Monday, December 21, 2009

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas....

i hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season!! i am ready for santa!! bring it on baby!! wow so we are hosting christmas for his family this year, it will finally be time for me to meet the living relatives!! for 2 years i had only met gravestones!! his fathers, step-mothers, step-fathers, grandparents uncles aunts... and the whole time his mother was just up the road!! go figure, you know my family is so dysfunctional it isn't even funny, my siblings and i have disowned each other a hundred times over and yet here we are!!

i remember growing up our big christmas's. mom would cook for a week straight!! she would make at least a dozen pumpkin pies i swear to god!! i don't even like the things, the only reason i ate the pumpkin pie was for the whip cream!! so i remember finally asking her if i could have something different, she said, 'what would you like baby?' i said 'apple pie is good' she said 'your peelin the apples!!' so i did!! then when christmas came and everyone saw the apple pie, everyone ate the apple pie, but me!! mom was hot!! so after that we set out to make several of those each year too, i got my pie the next year!! let me tell you i am the only one who knows how to make this notorious pumpkin pie, my older brothers half siblings would come out of hiding for these hideous things!! chris, my older brothers half brother would come in from northern california and sit with mom once a year and eat a whole pie during his visit, then take one home with him. no kidding, everyone wanted these things, and i thought they were gross!! so mom showed me how to make them the way she did and i carry on the tradition!! this year my older sister put in an order for a couple of pies, right now i am making some coconut macaroons and i just made some chocolate fudge, tomorrow i need to get the chocolate chip cookies done, the pumpkin spice fudge and the 3 pumpkin pies one cheese cake and one lemon meringue pie. wednesday we go to pick up his mother, oh i forgot to tell you we got a new living room set!!!

do you remember all last year my furniture debacle, we went all over town looking for furniture, nothing was good enough and he refused the Ashley store, which makes the absolute worst furniture but it is in our price range. well here he goes saying we need new furniture, after a year with this dilapidated couch i have been nursing with Styrofoam(don't tell the epa) cushions and replacing springs on a daily basis, i mean when you sit on it, it eats you!! people who came over, they are still in the damn thing!! now, now after all this time he wants to buy a couch!! what the hell!! so i say to him, 'honey, why now? why do we suddenly need this couch, and why this one?' he said "we have been needing a couch for over a year and we have company coming and there is no where for them to sit." oh, really, when my people came out to visit my mother before she died, we didn't have a need to replace it, but his family decides they are coming out and BAM new couch!!

really i was just giving him a hard time and the fact that it felt very compulsive was making me really nervous. but here i am with new living room furniture!! yeah me!! yeah us!! hooray!! oh it is pretty and cute and i really love it and it was under 800 and so i love my early christmas present yeah to his family and we are finally meeting them!! oops, cookies are calling!!

so where was i, oh yes so here i sit waiting for these yummies to cook and i had a moment to sit and post. this makes me nostalgic i just always love this season and with my babies i am blessed with showing them the magic, and they believe!! i have all my presents wrapped even for his nieces but i don't know their names, we were supposed to get walloped with snow, but the forecast changed to rain on Wednesday so we will hike up north. it is teasing me with snow on christmas eve and the girls and i have been eagerly waiting so i am hopeful for my christmas miracle, of course if snow meant that much to me i could be living in Maine or DC right now!!

next year i will let the girls cook with me, they are really too little right now and my older one does not want to cook this season so here i sit blogging and cooking. my tree is so pretty this year next year i am going to get the multi- colored chasing lights for the roof and then use white chasing icicles underneath them. i haven't found any yard decor that i like yet and i haven't decided on next years theme for my tree either, but that is my indulgence, my one thing i get to do for me and my family. Wes thinks i over do it but i think christmas is magic and deserves the attention.

well i will get to cooking and i hope you are all enjoying this as much as i am the season is exciting and i will post pictures as soon as my computer lets me!! we really got some lights up in this town!! merry christmas everyone!!!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Flash Fiction Friday- grateful for freedom

Every Friday write a short story, poem
or limerick then report to the g-man!! then you can go and
check out all the other bloggers who play this game!!

