Thursday, January 28, 2010

Flash Fiction Friday- the block

every friday write a short story, poem , prose or limerick of 55 words,
no more, no less, and then report it to the g-man!!

"sitting here pondering what 55 words to say
I'm frustrated and tired it's been a long day

knowing that i can't sleep until i finish this post
while i drink chocolate milk and eat some toast

here's to g-man, dragons lair and hootin annie's
hope you like it cause i gotta get off my fanny!"

Here you go g-man!!! just a short note to say i will stop by in the morning when i am less grouchy and i little more rested. i hope everyone is doing well thanks for stopping by this week i am playing hell trying to work on this contract and policy for my business, my ocd is kicken' in to high gear and i have spent the last 3 days working on it for about 8 hours each day. i am really feeling isolated right now not being able to reach out and chat or anything, busy life on life's terms and all the beautiful blessings that come with it, now i am going to spend some time with my oldest child who will be grown and out of the house soon so i am grateful she wants to spend some time with me even if it is watching a movie. that's all i got, hopefully i can stop by tomorrow and catch up on all the great and talented 55er's out there!!

earth hour

March 27, 2010 8:30 pm local time- Please Support This Cause

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

genetics and perserveirance

you know how i said i should have bought a MAC, well it seems i must reboot my pc every time i wish to upload pictures. lovely little world isn't it. see microsoft works in such a way that at first it is good but as you add more software to your computer the s-l-o-w-e-r it gets. and i really do a lot of graphic design on my side and he does a ton of work on his side and the computer has 2 extra external drives, one for my 20,000 pictures and one for other files and yeah like i said, i need a MAC. so this is my little beans left ear...
and this is her right ear, notice, they are not a matching set? one has an extra fold in it, her dad has the other mis-matched set. when she was born that was the first thing i looked for, i thought it was so cute!

so today i got a 23 year card in the mail and a friend is coming to pick up a 22 year card i made, it is so good to see the program work for so many for so long. it is an honor to be able to make celebration cards for members. i have been asked to create a catalog and i do have the software, it would be the same one i design the quarterly newsletter in so i will see how to shrink the files and put a water mark on them so they don't get copied, right now i charge 2.50 per card so if i do a catalog i will put in there that for any order over 20 cards i will drop the price but i am not sure by how much maybe to 1.99. plus shipping of course. that is a totally seperate business from the day care and the moneys go to benefit NA. i am taking the proceeds from this last weekend to order literature in spanish. a friend of mine is coming by to discuss starting a spanish speaking meeting in the area, right now there is not one single hispanic meeting in the entire state, and lord knows there are addicts out there.

so my focus is on getting that started and also i am going to the democratic headquarters to help stuff envelopes, i made phone calls last week to no avail to try to win the Massachusetts senate seat. very disappointed in that election i am also fuming at fox news and those assholes, that is what stephen colbert calls them since they sit there on their fat asses and do nothing but complain about Every single thing the president does, he can do no right everything about him is wrong and it is really tiresome what people are dumb enough to believe. they say he has done absolutely nothing as president one day and the very next hour they claim he is single-handedly dismantling the system. make up your lousy minds will you either he is or isn't doing something!!

i have never seen a news station, if that is what you want to call it, take on such a political stance and use such propaganda and lies to get members of society to believe their cause, and they have a cause it goes along with the supreme courts cause to help the corporate lobbyists and other assholes to take over the country. i have a friend who is in desperate need of health care reform but she listens to rush limbaugh and those assholes and thinks that the president is a terrorist and that the system we have now works. she has a son with a pace maker in his heart and he nearly died last year and he has no insurance and cannot work and is only 19. he will die without medical help. the public option would have helped him. but we don't need it do we. i have been on the public option before and it was really good coverage, better then what i got now it was much cheaper too, you paid for it with your tax money. this time the public option would have a premium, one that i could afford and it would generate income to the government without raising taxes. it would lower the waiting time in hospital emergency rooms and people would not be skipping out on their bills like they do now, ever wonder why so many people have bad credit? it is because they don't pay their outstanding medical bills, the hospital and doctors have to eat it there!! but who cares right we don't need no flipping public option we don't need to tell the insurance companies to cover us even if we have a pre existing condition. see my friends son cannot get coverage because of his pre existing condition, but who cares right as long as we bow down to fox news and the lies they spew about what medical reform really is and they can lie about how many people really don't have medical coverage who cares right.

so instead i will continue to move forward, instead of listening to those who say i can't have a Spanish speaking NA meeting out of fear, i am going to start one, instead of listening to the lies and sticking my head in the sand and hoping for the best, i am going down to the democratic office and volunteer for my community if we cannot have national health care then maybe i can get my state to have state health care like Massachusetts has then i won't worry about the rest of the country, or maybe it will be just one baby step at a time. so that leaves me with today's thought; "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough."- Randy Pausch
keep moving forward my friends, no matter what your political beliefs are, no matter what your position is on health care, if you don't like how your life is going or the state of the world you see today, do something to make it better it is up to each one of us to make it happen. oh by the way earth hour is coming up again i hope many of you sign up i will post the dates tomorrow on my blog it was awesome watching the world go dark last year!! there were some amazing pictures i will see about loading them up to the blog!!

