Thursday, September 30, 2010

Flash Fiction Friday

every Friday write a short story, poem or prose and then
report it to the g-man!!

'thoughts swirl and flow as they sting inside
feelings too real nowhere to hide
try to reason and it makes no sense at all
like quicksand the fear reigns on, there is no one to call
i would like to say it gets better with time
but to lie so easily is such a crime'

this is what it is like inside the head of a borderline personality. this is my 55, my story today. it comes in furious and leaves everyone with a scar. to say i understand this is a lie, i am just at the beginning of my journey with this beast, i hope i survive. today is so much better and i need to focus on now, but the pain and shame it leaves me with, is too much to just let go without at least giving it some respect, so as not to get so complacent that i may forget what may come. i don't want to dwell, i want to look at it and learn from it, so it does not become who i want to be.

i am excited to not be diabetic today, i think i added a few years to my life with my new diet and exercise routine. that feels like a good accomplishment. i am proud that i did not settle for less when it came to my physical health and i have my recovery to thank for that, my recovery will get me through this as well. my recovery and my support group, including my blogging buddies. thank you guys for all your wonderful comments, they are truly, truly appreciated.

Good News!!

The Doctors office just called and told me that with how low my A1C's are that I am no longer considered diabetic!! I am still high risk but if i continue with what i am doing that will be gone in three months!!

So I am NOT DIABETIC anymore!!!! To be diabetic your A1C's are at 6.4 mine were at 6.7 3 months ago, today they are 6.0 i need them at 5.6 to be normal, I am almost there!!!

weekday update

feeling better. had a talk with Wes and while it did not sink in, he still said it and i need to hold on to that. he told me he loved me and it does not matter if the dishes are done or if he had a bad day at work or if the kids teeth are not brushed, that will not change the way he feels about me and he wants to marry me.

deep down it is what i want to hear and believe but i do not believe and not sure what will get me past that point. more therapy probably. he said he loves me and wants to walk with me through this therapy because he knows it is a terrible feeling to feel alone and unloved.

they say faith is blind, for me it is also deaf. i know i have faith, but i do not always hear or see the truth right in front of me. it takes me a while to catch up. it is like my heart does not hear the good. even if my head hears it my heart has this wall that takes longer to get the message.

today i am working a program of complete abstinence, but i ate an oreo, just one, it was not as good as i remember. then i called the doctor and found out that my A1C's were down to 6.0, that was the best news i had all week!! i need to get them down to 5.6 so in 3 months i will be diabetes free!! as long as i continue to go to the gym and stay away from starch and sugar!! it is working so far and i am very very pleased. also the doctor called me on July 8th. that was when i found out about diabetes. i took my A1C's on June 28th. so a whole week i was still eating sugar and starches. i dumped the sugar and sweets, dumped the bread and hit the gym. there was one week i did not go as the girls were sick. so all i have to do is stay on track, no more snacks as o have also dropped 5 more pounds this week. i stopped munching on almonds, and i know it is tough but i am OK and i know i can do this. if i drop 30 more pounds then i will be at my goal weight!!

went to the gym this morning and it feels good. now i am going to take my girls outside to play in this wonderful weather we are having. thanks for all your wonderful thoughts, i will stop by tonight and get some comments in. just didn't feel much like writing the past day or two.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

cycling again

you know this sucks. last night i was so angry with Wes i almost used.i left him and i wanted to find some dope. i would not answer the phone i  just went somewhere and parked and thought about forgetting every thing.

i feel like i am never going to get anywhere in this relationship. why because we are not married. also because he hates his life. he complains all the time about how much he hates this house. he goes online to look at nicer houses that we will never move into. he is disappointed in the financial situation. most of the time i am happy, but i guess for me this is the best life i have ever lived. what i see today is that i am bringing him down. he makes great money but it all goes to my girls and me. if we weren't here he would be able to afford his house and his boat. his home would not be a mess either.

i don't know it is like a broken record. i told him we were just hurting each other and he said it was the bpd. i told him we needed to end the relationship and he told me we needed to talk to my therapist together.

yesterday i had a hectic day. i went to the gym and then came home for lunch, then went to check my A1C's then get some groceries. i came home and had to help a friend. then i had 4 pm therapy. the dishes were not done, the laundry was piled by the gate, that is where i tell the girls to put it when they pick up the living room, i had not taken it to the garage. i guess "A" did not dump the potty chair while she was watching the girls and when he came home he was visible irritated. then i took "A" to her therapy and came home and he had kicked the clothes out into the middle of the floor!! i was like what is this? he said 'they were in my way' no they weren't. i said 'i hate it when you do this to me'. he said he didn't do anything to me. like if the clothes were bothering him he could have picked them up and taken them to the garage. he asked me what did i think he was trying to say, at this point i was livid. i said you are telling me 'fuck you suzie pick up the clothes' he said i never said f.u.' so then i cleaned the kitchen and yelled at him and asked him why the f. was he with me if he couldn't stand me and the way i kept house. it just got uglier.

when i was done i said i was leaving and taking the girls he said i was not taking them i said fine, grabbed my keys and purse and left, the girls were crying.

i know it was partially the bpd but part of it is a real issue that we never talk about. i am tired of not talking about it and i am tired of his passive aggressive behavior when he is upset. Mr. direct is not being so direct and then expects me to be perfectly direct.

i am just angry right now and i am resentful at him and he tells me he loves me and i feel nothing right now. i don't know what i feel right now it is just really uncomfortable. i am crawling out of my skin. i am going to get this house clean now so he has nothing to be upset about when he comes home. i can't let it go because it is unresolved. i hate myself when i am like this. i wish it would just stop.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Here it is, the new couch, used!!

