life on life's terms....not my terms

well my brother is in the hospital again. he apparently had congestive heart failure and was in tachycardia when he went into the hospital two days ago. i knew he was there my sister told me. he goes in so much it is like bathing or something i find it hard to feel. i know he is suffering and i know he is not making it up but the damn kid is feeling so sorry for himself it just makes me so angry.

therapy can be  a double edged sword you know. on the one hand i am getting better and learning about my behaviors and what is wrong so that i may fix it. on the other hand i am looking at my past and my life in a new light i never saw before. i am becoming resentful of my parents. if you have followed me long you can read my past posts on how much i cherished my parents and how much i felt bad for all the pain i caused with my addiction... my addiction.

yes it is my addiction. it is also my borderline personality disorder. a mental state that happens to one when they come from such a chaotic and bad home. it was no picnic. one of the symptoms of BPD is addiction, did my parents unwittingly help cause my addiction? look at my brother in the ICU right now because he doesn't know how to take care of himself. i heard that my baby sister is off in Timbuktu taking her kids with her. through no fault of their own they are going to perpetuate this vicious cycle that is my family and they, if they survive their childhood, will end up worse than me and my siblings.

my brother has been through hell and he carries the pain of our family inside him. all the injustices, all the anger and rage all the shame worry and self loathing lies within him now. i am learning to let mine go. but he is dying of heart failure at 32. it will be natural causes of course. i will probably pay for the funeral.

don't get me wrong he will come home from the hospital this time, but the next time he forgets to take his medicine and decides to smoke he may not be so lucky. he has no insurance, no job he lives off the kindness of others. he has a looong list of medical problems and he cannot afford the medication to keep his heart in check. disability is a joke they won't give it to heart patients and the republicans made sure he won't get medical coverage for 4 years or more and so he will die a deadbeat, penniless and broke, just like his mother and father.

 i heard my little sister is off to washington state looking for relatives, they are dragging their children with them. and i am afraid to say she won't find any family there and she will run out of money and be stuck in the middle of the country all alone and i can't help her either. she want's somebody to take care of her just like my brother does only she is dragging her kids across hell and back. i don't think she is using, she never gave me that impression, she has creditors chasing her too.

and they both sit there and struggle with life and here i sit comfortable because someone is taking care of me. and for that i am grateful and blessed. but as they will eventually call me and ask for help and i tell them i cannot they will spew the most hateful words at me. my sister especially. my brother will just not call for a long time. i swear i feel like a parent to these kids.

k i must rest now i needed to vent. i worry for my niece and nephew, my sister and my brother. parents of addicts know this worry...