Monday, January 25, 2010

out with the old...

well we've been nursing the old RCA for the last 6 months now. bought it about 15 years ago and now the tuner is shot. the girls are stuck smacking the sides to get a clear picture the old tube likes to go sideways at times. remember how the line the black bar would roll the frame up and up and up and you could almost follow the picture? yeah we were going there. and the noises were shhhblshhh, so we have been waiting for the big Super Bowl Sale of the Century!! and some money in the bank.
we know we love the samsung, a freind of ours paid $2,000 for a sony bravia 2 years ago and it was in the shop over Christmas getting refurbished for $250. so we were not going to get something just cause it was on sale. we know the brands we looked at CNET reviews and compared prices online for the last 2 weeks. then we found the one. well we each found one we liked. i like the 37 inch 650 series 1080p for 1,100 on sale for 654.00, i thought the contrast ratio at 1,000,000;1 was absolutely amazing but Wes thought the 40 inch 6,000 series at 2,000 on sale for 999.00 was the best deal. it is the low end of their higher resolution models and the sucker was gorgeous!!! but then i asked him if that was something we could really afford, and yes we could we do have the money and we do need to replace the old tube. so off to the store we went!! and it was packed to the hilt with gorgeous televisions, giant televisions , pictures so clear you could reach out and be there!! viewing rooms on my!! i tell ya electronic stores are a sanctuary from the real world!! i could put a hot tub in the middle of the store and just sit and watch my brain cells melt into oblivion watching all the lcd's and going numb!! so we looked around and there was one in the ad that we specifically wanted to look at and about 10 minutes later still no one would help us. so we helped ourselves and both decided on the same model..
we wanted the 40 inch 1,000,000;1 contrast ratio b6000 series for 999.00 we purchased the 32 inch 720p b360 for 365.00. so while we could have gotten the big flat beautiful model we chose to keep the money in the bank for savings and spend less then half the money we were going to and get the more reasonable, and sensible model. it is a flat panel just like this last picture and while the picture is not as good as the other model it is a bazillion times better then the old RCA and now you can call me a red neck!! because my new tv is sitting over my old tv on the entertainment center!! and my little ones are amazed at their new television!! to them it IS a big screen and it IS special!! and they don't have to hit the tv to see their pbs shows any more!! because we don't have cable it costs too much but they love curious george and clifford the big red dog!! and word world i could go on but they need some oatmeal for breakfast now.

i guess this post is about growing up and making choices that are sensible for my family. and when we are in a situation where we are more comfortable with spending the extra money for a bigger tv, we will have this one to put into someones room and it is a really nice model. so i need a gratitude list, i haven't done one in a while,

1. today i am grateful for the new television in the living room.
2. today i am grateful for the financial security i have for me and my family.
3. today i am grateful for having health insurance, even though this country is divided on making sure everyone has it.
4. today i am grateful i sold 5 of 6 pictures i made this weekend and 8 birthday cards.
5. today i am grateful for my recovery and working on step 8.
6. today i am grateful my little girls are best friends.
7. today i am grateful for my temporary permit for daycare.
8. today i am grateful for an open mind.
9. today i am grateful for my higher power.
10. today i am grateful for the willingness to settle for less when i want more.

one of the things i struggled with in the store was 'splitting the baby' you know not going for the more expensive one but not the cheapest either. we settled for a pc when we should have gotten a MAC and now i get the blue screen of death because i have so much on my computer it can't handle all the workload. we really need a MAC and cannot afford it, yet. i didn't want to do the same with the tv, we see other people with 55 inch televisions in their living rooms and they are complaining that their cars are about to be repo'ed!! do we want a big screen, hell yeah!! are we going to get one? not at the detriment of our financial security, if it is something we cannot pay for up front, then we cannot afford it!! i am not going into debt over a television that is for sure. so for today's thought; "Gratitude releases us from the 'Gimme's'. If there is to be any peace, it will come through being, not having."- Henry Miller

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Flash Fiction Friday- precious time

Every Friday write a short story, poem, limerick or prose. What ever tickles your fancy, then report it to the g-man!! don't forget to stop by and check out everyone else who plays the game!!

"Our daily lives are filled regularly to the brim

With laughter and joy and some trials within

So many days go by they all run together

It is easy to forget life doesn't last forever

As I watch a friend nearly lose her significant other

I find myself aware how precious our time is together"

Here ya go G-Man!! Story behind this a young couple I know is going through a medical emergency. They are sweet and under 30 they have a couple of young kids and he just graduated college. Tonight he coded and they brought him back. The roller coaster of emotions and just the thought of losing him, I can definitely put myself in her shoes!! My prayers and thoughts are with my friend and her family tonight. And I am going to go hug my sweetie now. I am very grateful for having him in my life today. I hope for many years to come.
Stay safe everyone I will stop by in the morning, when he is at work!!

