Monday, January 31, 2011

finally got my pictures scanned in!!

 4 years old!! i finally got them together for a photo shoot!!! haley turned 5 the day after these pictures were taken so technically they were both still twins at 4 years old. i only ordered the two poses plus one with all of us, for some reason blogger wouldn't load it. then when i went to pic up my pictures, the lady said they had printed some extras and if i wanted them they would only cost me an additional $20.00!! extortionist!! she was going to throw them away!! look below and tell me if you would let her throw these away!!!

Pictures speak a thousand words, and these sisters are forever. 

so we had a wonderful weekend, now we were promised snow and ice, the rest of kansas has been shut down but poor wichita, nothing. no ice, no snow and they were boasting 12 inches last night, yeah right maybe for the rest of the state, but as far as wichita is concerned, forget it. we will be lucky to make a snow ball!! my ring has been ordered and i am waiting very, very impatiently for it. my car was fixed it only cost 100 bucks so we decided to try to get another 10,000 miles out of her and trade her in next year for a new car. we will save for a good down payment and have it paid for in a couple of years. i like the corolla, 35mpg it is cute i told him i want a red or blue one and next year we can get this years model for under 15,000. they start at 19,000 now but they will clearance out all of this years stock to make room for new cars. so exciting the thought of a new car, i don't mind waiting.

today's thought; "Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings."- Arthur Rubinstein

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

my sisters issue with aging

here is my sister and her husband. today she turns 40 years old. don't tell her that i told you. last night my honey and i went over to her house in the middle of the night and decorated it with banners and streamers and balloons. we put yard signs that read 'over the hill' and balloons said the same thing, we posted a big sign on the back of her car that said candida is 40!! she went outside this morning and was like 'Someone toilet papered my house!!'

she thought it was toilet paper!! i didn't toilet paper her house!! she has no clue who did this and she was mad!! her kids were singing 'mommy's over the hill!! mommys over the hill!!'

so i pranked my sister!! she doesn't read blogs so she won't read this and she still don't know who did it!! her whole neighborhood knows her age!!

'happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to candida!!!!! happy birthday to you!! and many more!!!

he, he, he, he stealth like ningas!!!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

some weekend tidbits

pittsburg and greenbay huh. i was kind of hoping to see the bears make it through. well for sports fans everywhere the big game is quickly upon us and we can only wonder what kind of raunch the commercials will bring!! that is the whole point of the game isn't it? to see the commercials, i mean come on, why would girls be into football, a bunch of men in tights, bent over, touching each other.... hey maybe i will watch the game!!

on to more important stuff, Richard winters passed away, he was the commanding officer of easy company. the one featured in the movie band of brothers. he lead his men into battle on d-day and many other perilous journeys. there was no media, no news clips played on fox news, no interviews like with Larry king. just a quiet service for an American hero. in more popular news jack lalaine passed away. he was an amazing man. if it wasn't for him people would have never believed in exercise!! he started the fitness craze before there was a fitness craze. the first juicer. the one who showed what longevity in life could look like if one took care of themselves. he has changed many lives, but not as many as captain winters.

i speak of death today because my van is sick. it may be time to get a new one. it is a 2001 dodge caravan. 182,000+ miles. the oil light has been coming on for over a week now so we took her in and got the oil change and a tune up done on Saturday. her oil light is still coming on. only when i come to a stop and idle the engine. then when i start to drive it shuts off. not good. may need a new engine in which case will need a new car. while the thought of a new car is attractive to me, my old car has been with me for 8 years. i bought her in '03. at an auction for 5000. her blue book at the time was 11,000. so i got a good deal. i looked last night and saw some 07 Honda's and they wanted like 16000 for them!! i can get a new one for that much!! come on. i don't even want to think about it. this was my mothers car. i have not had anything this long except my oldest daughter. it is sad to me the thought of not being able to fix her. my car that is. i really would like a newer car but not at the expense of losing this one. it has been a great vehicle and gone through my addiction at it's worst and still survived. i brought my two children home from the hospital in this car, been through two sets of infant seats, then car seats and now booster seats. this car drove my mother to the hospital i don't know how many times, and drove me to her funeral as well. it drove me to the spot on the vermilion river where we took and scattered her and my fathers ashes. it was part of the Oregon trail where people used to pay to ferry across the river over a hundred years ago. it took me to my first meeting in recovery.

and i will call the shop and take it in for a diagnostic. it will either be good or bad, most likely because of the age of the car, it will need a new engine. we will decide weather or not to trade it in, we will look at shiny new cars that are pretty and good on gas, we will pick one and this van will be gone. there will be no big deal it is just an old vehicle that has run it's course.

and i will remember, that this was my mothers car. and i will move on, just like with mom. what else is there to do. i guess this is me coming to a surrender and acceptance that the last piece of working memory of my mother is finally coming to an end. i really feel close to her in the car. i feel safe in that car. and in the end, it is just a car.... and i will remember my connection with my mother.

today's thought; "When we are connected to others, we become better people."- Randy Pausch

Friday, January 21, 2011

Flash Fiction Friday- nothing to say

every Friday write a short story poem or prose
in 55 words, no more no less, then report it to the g-man!!

