some days are a struggle

today is a struggle for me. i cannot seem to shake my anger. i am so angry today. the kids are making me angry and they are not doing anything wrong. i went to a meeting last night and i am still angry. i am working on my 7th step and the questions are making me angry.
how does one remove a character defect? how do you ask for it to be removed. i am not being sarcastic this is the real question. and you know i went to the meeting last night looking for guidance, but how do you get guidance from the same 2 people. i went to a different meeting last week and it was not a good meeting. nobody there wanted to be honest, am i being judgmental, i hope so because why is it that i am the only one who will admit to her defects.
why do so many choose to be clean but live dirty.

i am resentful of my baby. i am becoming resentful towards my little bean because there is a huge difference in the discipline given between her and Haley from Wes. i cannot stand by and watch this without saying something and i do not seem to say what it is i need to say for him to really understand what i am saying.
i know Wes provides for Haley and she loves him dearly, he is her father. but when it is so blatant how he favors Gillian, right in front of Haley, i just can't stand it.
last night i was angry, i am angry about these damn medical bills that keep taking every extra penny we get. i could feel it and when i was trying to talk with him last night the girls were just screaming their little heads off. very chaotic scene. Wes instructed them to go and sit down and get away from the gate, Haley did as she was told , but she was crying, gill continued to stand there and pitch a tantrum.
Wes then tells Haley if she keeps it up she is going to get a spank. i said in a very angry but clearly suppressed tone will you please tell Gillian the same thing!

you know when Haley hits Gillian he yells at her to get in the corner but turn the page and Haley gets poked in the eye and he says oh she is ok. i then yelled at the bean since clearly she was not getting disciplined from him over the same thing Haley would get in trouble for.

i have asked him for counseling. i have told him my feelings on this. i have told him how my sister and me had no relationship until my father died. i have told him how much i hated my sister and i do not want these girls to hate each other. now here i am taking sides. being angry at my daughter because her father refuses to hear my pleas in this situation.

secrets keep me sick. this is an honest program. i cannot get a hold of my sponsor and i am sick of her answering machine. i am refusing to pick up the phone for other addicts right now because i just want to be angry i guess.
it is easier to be angry and self righteous then to try to communicate and continue to get it wrong. why try when he won't hear me anyway. that is my pity pot.

they are napping right now. i want to start my day over. i feel very pressured right now. i cannot get the things done that i need to pass my fire inspection. last night i asked a member if he could help install my fire alarms, he said he would call me today, still no call. i told Wes about this and he said the guy is a flake and don't' expect him to call anytime soon. well i certainly don't expect Wes to put them up any time soon but he does not have to be so flipping negative to me for trying. i feel my powerlessness right now and it is a very vulnerable feeling.

i cannot go to a meeting tonight, as it is Wes's night, i was going to take the girls to the YMCA to swim instead. i cannot go tomorrow night Wes will be in school and i have a training class on Thursday as well as parent teacher conferences. i want to call the dentist since Haley has chipped one of her new caps but i am afraid of more medical bills. i have "A's" sweet 16 in October and probably won't be able to get her anything with all these incoming bills, the girls both have birthdays in December and Wes in November and his clean date of 19 years in October as well. i have no new income coming in and i still need to pay for my license fees. and now i need to return some tot locks for a type that are twice as much because Wes had too much trouble installing the ones i got that were already 30 dollars for eight of them.

i feel like when i cannot communicate to him, like last night, i am not standing in my own truth. i know i was too angry last night to talk to him. so it was good not too but i am not sure how to and when i don't talk i feel like i am stuffing it and now i am ready to explode and i do not want that. sometimes i hate being me, why is it that some days are great and i can handle my emotions and others are like this. i know as an addict there will always be days like this for me. i know this is some lesson i need to learn and it will continue to hurt until i learn it.

i just want to start my day over and be with my girls and enjoy them. i keep getting angry and then i don't enjoy the moment. i just don't want this anger anymore. this demon seems to be getting the better of me today. i want a quick fix and i am obsessing about going shopping and spending money or going to the MacDonald's drive through with them and having a happy meal.
we never do that, we never go out, i don't even like MacDonald's. i think we will go and then have a picnic at the park, if Wes doesn't like it , tough, i need to not be constantly cleaning and keeping all these chores done and all these responsibilities. they can wait. but when i do go and do this it feels like such an emotional relapse and i hate myself for it. see how crazy i can drive myself. i am so sad right now and i feel all alone, and i feel so distant from Wes because i haven't told him how i am feeling. he wants me to tell him but it feels like i am keeping a secret from him and i am just trying to sort out my thoughts, control the outcome if you will, before i speak to him.
i think i need a gratitude list;
1. today i am grateful for my computer skills, it gives me a new freedom to get my thoughts out there and isolate less.
2. today i am grateful for Haley, she really was my miracle baby, i never thought i would be blessed with another child.
3. today i am grateful for Gillian, she was my Christmas present, we thought there were serious complications with some testing we did when i was pregnant, but she is the most healthiest and beautiful little thing.
4. today i am grateful i can still hold my babies at night, my bean still comes out to sleep with me, i let her because it just will not last forever.
5. today i am grateful for the sun finally coming up it has rained for about 5 days here, my poor garden has suffered so much.

it is hard for me to be grateful today, my head keeps twisting up the negative. i am still trying though. i was extremely saddened about the loss of Patrick Swayze yesterday. i have been obsessed with cancer victims and i hate it when one loses their battle to this insidious disease. cancer really sucks, the current medical situation really sucks, i really hope for this reform bill. the bickering that goes on in Washington really sucks right now. we need health care reform and we need it now.i am babbling now so here is my thought today;"Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things."--T. S. Eliot