Today's thought; "Sometimes life can throw you a curve ball, if you don't pay attention you just might miss it!! You never know where your next 'ah- ha' moment will come from."- me
live in the moment, and the moment is now...


i am so very frustrated right now. i want to do something nice with my sister on her birthday. this is what i can afford 2 tickets to a matinee 12 bucks, lunch at the restaurant 20 bucks a small gift 5 bucks. 37 plus tax for lunch and a movie!!

what is wrong with the world today when i can't even go see billy joel and elton john!! tickets start at 53 bucks plus service fees!! never mind they are sold the fu$% out!! sold out. i thought we were in a flipping recession!! what is up with that. who the H.E. double hockey sticks can afford this everyone lost their jobs!!

here everyone is blaming my president screaming in fear because they don't want healthcare but they cannot go to the doctors them selves because they have no money but they have big screen televisions and are going to see george and reba who are also sold the F out!! what am i missing something is that what unemployment buys these days are people so self flippen entitled that they spend their welfare checks to go see the globetrotters tomorrow night!!!!

and don't get me started on select a seat!! ok i am all warmed up they don't even sell tickets at the box office any more!! now you HAVE to go through these services why!! they are a freaken middle man who jack up the prices by in some cases 20 bucks!!i can't even afford 20 dollar tickets!! because after all is said and done they are over 30 bucks!!

and forget dinner and a movie and how the hell can EVERY FLIPPING person in the free world afford to go see AVATAR!! those evening tickets are 18 bucks a piece!!! For a movie!! no dinner just a movie and popcorn and a drink are 17 bucks !! are you kidding me!! really, i pay 3 bucks for orville reddenbaucher!! AAAUUGHHHHHHHHH i mean fu$%ing AAAUGGHGGGGG

thanks for letting me vent.

good news I got my temporary permit!!! The Tot Spot is officially open for business!!! AAAUUGHHHGGGGG!!! here is my script for answering the phone

"Thank you for calling the Tot Spot, how can i help you?"

cool huh!!! i am a business owner!!! now i need customers!!

we are almost saved up to replace the old tv in the living room. Wes is starting his second semester in college, "A" is looking into the Air Force Academy as her 3rd college choice, that makes KU, West Point, USAFA!!!! She wants so badly to work in the FBI in forensic science something like that. she is truly amazing.

gillian still won't potty in the toilet not much i can do there but love them as they won't be this young for long. they are walking on my brand new furniture now, i need to stop blogging, yesterday i got the garage cleaned up and christmas all put away and my girls got sad and want to know when the tree is coming back. that is so cool, next year they are going to help me bake goodies!!

ok i really gotta go my babies need my attention. i miss you all and i will post a 55 tonight and hopefully be able to stop and check you all out!! thanks for stopping by!!!
todays thought;
"Different people must contend with different trials, but adversities in some shape or other come to everyone." --R. C. McCarthy

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

just some smiles for tuesday

just thought i would share some gratitude today. my girls loved playing in this balloon box i used to trick "A" on her sweet 16. she really wanted a camera and i didn't want her to know she was getting one so i had it put into a gift balloon. she had no clue what it was and when she took the wrapping paper off all she could see was the flowers inside the balloon.
here is my bean giggling, her giggle makes me laugh so hard. she decided to get herself dressed yesterday and she put her pj top on a pair of undies over her pull up and her socks and shoes on and told me she was ready to go by-by now. i about died laughing she is too cute.
here is bean and daddy, they are so cute together, she looks just like him!! they each have the same odd ears. one ear has 2 flaps and the other has one. it is like mismatched ears!! i will try to get pictures of them to show it is the coolest thing.
ain't she just too cute for words, she is getting so darn big, it breaks my heart because she isn't a little baby any more.

i went to a meeting last night and it was on step ten. there were some great questions to ask yourself when doing a daily inventory and i never thought about it well because i have never gotten that far yet, i am still on step 8. i am in the remedial program i have taken my time to be very thorough in my steps, i remind myself it is in God's time and not my time.

i get discouraged you know sometimes when i go to meetings and here members talk about working the steps and they have done them all, then i see how they really live and most of them don't apply the principles of recovery in their daily lives and it is sad and it reminds me that i am doing alright.

i have come to a realization that step 8 is exactly where i need to be right now, it is about making amends and getting rid of useless guilt. i know i carry a lot of it when it comes to my "A", and i get very angry when trying to communicate with her and be her mother and she tries to push me away. it is like the only time she wants me to be there is when i am her friend and i know that is my fault, i abandoned her to my addiction and while it has been 5 years she chooses to be angry with me. i try to detach and allow her to be herself and if she wants her pain i need to let it be and not force my will on her. so it is a struggle and i am working on it. it is my reaction to her that i need to work on it is like i take it personal and then get very angry. i don't want to get angry, but i have my buttons and my baby knows exactly where they are.

so my hope is in step 8 that i find the awareness and willingness to let go of my past, i cannot change it yet i am continuing to get angry and really i am not angry with her i am angry with me. so as of yet the only thing i can find positive about this is that i have these 2 beautiful babies who have never known me high, and there is my "A" who has and that is what will happen to them if i do go back out.

back to my daily set of questions, the 2nd sentence in the basic text on step ten says; "If we do not stay aware of our defects, they can drive us into a corner that we can't get out of clean."
that is such a powerful statement today. i know when i start getting angry with my children and i find myself snapping at them, those are my character defects, they want me to feel guilty and angry at myself. so here are a couple of the questions i am going to make a pretty poster and hang it up on my wall to look at and stay aware of so i can spot inventory myself, since i have never gotten in the habit of it this may help. "Is there a knot, big or small, in our gut?" "Do we feel uncomfortable about the day we've just finished?" "What happened?" "What was our part in the affair?" "Do we owe any amends?" "If we could do it over again, what would we do differently?"
"What has given us satisfaction today?" "Were we productive? Responsible? Kind? Loving?" "Did we give unselfishly of ourselves?" "Did we fully experience the love and beauty the day offered us?" "What did we do today that we would want to do again?"

