so here i sit alone in front of this computer, my honey in KC and he won't be back for a week. i could not sleep well last night. co-dependant. i need to get to the gym this morning. i will be going to a meeting though i don't know where.
plans for the wedding are moving forward. i have found some gorgeous dresses online now i need to go in and try some on so i can see if i like them. my brother has left town, he spent the last couple of weeks in the hospital and now he is on a huge pity pot and i really have a lot of compassion for him but it sucks that there really is nothing i can do to help him. he cannot stay here. we are trying, still, to sell this place. he has worse behavioral problems than i do. i see the rage and anger in him, it is all he can hold on to. i know that feeling all too well. probably why i feel so much for him. it made me sad because we were having such a good time planning thanksgiving together, he was normal for about 2 weeks then he just spiralled out of control. he created such madness in his reality and he let it go on for days. when i had my moments of madness it only lasted a few hours thank god. i see his madness and recognise it. and no one else does, except for Wes. i am grateful for my therapy. i am grateful for my recovery. i have not acted out in my behaviors in quite sometime, not that i am not capable of doing so again, but today i am in a real safe place. i wish my brother could find such a place.
Christmas is coming and my house is full of cheer!! my children are going to see Santa on Wednesday. my Haley has one request from Santa this year. a real puppy. she says but mom i am ready for a real puppy i want a bowl to feed him and a leash to walk him. i told Wes that it was very important to her and when we do get one, it won't be this year, but when we do it will be a Christmas present. maybe if we are moved and settled in a bigger place next year would be better. so hopefully she won't be too disappointed this year. the bean of course wants a green unicorn!!! we are getting her a unicorn and putting a green scarf around it.
being on the hunt for a unicorn for Christmas really puts the season into perspective for me. family is so important and my little girls giggling down the hall is the most beautiful sound i know. Haley was running up and down the hall laughing the other night. just laughing. i told Wes that i never did that in my house, i was not happy. i am so grateful my children are happy, they want for nothing and love the simple things like puppies and unicorns. they love wearing princess dresses and playing together, i never had that when i was little, we all seemed to hate each other we were so jealous of each other.
so while half my heart is in Kansas City, i will fill out Christmas cards and go to the gym and hold down the fort. today's thought; "Life is lived forward, but understood backwards."- Bob B.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
just a quickie
so we went to a dinner party tonight and i really wanted to eat everything!! i didn't though but it was painful. so many carbs and i didn't have any. then today i got angry at my Haley shortly after my earlier post. i was really angry, and i sent her to her room. i got mad at myself for feeling that way, but i didn't act on it. then i called my sister to come help me. she did.
it is hard to stop doing something that feels so normal to do. i spent part of the day crying and i realized that i am upset about "A". she will be leaving soon. to start her life. she will be moving away and she won't be here any more. it will be so strange to not have her come home everyday. she will be out of state for 10 weeks for basic then about 20 weeks for job training. she will start college in Lawrence after that. we are still here in Wichita which is about 3 hours away. we want to move but you know how that is all going. we are looking at Topeka and that is still an hour away from her. i feel a loss. then at dinner tonight i was reminded by a good friend of mine, that at least she will still be here. i can still call her. my friend spent the day crying too. i felt so selfish at that moment. today marks the 6 month anniversary of her oldest child's death. i cannot believe it has been so long. i cannot believe i feel a loss. i feel fear that something will happen to her out there too. and i have my little ones here to love and play with.
this strange range of emotions that are coming out and for the first time i am really observing them. yes i got angry today, but Haley just saw me tell her to go to her room. then her aunt came over and i went to the store myself, without my girls. and part of me felt like a bad mother to need a break. my children need the outings too. my thoughts are all over the map right now. Wes is leaving on Sunday for a week, i have an Avon party scheduled so that will be lots of fun!! I don't know if i have enough room though!! i got 12 gals coming to my little bitty house!! maybe some will forget to show up!! well i do have bean bags!!
i just needed to get my thoughts out. i missed a meeting tonight because i wanted to spend time with Wes before he leaves. i hate it when he is gone. i love him so much.
my brother is gone towards Colorado. i won't be seeing him for the rest of the holidays he said. his life is a shambles and he is on one big pity pot right now. and i can't fix it. but it is my girls bedtime. so i must sign off for the night.
may you all have a wonderful weekend, i think of you guys often i will stop by in the morning and try to catch up a bit. thank you for sticking around, i appreciate my online buddies so much!!