"Freedom from active addiction
Comes at no small price

We've all committed our sins
and taken our roll with the dice.

Today as I sit and reflect
how my Freedoms give me a choice

Watching the shadows of my past unfold
Today gives me a voice

I'm grateful that I feel
Love makes me real."

Here you go G-man, i am in such a great space right now. i hope to hold on to it for a while but i am not driving, i am not in charge. today i am just enjoying my ride!! Here are a few of my favorite things....

Somethings make me sad and sometimes i get angry. i know today that is just where i am at and i do not have to stay there. i had therapy tonight, by myself, and i am not sure but i think it was ok.

Such a simple smile passed along, to the next generation, my little bean. i can hardly believe she is 3 years old, her baby face almost gone, so much structure and happiness in her little smile.

So poignant and grown up. who taught her to blow pudding kisses? i am grateful today, i am not wasting any time away from my children. i am learning that there are triggers in my past that cause a lot of chaos in my life today. with guidance i can learn to process the past. my therapist says that i spent so long numbing what happened that now it is time to actually process what happened so long ago. then i can get to a place where i can disagree, and it just be a disagreement.

look how hast time flies, she is so precious and 16 already!! graduating early and going off to live her life, i hope she lives. i hope she chooses to face life and all of it's wonderful obstacles with out fear, with an open mind, with love in her heart. i hope she remembers me when she goes away.

my little moments, i enjoy only through the freedoms from recovery. i could easily ignore this and focus on something bad, i am grateful for my treasures in life, my family. look her hair is finally growing in!! she was bald for so long!! where does the time go.. don't blink, you might miss it!! todays thought; "We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the Beautiful Stuff out."- Ray Bradbury

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

quick update

Too busy to blog this week wanted to leave a quick update on my status.
  • i am alive!!!!
  • i have filed for my daycare license because i passed my fire inspection!!!
  • i have wrapped a ton of gifts and have more to wrap!!
  • we have seen a bucket of Christmas lights!!
  • my bean turned 3 years old yesterday!! I now have 2 -3 year old's for the next two weeks!!
  • we got a tummy bug, the bean and i hurled all night on Sunday then seemed better yesterday but last night she had me up again cause she was sick, so no sleep.
  • we are combining the girls birthday on Saturday, sort of splitting the baby and my brother is coming to celebrate his birthday as well, he and Haley share the same birthday.
  • my brother is in acute renal failure from taking methadone that was prescribed for pain now he is addicted to it.
  • my uncle died of cancer this week. this makes 3 of 4 siblings from my mother her sister and brother all gone from cancer. cancer sucks and it scares the hell out of me.
  • i am powerless over people, places and things.
  • breathing now.
  • we are picking his mom up in Topeka next week so my baking needs to be done this weekend
  • i was asked to speak at a new years dance in arc city. but i need a sitter.
  • Wes got jury duty and has to go tomorrow.
  • he has finals tonight.
  • i have had a busy weekend of service work but have not made a meeting in over a week. i can go tomorrow night after therapy.
  • i have therapy with just me and the therapist tomorrow, not sure i like that but i can go to a meeting after. i really miss you guys and can't wait for time to see how you all are doing.
  • i am so grateful for everyone who gave Galen a birthday card, that was awesome, even if it was a last minute deal!!!
  • i have some last minute shopping/birthday shopping/grocery shopping to do.
  • i love therapeutic shopping.
ok i think that is all i got we have to get dressed and out and about today. i hope everyone is well thank you for continuing to read me i really appreciate your time and thoughts. i have 2 of my 3 packages almost ready, we roasted coffee and i think we burned three pounds, not sure haven't tried it yet, but never fear i am going to use the good stuff!! Sumatra!!!! so for todays thought;"A gift inspires another gift, and a miracle inspires the next miracle. It's got to start somewhere; it might as well start with you."--Scott Hamilton

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Flash Fiction Friday-G-mans Birthday

Every Friday write a short story or poem and report it to the g-man!!!