I think looking at these questions will help me to stay in the moment each day and keep me on track with my recovery. i am grateful for the tools i have and the willingness to use them today. this leaves me with todays thought;
"Break the anger habit. It is a waste of valuable energy to rail against adverse events. Stuff happens. Get over it and move on."-Sibyl Mclendon

Monday, January 18, 2010

just some thoughts

  1. ever wonder why hotels try to charge so much? why do we need a middle man to get a good deal? We had a date night on Saturday and we were looking into hotel rooms and costs. being frugal but not wanting to stay at the roach motels we kept our eyes on things like and expedia. well i am a fan of William Shatner, love Boston Legal!! anyway i thought i would check out a 3 star in Salina. Now keep in mind when looking at rooms the Best Western rates were 69 dollars!! i thought well for that much i want to stay somewhere nice. Well i am what old William would call a 'mamby pamby'!! i tried a 60 dollar room rate at a 3 star hotel and they would accept the bid!! Wes said he would try later. Well Saturday night came I asked Wes where were we going, he said it was a surprise he and that he was no 'mamby pamby'!! When we pulled into the Hyatt I said no way!! The Hyatt? How much, he said his winning bid was 45 bucks!! Can you believe it!! he went low because the company putting the bid on tacks on an additional 13 bucks in fees and taxes so it still came out to 58. but i thought the Best Western for 69 or the Hyatt for 58 hmmm... my baby is no 'mamby pamby'!!!
Here's the thing the hotel could be a little less greedy and make the deal themselves, but they don't and a lot of people would gladly pay over 100 bucks for a night in the room we got. well we are on a tight budget and for that price i was totally grateful. i know this sounds like a commercial but it is just a heads up for those who go places and travel you can check out the prices on these places but priceline is the one that you make a bid and name your price, you also pick how many stars on the hotel and so if you are going for a 3 star you know the place will be decent anyway it is a great way to go somewhere and still maintain a budget. right now we are looking for a good deal on a new tv and we are waiting for super bowl sales. i hope we can find one a decent price.

today i am making banana crumb muffins for my girls, their breakfast choices no longer include cereal for a couple of reasons, 1. Wes gets up in the middle of the night and eats cereal, and 2. we only get cheerios because of no corn syrup and the girls usually don't eat it any more. so now they get either waffles or pancakes or muffins, until they decide to eat eggs and toast i need to be creative. so the muffins are made with splenda and real butter non fat yogurt and non bleached flour. they are topped with a brown sugar and cinnamon topping. these freeze well so i can put them in baggies and freeze for later use!!
anyway i had a lovely retreat with my sweetheart this weekend. the Elvis impersonators are coming to town and i was thinking the seats would be cheap enough to take my sister to however they are not two tickets would be over 70 dollars so that is out and her birthday is coming up and she is an even bigger fan then me, but Joan Rivers is going to be here as well and her tickets are only 22 dollars a piece so i may be able to get us in there and she is still alive!! I think that should be one of her jokes, her tickets are less then a dead mans!!! so i have to go see what my little ones are doing as they are trying to get dressed without me!! they are in their room all alone!! laundry everywhere!!! gotta go!! have a great monday y'all!!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Flash Fiction Friday- the meaning of hero

Every Friday write a short story, poem or limerick of 55
words, no more, no less and then report it to the G-Man!!

"if ever there was a hero to thank

two years ago today my heart truly sank

if ever there were any words left unsaid

they were left there that day on that hospital bed

my how time flies and how my girls have grown

forever in my heart, your seed of love has been sown"

Here you go G-man this is for my mom who passed away two years ago today. Cancer is a horrible disease and i would not wish it on my worst enemy.

i am doing well today and i know my mom is near. i am grateful for her and the help she gave me to get me into recovery.

i remember one night i was in withdrawals and it had been a while since i used and i was living with my mother. i could not function i would have fits of rage and i would throw the kitchen chairs across the dining room in anger. and i would go in shame and lock myself in my bathroom and cry for hours pounding my fists against the floor until my knuckles bled. it was awful and the whole time my oldest, my only child at the time, watched this.

anyway i decided i couldn't take it anymore and i was leaving for good. i threw the car keys at my mom and left. she didn't do anything to me and i wasn't mad at her, but i took it out on her. i didn't know where i was going or what i was doing, i had been in trouble with the cops but i had checked into outpatient at this time and my court date had not come. really i just wanted to go to jail i wanted to do something so they would lock me away forever and i couldn't hurt anyone. i tried to sleep in the park, then i got up and walked around town for a while. i ended up at the hospital around 4 in the morning because i didn't know where else to go and there was coffee in the waiting room of the 4th floor where they had babies.

i sat there until morning and i was so desperate. i had no money, nothing. so i called my mom and she asked me where was i. i didn't want to tell her i felt like such a complete and total failure. i finally told her and she asked if she could bring me something to eat. i started crying, i did not want her to come i just wanted to go away. i finally told her i would meet her downstairs and she came and brought me some food. i sat on the bench with her and cried like a baby. she told me she loved me and wanted me to come home, to please come home. she said 'don't you know i want you there?' i was like why i can't even control my anger, i stole all your money i am not worth it. and she said to me; 'baby i am so proud of you and i love you' i said 'how, how could you be proud of me i am a total mess i can't even take care of my own daughter.' and she said 'because you stopped doing that and you are trying to get better and i know you can.' and we cried a little longer.