"sitting here texting with nothing to say
wondering what will happen to light up my day

spending hours pondering on clever lines
reaching and grasping for any sign

maybe today i will write something witty
nothing too crass, overbearing or gritty

one thing to remember for every Friday
g-man always has something good to say"

here you go g-man, can't believe it is Friday already. I almost forgot to post. This weekend i am raising funds for my shindig in March. We are a minority voice and this is a real long shot, but one that i believe is well worth the effort. we are starting a 'grassroots' movement in the fellowship and hope that we can get more members on board every day. if this moves forward, we will have been the forming committee on the first US Fellowship Committee!! some of our members in this movement have over 40 years clean!! Wes was on a call the other night, a conference call and he had the least amount of clean time on the call, and he has 20 years!! There is no US delegate committee or service conference of any kind, if we can get the states united, we can do things like start a national 800 hotline which would save groups thousands of dollars every year!! i am so excited to be a part of this, even with opposition, which scares the crap out of me. so Saturday and Sunday are booked solid, then next week we have birthday meetings, then we have regionals coming and then the shindig and convention after that. somewhere in there i may actually get an engagement ring!! life is non stop busy and fun, this morning my 4 year old washed dishes while my 5 year old made toast for her breakfast. growing up way too fast if you ask me. my oldest still needs a prom dress, her military ball is on valentines day and she needs a gown, we ordered one on formal exchange and the gal just told her she would refund her money as she no longer has the dress!! if anyone has a formal dress around size 14-16, full length let me know. i don't think we will try that site again as it is just like looking at candy in a candy store and being a diabetic!! speaking of that my sugars are still at 6!! i was devastated but i have been to the gym 4 times this week and while i am disappointed that i cannot eat anything yummy, and i am having the worst cravings ever, i am still pushing forward with my diet and exercise. i know that is the best that i can do for myself.
I will stop by this morning with some fresh Uganda coffee to see how everyone fared from this weeks installment of FFF55!!

today's thought; "What is defeat? Nothing but the first step to something better."- Wendell Phillips

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

this could happen to anyone

It  could happen to any of us... 

$5.37!  That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco   Bell said to  me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some  lint and two dimes  and   something  that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already  handed the   kid  a five-spot, I started to head back out to the  truck to grab  some  change  when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the  hardest thing  anyone   has  ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just  give you the  senior   citizen  discount."

I turned to see who he was  talking to and then heard the sound  of   change  hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68"  he said   cheerfully.

I  stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?  A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my  burrito and walked out to the truck wondering  what was wrong    with  Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my  blood began to   boil.  Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I  opened the door and headed back inside.  I   strode  to the counter, and there he was waiting with a  smile.

Before I could say a word, he held  up something and jingled it  in   front  of me, like I could be that easily distracted!  What am I now?  A   toddler?

"Dude!  Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I  stared with   utter  disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in  my mind.

"Leaving keys behind hardly  makes a man elderly! It could happen to  anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the  truck. I slipped the key into  the    ignition,  but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my  keys and tried   another.  Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the  purple beads hanging from my rear view  mirror.    I  had no purple beads hanging from my rear view  mirror.

Then, a few other objects came  into focus. The car seat in the  back   seat.  Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.  A partially   eaten  doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than  you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the  alien vehicle.

Moments later I was  speeding out of the parking lot, relieved  to   finally  be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.  That is when I   felt  it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My  stomach growled   and  churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only  it was nowhere to
be found.

I swung  the truck around, gathered my courage, and  strode back  into   the  restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood,  draped in youth  and   black  nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the  world coming   to?"

All  I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink  in here"? At  this   point  I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back  to my vehicle,   and  then go straight home and apply for Social  Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I  walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a  young   lad  came up and tugged on my jeans to get my  attention. He was  holding   up  a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I  think you left this in
my truck by  mistake."

I took the food and drink from  the little boy and sheepishly  apologized.

She offered these kind words:  "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff  like   this  all the time."

All of this is to explain  how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes,  I   was  racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.  And no, I told  the   officer,  I'm not too old to be driving this  fast.

As I walked in the front door, my  wife met me halfway down the hall.  I   handed  her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding  ticket. I  promptly   sat  in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with  a blankey.