"55 is your magic number
it always makes us stop and wonder

You bring us together with a smile
we all work as one for a while

Today is your birthday so you see
I want you to know your special to me

Today we all took the time to say
'Hey G-man Happy Birthday!'"

Here you go G-man hope you like the special tribute, we are all hoping for a fast recovery and are waiting anxiously for your 55!!!

Happy Birthday Mr. Know-it-all!!

Hey Everyone, Today is the G-mans birthday!! He is feeling under the weather and needs a little boost from the blogging world. I invite everyone to stop by his blog and tell him Happy Birthday, even better copy this card and post his birthday on your blog and then report it to the G-man!!! We can all give him an early 55 Birthday tribute!! See how many people do this and how far we can go with it. I will post this card again with my 55 tonight!! I hope everyone joins in, G-man is a great asset to our community and brings so many of us together every week with his 55, his sense of humor is always just the ticket i need to get me out of my funk and we all know he has WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION on Tuesdays, it's sometimes like a car wreck but i just have to look!! I love you G-Man!! Feel better Soon!!!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Pay it Forward

OK So I have selected the bloggers who i will be paying it forward to, the following bloggers now need to post a "Pay It Forward" on their blogs and do the same. Ann of "Ansters domain" fame,
Chef Kar of "Adventures of One Sober Woman" fame and Mistress Jess of "Journey of the Spirit of Hope" fame I will be getting your contact information, if you just leave it in my comment box, I won't publish it and i will get a hold of you that way. remember you have 365 days to send out your gifts, I will be sending out as soon as I can hear back from you guys, so you may have an extra box under the tree!! have fun and thanks so much for playing. I love the season of giving. I have two little girls who will be celebrating their birthdays this month, we were supposed to have snow today but it all went north of us, like an hour north of us. I just got all my Christmas cards in the mail and i have to take my girls out to see Christmas lights, they are really done up well this year!! The fire marshall will be here on Friday so hopefully i will be taking clients in January!! This is really going to be a great season, i am letting the cards fall where they may and looking forward to Christmas and beyond. So now for today's thought; "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow."- Mary Ann Radmacher

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Flash Fiction Friday- Pay it Forward

Every Friday write a short story or poem or even a limerick will do, i think you could put a recipe in if the numbers were right, then report back to the g-man and play with everyone!!!

"Listen up readers we
can play a game
I've played this before
and it's still the same
If you decide to
give this a try
You don't have to wait
for a year to go by
The season of giving
is great for the heart
and 'Paying it Forward'
is a great way to start!"

Here you go G-man, and if you want to play here are the rules. I played "Pay it Forward" last year and Syd sent me some wonderful gifts. What we do is this, you leave me a comment that you want to play. Of the readers that want to play, I will pick 3 people to give my gifts to. I will get your contact information and I will have 365 days to send you your package. when i post the names of those i choose, then they will have to post a "Pay it Forward" on their blog and do the same. You don't have to limit it to 3, that is just my limit. So if you want to play all you need to do is be willing to give to receive. I hope you all are in the giving spirit I know part of my gift will include some home roasted coffee along with a couple of other things.

OK so here is tonight's pictures from Century II. They had a free evening with Santa, we waited in line for 30 minutes!! Here is the view from topside of the convention center.

Here are the girls in front of a giant snow man!!

Here they had a place where the kids could write letters to Santa. You put the kids name and address on the letter and I guess Santa will answer them. So they each sent one in!!

Here is the 40 foot tree outside, I was a little disappointed with the lights on it, but it is still a big tree!!
And the creme de la creme

The picture with the big man!!! My sisters little ones were with us and we all got to cram in. I was so proud of my girls the bean went right up to him and bopped him in the head with her balloon!! Then she said I love you Santa and gave him a big hug!! This guy was great I told the older boy to give his beard a tug to see if he was the real deal!! He said no way, Santa won't bring me anything if I did that!!!