and i went home with my mother and i went to my first NA meeting. my mother is my hero because she was there for me in my darkest hour. and i am grateful that i was clean and that i had the honor and privilege to be there and hold her hand as she walked through hers. That's all i got, i will keep coming back.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


  1. today i am grateful for the heat wave we are having, it is 40 degrees outside!!
  2. today i am grateful for my recovery from active addiction.
  3. today i am grateful for the sounds of my girls running down the halls.
  4. today i am grateful for the willingness to take care of my health.
  5. today i am grateful for my open mind.
  6. today i am grateful for my integrity.
  7. today i am grateful that i don't have to own other peoples chaos.
  8. today i am grateful for my boundaries i have.
  9. today i am grateful for therapy.
  10. today i am grateful to be starting my 8th step.
  11. today i am grateful for my faith.
this picture is where we took mom and dads ashes and scattered them. there were no words, no special services, we just pulled over to the side of the road at this spot.

we picked this spot because it was where the Oregon trail crossed Kansas over a hundred years ago, it is a very historical landmark. It is called the Vermilion River and it runs into the Arkansas I believe. So it will go to the Ocean.

There is a place just behind where i took the picture, to the left of the picture where a french man and his family lived. He used to pull people across the river in a boat for a dollar. The whole horse covered wagon and everything.

The river is barely a creek now, but you can see where the water used to be high. This man was very rich and very popular in these parts. There was a huge outbreak of cholera in the 1850's and a lot of people, including one of his wives and a few of his children died. There is a cemetery here with all the old headstones.

I will show some pictures when i can find them. hopefully i will be able to stop by here again soon and maybe drop some flowers in the river for them.

i am grateful my mother was around to see me get my 3 year coin. so this leaves me with todays thought; "As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."- John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Monday, January 11, 2010

happy birthday mom

haley loved to cuddle with you in your chair. she kept using your blanket until i put it away. it was too small and she kept biting it. i will give it to her when she is older. i think sometimes you come to visit her. today is your birthday so i thought if visiting you.

"A" misses you very much. she is still dealing with accepting your gone. she is very angry with me and feels abandoned because you are gone. it is her pain and i am just trying to let her have it. she is going to graduate high school a year early. she wants to work helping people. she has her heart set on the FBI. she is an official candidate to become a cadet in West Point Academy. You would be so proud of her.
I wanted to send you some flowers today, but i have no one and no where to send them to.
happy birthday mom

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Flash Fiction Friday- the king and i

* Elvis Presley was born on January 8, 1935

* My clean date is January 8, 2005

*Elvis built Graceland in Memphis Tennessee

*I found the Grace of God in Recovery

For those who came before me in service to NA

I humbly follow you with gratitude today

It's hard to believe

what five years can change.
"My Teddy Bear"

Here ya go g-man a tribute to my birthday and Elvis!! I missed ya that last two weeks it is good to be getting back into the swing of things!!

Thought for today; "It's never too late to be what you might have been."- George Elliot

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


so we went to therapy tonight and she tells me that i have some serious symptoms of ADHD. but this doesn't come up until the session ends.
she says it has to do with me not staying focused and how i always change the subject. sometimes when Wes is talking to me i miss his conversation because my mind drifts elsewhere. i didn't know this was ADHD i thought i was just an addict. my sponsor calls me the queen of distraction because i always change the subject. this is something i work very hard on, i am aware of it and i always thought that it was part of my 'flooding' problem and with my 'triggers' when arguing with Wes.

i am aware that sometimes when he says things a certain way it takes me back to captain stupid, i know this and this is what therapy is for right, i mean now instead of ptsd it is adhd and maybe i need emdr and i don't know maybe next time we will find more letters to play with.

my point is she scared me and i hate it when they wait until the end of the session to bring something up because now it is eating my lunch!! it is not even bothering her!! but now i am like thinking, ' i don't want pills!!' can't we just work on this the way i have been!! so this is me surrendering...

i always, always said i was grateful i found recovery before they caught me. 'they' being the psychotherapists!!! i knew i would end up in a straight jacket with a hundred different anxiety meds, no wonder they wanted to put "A" on prozac she is my daughter!! and now what about haley, my precious haley who has her mothers temper tantrums!! i don't want her diagnonensed with adhd in school and forced on meds!!

ok now that i got that out of my system, i still don't know what to think, i can't do anything about what i heard but i am still swirling it in my head and it is making my anxiety level go through the roof 3 days before elvis's birthday and this is what i need. lord save me from another using dream tonight!!!

ok so on the good side of the session i went over trying to stay 'mindful' and it was our homework and we did real well and i will continue to practice just being right here and not in the future where i can imagine my 4 year old at 10 and being drugged because of her behavioral problems... come back suzie, come back!!

ok stop see i do have adhd oh my gosh!! this is where the serenity prayer comes in handy. really really handy. do you or anyone you know have these initials attached to them, how do they manage?