 OK so here it is, the frame is a 1963 Broyhill, solid wood eight way hand tied coil construction. This fabric is chenille and the camera really shows the print, but it is darker then it looks.
 Kelly at Allen's Upholstery on Harry st. in Wichita Kansas completely stripped this frame and raised the couch about 3 inches. When Wes first sat in it his knees came up to his chest.
 Kelly ordered more wood and the new feet for the couch we picked out the fabric and gave him a picture of a couch Wes saw online and he almost duplicated the design perfectly!! He also made all the new cushions as well, this is like a completely new couch. The original frame was added on to to make it taller and bring up the arms as well.
He built up the front of the couch there it used to be real short. This couch sits high but it is comfortable, sturdy and heavy as all get out. Probably weighs about 160 pounds. He used new wood to reinforce the frame and this thing is almost 7 feet long so even Wes can lay completely on it and not hang off the end!! The cushions are firm and the stitching is amazing. It took him about four weeks to build this and they delivered. If we have a problem we know where to take it for repairs, i think this thing will last for quite a while, the only thing we will need to do is re-upholster in about 10 years!!

In fact Kelly the owner of the shop gave us this frame he had there and only charged us for the labor and parts. So if you are in need of new furniture, go to Allen's Upholstery on Harry in Wichita Kansas, they will treat you right and do a great job!!
We kept this old couch out of a landfill, we helped out the local economy and got a great deal, this was about 1,500 all together, now remember we bought a couch set, 3 piece for 800 at Sam's, the thing had a one year warranty and it ripped i pulled out the paper work and read if i had scotch guarded it would have voided the warranty, i was told scotch guard could ruin the fabric. Kelly tells me Scotch guard does not hurt good fabric and we could scotch guard this no problem, then we went looking for a new couch, i got my money back on the old one, we went to a store that had a leather couch for 1,600 i liked it a lot and it had a 7 year warranty and the sales lady said if there were any rips they would come out and fix them. Wes did not want to spend the money on something made in china. Then we went to another store and he found a set for 900, i did not want another crap set. Then Wes went online and found a leather couch at Sam's for 1,200 and asked if we could compromise, so I said OK and we ordered it. When it arrived 3 weeks later the seams were ripped and it was already showing signs of wear, so Wes sent it back. In every store we went it didn't matter if it was a 300 or 1500 dollar couch they were all the same, so we went to the upholstery shop. i really liked his price because we had gone to a fancy store that had this style of hand made construction but the couch was 3,000 bucks. His advise was to find an old frame and bring it to him and he could reupholster it for around 1,500. Well we could not find an old frame, we were told to find one more than 40 years old because they stopped making them in the US about then and they changed the way they constructed couches then as well. today they even use cardboard on the arms and a poly fill for cushions, which do not last, they go flat in about a year. But then we went back to Allen's and they showed us a really, really ugly torn up old couch in the back that they found and offered the frame to us. i wish i took my camera with me so you could see, it was hard to imagine the couch looking anything but like crap. But Kelly and his team did a fantastic job and if you haven't noticed i am plugging Allen's Furniture and Re upholstery at 2621 East Harry in Wichita Kansas. you can visit them at they are local and manufacture their stuff right here in America!! So if you live near Kansas I recommend checking them out for you furnishing needs!!

Today's thought: "Quit shipping our jobs over seas you corporate bullies!!"- me

Sunday, September 26, 2010

my little smiles

 here they are at the library
 they love it when i take their pictures
 they are growing so fast
 this morning they attacked me when they saw the camera
 can anyone say 'cheese'?
 morning smiles
this is my gratitude. thank you all for your wonderful comments, i am doing much better. i am glad i have an outlet for my thoughts.

i read an article about a woman who killed 2 of her 5 children by locking them up for ten hours in a closet so she could smoke crack. my girls smile and have full little tummies. i read another one where a 12 pound four year old was emaciated when authorities found him, all the nieghbors said she was a good mother. my children love to eat apple jacks and blow bubbles. i often wonder why there are those who think abortion is murder but post partum depression is an excuse to kill your children.

i am so glad that i am clean today. i am so glad my children are happy and healthy. may we all be so blessed.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

manic day

yesterday was so emotional for me. i couldn't shake it. i spent half the day crying, the other half screaming in rage. i wished someone was here to help me, but no one came.

i kept telling myself there was no reason to yell at my babies, then i would break down crying. in the past i would find one thing to focus my anger on and i didn't even know it. like the time i decided i was leaving Wes and packed the girls up in the van but had no where to go. it was the same thing but it had no focus. i kept derailing it and i would end up on the couch crying.

i am just trying to make sense of this. i know now that i have borderline personality disorder. i also have post traumatic stress disorder. i am in therapy for both. so today i can recognise the symptoms as they arise. but i do not know what to do with them. even though this blog is on the Internet it feels so safe for me to use it as an outlet.

