life goes on... holiday's or not

so i had therapy last night with my main therapist and told her about the joint session with 'A' and how bad it went. apparently i wasn't the only one who thought it went bad, because 'A's' therapist called my therapist to tell her how bad it went. the whole situation was silly and it blew up out of proportion. it reminded me of my recent issue with service work, where i wrote an article for my newsletter and now i have a censorship committee that will review the work before it is sent to print. i used the words 'vagina' and 'sex' to discuss predatory behavior. and really someone did not like it. that is what it boils down to. well the other day i was parenting my daughter. my other therapist said to use the word parenting not discipline that would make it easier for me to handle, because i don't want to be a disciplinarian. so when 'A' got home from school on the last day before Christmas break this is what happened

'Mom i just found out i have 2 assignments due today in AP History.' i said

'Well then i guess you better get on it.' so she goes back to her room. a little while later she came to me and said 'Mom i have a 76 in the class without this work.' and i said 'What will you have if you do the work?' she said 'The teacher said it would bring my grade up to a B.' i said then it would be worth trying to get part of it in.' a while later as i was coming by her room she said 'mom i can't figure this out' she was very distressed. she said the answers were supposed to be in the book but they weren't so i said 'Honey i wish i could help you but i just can't. why don't you google howard zinn and the questions this is what happens when you wait till the last minute to try and get your homework done. so you have to think outside the book.'

 see 'A' only missed 2 class periods, both times were when she had to do work for JROTC, one was a blood drive and the other was an out of state trip. and these assignments were online so there was no reason for her not to know they were due. she just chose to not look up for any missing assignments, instead she played on facebook. now her teacher was giving her a chance to get her grade up and i simply told her she should try. 

then she came to me when i was getting ready for an appointment and said 'Mom this is just too hard i just want to take a C.' and that is when i said 'Well i guess you should also consider weather or not you want to do swimming in the spring because if extra curricular activities are getting in the way of you getting your homework done then you won't be doing any in the spring.' so she huffed off and got her assignment done. so she says. then a little bit later wes came home and she said something to him and went over and grabbed the phone and called her therapist. then she got off the phone and said 'Mom 'T' wants to talk to you tomorrow for a few minutes before my therapy. OK 

So i saw my other therapist and told him i thought i was going to get balled out by her therapist for disciplining her. i told him what happened and he said "don't call it 'discipline', it is not 'discipline', it is called 'parenting'." and he assured me it would be fine and that a good therapist would not triangulate a situation between a parent and child. yeah right.

So the session could have gone better, it lasted 2 hours and it was exactly that. 'A' called 'T' to tell on mommy, mommy went in to talk to 'T' and 'T' said at this point we let the kids decide for themselves what kind of grade they choose to get. that if she were in middle school that is where we provide the little push but at 17 it is too late to threaten the kids with discipline if they don't get a good grade in school. i said i wasn't disciplining her i was parenting her. and she said no, and took out her notes, and said you told her if she didn't get her grade up she wouldn't be able to swim in the spring. Uh yeah, i did. that is discipline she said a natural consequence would be a lower grade. no not true if she got low grades in college they would tell her she could not participate in swimming also. it is the right consequence.

so then 'A' was brought in and i felt ganged up on. yeah it didn't go well. i held my ground. i was a little shaken up but the therapist insisted to my daughter that this was not going to be a deal where mommy made her mad, she calls 'T' and 'T' tells mommy 'bad mommy' even though that is exactly what happened.

so then after Christmas 'A' said she needed a prom dress, just like the phone issue i said 'what are you willing to do to earn it.' so finally she goes, 'OK mom make me a list, what can i do to earn money' so with wes and his family there we made up this list, you know like wash out the van; 10 bucks. 3 loads of laundry, wash, dry, fold and put away 8 bucks, wash the blinds 10 bucks. things like that the little nitty gritties that i put off doing. feeling like i was being very lenient with the list i handed it to wes to edit. this was the negotiating part between him and i. so he changed the wash to 5 bucks. and a few other things he lowered the price on. i said 'your such a slave driver.' we were joking, we were laughing. and we handed her this list. she took one look at it and said 'My therapist needs to approve this list.' yeah.

so we told her look you don't have to do any of it if you don't want to. in fact it was a pick and choose list. if she wanted to earn her money doing nothing but laundry then so be it. ah, such is life. bless her heart. and i am not acting out on my behaviors today. this is what it is. she doesn't like that i am feeling better and parenting her. 

so i will keep updates on progress. the point is it is not about me. she will be leaving home in may. i won't be there to give her guidance. she will figure it out on her own, the easy way or the hard way. it is up to her. but while she is here, i call the shots.