This is my tree, this year i went with a white theme, can you tell?

We have little icicles and wooden snowflakes covered in glitter. The red sled is from Wes's mom, she gave it to Haley to put on her tree. I couldn't say no, but it really doesn't match my theme. I really am OK with it.

I have 2 of these guys, i thought they were so pretty i can't find any more though. got them on clearance. Haley said the nutcracker talked to her!!

Here is one of 2 swirly snowflakes i got, they were very pretty i thought but the store only had 2 white ones left, undamaged that is so i got them both.

I think my tree looks very pretty this year, not sure what my color theme will be next year, but i really like how it turned out this time.

I hope this post finds you all well and in the holiday spirit, i am anxious to see who will want to play this time. i will be stopping by in the morning to check out all the flash Friday players!! my "A" leaves tomorrow and i won't see her again until Sunday, the girls will be gone Saturday morning through Sunday so my honey and i can have some alone time this weekend. so here is today's thought; "Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend."- Melody Beattie

Pay it Forward

"Seldom, very seldom, does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised, or a little mistaken."- Jane Austen

i sit here wondering about the truth, my truth and his truth, then of course my higher powers truth. last night we had a dinner engagement, "A" had completed her college semester and the awards dinner was last night. She had won a scholarship to Newman University. for science. This is a private, catholic college. while i was baptized catholic i do not practice, nor for that matter do i even go to church. i used to attend one where a pastor named George Gardner preached. i liked him very much he was a good freind to me and my grandmother. he passed away a couple of years ago to prostate cancer.

anyway i let "A" pick the seat and we sat down. the schools father, i am not sure what you call the guy in the collar a priest maybe, anyway the guy with the collar sat down right across from me, he smiled and introduced himself and asked my religious background. i was like well i was baptized catholic but i do not practice and he said well do you go to any church, i said i do have a higher power and i have faith. then i said i used to go to College Hill United Methodist and then to the Unity church both when George Gardner was the pastor. mind you i had a smile on my face and i was very happy, my daughter just earned 2 college credits and she is but a sophomore in high school so i was completely giddy at this point, while "A" was squirming in her seat.

then he says in response to my choice of pastor 'oh the abortion guy'. I said "excuse me?"

if i may give you some background, George Gardner was a man of God. now let me tell you a little story. Once upon a time there was a little girl, she was 16. the little girl met a boy and made a mistake, she got pregnant. the little girl had very little faith and was lost and scared. she started to think about having an abortion. all the holy members of society warned her that if she did this she would burn in hell. they told her she had no choice. but the little girl was brave and decided to go and ask for guidance. she went to pastor George Gardner. George, being a man of God and love told the little girl he would hold her hand, no matter what her decision, and that God would always love his children. Then the little girl went to Dr. Tiller and had the abortion. She continues to go to church to this day. Because George stood by this girl the protesters and many church officials have labeled him an "abortion lover". Let me please set the record straight. I knew George Gardner it was an honor to hear him speak, and never, I mean NEVER did that man ever say he was for abortion. because he wasn't. all he did was tell this little girl no matter what HER decision was it would be OK. See he knew it wasn't his place to judge, but he was judged because of it. I believe George was against abortion but for a woman's right to choose, if that makes sense. I believe he thought love was what mattered most and for people to keep the faith. faith in God is what matters most, and how can you have faith if you are told your God does not love you? I think he was a wonderful man. and those who have followed me a while know my stance on this subject. so back to last night...