The good news was I had  successfully found my way home..

todays thought: "It is always good when you can find something to laugh about."- me again

Monday, January 17, 2011

ramblings of a clean addict

 hey i got to g-man first tonight?!? where is everybody?

so super busy weekend leads to breakdown on monday. i lost it today had a melt down with wes before he left for work. over losing a dish scrubber!! i just got so overwhelmed and tired and wanted my dish scrubber so i could wash dishes and started yelling and cussing. he ask me why was i yelling and i screamed back 'I DON'T KNOW!!' how does that man put up with me. i went to my room and yelled at him to just go to work and i sat there angry, and alone for a while.

then a few minutes later i went straight to the gym. thank god the girls weren't home. i got done with the gym came home had to shower quickly so i could go to the Hyatt for a meeting. we are having a service conference there in March and we needed to ask some questions about what would or would not be allowed. i don't like that we are at the Hyatt. to me it is not prudent but it is what was decided on as the venue. and guess who's name is on the contract for the room block??? yeah i am a little nervous about sticking my neck out here. this is a very fast moving conference and if i don't meet the 80% which is 24 room nights by the 15th of February it is my butt needing to pay that to the hotel.

i really believe in this project we are working on. i trust in this process, and i feel very alone in my fellowship right now. i can't even talk with my sponsor about this because she is at odds with this service venture. she talks very condescending to me, very mistrusting in what my view on it is. i try to talk to her and just can't stand how she is being. so i called another sister in recovery to discuss this as we share the same sponsor and she does not co sign my b.s. she told me to allow our sponsor time for this to sink in, she said our sponsor is having trouble right now separating me as her sponsee and the way she feels about this project. she also said she is really looking forward to this conference and if i needed to talk to call her. our sponsor would come around.

i am very anxious still. there are so many things swirling in my head and i haven't had a decent nights sleep in about a week. that contributes to my restlessness and moodiness.

i went to the doctor to have my A1C's checked and they left this hideous mark on my arm, worse than any time i shot up dope!! i hate seeing it there it really bothers me. it has been a while since i have felt this restless so i am grateful. i know that my recovery and therapy are doing wonders for me. i strongly apologized to wes tonight. i hate treating him badly, he does not deserve it.

so i am doing the treasury, po box, and registration plus artwork for this event. if it moves forward then it will lead to the creation of a united states service conference that would be historic and monumental. we had a planning meeting yesterday and 8 people showed up to help. today we went to the hyatt and found out more stuff. i got the minutes done from yesterdays meeting and we will meet again on sunday. this deal is set for the first weekend in march so we only have a few weeks but we will have members from all over the united states coming here. so it is really exciting. i am really excited and scared. i really would like to see this move forward in a positive way... but i guess more will be revealed.

thanks for letting me vent a bit, i forgot how much it helps to write this down. again this is the venture that i am standing on my own two feet with. i am standing for my convictions even when those i trust do not necessarily feel the same way. i feel i am doing the right thing for the right reason. my fear is, i have been here before and failed. only on a much smaller scale. so again here is my quote for today..

"May I always be inspired by my failures then by the fears that keep me from trying."-me

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Flash Fiction Friday- a moment of silence

every friday write a short story, poem, prose or 
limerick of 55 words, no more, no less and then report it to the G-man!!!

have you ever sat in silence and listened to angels sing
trusting in your faith so blind and feeling invisible wings

 i feel it beating softly behind my ears
this serenity brings me to tears

a moment of silence each night i cherish
one hit is all it will take for all this to perish

here you go g-man i am heading to a meeting tonight, the first one since my birthday. i will get my hug and  share a bit of how i did it. the big night will come on the first friday of february when i go and celebrate with two other women in the program. they also celebrate 6 years in the month of january they are my clean time buddies. it is a special thing to have them in my life today. my favorite sound is that moment of silence, we take at every meeting, to pray, to hope, to listen, to ask. that moment of silence got me in the rooms and saved my life. it is that moment where anything is possible. remember that feeling? that time when you felt like the world was out there and you could do anything? i feel that today and everyday as i learn to stand in my own truth, it is not easy, it is scary but it feels good. different. and good. if i am restless tonight i will stop by and check out all the players, if not i will stop by during coffee in the morning.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


important message, the following has been collected from some reluctant airline passengers since the new screening laws went into effect. remember this is all ACCURATE information that the Taliban doesn't want you to know. REMEMBER this the next time you make travel arrangements by plane!! REMEMBER only you can prevent forest fires.

the following is year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security. Here are their "discoveries".