you know today haley and i worked on our anger together and not once did i put her in the corner and the bean went to the potty all day it was really progressive for us and tomorrow we are heading to the gym. yay us!! exercise helps me stay happy, i need happy thoughts, i will take my fish oil and vitamins as they help me focus and i will work on my step work as it keeps me grounded, if this means that my brain needs more structure to focus and it is harder for me to work on it then others i am ok with working on it myself. that is where i am at today. gratitude list please;
1. today i am grateful for my pewter butterfly my sponsor gave me, she told me to rub it when i get anxiety and when i rub the word off i can go into panic mode. the word on it is 'relax'
2. today i am grateful to have an open mind to allow myself to accept my emotional imperfections as well as my physical ones.
3. today i am grateful for 1,823 days of continuous clean time, that breaks down to 4 years, 23 months and 28 days, but who's counting!!
4. today i am grateful for the fellowship of narcotics anonymous and the relations i have made and mended
5. today i am grateful for Jimmy K.
6. today i am grateful for my god box, it is flimsy and ugly and my tangible lifeline to my higher power.
7. today i am grateful for my mother
8. today i am grateful for my children
9. today i am grateful for fresh coffee and my exquisite roaster!!
10. today i am grateful for my blogging buddies.

todays thought; "To swear off making mistakes is very easy. All you have to do is swear off having ideas."- Leo Burnett

still purging christmas pictures!!

*Today i am grateful for watching my girls play in the snow.
* today i am grateful i woke up from a bad using dream.
* today i am grateful for the meeting i attended last night

*today i am grateful Wes's mom had a good Christmas
*today i am grateful for the relationships we are building
* today i am grateful my family does not stay mad at each other
* today i am grateful i know how short and precious life is.

*today i am grateful haley got her puppy from santa, if only for a visit
* today i am grateful i keep a very tidy house
* today i am grateful i can teach my children good habits
* today i am grateful i have 2 children who have never known me using

* today i am grateful my "A" came out to visit the family
* today i am grateful i am learning to talk with her
* today i am grateful for the homework i got from my therapist
* today i am grateful i have not acted out in anger

* today i am grateful to have met Wes's brother and his family
* today i am grateful Wes makes me feel pretty
* today i am grateful to accept my humanness
* today i am grateful i am not perfect and i can start over any time of the day

After all the hustle and bustle of the holiday season i need to remember to be grateful. sometimes i complain but that is me being human. sometimes i get sad or mad but that is normal feelings. my clean date is coming up which explains the using dreams, this happens to just about every addict when their clean date comes around. so i will call my sponsor. i feel very fortunate and grateful today to be in recovery.
today i don't feel guilty all the time. my life is not one big panic situation. i am not paranoid today. i can reason with the thoughts in my head and i am learning to stay in reality when something triggers from the past. today i feel my feelings and i am learning to not let them control my behavior.
recovery has changed so much in my life and having this blog as a venue has truly been a blessing. i now have to get some chores done for the day i hope you are all finding your moments of serenity in this beautiful day. this leaves me with today's thought; "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." - Albert Einstein

Monday, January 4, 2010

a retro post for g-man

Here is a glimpse of the copy write date on my old cook book. not too terribly old but all of grandmas good recipes got thrown out back in the late '90's when my cousin was with her. she had a terrible time after grandpa passed and my cousin was a real hag to treat her the way she did but at least i got this and all the old photo albums. i have my grandmas baby picture it was a portrait taken when she was about 18 months old. a very coveted painting and when i get enough money i am going to put it in a proper frame and have it on my wall. i am blessed with memories of my family.
this is the cool part of the book, my grandmas notes. when i go online to look for recipes i always look for reviews, i don't trust a recipe that has not been tested by at least 25 other readers, and here my grandma has rated some of her faves and some she does not like!! tested and true!!
she also adds where she has adjusted the recipe!! i know she didn't try them all but i can go through and see when she did and some of them were later like 1991!!
some recipes she pasted in from various newspapers. i think she was trying to only have one cook book at one time but that failed, she used to have long recipe card boxes the old tin ones like what they used to have in libraries and these were chalk full of hand written recipes, my cousin, the ass, threw them all out. i would have loved to have them.
so again here is the front of the old book, i thought about buying a new one just to compare it but that really doesn't seem like a good way to spend money i also have a 3 ring binder and a recipe card box with tons of tries some not so good some great recipes. and my bookmark page on my computer has some great ones as well as Mamahollioni's kitchen!! she has wonderful recipes, I love her fried zucchini!! suffice it to say i love to cook and i love trying new recipes, we are going to try some turkey gyros this week i will let you know if the recipe is good or not!!
here is my pie crust recipe, it is funny i was at a friends house a while back and they were watching Alton Brown and he was making a pie crust, did you see the episode? he put nuts or beans in the crust to cook it and all this elaborate foo-foo ways of measuring the temperature of the water i mean it took him like 2 hours to prep and get the pie crust ready, to have the 'perfect crust'. give me a break real cooks look for fast effective and great recipes, we got other things to do with our time then wasting it filling our crusts with farva beans!!
as you can see my book is a bit tattered, the sign of a well used book!! it gets hard to find the pages i look for when i am using this book but it is so worth it.
here grandma pasted a recipe and i am not sure why, her notes indicate the recipe needed a lot of work and was a bit bland. but when she doctored something up she usually wanted to keep it after for a possible use. sometimes her recipes weren't too good but i try them anyway.

so this is where i get my pie crusts from to make my holiday pies. i don't buy the ready made crusts it seems like such a waste when i can make my own for a few pennies. i meant to post this before Christmas but as you can see it took 12 days for me to get my computer back!! my sister was here till 10 o'clock last night finishing up her homework, Wes is back at work today and 'A' is at school a nice and quiet morning with my girls. snow has turned to about an inch and a half of ice on my windshield. we got about an inch left but it is like 12 degrees out there and the side streets never get plowed so we have a bit of ice out there.

