Tuesday, November 24, 2009

random thoughts

i got these sent to me and i think they are awesome, happy tuesday everyone!!

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this-- ever.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

My 3-year old daughter asked me in the car the other day "Mom what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with alcohol than Kay.

i have had such a busy weekend. we had a good time on wes's birthday. we went and picked his mother up yesterday and have had a wonderful visit so far. i have a meeting i am going to tonight. no matter what. i am going to make some goodies today and work on my newsletter and try to get it to the printers as well. busy holiday week ahead, not much time to blog, just an update, i am still going crazy in my head. luckily i am surrounded by a very loving family.

one crazy note, my sister spent about 60 bucks on wes for his birthday and now is hinting that she has nothing for thanksgiving. she hinted to wes not me. i am not sure how to approach this. i think the best thing to do is directly tell her if she wants to bring a ham for thanksgiving that would be awesome, because i have been feeding her family on a nightly basis as she comes over to work on her homework and doesn't cook when she does. i don't think i am asking too much for her to contribute to the dinner. i think i will call her and leave this message for her as i know she was planning for her daughter to come out and she was going to have a big shin dig at her place, those plans fell through after the Fort Hood massacre, they are not letting any soldiers come home for thanksgiving, so my niece is stuck in South Carolina, and they are shipping her out soon.

My computer is having real software of operating system issues. i tried to paste these thoughts in a different font and colors, for fun and when i preview my post it looks real weird. so i will publish it and see what happens. Everyone please have a safe and wonderful holiday, remember there is so much we have to be grateful for today.

today i am grateful for my loving family, my cozy home, my inner strength and humility to wait until i can work an issue out. there is food in my fridge and freezer, i am almost completely out of debt, my bills are paid and i am in fantastic health, i have lost 9 pounds!!! and i am financially secure today. i know a lot of people will be waiting in lines for free food this holiday, that won't be me. i know some people view this as a way of life and others have no choice. i am grateful i have priorities today and know how to spend money. we may not have much left over, but we all have clothes on our backs, clean water to drink, hot water for a shower, a working washer and dryer. today i have some of the most simplest yet amazing luxuries to be grateful for. i am grateful i can appreciate right where i am today, tomorrow may be different, but i know what to do if i need help. for this i am grateful.

what are you grateful for today?

and i will leave you with this thought, hopefully i will make it by to read up on some of my peeps, thanks for stopping by;
"If I change the way I look at things, the things I see change."- anonymous

Friday, November 20, 2009

Flash Fiction Friday- struggling hope

Every Friday write a story of 55 words
no more, no less and report it to the G-Man!!

"how do i stop this tension in my head,
when the demons are playing
with all that went unsaid?
I've struggled and screamed,
i cried on the floor
letting go is the answer
i can't fight anymore.
this dream of "us" i
will pray to hold
because the love i feel
will never grow old"

I have been struggling this week and this is where i am at, here you go G-man. Wes's birthday is this weekend, his friend has decided to do a surprise party tomorrow, so there won't be any conflict, but we are still going to stay home on Sunday. i just feel like i was used by my friend as her scapegoat, her excuse to leave the group. and i don't like the way that makes me feel. Wes is off for 10 days, he will be putting in a lot of studying and I will be cooking and visiting with his mother. i am looking forward to it, she is a nice lady with no one to visit. she lives alone and i am a good housekeeper and i think i am good company. plus i really miss my mom and this will be nice to have a mom again, even if i am borrowing his. there really is so much to be grateful for. when i get out of the way life is pretty good, i just need to remember it is not 'life on Suzie's terms' it is 'life on life's terms.' if i want change i need to make it.

i will i know i can and everything i am learning now will only benefit me later. i am truly grateful for all your thoughts and comments, thank you for taking the time to not only read, but to leave comments.

i will be reading up on Mr. know-it all's spot in the morning to catch up on all of Fridays players, and to check out my own dash board. Wes will be in school till 11 am then we are off to lunch at his friends, he doesn't know it. i made a collage of his rafting pictures and had it blown up to a 20x30 and framed and mounted, his friend picked it up for me, his friend is sitting in the front of the raft with him, and he just though it was awesome. so i think my honey will like it. i wanted him to have it hanging in the room so when he wakes up in the morning he sees he has some good things to be grateful for. i think he is grateful, i just think i read way too much into what he says. i am so used to people who manipulate are say one thing and mean another, that i just take for granted he is not that way.