The collar guy said George Gardner believed in killing babies, he was for abortion. I said no he was for people. next thing i know we are talking about abortion, at the dinner table where my daughter is about to receive an award for science. he said it is wrong to have an abortion when that happens you are killing children. I said well which is worse to have an abortion, a procedure to get rid of a fetus, or to kill a child after having it when you weren't spiritually ready to have one? he said there are far more abortions then there are childrens deaths. I said no not now because they killed the doctor who performed them, now no one will they are too scared. he said oh they are still happening, i said between Kansas City and Austin Texas there is not one single clinic left. Nobody will do it for fear of death. He never said anything about being wrong killing my other freind Dr. Tiller. Then he said well the statistics show more abortions, I interrupted him and asked him if he watched the news lately? that is simply not true. there was a case a woman got 72 years, they showed pictures of her skeletal babies who were nearly starved to death. Andrea Yeats, Susan Smith neither of them believed in abortion. Not to mention the hundreds of other children everyday being killed at the hands of their parents. he then said, this is a pretty deep conversation so early in the evening. I said i didn't mind having a conversation, i wasn't trying to change his mind and i knew he wouldn't change mine. but i did tell him in a perfect world yes those women would get pregnant would carry to term and give them up for adoption, but we do not live in a perfect world and these women do not think about that, they think about themselves and do not know what they are getting into when they sign up for a kid.

Then we stopped the conversation and he changed the subject to why was i not involved in the catholic church. i tell ya this guy was pushy. but he was sweet and i admired his conviction. i like it when someone has a strong faith and believes on their truth. he kept saying the catholic church was the only church that was the truth about God. and that is good for him, however if that is the case, i am going straight to hell no matter what. right now i am living in sin, i am a recovering drug addict, i stole thousands of dollars i used people i did Satan's work for so many years, even if i did 1000 hail Mary's i would probably sit in purgatory for all eternity.

This is just what the doctor ordered, a discussion on theology. and why i don't go to church. It is funny i really thought so, when i first came into the program all my beliefs of God were that he hated me, and I was OK with that, because i hated him right back. and i was going to burn in hell anyway, with my wayward father. so those first 3 steps took me a couple of years. The powerlessness was easy it was 'coming to believe' and 'trusting in a higher power, or God' that I had big issues with. and i can't tell you how I got from point "A" to point "B" where today i have faith and trust in the God of my understanding, and that he is loving and caring. but i did and i am glad i did. I am really glad i stood up for George last night, i think he smiled at me from heaven. if i found a church with someone who preached like him, i think i would go again. but so far i have not found a church i like. i am looking though, even though Wes has this huge mental block on it, i really think it is important to teach my children what Christmas and the birth of Christ meant to the world and why we celebrate today. I know when they are a few years older like 6 and 7 we are going to spend our Christmas adopting an old folks home, i chose that over a homeless shelter for safety precautions, but they will take the time to make gifts and give them out to the people there. i think showing them the true meaning of giving and what the season is for will keep them appreciating it for years to come.

tonight there is a tree lighting ceremony down town, we are taking the girls i will take pictures people have really kicked it up a notch on decorating this season so i think you will really enjoy the next post, which will be a 55. i have just taken what happened at therapy and set it aside. i think what the therapist wants to do makes sense, i do get way over emotional and i am not ready to talk about these things as i need to learn to not get upset. i hope she will have some good things for me to practice with.

as far as you guys i want to thank you all so much, your sweet and endearing comments help me so much. i love having you guys around and i think you mean the world to me, really. i cannot believe the support from complete strangers that i get and yet it also gives me hope to keep the faith.

OK so now that i am in the mood and have Christmas cards to mail out I think it is time for this years first installment of "Pay it Forward"

The way this works is if you choose to do so leave me a comment that you want to "Pay it Forward" then i will pick 3 people to give my gifts to, I will have 365 days to mail them out. If you are one that is chosen you will post a Pay it Forward" on your blog and pick 3 people to give to, actually you don't have to limit it to 3 but in order to receive you have to be willing to give. Last year Syd chose me and gave me some wonderful gifts from his part of the world, I played the game but was still very new to blogging so I didn't get any takers. I think this year will be different. But it is December and the Season of giving so lets start with today!! It feels so good to give and i am feeling much better, not thinking about the stuff that bothers me and staying right here in the moment is a wonderful place to be. so that leaves me with todays thought;"Don't look back on happiness, or dream of it in the future. You are only sure of today; do not let yourself be cheated out of it." --Henry Ward Beecher