  1. Terrorist Plots Discovered                  0
  2. Transvestites                                      133
  3. Hernias                                            1,485
  4. Hemorrhoid Cases                         3,172
  5. Enlarged Prostates                       8,249
  6. Breast Implants                           59,350
  7. Natural Blonde's                                   3

Now that you see the proof, for yourself, that homeland security works. it raises the awareness that there are 3 times as many enlarged prostate cases as there are hernias. men, get yourself checked out. and if you are too scared to go to the doctor, go to Aruba. book a flight, the Department of Homeland Security is looking out for YOU!!

 I guess September was a great awareness campaign after all!! we are looking at our second 'snow day' in a row here, and i don't know why. not much on the ground but they say it is going to get cold. i have 3 little girls playing in the room together and my honey went to bed and i have laundry to put away and newsletters to pack to ship. i have been so busy with this new service project that i haven't had time for much else. i am getting real anxious for my ring. i can't wait to see it on my hand.

for today's thought; "Fearlessness is not he absence of fear. It is the mastery of fear. It's about getting up one more time than we fall down."- Arianna Huffington

Saturday, January 8, 2011

january 8, 2011

a lot of historic things happened on january 8.

1. elvis presley, the King of Rock and Roll was born.
2. we held the first planning meeting for an historic event for my national fellowship today
3. i got clean 6 years ago today.

simply grateful, for everything...

Thursday, January 6, 2011

flash Fiction Friday- our moments, again

Flash fiction friday;
Every Friday write a short story, poem or prose, of
55 words, no more, no less and then report it to the g-man!!

'today as i watch you sleep soundly in bed
passion fills my heart and swirls in my head

my days are so filled with children crying and house cleaning
sometimes i will wonder, where is the meaning

and each night as we lay together again
my hearts light with relief ready to begin again'

 here you go g-man, OK so i am feeling a little corny for today's flash fiction, it is just where i am. isolated from a lot of the world and living with this wonderful family free from chaos and animosity. i am very grateful for my life today. there is a lot of peace here in my heart. thank you to all who have made such a wonderful contribution to me through this blog. i get more from you guys than my real life friends and that is the truth. i think and hope that i will always find time for this blog and stopping by to check on you guys is a must for me in the morning. i am tired from a long day today. the kids were extra whiny and i don't know why but we played outside in the most beautiful January weather i have seen in a long time. and there is snow in our future they say. i guess time will tell. lucky for us we have wonderful coats to get us through the rough weather. so for today's thought;

"To swear off making mistakes is easy. All you have to do is swear off having ideas."- Leo Burnett

Monday, January 3, 2011


well i hope everyone survived the holiday weekend. we had very little happen here, i shared my story at an NA meeting and we came home and watched 'Inglorious Basterds' great movie. 

now i am troubled, i have money worries and every time i try to talk to wes he gives me cryptic answers. again my solution is to get a part time job. the things on my list are getting an engagement ring. i got the dress and it is fabulous. i tried looking up high yielding savings accounts but the highest out there are only at 1.09 percent which doesn't make much money, these damn primerica people keep telling me that your money will make you a millionaire and i need to put it into these accounts that make a lot of money, but i think those are off in the land of unicorns and princesses. seriously.

so wes tells me he has not saved anything for my ring. i know nothing of our money. i feel like he is afriad to include me as i have had trouble with talking about finances in the past, it is a trigger that makes me feel worthless. so we have therapy today. and that has me worried. i really don't want to hear that we can't afford this, when i think we can. really i do. i am not that in the dark on money and i know i am not spending money, i am scrimping every dime we got. then he says he wants to get a Wii!?!? excuse me, not until i get my ring thank you very much.

and really that is the nut of the wedding, because the cake is being made by a fabulous woman who loves us and is only charging me the cost of supplies for the cake, we still don't know where it is going to be and we may be moving to colorado, which really, really excites me!!

on to other developments, since i started this post this morning we went and bought me a new phone. similar to my daughters old phone but less expensive. now i feel guilty. we had therapy and i feel a lot better about our finances than earlier. wes and i are going to sit down and figure out a monthly budget, i am going to start, well i already do, tracking all my spending. it is easy since all i get are groceries. i went and added up the money spent on christmas and we were under budget. i am proud of that. i feel bad about getting a phone like my daughters. there is nothing i can do about it. my phone needed the speaker phone on to have a conversation so everyone could hear whoever i was talking to. we exchanged it 2 times and it never worked right. so wes tried to get t-mobile to unlock our razor phones and they spent three days giving him the run around then he was on the phone this morning with 3 different people who all told him they were not unlocking the phones. even though they are legally obligated to they won't. and they know nobody is going to go through the trouble of a lawsuit over a phone that is worth less than 30 bucks. that is what it would cost to unlock it by someone else. phone companies suck.

so it is off to bed with me, i am tired, long day. i guess that leaves me with today's thought or a few words of advise when chasing down green unicorns in the land of princesses; 
"Never play leap frog with a unicorn."- author unknown