it takes me a few days to get humble and to be grateful for my life. it sickens me how i behave when i am lost in an alternate reality. i twist the truth and i become really angry and spiteful.
i don't like this about me. i still feel like i am not being heard, and it makes me resentful. i really don't know what he thinks, and i don't like that either.

i know he loves me, i know when i come at him with all my thunderous emotions, he tries to calm me down and tells me 'we are on the same team, i am not your enemy.' when i am angry i feel like he is my enemy. i REALLY need a meeting. here is my thought today; "hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and do the right thing, the dawn will come. you wait and watch and work: you don't give up."-Ann Lamott

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

surrender to the next level

no sooner did i hit 'publish post' yesterday, then my bean came to me and said 'mommy i need to go potty'. i swear i almost cried. she asked 4 or 5 times yesterday.

now for my real post. we had therapy last night. i am very angry over it today. i am acting out in anger over little things now and i know why i am angry, but do not know how to surrender this. it's such a long story but i have to try to get it out so i can function today without being angry.

we discussed finances last night and the fact that i feel very subservient to Wes. we had an argument the other day about going to a meeting. i was invited to go to the women's meeting but it would mean "A" would baby sit for an hour. Wes asked how much did we owe her already, he then said didn't you go to your sponsors this week? and i was like yes your right, then he said it is regional weekend and we will be owing her 50 bucks for that. so i did not go to the meeting, in fact i have not been to a meeting in over a week. he told the counselor that he wasn't saying i couldn't go to the meeting, but this is what i am talking about. i am a little kid in this what ever you want to call it, relationship i guess. so that was not the part that upset me, we discussed how i tend to feel like a victim and then he brought up captain stupid again and said it is like i think he is him or something.

this is what upset me, the counselor then started to talk to him about my perspective and he said he had this fear that one day he would come home and i would make some obscene purchase and we would not have money to pay bills. he said that has happened before and it will NEVER happen again, period. not that i ever have access to any money, besides the 25 dollar allowance he gives me once in a while, like every couple of months.

so here is my situation, i have no job, i have no income, i have no reasonable family left to help me, i am not allowed to go shopping, when i make a request for something, remember the Harlem globe trotters, it makes him feel bad or gives him fear that if i did have access to money i would go and do something like that. and he stated, when she said well if you came home and she did this it would simply have to be taken back to the store, you know make a big purchase without consulting him, he said oh there won't be a possibility of that ever happening again i will never be put in that position again.

this was not said in the meeting, but I have never, ever put him in that position, his ex-wife did. she was a real treat, he knew her for less then a year and married her, they were together for almost 3 years and he divorced her and it was ugly. she put him through the ringer. right now i hate this woman with every fiber of my being.

i did not say anything about his comment of the situation. i felt like, this is never going to work between us. he has no trust in me, then in the same sentence he was saying 'she thinks because we get into arguments we are not on the same team!'

we aren't on the same team, he has me pigeonholed and just pushed far enough away not to trust me. they talked about 'his' budget and that i need to respect that. i thought it was our budget, and i do respect that, does this mean i can't say i want something? he wants things all the time, in fact he talks about me asking for too much, he went to a men's retreat and spent a couple of hundred dollars, how did that fit into his budget? he went to Colorado and spent about 500 dollars, was that in his budget? i went to a sleepover that cost 15 bucks, and i am not frugal enough!!! my ABS went out in my car, we did nothing for it, he decided his new truck was running rough from the trip so he bought new shocks and had them installed , then it was still a little rough so he spent a little more money and had his tires rotated, my car hasn't been serviced in a year, but i am the one who makes all the big purchases because i said i wanted to go to the Harlem Globetrotters, oh and the other thing we were in Sam's club last summer and i saw one of those wooded playgrounds, you know with a slide and swing, it was 400 dollars and i asked him if we could get it. he said no i let it go and he brought that up to the therapist ooh, i am some big money hungry bitch or something out to get his money.