today's thought; "Many people are living in an emotional jail without recognizing it."- Virginia Satir

looking up

getting things back on track today. first post in a week. i have been faithfully going to the gym i am now under 200 pounds and i have not seen the scale under 200 in over 4 years. i am trying the low glycemic load diet. the concept is to remove the starch and high sugar drinks from my diet and to exercise. i hope by september to have my A1C's lowered significantly but only time will tell. i am even getting used to only 2 cups of coffee with no sugar in it.

i discovered soy flour, and wheat bran. these two items make it possible for a protein waffle once a week. i can still keep with in the weight watchers guidelines as well. Beans are ok as long as they are not refried, i can use less of them in my soups. All the things i read from the american diabetes association says to have 6 servings of starchy carbs every day. the low glycemic diet talks about removing starchy carbs.

my family loved the diabetic diet because you simply take some insulin and viola low sugars. me i have been burning the glucose out of my blood for about 4 weeks now and lowering my intake of glucose. the problem with starch is that your body turns it into glucose and glucose goes into your blood. your pancreas has to make insulin to take the glucose out of your blood stream. it then turns glucose into fat and stores it in your body. hence there are so many overweight diabetics. if we continue to eat high carb diets, loaded with starch then when we do go to the gym we only burn glucose out of our bloodstream and see little if any effective weight loss. i had this problem last year at the gym if you recall. today with less sugar in my diet, less starch that turns straight to glucose, when i go to the gym it is effective in weight loss because now i am burning fat cells. but time will tell when i go in september. i am also hopeful for the holidays coming!!

i know i like lots of sweets and goodies but learning these new recipes on the low glycemic load, not index, diet i can substitute some sweets. the pumpkin pie is a staple for the holidays, and a complex carb so medium on the gylcemic load, i can make a soy flour crust, and it doesn't taste bad, and i have a feeling no one will notice. i don't eat pumpkin pie, but there are other things i can do and it makes me excited because i love new recipes and cooking. one thing though i need to get rid of corn starch. i can substitute guar gum and or xantham, i know these things sound weird but if you look at some labels of food you will find these things in there and they replace cornstarch. cool huh.

i have been feeling wonderful to boot, i feel more energized and organized. i am still uber busy we are planning a trip to texas next week and my meetings are covered. i think i am on the right track with my diet.

we had the funeral last friday and we all cried our eyes out. part of me was angry with my friend and part of me was angry with myself. i thought why couldn't i save him. but it was not my job nor is it my job to save anyone. that is not what carrying the message is all about. the gift is in carrying the message, it is not up to us who hears it but we recover more fully and gratefully knowing we are doing our part to help give this message of recovery away.

my brother is out of the hospital and my sister is living in her truck right now until the first when she will get assistance. i am going to mail out my newsletters this afternoon and heading to the gym now. i hope you all are wonderful and i will try to get to commenting on you this afternoon, during naptime...

thanks for sticking around even when i wasn't posting or having time to comment on everyone. i do miss this part of my recovery. you all are a great part of it, i love the thoughts and heartfelt words... oh and we realize we suck as organic gardeners!! there are huge caterpillars eating my dill!! and my tomatoes are not popping out tomatoes they have flowers but no tomatoes we found some stuff that you spray them with to help with that!! so much for organic, we did not get the spray yet but we are losing our crops to bad bugs even with an insectary!! oh well eventually we will get it, don't know what more we can do this year but to keep watering, hoeing and hoping for the best. and pulling those damn hungry caterpillars off my plants!! wes was going to powder them and i told him, Don't kill them!! i mean they were just hungry. and pretty, i know i am sicker than others but i felt a little compassion for a hungry caterpillar. it looked just like the one in that childrens book the very hungry caterpillar and there were about 6 or 7 of them. ok gotta go!!

check out these garden pictures!!!

this is my jalapeno plant. or plants there are four closely planted pepper plants, try to say that three times fast!! and i have two jalapeno peppers growing very cool, or hot stuff!!

check out this bad boy!! it is over 12 inches long!! can i grow a garden or what!! i totally missed this one, wes actually found it today, i told him that i went to look there about a week ago and a big white spider was there so i just left it there to kill bad bugs and didn't bother to look again!!
here is my little helper, these tomato plants are taller than her and there are over 40 tomatoes now!!
these are my cucumber vines and behind them of course are my zucchini plants i found little cucumbers today, i hadn't looked at all until wes showed me the big one!!
these back here are my watermelon, cantaloupe and butternut squash, don't know how or when to expect any kind of harvest, but they sure are taking off!!
here is my special prize today one big red tomato, we decided last night to wait until today to harvest this guy and eat him up and then when i went out there this morning i found this hanging on my plant.
i thought crows only ate field corn!! how the he$% am i supposed to keep them from eating all my red juicy delicious tomatoes!! i was so excited my first tomato!! well we ate it anyway!!