it is hard to stop doing something that feels so normal to do. i spent part of the day crying and i realized that i am upset about "A". she will be leaving soon. to start her life. she will be moving away and she won't be here any more. it will be so strange to not have her come home everyday. she will be out of state for 10 weeks for basic then about 20 weeks for job training. she will start college in Lawrence after that. we are still here in Wichita which is about 3 hours away. we want to move but you know how that is all going. we are looking at Topeka and that is still an hour away from her. i feel a loss. then at dinner tonight i was reminded by a good friend of mine, that at least she will still be here. i can still call her. my friend spent the day crying too. i felt so selfish at that moment. today marks the 6 month anniversary of her oldest child's death. i cannot believe it has been so long. i cannot believe i feel a loss. i feel fear that something will happen to her out there too. and i have my little ones here to love and play with.
this strange range of emotions that are coming out and for the first time i am really observing them. yes i got angry today, but Haley just saw me tell her to go to her room. then her aunt came over and i went to the store myself, without my girls. and part of me felt like a bad mother to need a break. my children need the outings too. my thoughts are all over the map right now. Wes is leaving on Sunday for a week, i have an Avon party scheduled so that will be lots of fun!! I don't know if i have enough room though!! i got 12 gals coming to my little bitty house!! maybe some will forget to show up!! well i do have bean bags!!
i just needed to get my thoughts out. i missed a meeting tonight because i wanted to spend time with Wes before he leaves. i hate it when he is gone. i love him so much.
my brother is gone towards Colorado. i won't be seeing him for the rest of the holidays he said. his life is a shambles and he is on one big pity pot right now. and i can't fix it. but it is my girls bedtime. so i must sign off for the night.
may you all have a wonderful weekend, i think of you guys often i will stop by in the morning and try to catch up a bit. thank you for sticking around, i appreciate my online buddies so much!!
has it really been 3 weeks?!?!
wow where does the time go!? seriously so my online journal update is as follows;
black Friday was amazing!! we got mom the tv and she is going to be shocked!! my "A" got a beautiful new 3/4 length coat and some clothes. the lines were long but in my town at least people were very friendly. i had a lot of fun with my sister and was disappointed to hear all the drama that went around at other sales around the country. Americans are a very selfish bunch.
so "A" went to the KU campus visit and it went well she scored extremely well on her asfabs and is now strongly considering the Army National Guard and ROTC for her future. College will be paid for!!! She had a recruit come by just last night and they cleared a lot of the fog and we are now moving forward for her!! She bombed on her first ACT so she is taking it again next week and has applied for KU.
My tree is up and it looks fabulous!! Thanksgiving came and it went and i am glad it is over. My baby brother had a major meltdown and was in the hospital for over a week. I had lamb on the menu and he knows how to cook it, but since he was on the hospital I did the best I could and it was very, very mediocre. So for Christmas we will probably have prime rib. BEEF, it's what's for dinner!!
my little ones have a birthday coming up in a couple of weeks, my garden has completely come down. duh, I have a wonderful set of icicle lights up and some happy snowmen out in the yard and it is very festive!! I am so excited about Christmas!!
The wedding is set for February 11, 2012. That will give us a year to budget everything and I will have my ring this February!! We are saving the extra money for it so we don't go into what we already have saved. I am shopping for dresses now and I still have 30 pounds to lose but I am confidant that i can do it.
I need to get to the gym now I have a huge honey do list today and i am hungry, back on my diet, I haven't gained any weight but I haven't lost any in a couple of months. So i am restricting my intake a bit.
today's thought; "Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but look around in awareness."- James Thurber
black Friday was amazing!! we got mom the tv and she is going to be shocked!! my "A" got a beautiful new 3/4 length coat and some clothes. the lines were long but in my town at least people were very friendly. i had a lot of fun with my sister and was disappointed to hear all the drama that went around at other sales around the country. Americans are a very selfish bunch.
so "A" went to the KU campus visit and it went well she scored extremely well on her asfabs and is now strongly considering the Army National Guard and ROTC for her future. College will be paid for!!! She had a recruit come by just last night and they cleared a lot of the fog and we are now moving forward for her!! She bombed on her first ACT so she is taking it again next week and has applied for KU.
My tree is up and it looks fabulous!! Thanksgiving came and it went and i am glad it is over. My baby brother had a major meltdown and was in the hospital for over a week. I had lamb on the menu and he knows how to cook it, but since he was on the hospital I did the best I could and it was very, very mediocre. So for Christmas we will probably have prime rib. BEEF, it's what's for dinner!!
my little ones have a birthday coming up in a couple of weeks, my garden has completely come down. duh, I have a wonderful set of icicle lights up and some happy snowmen out in the yard and it is very festive!! I am so excited about Christmas!!
The wedding is set for February 11, 2012. That will give us a year to budget everything and I will have my ring this February!! We are saving the extra money for it so we don't go into what we already have saved. I am shopping for dresses now and I still have 30 pounds to lose but I am confidant that i can do it.
I need to get to the gym now I have a huge honey do list today and i am hungry, back on my diet, I haven't gained any weight but I haven't lost any in a couple of months. So i am restricting my intake a bit.
today's thought; "Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but look around in awareness."- James Thurber
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