like i don't? and to top it off after i was left feeling about 2 centimeters tall, we get home and my sister needed me to watch her kids, she said, i don't have the time to go get the 12 bucks to pay the lady for watching my kids can you watch them?!? do you think she paid me? no. then when i was bathing the kids, they were splashing too much and Wes came out of his room and screamed "Everyone out of the F'n tub now!!" if that didn't trigger captain stupid. i haven't spoken to him since, he came out of his room late last night and apologized for getting angry, but with all the crap that i am not allowed to talk about because of this 24 hour rule, and the fact that i am now in this irrational thought process that this morning i wouldn't even give him a kiss good by.

so now it won't matter why i am upset, because of the fact that i am holding on to being angry, no matter what the reason, i will be the one who is wrong. we do not see the counselor until the first of December.

really there is nothing i can do, they are his feelings. as far as i know he will always be afraid of me and not trust my judgment when it comes to finances. that is fine with me, but don't be a hypocrite and say we are on the same team when there is no trust.

i don't want to ask him for anything, i have to this is the situation we are in. i have no job, i discussed getting one and he said in order to afford the sitter for our kids i would need a job that paid 15 bucks an hour if i was going to have any money left over. every time i try to do something that would make money it only costs money and now this damn daycare thing, i can't even purchase a mount for my fire extinguisher. we have to go to a manufacturer and ask them to get one and god only knows how long that will take. at this point i just want to get my license and get a clientele and make my own money so i can leave. then he won't have to worry about me messing with 'his' budget and he will never have to worry how i spend money, it will be my money.

he just emailed me and asked to get him the information the counselor told him about some online test we need to take and it costs 75 bucks for each of us to take it. if he decided to i will tell him to go ahead, i will not spend 75 dollars on this, i don't need to know my personality. i am just there and i do not want to accept that it is just where he is, because i feel he will never change. i think it will only get worse, look how angry he was last night, it gets easier you know. to yell. it is like i turn men into abusers and if i stay with him much longer, that is what he will become. that is where i am at today, and i don't like being here.

here is my thought today, then i have housekeeping, and a ton of running around to do. i believe this a very appropriate thought for me, it helps me with humility and looking at my situation without building it into something it is not. when i read over this, again, because i will, it will help me to surrender a little bit more, and just accept where i am at because right now there is nothing i can do to change my situation so here goes; "Gently remind yourself that life is okay the way it is, right now. In the absence of your judgment, everything would be fine. As you begin to eliminate your need for perfection in all areas of your life, you'll begin to discover the perfection in life itself."- Richard Carlson (Don't sweat the Small Stuff)

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

why won't she go potty?

look at her, ain't she cute? why won't she go potty?!? we have been practicing for a long time now, a month. she absolutely refuses to go, i have to take her down there and sit her on the potty. we did good for the second week. she even did #2 twice, now it is like she is reverting or giving up.
i am not sure i have patience for this. i even went and bought her a new potty chair. we got stickers for when she goes. there is nothing i can do but try to be patient.
i know she is ready, she has all the signs, main one being she pulls those diapers off. she fights every time we need to diaper change and i mean fights. she knows when she goes and she can go all night and have a dry diaper. so what does it take to make a child go potty? well how about another perspective...

Why do we bother to potty train at all?

i mean dogs just go. your gonna go weather you want to or not and by the time a woman has had a child she needs to start wearing a diaper anyway because every time she sneezes she leaks a bit.
so i ask ya, why are we torturing our children and tampering with our sanity to make them go potty in a round tub that needs to be cleaned out every time any way? might as well be a diaper.

old people need diapers, why aren't they potty trained, or were they and they just forgot? we forget what we learn. if we had everyone go back to diapers, and i am talking about cloth diapers, we're going green here, then there would be way less unemployment!!

can you imagine the giant changing stations manned with people who were there to change you and then others to clean the diapers. a ton of jobs right there, and imagine how much water we would save on not flushing the toilets!! we wouldn't even need indoor plumbing, we would replenish the earth with more water because of no toilets. no more plunging over flowing toilets!!

landfills would shrink because we would not be wasting so much non biodegradable diapers and dumping them on the earth, welfare lines would be a thing of the past, if you need assistance you automatically have a job working at one of the massive changing facilities across the nation!!!

would this be a Utopian society out of some novel or what?!?people would be motivated to learn and get an education it would also cause more kids to go to college, because they would not want to work in diaper changing stations!! you know it is hard to talk them out of working at fast food, but a diaper changing station, i tell ya every teenager would have straight "A's" and dream of being rocket scientists!!!