We had Wes's mom here until new years eve when we took her home, i had a wedding to get to and i missed it we also had another wedding on new years day but missed that as well we were just too busy to get to them.

my brother came over after a bit of drama with my sister and a doctors appointment, i told him he was welcome to come over but only if there was no fighting or bickering. he behaved but he wanted to cook in my kitchen!! and ask anyone who knows him he is not always a good cook and it scared me!@! it was very hard not to be controlling and to allow someone to help me. thankfully i had all my pies done and all i needed to do on christmas morning was make my stuffing and stuff my bird. my mother and grandmother had a specific way they always made their stuffing and that is how i make it as well. when he simply asked to help me i about came unglued!! my stress levels were at like a bazillion!! no way this was the one thing i make every year!! it was almost sad but thankfully i practiced some self restraint and left it at that. it felt as if my head was rolling with everything happening.

with the christmas eve dinner and the extra 2 families coming over i had 6 pounds of meat to cook and i cooked 2 pounds of beans and we went to the tortilla factory to get fresh tortillas because there was no room in my house to make them, my brother could but the mess he makes when cooking it takes me twice as long to clean when he is working!! i had the mother of one of the families bring over some spanish rice and my sister split the cost of food with me so it wasn't all dumped on me then my sister lied to her husband and told him we were providing the food and it was crazy!! honesty is a foreign word in my family they prefer to manipulate and skirt around the truth, to be direct means to be a jerk in their eyes. this is how i grew up and change is what i have managed with recovery, i see where i could be with my life if i were not practicing a good program.

the most difficult part was my brother and his twisted perception on things and allowing him to have his own truth, even if it was wrong. he got some news that he may need dialysis and he tried to tell me that dialysis is what killed my mother. and in the most gentle way i could possibly tell him i said; 'oh, honey, no, cancer killed mom, not dialysis.' and he actually said the following and i am not quoting but this is real close; 'no sue, mom was the first person she set a precedence because no one ever had dialysis and cancer at the same time before, they would have been able to stop the cancer if she wasn't on dialysis!' i mean come on, my mother had stage 4 small cell lung cancer she had a tumor the size of a tennis ball on her upper right lung and it was inoperable. he tried to tell me that small cell is not a death sentence. this from the man who disappeared for 3 months after my mother was diagnosed my sister and i put out a missing persons report on him and it was pretty scary. you know to try and tell me he knew more about my mothers illness then me was really difficult to handle. mom lived with me up until the last 2 weeks of her life, i was the one who took her to every single doctors appointment, every dialysis, every chemo every radiation therapy and he is going to try to tell me something different.

a few deep breaths later and i simply let him have his history and i left it alone, some people you can help and others you cannot, he is one who will not get help. his is like a fish out of water struggling for every breath he takes and the road ahead is clear, and he refuses to take it. instead this child is one who refuses to use a recipe when he cooks, so nothing ever tastes the same, he cooks by 'feel' and 'smell'. it is like cooking with 'the force'. i swear he is this silly, and he changes his truth to fit his needs on a daily basis. he is lost and sad and no one is there to take care of him and i am not responsible for him. i cannot fix it, he needs to cowboy up and be a man and take care of himself, instead he lives off other people and does not work and is waiting for his disability to come in, at 33 years old and to top it off he is now on methadone. but he is not an addict because it is prescribed for pain.

watching him go through his sad life is hard and i think i handled it really well over the holidays. today i am grateful for my life i haven't done a gratitude list in a while so here goes;

1. today i am grateful for my beautiful 3 year old daughter, whose eyes are so dark when you look into them i swear you are swimming in the seas of heaven.
2. today i am grateful for my 4 year old daughter, whose smile absolutely radiates with happiness.
3. today i am grateful that my bean still comes out of her room to sleep with mommy and cuddle with me, i embrace every moment, i am not ready to make her go back to her room yet. i think i will take my time with her...
4. today i am grateful for my recovery and the work i have done in my steps to allow me some integrity and humility in my life today.
5. today i am grateful for my family, my new family and old. it is good to grow in numbers and to have a strong family is amazing.
6. today i am grateful to celebrate the holidays with my wonderful family.
7. today i am grateful my girls and i believe in Santa Claus.
8. today i am grateful for Christmas presents.
9. today i am grateful for the giggles my girls make when the play together.
10. today i am grateful for the noises in my house, it is not quiet but it is full of laughter and love and that is something i didn't always have growing up.

boy did i need that gratitude list. thanks for stopping by and this leaves me with todays thought; "Anxiety is loves' greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic."- Anais Nin

Saturday, January 2, 2010

12 days of what?!?!

hey there happy holidays to all i miss my blogging world so very much!! but christmas is my national holiday and it lasts a looong time!! here is a house decorated by people who are crazier than me when it comes to christmas!! here is Santas mail box.. i am going to bombard you with a quick view of pictures just until christmas, tomorrow when i get on the computer, which everyone in the world but me has been using i will show you what we did after christmas!!!