the tools i learned in therapy helped me some yesterday but i still went through a living hell. my thoughts were black and angry. i thought about suicide and leaving and how i was all alone and no one understood me. i called Wes at work to try to calm down and it helped. i wanted to ask him to come home so i was not alone but he has to work and that was not something i thought was an option. not realistic. so my rational brain is starting to function, because i was thinking rational thoughts during this crisis. never had that happen before. the difference between someone who has bipolar disorder and someone with borderline personality disorder (bpd) is that someone with bipolar disorder they cycle similar to this but it lasts for weeks or months. with bpd it lasts a few hours to a day or two. and when i read that it described me perfectly.

today i am much better. last night i cried in the shower and when Wes came home he asked me to call my therapist and my sponsor, and i listened. that was a first. so i know this therapy is working. i called them both and left messages. my therapist called me back. she told me with all the extensive therapy i am doing there are going to be days when i feel flooded like this. it used to be i was irrationally angry at something someone said. my bpd would latch on to something to be angry at and that was my focus. yesterday, i would get angry and then my rational brain would say, 'suzie that is not right, you can't be angry like this it doesn't make sense.' then i would cry for being that angry at my children, they were the only ones around. then it would flare back up again.

my ptsd therapist gave me some grounding techniques to practice, and i forgot to use them yesterday. i am better today. i am not alone either. i am grateful today. i can breathe. relax. i am ok today.
thanks for stopping by.

today's thought; "Facing it, always facing it, that is the way to get through. Face it." Joseph Conrad

Friday, September 24, 2010

Flash Fiction Friday- 'can we have this?'

   Every Friday  write a short story, limerick or prose of 55 words no more, no less and report it to  the g-man!!

"rows of colors so bright and new
longing to know if we have some could too
never allowed because we have no money
always the answer, maybe next time honey
i look at my children today so blessed
they don't have to go with anything less
we're able to give them their wants without stress"

here you go g-man, my children were my muse today. we went shopping for groceries yesterday and i let them pick out their snacks and cereal. my mom's mantra used to be 'we can't afford that.' today i put things on the grocery list for my children, never knew that was kosher. for some reason my parents didn't have money but they both had well paying jobs, today i know they were terrible at finances and priorities. also today i know i am blessed in the 'new detroit' because my honey doesn't work for the aircraft industry. though it does mean we will be relocating to another part of the state or maybe a different state, but we will be OK. Wichita is losing more jobs today, and you all know i love our president. but he needs to make it a crime to ship our jobs out of the country. he really needs to kick that up a bit. Cessna negotiated a bullshit contract that was voted down 4 days ago but the union did not have enough votes to strike, so the contract was accepted by default. 3 days later they sent out 700 notices, we didn't see that one coming  did we. now we see Cessna has a new factory loaded with equipment and ready to go in Mexico... hmm Wichita the next Detroit Michigan. this nonsense has to stop. i can see the headlines now. OK i am off my soapbox now.
i hope everyone has a wonderful weekend i am fully booked again!! one day it will slow down.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

do we really need all these social medias


remember that Huey Lewis song? sometimes i feel like the Internet is my new drug. i started this blog a couple of years ago and when i did i tried new things, i went and got a twitter account, i started writing on wellesphere, i even opened a facebook account. there is also a place called 'in the rooms' where i dabbled a bit. all of these social media sites are there to help us feel less isolated.

silly but i guess going outside would do the same thing, if i ever got my butt off the computer chair and did just that!! so how could i possible be less isolated? well i stopped twittering i kept getting girls wanting me to check out their hot new website. i still have the account though. i stopped posting on wellesphere. i thought it was a health blog site but everyone who wants to be my friend is single and wants me to send them a picture of myself. to get to know me?!? then i felt like the 'in the rooms' was a total violation of the 11th tradition and blowing anonymity way out of the water. i don't go there any more.

lately i have taken to facebook, i used to just read up on my friends and then call them to see how they were doing. i think my big mistake was allowing too many people to be my friend. people i know because i met them once at a meeting or convention. what i have learned in the last few days is people on facebook spend way too much time on there and they are very, very judgemental. it is like a social sound board where the anonymity of being on the Internet allows you to be a complete ass.

in the last couple of days i have deleted 2 friends and reset my settings to private where only my friends can see my information. i am thinking about closing my face book page down completely. people go there to bash others and make them feel bad, cyber bullying is not reserved for young kids and that is repulsive to me. it is like people go there to behave badly to each other. i just don't like it.

these normal rational people that i know face to face become these really nasty judgemental imbeciles online. you know that brad paisley song  'i'm so much better online' not in kansas baby!! i even have had people be critical of what i posted on there, and not in a constructive way. and i think wow this person doesn't know me but just judged me. here is an example;

i posted that i was going to get my diet back on track, no snacks so what i ate that day was morning; protein shake, lunch two shrimp wraps with low carb tortillas and for dinner turkey burgers and creamed veggies. and someone commented to me that tortillas are high in fat. i thought well obviously this person does not know me, because i am using no starch and fat free tortillas the only ones in this state i have found that are one point on weight watchers, mama lupes low carb tortillas. they are fat free and have 3 net carbs.