So now that i have solved half of the worlds problems and started us on the path to world peace, how do i get her to go potty?!? back to reality i go. i need some serenity. i feel like a failure because she won't go. there is a place in town we go to. very peaceful, every night at nine the "Keeper of the Plains" lights up.

there are 5 or 6 of these round gas burners that light up every night for 15 minutes

here is a view from the bridge, you can see the keeper up top there

here he is about 50 feet tall, it is very peaceful and serene and calming, it calms the stresses of the day away, and since i pay taxes it costs no out of pocket until april. all cities should have such a place, it sits on the river and you can here the water flowing and warm your face by the flames. watching the night. very, very peaceful. i come up with my grandiose ideas sitting on the benches by the river, did i mention it is polluted? maybe why my ideas can get way out there. but hey it looks good on paper, just imagine the possibilities...

so here i sit praying for the willingness to give her time to learn something she is going to unlearn any way. which i guess leaves me with today's thought, very fitting for this post; "Be willing to be a beginner every single morning."

--Meister Eckhart

Monday, November 16, 2009

It's Snowing!!!

well no not really, but it did in Dodge City!! but that is about 3 hours from here. the news just said we were going to get flurries today but nothing yet. i am hoping if i pray real hard i will get snow. the girls and i are keeping our fingers crossed and our eyes glues to the windows!! we love to play in the snow. oh how grateful it is not to have to worry about going to work in snow!! we get to play!! i feel guilty.. no i don't this is so cool i hope it snows!!! EEEEE

i love snow, can barely contain myself, and Christmas is coming!! My girls and i are so excited!! gosh i can't wait for Thanksgiving to be over!! Wes won't let me put up decorations, well wait he said i couldn't put the tree up before Thanksgiving, he never said anything about decorations...hmm. Well isn't THAT an exciting revelation!!! oohh everyone loves the summer, me i love this weather, 36 degrees out a gray sky, wet leaves on the grass that stick to your shoes. the girls call them 'tree stars' from the movie ' The Land Before Time' .this is cuddle me weather. i like to cuddle with my girls and get warm and fuzzies on and drink warm hot chocolate and watch the snowflakes fall... it is heaven on earth.

well did everyone survive friday the 13th!! Oh My Gosh I nearly died!!! Let me tell you about some very unnecessary chaos, and i will tell this because i would like some advise about how to proceed. OK Wes's belly button birthday (we addicts celebrate a clean time and belly button, our belly button refers to the day we were actually born) on November 22, so i emailed his best friend and his BF's wife to see if they were available, no plans yet just wanted to know if they were going to be here. his friend emails me back with a plethora of ideas, totally excited to do something for my honey. my thoughts, which i hadn't had a chance to share were something like this to go to his house for dinner and surprise party for Wes. We do not have a lot of room in my little home for guests and his buddy does great parties for recovery folks. well he sent me a couple of ideas and said to call him, i started to bathe the girls when my phone rings. mind you all i wanted to do was have a nice party for my honey...
it was another friend in recovery who is celebrating her 10 year clean date, also on Wes's birthday. she informs me that she just talked to Wes's friend and that we are all set to go to her birthday bbq/ wedding tye-dye party. and we could order an extra cake for Wes's birthday. The kids would have a lot of fun and it would be an all day event. I said cool that sounds good. Then i call Wes's friend back and we discuss this. first off he called them to see if they would want to come to his house to celebrate Wes's b-day. They told him they had already invited Wes and me to their house for her party. not true i had not heard about this until after they talked to him. then i said well it was a nice gesture. Wes's friends concern was this, what would Wes want, he does not have family who celebrates his birthday. to piggy back his birthday on top of someone else's celebration would not make it about him. granted i probably would not have changed my mind but i felt he was right, and i also felt pushed into doing this because it would be easier for me not to have to plan anything. the real deal was i wanted to do something special for Wes. so i asked his friend if we could have a party at his house for Wes. So when the other gal called me back i told her i had decided that we would stop by for her party and then i was going to do a separate party just for Wes. that was all i said.