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

therapy sucks

i am just a little sad now, i am tired of being angry. wes says i think being angry is more important then our relationship. he thinks i would rather be angry than humble. i think he would rather be right then humble. i don't like being angry, it is hard to calm down. i did not kiss him good by this morning and i am not going to call him today at work. he has some big test at school today, i don't need to interfere with that.

i really do feel we would all be better off if i moved out with the kids and gave him his freedom back. it would give me my freedom as well. i just do not see this working out. he refuses to understand me. he doesn't care how he makes me feel. and right now he makes me feel really bad about myself. he may say i am way off base about what he thinks, he may even go so far as to say i don't know how he feels and it is not fair for me to say that, but if he doesn't tell me otherwise i am left to my own conclusions. and today they are negative.

i know making relationships work takes work. funny how i thought the therapy would help and all it does is make me feel bad. i mean what is the point if it leaves you feeling raw and all this stuff out on the table unresolved. what was the point of picking at a scab if all you are going to do is watch it bleed.

the sky is very gray outside, in fact it is almost white, like it is about to snow. i hope so, i like it when the sky is gloomy, especially when my mood is as such. i think i will just work on my daycare contracts and wait for the fire marshal to show up.

we had a wonderful visit with his mother last week. i was out of town on friday and did not post all week. his mother was a joy to have and it felt like i didn't stop cooking for 123 hours straight!!! my sister won a turkey dinner from the boy scouts, go figure, so i didn't have to cook for her, i did call her though to see if she wanted to come over, then on thursday morning she called and asked if i had an extra pumpkin pie she could have. i did my baking on tuesday and wednesday and if she would have asked in advance i would have said yes. so i simply told her no.

i didn't hear from my brother all week. my sister told me he had asked to stay with her for a couple of days and she told him no. then i saw him online on gmail so i sent him a chat on monday asking where was he. he said he was still out of town. i said where and why had no one heard from him on thanksgiving. he did not respond so i simply said ok you do not want us to know anything as long as you are still alive, drop me a line sometime. then he goes into this long dramatic story about how his sister burned him and all this crap, i just shut the damn chat down. i was so angry with him. then he sends another one about how he was sad about dad, not mom, and that is why he stayed away on thanksgiving. oh give me a flippen break already.
so then he calls me and i let him have it. i really laid into him.

i said larry i don't want to hear your pathetic excuses on why you want to crawl into a hole and die. do you think your father would be very happy that you are using him as an excuse to not be a part of your family, get to living or get to dying. parents die. that is what they do nobody lives forever and you are wasting your life and i am sick of hearing about how fucking sad you are about dad. he said i thought you would understand. i said you know what, i have a life i have 3 beautiful girls who deserve to know their family and if this is all you got, i can find them plenty of other uncles who are willing to show them how to live. i don't want them to see someone who just wants to die. god i am just so sick of the pathetic crap, my god it has been 6 years and yeah we can spend a moment or so to reflect and be sad but dang, i really don't think my parents wanted us to rot away sad that they are gone.

so he has been calling me all happy go lucky ever since. i don't know maybe he will show up for christmas, maybe he won't. at this point i really don't care. i really enjoyed just having such a wonderful time with my family this last holiday. i don't know if wes's mom will come again for christmas as she has other children that want to spend time with her, and this is fine too. my little girls will be celebrating their birthday's this month, the bean will be 3 on the 15th and haley will be 4 on the 28th. i have a little money in my bank account and i am going to take them sometime in between birthdays to take their 3 year old pictures together. i have never been able to do this before, as we tried one year but one girl ran this way and the other went that way and we were chasing them all over the studio for an hour. we finally just gave up. i think this year they may sit still. i won't ask wes for the money, as i know we don't have it we just paid a bunch more bills and his tuition is due and our savings had dwindled to a pathetic low. i hope that by next month i will be taking interviews with potential parents for daycare. i have my parental contracts i am working on. i have looked up the local prices and my prices are going to be set by the week. i will be open monday thru friday and i have set prices by the week instead of the hour. i will give them an extra half hour each to give them ample time for pick up and my contract will include all of this.