ok for some real new stuff, i have taken on babysitting, going for a daycare license and will have up to four little ones plus my two to boot. but at the rate of 4 dollars per hour per kid that is 16 bucks an hour and i would not be leaving my kids any where else and i am only taking first shift, 2 of whom will be here at 5:30 in the morning so i need to finish up. this is a temporary thing until i figure out how to market myself as a professional photography retouch and graphic artist. i will have my bad debt paid off by the end of summer and i will be starting to pay down my student loans, yeah me!!! wes is going on a trek tomorrow to find his fathers people, i think this is a great thing, my Haley has a dentist appointment tomorrow and there is the womens meeting as well. we had the electrician come and do the sump pump today and the stover guy (liner dudes) informed us that there is a pinhole leak under the kitchen sink, so the plummer will be here tomorrow as well. lots of fun. we have not finished painting the kitchen and wes still has not called a realtor. we did get rid of the old washer and dryer today scrapped it and got a whopping 1.20!! then passed a sign saying "we buy appliances" cest la vie!!
gratitude list to keep me where my feet are;
1. today i am grateful i haven't relapsed.
2. today i am grateful i am still alive.
3. today i am grateful i give back to my community.
4. today i am grateful for my new home group.
5. today i am grateful for my family.
i don't think i need to elaborate on how much i love my girls, that is pretty self explanitory when you read my posts, i love to wake up each morning and work the pain out of my back so i can be with my babies. they are such a gift and truly bless me everyday with their loving smiles. today they were outside playing and gillybean called to haley and said "come on haley!" then she grabbed her big sisters hand and they started running together. it was so sweet to watch them. i am so grateful for my life today. todays thought; "Be aware of wonder. Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some."-Robert Fulghum

Today, Just Rambling

Life isn't always beautiful. I can attest to that. I haven't been to the gym all week, I missed meetings I was supposed to go to. My sponsor has not called me back and I have left a couple of messages asking her to. I have not had a full nights sleep all week and I am dragging butt today. My am I tired, I am grateful though it is a good tired. My oldest will be going to see the child psychologist or what ever it is called this afternoon. I am so overwhelmed with the amount of doctors appointments I called a friend in recovery to talk about it since I could not get a hold of my sponsor.
I have fresh roasted coffee from Uganda. Coffee is good, I love my coffee. My boyfriend is a home roaster and we just had some wonderful Guatemalan coffee. He says friends don't let friends drink Folgers. Coffee helps so much, especially when you are blessed with really good coffee, and I must say I am truly blessed. As weary as I feel I am not complaining, it is just the way I get it all out of my head to get my life in perspective. My oldest let me hold her last night to comfort her. I think she might just be coming around, a little. I have hope that maybe some anti- anxiety medication in place of everything else she has been taking might actually help. my fear is that I will not ask the right questions or that maybe I will cave into what the doctor thinks is 'best'. I really want to try a very mild medication something to just calm her down enough so she can apply new coping skills. If that doesn't work then I would be willing to try something else. So I am a little anxious, especially since she is still in extreme pain from the costochondritis and I can't make the pain go away. A lot of the pain though is from all this anxiety, so all we can do is wait and see how it goes today.
My dear friend, Darra from "Life as I know it" is in a lot of pain today as well. She is dealing with her little girls birthday today. Her little girl died so very, very young you can read her story if you click on the link. Please keep her in your prayers she is going to be having a rough week.
So I know I am blessed, I have never had do say goodbye to my babies. I am blessed with being able to be honest and just get this out of my head. I do still need a meeting though and I will go tonight. I might even get to the gym this afternoon. My honey told me to take a nap with the kids today, I might just try that too. So even though I am weary, all is not lost. I have hope, and if nothing else I get to read how everybody else is doing in my blogging community and I wish you all a great day too. I really love the poetry and witty writing that everyone does.
One thing I haven't talked about is my little brother, and I know he has been a pressing issue as well. I know I am powerless but I still worry so I think maybe I will share a little about him in tonight's blog, just to get it all out.
I have such a beautiful life and sometimes it makes me feel guilty because I watch those around me struggle and go through hardships and it gives me gratitude and guilt at the same time. You know like I don't deserve all this good stuff. and I should not complain because I am so lucky in life. So I am really not complaining I am really just putting it into perspective, because I do have it good today and I am very grateful for that. Thanks for listening, today's thought;"It's not the load that brings you down. It's the way you carry it"--Barbara Johnson