then all hell breaks loose. these two people are home group members, they are now leaving our home group and are very angry with Wes's friend and blame him for me changing my mind. it was a big old fashioned pre-teen cat fight with those two, i felt completely in a tug of war, 'no your my friend! no your my friend!' stop the insanity please!!!!! ok so i call my sponsor and say, ' sponsor i am upset please help me.. she says OK i am getting a friday the 13th tattoo right now but what is up!! are you serious!! yup!! i got the coolest sponsor!! would your sponsor answer her phone during a tattoo!! i tell ya friday the 13th is insane people are nuts they loose all forms of reason and rationality. and they take me with them. so she tells me she would have been upset too if i had chosen not to go to her party for my boyfriends birthday, you don't celebrate 10 years clean everyday. but that she definitely took it to a whole other level that it did not need to go, she should have told me she wanted me there when we were talking not running to her boyfriend and leaving the group and calling people names. now, Wes's friend called me back and said he was not going to buy decorations or have us over, this way we could go over to their party, and he would just take Wes out to a one on one dinner. Well now i don't want to go to the other peoples house, i feel totally forced, now i don't know how to respond to her. she used me as a scapegoat to quit our group and she created a whole bunch of chaos and said hurtful things to friends of mine and Wes's when all she had to do was be honest with me. tell me what is wrong, i didn't want to hurt anyones feelings. all i wanted to do was plan a birthday party for my honey. so at 10 years clean, if i am causing this much chaos in people lives, someone better call me on my shit!!!

so when Wes came home, i was a mess, i had screamed at my children to go to sleep, i really acted out and i don't like that at all. he asked me what was wrong and i had to tell him. i did, i just couldn't lie to him and then just go to this other persons house for his birthday. so i asked him what would he like to do for his birthday. he said why what do you have in mind, i broke down and cried then told him everything that was insane and going on in one little day, remember i was trying to surprise him so he knew nothing of what was going on. he smiled, and said wow what a compliment. so many people wanting us to be with them. yes a truly humbling perspective. i was honored at that point but still in a predicament. so my honey simply said what he wanted for his birthday was a little cake and pointy party hats for me, him, haley, the bean and nana. right here at home small, sweet, intimate and special. i ask ya can you get any better then that? so he gave me a big hug and told me not to cry, i did not cause all the chaos by asking people to be part of his birthday. but still, what do i do with this gal who still wants me to go to her birthday next week. i had told her we would stop by before all the insanity but i do not want to be pulled into any more chaos, nor do i want to push her away, she is going through a lot and she could have handled it better, but she is pregnant and hormonal and a sweetheart, i need to set a boundary though, i don't want to own her chaos just to be a part of her life. and i don't want what happened to happen again, i want her to be direct with me not go to other people to make a big mess when all she had to do was talk to me. so i ask ya, what should i do, i did call her and she did not answer the phone so i said 'tag your it!!' nothing yet.

we had our regional service meetings this weekend and it was amazing. i love service work it was real great to be a part of the solution. now i am going to work on some Outreach posters for our region. i hope that they reach members and that it encourages them to help, step up to the plate and help. so i am still waiting for snow, we will go to the gym next, and i will see if i have lost any more weight, i was at 7 pounds last week. i am truly grateful today and i am excited about the holidays and i have some new decorations i am in the market for a new tree topper though, the theme of my tree it will be white and silver with homemade decorations so i don't know if i want an angel or a star, i don't think a bow would look right this year so i will keep looking and when i find it i will know. i will post pictures when it is all up. oh and grandma is coming next week which means i need to put my pictures back on my walls. i took them down to paint two months ago and i didn't want to put holes in my freshly painted walls. so for todays thought and it's a good one;“The best thing you can give yourselves...is the gift of possibility. And the best thing you can give each other is the pledge to go on protecting that gift in each other as long as you live.”- Paul Newman
Blogging fills my heart with the possibilities of what we can do. thanks for stopping by, have a great monday!!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Flash Fiction Friday- Remembering Dad

Every Friday write a short story of 55 words
no more, no less and report to the G-man!!!