see they even put baby Jesus in the manger on the roof!! these people have spent in the thousands, did i mention i thought i was crazy about christmas, i made 4 pumpkin pies, 1 lemon meringue, 1 batch of chocolate fudge, 1 batch of pumpkin spice fudge, coconut macaroons, chocolate chip cookies and not to mention the 3 christmas dinners for out of town guests and adopted families!!

here the girls are taking it all in, it was cold out but they needed to get up close..

this is the yard work, sorry it is blurry but just an idea of what is on the ground..

this is the same house by the way all these pictures were of the same house.. i said they loved the season!

these guys even captured Santa Claus!! the girls went nuts when they saw him up there in a glass case waving at the crowd!!

here on the porch they didn't want to leave the Christmas house. boy talk about excited for the big day!! my girls were wrapped in the season and hey so was i, i got my wrapping done before christmas eve!!! amazing i know usually i am up all night no sleep and just feverishly wrapping to get everything under the tree, nope not me i was ready and were we hoping for a white christmas we prayed and prayed!!!

here they are with daddy who had the two weeks off and using the computer a lot, between him and my sister and all the cooking i was doing there was absolutely no getting logged in it was impossible, but i did get some great pictures!!

i think they are both 3 years old in this picture the bean turned 3 on December 15th and Haley on the 28th. my girls are growing so beautifully!!

of course we had to host a party for my girls and the balloons and cake and ice cream and kids going crazy were just about everything i could handle but then i asked for more and invited my brother over to boot!! misery loves company as they say and maybe i guess i was praying for a little patience too.. we went and picked up Wes's mom after the party on the 23, the storm hit on the 24th his family, two brothers and their families, were supposed to come for christmas but the blizzard kept them both away, one in KC one in Dallas so we waited for them until this last week.

more birthday party with what else a chocolate cake of course!! and we got them a play tent with a tunnel and got a great picture of the bean going through it but to do that my "A" got stuck inside it!! her big body was too much and we heard a muffled "help pull me out of here!!" it was so funny...

did i mention 3 Christmas's all at my house, here is the family we adopted at the last minute we went shopping after we were done shopping on christmas eve in the snow storm for these kids who didn't get a christmas this year do to family circumstances and we had a big family party, about 15 people in a 900 square foot home with 3 pounds of al pastor (seasoned pork), 3 pounds of chicken fajitas, 2 pounds of beans and home made tortilla's and rice. awesome Mexican dinner!! lots of smiles and happy faces the season rings true for the looks on their faces!!

girls were shy, boys were excited!!

Haley kept trying to open everyone else's presents

here they are just hoping for Santa to bring them stuff because nothing was left under the tree!!!

did i mention cooking this is my grandmas book circa 1968. i use this for pie crusts and other things i got some pictures i wanted to show a blog about this would be a sneak peek in to a retro blog for the g-man!!

did i mention Santa came?

"A" got her snow boots, has not taken them off since she put them on Christmas morning.

more presents from Santa, we had Mom there my brother stayed the night and i was very impatient with him but i never lost my temper!! growth i tell ya!! save the rest of the story on that for another post, i know i will need it!! mom was sad the brothers couldn't make it but we waited until the 30th for them to make it out and then the one in KC couldn't make it but i met Wes's older brother and his lovely family!! they were awesome people loved the entire day's visit and totally worth the wait!!!

oh, look Santa brought candy!! hooray!!

more presents and more presents and grandma loved it, oh did i mention what i got Wes!! oh my gosh total surprise a hand held espresso maker that doesn't require a 'pod' it uses fresh coffee, something we are very big on here... it is called the "My Pressi Twist" they are amazing just came out this September and Wes had not heard of it!! I got something he had not heard of!! The gadget geek!! and i got it first!! actually he got it and the customer service is the absolute bomb!! they overnight-ed the package to me because i could not afford the 60 dollar shipping they ate that cost!! it was amazing they returned my email and actually called me and said as a Christmas present to me they would do that for me!! awesome. because i had called and asked about shipping costs and they were calculated wrong and i ordered the wrong shipping time and they fixed my mistake to get it here in time for Christmas!! anyway google it check it out it is a really neat product and makes a great double shot of espresso!!

did i mention we got snow? oh yeah

and they had some fun!!! then after clean up we all got dressed up and got a bit serious, seriously...

i mean doesn't that look serious?

So wow i missed two flash Fridays and a top banana award from cliff, thanks so much for thinking of me. you guys know there is a lot more going on but it is midnight, my sister just left a while ago she has been coming over to do her homework because she does not have the software on her computer. i had to confront a freind about her clean time, my 5 years is coming up, my brother is in acute renal failure, my sister and brother are not speaking at the moment, my uncle died of cancer so i sent my auntie some flowers for christmas, my sister is enabling an addict and her son missed christmas because he is in jail, on and on the list of my life and my gratitude shows in this blog because i cherished every minute with my girls and my Wes. Santa got me a camcorder!! wait until i upload video!! i know the kids are going to kill me!! can't help it they are too cute!! oh it feels good to blog, my freind cliff sent me a christmas card, it makes me marvel at this cyber community. and the difference it makes in my life today. todays thought; "When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves."- William Arthur Ward
this makes me pause because when i stop by and read your posts, i am seeking for the best of you and it brings out the best in me and for this i am truly grateful. happy new year everyone