you know i just don't have to explain that on this blog. my readers, 99 percent of whom i never even met, you don't judge me, you help me with your insights and cheering me on to lose weight and give me 'atta girl!' and if i don't like what you say i simply delete the comment, which i only did to one person but he was a nut job and accidentally once to a real good comment.

i don't know, i think i really like this blog, this is good enough for social media to me. the people who follow me do so because they like what i say. they give me great feedback. they even take the time to catch up if they haven't been around. it feels like a virtual family on blogger, we look out for one another. we send each other things, we pray for each other when we are hurting and we laugh together when we are happy.

you know i personally know 148 people on facebook, i have met them shared with them face to face, i have spent real time with them, and yet i don't feel like i know them when they are on face book. they are not the people i thought they were. i have never met my followers on blogger, but i feel like i know you guys and it feels good. i guess i gotta stop chasing the Internet dragon, i got the good stuff right here.

today's thought; "One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching."- anonymous.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

tuesday thoughts

got up early today, actually had some quiet time with my bloggers and had a chance to comment. i feel better then yesterday, i went to the gym last night and it felt good. i haven't lost any more weight but i haven't gained either. there is a man on my roof right now checking for hail damage.

my bean did not cough last night!! hooray, we are heading to the gym as soon as breakfast is over. then i have to mail my newsletters out and get some laundry done. i need to mow the yard and get some dinner out for tonight.

Haley had a nightmare about 3 in the morning and screamed "DADDY!" he jumped out of bed in a flash!! bless her heart she needed daddy to get the monsters. we will go to the library this week to look up on books about monsters. mercer mayer has  great selection of what to do about monsters.

need to go make oatmeal now and the insurance man is off my roof, at least he used the ladder!!

todays thought; "If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results."- Jack Dixon

Monday, September 20, 2010

weekend update

i hate this feeling i have in me right now. i haven't been to the gym in over a week. my bean has had the most terrible cough and i cannot take them to the daycare. my thoughts are suffering from lack of endorphins. i also need a meeting and didn't go last night. i have been doing so much service that i needed a break.

thank god i have therapy today. i also have family therapy tomorrow which means i need a sitter. so i need to call on a friend of mine. i do not want to ask my sister as all the drama that goes on in her house, i do not want my children there.

Adrianna wants a high school ring, i would love to get her one but they are over 200 dollars and with her birthday and senior pictures and yearbook i just don't think we can do everything. this has come up so fast. i do not want to say what her birthday present is as she may read this. but the rings she posted on facebook that she wants are over 400 dollars and i know that is out of the question.

then i talked with pastor Dave yesterday at project safe streets and he is a retired army specialist. i told him that her 17th birthday is coming up and she wants to enlist in the army. her recruiter is telling her if she goes in officer training that she can get paid $1000 per month while she is in school and they will pay for her schooling through her PhD, remember she wants to be a forensic pathologist and work for the FBI.

pastor Dave tells me that recruiters lie and there is no way this person can promise my daughter $1000 per month without her having taken the asfab test. i told him apparently she can sign up when she is 17. without mom's permission. i don't know how to look this up, if i call the recruiters office they will just blow sunshine up my butt. i know this is her life but if she signs on the dotted line and it is not what she thinks then it is too late and she will be property of the us army. i don't want my baby in this mans army. period. there i said it. i don't want her in for any reason, not the army , air force, navy or marines. she is better then that damn it.

and i know it is her life and she will have to make her own decisions, very soon.i would rather go somewhere to talk with someone who is not trying to boost their numbers. i just don't know where to start, i want to help her with this and not just be a brick wall telling her no. if she signs up i want to make sure she is in the right program that will help her career. if she were to go to west point, that is an engineering school, the best in the country. she is not wanting to be an engineer. she knows she needs to go to pre-med. so she can get an M.E.'s license to send her on to forensic pathology she has told me this at length. the girl knows what she wants to do. she does not want to be strapped to a gun and sent out on the front lines, she has told me this as well.

the first thing is she needs to take her asfab test, the military test that will decide if she is officer material. then we will go from there. i would rather go into debt to help pay for her college then to allow the army to lie to her and not give her what they say they will. i think she is too stubborn to allow mom to help her in that fashion.

my sewing machine is giving me trouble, i start to sew and then it gets the lower thread all tangled up. i need to take it in to the shop and see what i am doing wrong. i know it is something simple. oh and my couch is here!! it is huge and beautiful!! i need to get some pictures and load them on to blogger so you can see. the damn thing weighs like 180 pounds!! it has a reinforced hardwood frame with eight way hand tied coil construction and such a pretty fabric. we gave them a picture of a couch we saw online and they totally made it like the picture. it is awesome and so worth the wait. the couch is actually an old 1963 broyhill frame. we stripped it and rebuilt it, better, stronger, beautiful. one less couch in a landfill.

my laundry is calling.. anyone want to fold for me?

Friday, September 17, 2010

friday thoughts

today is flash fiction friday and if you would like to see all the clever bunch out there who play this wonderful meme, go check out g-man and his merry bunch of followers. it is truly fun and i love to play but alas my muse has a cold today. so i have found these wonderful little nuggets of inspiration to help you get through the weekend. but please don't forget to stop by and give all my peeps a big hello as well. thanks for stopping by today, i am now sick with the girl's cold and my osteoarthritis is flared up bad. hard to move but i am grateful...

"Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember Moses started out as a basket case."

"Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on the front door forever."

"God himself doesn't propose to judge a man until he is dead, so why should you."

"Peace starts with a smile."

"Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous."

"God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called."

"God promises a safe landing, not a safe passage."

"The will of God never takes you where the grace of God will not protect you."

"Prayer; Don't give God instructions, just report for duty."

"The task ahead of us is never as great as the power behind us."

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

Be Grateful for..

"...The teenager who is complaining about doing the dishes, because it means she is at home and not out on the streets."

"...The taxes i pay because it means i have a job."

"...The clothes that fit too snug because it means I have enough food to eat."

"...My shadow that watches me work because it means i am out in the sunshine."

"...The lawn that needs mowing, the windows that need cleaning and the gutters that need fixing, because it means i have a home."

"... All the complaining about the government, because it means we have freedom of speech."

"...The parking spot i find at the far end of the parking lot, because it means i am capable of walking, and i have a car."

"...My huge heating bill, because it means that i am warm."

"...The pile of laundry to wash and fold, because it means i have clothes."

"...The weary and achy muscles at the end of the day, because it means i was capable of working hard."

"...The alarm that goes off early in the morning, because it means that i am alive."

just some nuggets to make you smile and to give perspective about what is importent in life today. have a great weekend everyone, take care of yourselves and thanks for stopping by!!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

holy cow that was close!!!

heck of a day in the mid west yesterday!! just beautiful and sunny all day my honey comes home and BAM!!! RAIN, HAIL, TORNADO'S, BROKE DOWN VAN, SIRENS GOING OFF!!!

it was wild, i got dinner made and had to go open the meeting hall up, it was pouring but i didn't think anything of it, then went to pull out and my van wouldn't turn, no steering. so i pulled back in and tried again, same thing. got Wes and told him my van wasn't turning so he checked it out and it worked. So i get in and pull down the street. couldn't see out the fogged up windows so i turned the air on to defrost the windows, and the wheel wouldn't turn. if my defrost was on i couldn't turn the van. it was muggy as a bog out and i couldn't see. i proceed to try to get down the street and crack a window for air. i am pummeled by hail and water and cannot see. i hit the traffic light and turn on the defrost so i could see. then turn east on Pawnee and this truck decides to pass me and he is pouring so much water on me as he is passing me i have to come to a complete stop, i cannot see anything. then my battery light comes on. i call Wes and tell him my wheel worked but my battery light just came on and the rain was horrible. he told me to come home, that we were in a tornado warning. i get to the  street to take me home and hit straight winds!! lots of debris. then i turn to go down the street i live on and my wheel stops working all together and i am in the middle of the street in 2 foot of water trying to turn a 2000lb vehicle with no power!! i get her home and get out the van and ping pong balls start hitting my van!! really, if i had my camera i would have took some amazing pictures!! so i have "A" put pants on the girls and get their mattress out into the hallway. we have no basement and if there is a tornado my girls are going in the tub with a mattress on top of them. yeah so we watched this storm hit, HARD. we were lucky though there was a tornado hit about 5 miles south of us and then another 10 miles to the east. my whole front yard was one big pile of hail!!.

the truck has a few hail dents in it, and we called the insurance adjuster to start the process of fixing that and getting the roof checked for leaks. it got hit hard at one point something hit the roof of the house so hard the whole house shook. the tornado sirens went off a few times but i sat on the porch watching mostly to see a funnel cloud form so i could get my kids to the tub if necessary. this lasted about 2 and a half hours.

i am grateful today. my van doesn't work and i couldn't open the meeting last night and i couldn't go to my service commitment today. but my family is safe. that is all that matters.

today i will play with my sewing machine again. it worked yesterday but i am loading the lower thread wrong. it keeps tangling up.  my lovely neighbor is going to come over to see if she can see what i am doing wrong in loading the bobbin. think i just need a bit more practice. funny my girls saw me pull it out and expected me to have their capes done immediately. they are like 'mom is our cape done yet?' i don't even have the fabric, just learning the machine. ah well today we have nothing but time. together.

be good to each other, today's thought: "Learn from yesterday, live for today, Hope for tomorrow."- Albert Einstein 

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

update on therapy

i am so grateful for the work i get done in therapy. it is scary though because sometimes i think i am going to fail at it. i went over the past couple of days in great detail with my therapist yesterday. i was very honest and i knew that my feelings were somehow connected to a past experience. like the one in yesterdays post.

one of the things we talked about in therapy were the differences between Wes and my father. and to remember them. there are a lot of differences. my father was a scallywag and pirate scoundrel. he was also charming and well liked by so many people. he was not a direct person instead he manipulated and cheated. he would always love something for nothing. he was a laborer and an ex-con. he was also a dry drunk, when we were young he was just drunk.

