead to wait until her sophomore year and I didn't know why she did this. So when we brought the subject up tonight Wes asked if I remembered what we had discussed at the beginning of the school year about drivers ed. Of course I said no I have slept since then. I mean man she had already decided not to do this so why drill her about responsibility. Anyway the subject went into left field and we were then asking her when and who did she smoke with. And she said I haven't smoked in a long time. Wes said that is not what I asked you. Then I asked her if she got cigarettes from her bus stop friend and she said, I don't trust her smokes they look weird. Still avoiding the answer. This went on for a few minutes and I said look we didn't start this conversation to drill her about smoking and Wes said he just wanted to know if she could or would be honest when asked a question. I had told her to bring this conversation up to her counselor when they meet next week because she was upset. This isn't even the heart to heart, I'm getting to that. I mean AAAAAAGGGUHHU why did I ever get high!!!! So where was I, oh, yeah, so she is totally upset and I say to her, Baby are you ok? and she just sits there and I said is there someone you want to talk to? Because I've been here before and she puts this wall up and I know I am not her favorite person at the moment. Then she says she is going to her room to draw. So Wes tells her that she is being rude, that mom is trying to reach out to her and that her response is rude and that even though she is mad at him she is taking it out on me. So she goes in her room crying. So of course I go to check on her because I don't want her to hurt herself and we TALK, I mean she really, really was very open and honest with me for the first time in a very, very long time. And she tells me that when we have these sit downs together it is like Wes and I are both taking turns punching her and taking jabs at her. Wow you all know I start to do the little lip quiver. Then I compose myself and say thank you for your honesty and I will talk with Wes about this because that is so not our intention and I know that she believes me. I still had to tell her though that when she tries to just ask one of us without both of us it was manipulation. Because it is she tries to see who is in a better mood or something and ask for things at the right time, she's a teen, I am not a perfect parent, we are both learning. Then she really starts to TALK, did you think I was done, no I need to get this out and it is too late for a meeting. She tells me that she doesn't trust me and she is just waiting for me to leave. Or throw her out. She doesn't like it here and when the counselor asked me about sending her to the childrens home for 3 days it was at Adrianna's request and I didn't know that. I said No no wait more like HELL NO. I was asking if there was a treatment type place for her because she was having thoughts of harming herself and when I am around she won't talk. I was not trying to put her in a childrens home, I am not going to throw my baby away and I am not going to let her run away. However, now that I am enlightened...AAAAUUGGGHHHHH........
You know these emotions that we have to feel are pretty potent. How do I apologise for being so bad to her. How do I help her let go of the past. Does she really need to be away from me to heal. I don't even yell at her. I cried, and I told her that I knew she hated Wes, and that it kills her to see me be a good mom to my little ones when I wasn't there for her. I know the damage I did to her when she spent weeks on end wondering why did I not come home. I know the damage because I see it in her beautiful face everyday when she comes home from school. She doesn't want to come home, she doesn't want me or our family. Wes thinks that sending her somewhere is wrong because he was sent away by his mom as a teen and even though he said he wanted to go he didn't mean it. He thinks she is pushing me away to hurt me for a payback or something. I am truly powerless. You know I think I will work on my stepwork now, there isn't too much else I can do but relive the pains in this blog and it is already so very long So no meditation or funny thoughts today just, thanks for letting me share and I will keep coming back. And yes I am so gald we had this talk, seriously, I hope she will talk again I hope I didn't say anything that would make her afraid to talk to me again.