i keep looking out my window and seeing a leaf fall here and there, and at first glance it looks like snow, my heart gets excited and then i see it is only a leaf... oh well maybe for christmas. i think i will make some hot cocoa and go enjoy my girls for a bit, i will continue to try and stop by and catch up on everyone i have been off line for so long now, i did get my newsletters done!! and they will be here today!! we have a world wide NA workshop here in town on saturday so i am excited to have them available for the event. my children will be gone for an over night visit with their aunt and adrianna will be in marshfield until saturday night, so she will either go to a friends house or to my sisters. i was planning a date night with wes.

i don't think i will talk to him about anything important any more. at least not until after the therapist appointment on the 17th. i just do not feel like his partner. and he just refuses to understand this. maybe a date night will help, maybe it won't. i am not very optimistic today. today i feel really sad about our relationship. but i will try to continue with therapy and see if the next few sessions keep leaving me feeling like this, and if they do i will just call a stop to it and we will go from there.
i am not as angry as i was in last nights post. i needed to sleep i guess. i am still very unhappy with the situation but i am coming to a bit of surrender and acceptance. i don't like being manipulated and told i have to stop feeling something. the therapist said i 'flood' easily. she spent half of the freaking session telling me to breathe. i felt like telling her to fuck off. i was very upset to say the least. so now she wants to give me some pointers on calming down. so we get to have a session all by ourselves!! i feel like a big girl now!! by the way if you didn't get it that was sarcasm.
so i guess it is safe to say i am still carrying some very raw feelings towards last nights session. so here is my thought for today;"Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right."— Ezra Taft Benson
i am looking for what is right today, i need to quit focusing on me being right. and right now i don't know what is right and i feel that i am wrong.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

one of those days

ever have one of those days where you read the instructions and just don't understand them? this guy obviously does not know how to launch a boat. i obviously don't know how to communicate. i am emotional, right now my feelings are very raw and i am very angry and i want to be alone. i do not like therapy i feel really bad after being there and i want to end it. everything, i am feeling very selfish and i know if i was out of the picture i would not ruin any more lives. i am sick and tired of being sick and tired. it has been almost 5 fucking years and i still can't get shit right.
we had therapy tonight and i absolutely am sick with it. i hate wes and i hate the therapist right now. and i am not allowed to discuss with anyone what was discussed. apparently, 2 weeks ago after the last session i went into the room and called someone to talk about the session and wes heard this. so he didn't like it. mind you this is the first i heard of this and he had ample opportunity to talk with me about it, 14 days to be exact. but he waits until the end of the session to bring this up. i am angry right now, i am full of venom and i wish he would just fucking go to bed!!! i was all crying and emotional and i couldn't get out of there fast enough and he is hollering at me to wait for him. why, i don't want to. then he tries to hug me and love on me, he tells me to quit being angry and to let it go, we are on the same team. screw the same team, if we were on the same team he would have told me his issue before the end of the session. and that was just the icing on the freaking cake!!! i can't talk about it though!!!

i am in a really bad space it is all negative and i just want to leave. i want to take my kids and get a small place where i can start my daycare and he can have everything else. i will buy my own furniture and towels. i don't need or want anything from him right now. and he wants a HUG!!!

therapy sucks, i am going to turn off my Christmas lights now, they are running too much electricity, god knows i cost him enough money.

if you have any prayers i could use them because "God save me from my anger" is not working for me right now. hopefully tomorrow i will be in a better mood and can tell you all about our holiday, it really was wonderful.