Wes is a very responsible adult, he is big on saving for our future he is a new father, an engineer, very direct and not always liked. he can rub people the wrong way. he is loving and caring. he tries to be fair and just. he falls short of that a lot. he is learning, like i am, to be a better parent. he has been clean for 19 years. and he works a program of recovery. he is not my father or any other abusive person i have been with in my lifetime.

therapy is a double edged sword, i have said this before and it is true. i know my parents did the best they could and i do not blame them for my addiction. and today i see the past for what it is, the good, the bad, the parts i don't want to remember. my parents were responsible for it. all of it. the chaos and neglect. as a parent today it is my job to keep my children safe and without chaos in their lives. i see through my haley that my attitude also affects hers. i was scared before because she pitched fits just like i did as a child. what i failed to see was that those fits were directly related to my behavior, if i was emotional and upset, she would react with fits. if i can keep my tone calm and collected, she does not pitch fits.

i always thought those were my fits because none of the other children threw them like me. but with the yellingand screaming my parents did to each other, dad was drunk and mom was mad, could there be a connection that i never saw before? hindsight being what it is, my brothers behavior is obvious, he was abused at such a young age and no one saw it. i think i would want to die too if i were in his shoes. i always felt abandoned by my older brother, but how my father treated him, i wouldn't want anything to conjure up those memories either.

today i need to get this new sewing machine out of the box. 'her big sad' sent me some wonderful patterns for christmas stockings!! and now i have a new project in life. halloween is coming and i need capes for my little vampires!!

i am ok today. i feel good inside without needing something from the outside to make me feel whole. this is a miracle. be good to each other.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

when life bites

who do you parent together? how do you both decide what is right and what is wrong? how can i put down my old feelings and see things for what they are? how do you discipline a 3 year old biter?

she is beautiful and sweet and loves dolls, and she bites. when i was little my mother handled that by biting me back. i heard stories from friends who were given hot sauce and soap in their mouths.biting is a trigger for me, it makes me very angry. the first time she did i was so angry i made her stand on the wall for 20 minutes but i went into the room and let some anger out on Wes and asked him if Haley had bit the bean what would he have done. which is like saying he would have been much harder on her than the bean. he said  after a very long pause, 'i don't know'. i finally told the bean to go to bed and then last night she did it again, this time i let dad handle it. and when Haley came out saying she was bit dad asked her ' what did she do to the bean to make her bite her?' oh hell no.

i have been sitting here sad because i refuse to talk to him. and today he went to work without kissing me goodbye. i am not used to this, we are not yelling we are just not speaking. i do not approve of his favoritism that i do see. am i reading too much into this? is this from my past or is it real.

my father was very gentle with us, the four of us were his kids, my oldest brother was not. my oldest brother got the worst treatment. he would be told to stand in the corner with a phone book on his head. for an hour, usually longer when my father, being drunk would pass out and leave him there. my oldest sister, was his favorite, and she would manipulate daddy to no end. she was great at pitting mom and dad against each other. she lied and got my older brother in trouble a lot. dad never raised his hand to us but to my older brother, that was the norm. there was a big fight, a lot of big fights, but the one i remember was when daddy came home drunk and told my older brother to take the garbage to the street. we had this really long driveway and so jimmy, my older brother, asked my sister if he could use the basket ball to take the garbage out. she said sure and handed it to him. then as soon as jimmy was out the door my sister ran to the back room and told daddy that jimmy took the ball from her. daddy went to her rescue and after my brother like a drunken pit bull. then jimmy ran away and called mom who was at my uncles house playing cards. mom came home and threw me and jimmy in the car. my sister screamed she wanted to go too. my mother told her no and shoved her away. my father pulled out a shot gun. my mother put the muzzle to her head and told him if he was going to shoot then not to miss. daddy didn't shoot. mom got in the van and we drove away. daddy told my sister that he was the only one who ever really loved her.

my sister and mom never had a relationship, until my father died. then she and mom got to know each other for three years before cancer took mom away. it is hard to be friends with my sister. i used to yell and scream at her the most hateful profane things. i used to see hallmark commercials about sisters who were best friends and thought, what planet were they from? today my sister and i have a relationship but there is so much i cannot speak to her about, because she is not ready to hear it.

today i strive to make the girls love each other and be best of friends. they are so very close in age. every year for 13 days they are the same age. the bean is December 15, Haley is December 28. one year apart.i try to be fair with them and equal in the discipline. deep down i hope Wes is the same, but we are both learning. it just triggered so much bad feelings when he said what he said to my Haley last night i wanted to scoop her up and take her away from the evil man who thought she was wrong.

i am grateful i did not turn it into an unnecessary fight. but there is tension still. and i don't know what is fair and appropriate discipline when it comes to biting. everything i was taught is abusive. but it seems like she does not get discipline for her actions she will continue to do it.

i see my therapist today, the emdr, for post traumatic stress disorder. i need to talk to Wes, but i don't know what to say. it is like he does not hear me when i tell him to treat them both the same. or it could just be past feelings invading my reality and i don't know how to separate the past from the present. at least i will have something to talk to my therapist about.

today's thought; "Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic."- Anais Nin

Monday, September 13, 2010

weekend update

what a long weekend. service, service and more service. i had a plan and then life happened. ever wonder what life would really be like if everything went exactly as you wanted it to go? would you really be fulfilled, satisfied or happy? or would you be so bored you would have to go find something to sabotage?

i know people who self sabotage, self medicate and over indulge in things they have no business indulging in. it is so sad to me when i see my friends going through tough times like these and yet it gives me gratitude that I do not have such chaos in my life today.

then i look at myself and the fears i feel on a daily basis. the chaos in my head that i try to sort out. when i share with others how i feel, they say things like 'don't let that person take your power', you know like i have any control over it. i know they mean well but i feel fear so very strongly, that i am not worthy of the life i have. that i am not worthy of anything.

we had area this weekend and it was good to see so many friends there. but i was still scared inside. and when it came time for my report, i was shaking so badly i couldn't hold my paper. this is my fear, fear of being judged, fear of not being good enough, fear of failure. you name it it is probably there.

i don't know what it will take to surrender this fear. but i am willing to work on it today. i am grateful my sponsor is coming into town next weekend to go over my step work with me. i am grateful i did not step up for any service positions this month. i am grateful for not feeling overwhelmed today.

i haven't weighed in yet, and we haven't made it to the gym all weekend, my little ones have a cough and the sniffles so i am not taking them to the gym as they will get the other kids sick. i will try to go tonight after therapy.

i am not sure how to feel today, it sucks not having the endorphins from working out. i made a request from my area to go to Tulsa for a business meeting and there was a lot of discussion on weather or not it was my place to  go and did we really need to spend money on such a trip. i tried to stay out of the conversation as much as possible except when asked any questions. i did well in that aspect and it was hard to hear the negative things said about sending me. but i needed to make the request and leave the results up to the groups. in the end they trusted me to go. i don't know how to feel about that but i know i will do everything in my power to make sure the groups get the information they need from this business meeting.

i hope today, i hope i can serve my fellowship to the best of my ability. i hope i am doing the right things for the right reasons.

today's thought; "What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others."- Pericles

Thursday, September 9, 2010

flash Fiction Friday- fleeting moments

Every Friday write a short story of 55 words, no more
no less and then report it to the G-Man!!

"hues of grey and streaks of orange in the evening sky
the fleeting smell of rain and the distant clap of thunder
in the warmth of a soft blanket to cuddle and surrender
as gratitude sets in and my worries slip away i smile
wishing and hoping this moment would last for a long while"

here you go g-man, i sort of found my muse in an old friend while looking out my evening window. i think the dragons used to do this type of 55 where you took eleven words per line and had five lines, though they always used quilly words, alas i do not have a quilly dictionary but i do remember dr. john and the dragons and how they would always, always get to you first. fleeting moments of friendship, serenity, life and memories i am feeling a bit nostalgic now. funny how you can care fore someone you never even met. but through this blog i know so many wonderful people. i am glad you invited me to play this flash fiction friday game, i truly enjoy it when i get to take the time to read and comment on everyones clever words. i really like it that you all take the time to come and read my thoughts as well. this is such a wonderful part of this journey called life.

Todays thought;
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Albert Einstein

oh wow i got in!!

blogger won't let me post or comment on my peeps or my post. i tried this about 20 times, is anyone else having trouble with clicking on the 'new post' button, i keep getting error 503?

so the kids have a cough which means no gym today, maybe i can go tonight and let my oldest babysit. i do not want other kids getting a cough. oh wait i am babysitting myself, shoot. so i need to figure out something to make for dinner for the squad ok.

i have really cleaned my home nicely and removed a lot of the summer clutter getting ready for winter. i went to a meeting last night and heard a member share about acting out in old defects is usually a sign of fear. i needed to hear that, because i was snapping at the girls yesterday and haley was pitching some pretty good fits. i have come to see that her fit pitching is a direct result of my behavior and i have been doing so good not holloring at all, and trust and beleive it has taken a lot of effort on my part to keep calm when talking with my babies, but it is so worth it.

fractal mom left me the most wonderful and objective comment when i posted about my 4 year olds fits and i accidentally deleted it, i think she was correct in her assesment though and haley felt very powerless and i think the powerlessness was over me. she is doing so much better and so am i and i really appreciate that. and the cutest thing happened today, the bean was acting out and she smacked haley in the face, so haley came and told me instead of hitting back, then i simply told the bean to go to her room, please, with the door shut. so she went, no fuss, then a few minutes later she said from her room 'i blow the angry out mommy'. we read this book that talked about what you can do when you are angry and one of the suggestions is to blow the anger out, hard.

so i let her come out after i told her to apologize to haley and give her a hug and a kiss.

i am glad i went to a meeting last night, i know what my fear is and there is really not much i can do about it and today, just for today, i am ok with it. for me today success is not getting it right, success is seeing when i get it wrong, and then do something to fix it.

ok today i am powerless over blogger and it is trying to shut me out so i am signing off and will try to post a 55 tonight, though i haven't found a muse..

todays thought; "It's not about how to achieve your dreams, it's about how to lead your life, ... If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself, the dreams will come to you." - randy pausch

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

quick hello

oh wow i hope everyone had a safe holiday weekend, she says on Wednesday!! my honey is going back to work today. he had a four day weekend that ends today and we were busy. i spent 3 days cleaning out my garage. had my kids travel to my sisters and back, went to therapy with my daughter, closed down 2 of the Hispanic meetings, was a half hour late to my own therapy and took the kids to the zoo. lets see does that cover everything? oh and Ger Big Sad is sending me some scraps for x-mas stockings and i bought a brother sewing machine!!

OK so the garage was a nightmare but i feel better now that it has been tackled, funny i saw on facebook several other people decided to spend their labor day doing this very task, is it some sort of ingrained labor day ritual to clean out a garage, i don't know if this is what i did last year...hmmm it has been a while since i cleaned it.

oh and my little ones were at their aunts and that did not go well... i was called while cleaning my garage, and asked to come bring underwear as the bean kept pooping, so we went over there and during the time we were there, a half hour at least, we saw the kids did not get dinner until 8:30pm they were eating on the floor, and we were informed that my four year old was left unattended outside and when they went out to check on her she was gone. they called her name and couldn't find her. then they say they found her in a neighbors house having a snack and watching movies. so i took my children home. my sister was upset with me.  yeah, and you know i have to remember it is me who is in recovery. not my family. and in my household this event was not a big deal. when my sister called me because she was not at home when we were at her house, she asked why i was taking my babies home and i told her i was not comfortable with Haley being missing and turning up in a neighbors house, now i know this could happen, but i actually expected a reasonable answer, you know something like 'oh my gosh yes that scared me too, i understand and i am sorry.' what she told me was 'oh my god they were only missing for a minute!' huh. you know 6 years ago this would have been OK with me. i must say i have changed a lot. because i understand that my sister is still in the same mentality of the insane life we lived as children, and i am not. i also understand i cannot reason with a crocodile today. so me getting upset with her and trying to make her understand the gravity of the situation would be futile. and the last part is very, very new to me. so i am not angry with her, i just know i cannot leave my children there. it is kind of cool to not get angry over this stuff. because anger drains my energy.

we closed down 2 Hispanic meetings, which sucks, but we are still alive. can only keep trying and we are. i also decided the kids deserved some fun on this weekend since they were upset that i took them from their beloved aunties home, so we went to the Hutchinson zoo and the coolest thing, it is free, and we saw every animal that was seen in the 'baby bear book' you know the one that starts off 'baby bear, baby bear what do you see?' that is their favorite bedtime book and we saw a red fox, a flying squirrel, a mule deer, a rattlesnake, a screech owl, a prairie dog and a blue heron at the zoo!! it was awesome!! my little ones were pretending to be the baby bear and of course i was mama bear.

therapy is going wonderfully and it was OK that i wrote the time down wrong. and i love my new sewing machine!! it is still in the box. it is so pretty!! in the box!! the one i bought was 100 bucks, i could of got it for 70 online or at walmart but i went and spent the extra on the local dealer who gave me instructions and great service. so that was good. cause i know if i have any questions i can bring in my machine and they will show me.

i am so excited about Halloween, my vampires are going to be so cute!! and i hope i can make my Christmas stockings!! we will see. i am going to be sewing like a madman/woman!! OK i gotta feed my girls and get my big butt to the gym!! haven't been to weight watchers in a month, we are going to close down our account. i can keep portion controlling on my own, but the recommended foods they have are not conducive to my diabetic needs and i am trying still very hard to lower those A1C's so we will see at the end of this month if i have succeeded. then i will come up with a new plan for diet, because right now i am still in purge mode, which does not mean i am puking, no it means i am not allowing myself any starches or sweet drinks. yes that means my coffee has no sugar. wild huh.

i will try to allow some in if my sugars are low enough at the end of the month, for now though everything i am eating is higher in calories and there is not much i can do about it but go to the gym and maintain my weight loss. i will stop by and comment during breakfast. take care everyone!!

 todays thought; "Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things."
- T. S. Elliot

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Flash Fiction Friday- the 40 year old virgin

"I'm a little nervous"said Bob 
"Nothing to worry about" replied the nurse
"I've never done this before." he said
"At your age!! Well it's about time!!" she said
"I've been on him for years, you'd think he was a virgin or something 
the way he is carrying on like this"said his boyfriend Joe.

Here you go G-man!! It's that time of year again and I found my muse for Friday night's 55!! October is overwhelmed with pink ribbons every year from company's exploiting national Breast Cancer Awareness month, But did you know that September is National Prostate Cancer Awareness month!! 1 in 6 men will be affected by this disease and early detection is the key. It is a little known fact that Prostate Cancer kills more men then Breast Cancer does to women, why ? because we have raised the awareness to such a level and so much research has been done to help save us, now we need to save our men!! Boys get your butts down to the doctors and have your prostates checked!! I'm talking to all of you, G-man, Syd, Cliff, Old Geezer, Monkey man, Brian, Larry G, Eric Alder, all the blogging men, ladies get them to the doctors and checked out!! now i need to go remind my own honey...

meet the bean

day one

first easter
trip to san antonio

sharing oatmeal
finally getting hair

does not want to be a unicorn

birthday surprise
last halloween

this is what three years looks like to me. it is so amazing how fast she is growing. i am so grateful to have a camera to take these pictures and remember her little face. i did not have that with my other two. the girls will be four and five this year. just wanted to share

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

fun with my baby

change of command our "A" got a double promotion this year

taken in kansas city

too cute not to add to the blog

the princesses wanted to sit with daddy

here we are at dinner, daddy and the bean

my honey had to go back to work today. we had him for a whole month while he was on sabbatical. i miss him already...