"You had a way of charming everyone Your smile and stature were hard to miss You loved and laughed and were lots of fun It's hard to believe you left us like this The doctors told you to take your meds You wouldn't listen you thought you had time You died quickly with plenty unsaid."

Candido Larry Estrada
April 8, 1936- November 15, 2003
Here is my daddy with "A" at a family reunion. She was about 7 at the time and loved her grandpa very much. He died on November 15, 2003, on his way to midnight bingo. I hate bingo. I will be off this weekend doing more service work in McPherson. It will be so good to see so many people in recovery. I was angry with my daddy for so long. I held his ashes in a box in storage, for fear my brother would come over and steal them, for 5 years. After mom passed, i bought some miniature urns, 5 sets, for my brothers and sisters, and my "A". I filled them with both mom and dad, then took the rest of the ashes and let them go over the Vermilion river where the Oregon trail crossed Kansas. it was a beautiful place filled with rich history and the river lead out to the Mississippi. Mom and Dad would have enjoyed going together so that is what I did. Here you go G-man a tribute to my dad, someone who never knew how to say ' I love you'. And sense i am posting early because I don't know if and when I will get a chance to post , here is an award I received from Chic Mama earlier this week, thank you so very much. I really appreciate the bonds we create here in cyber space.

The Dragons Loyalty Award!!

I will award this to the following bloggers, those who have been here from the beginning of my blog and some new faces who are tirelessly loyal to their blog posts. Feel free to click on the links and go give them a shout out, i know they will appreciate all your kind thoughts.

  1. Syd of 'I'm just Fine' fame. an amazing person who works a beautiful program and uses his insights to help so many. thanks for all the wonderful thoughts you have sent my way.
  2. The Dragons of 'Dragon Lair' Fame. of course we could not have a dragons award without giving a shout out to the original dragons of course, those who so cleverly use the quilly words to delight so many every week. you guys are amazing with your words.
  3. Shadow of '1 door away from heaven' fame. Shadow has been her from almost the very beginning following my blog and being so very, very insightful. her poems are so thought provoking and healing as i read them. i am truly grateful she has been here all along.
  4. Indigo of 'shattered prose' formerly of 'scream quietly fame'. she has always been such an amazing presence here and when she takes her breaks she is sorely missed by literally hundreds of readers. i am truly humbled that such a unique individual would take the time to read my thoughts.
  5. Lou of 'subdural flow' fame. the direct and open honesty from this lady says it all. thank you lou for always taking the time to stop by and see what i am up to.
  6. Cliff of 'WIXY' fame. Cliff is a wonderful person who always takes the time to use his blog to introduce us to so many new bloggers, he is a great piece in the blogger community as he connects so many people to each other. it is an amazing gift when he gives you a shout out. it was his shout out to me that got me some of my readers, so thank you Cliff for all you do.
I really have to cut this double post short now and leave with my daily thought; "The most beautiful things in the world are not seen or touched. They are felt with the heart."- Helen Keller

Monday, November 9, 2009

weekend update

well i had a beautiful weekend i hope everyone else did the same. i would like to thank everyone for stopping by and commenting on my flash fiction friday. that was awesome. you guys are amazing. i have been working on some new artwork in photo shop this weekend and i am getting ready to get my fire marshal certificate. finally.

i finished my 7th step this weekend and it was very humbling. the questions took me though some of the things i have been struggling with lately. the following is taken from the 'Stepworking Guide of Narcotics Anonymous'

"We should not confuse humility with humiliation. When we are humiliated, we are ashamed; we feel worthless. Humility is almost the complete opposite of this feeling...
we've been stripping away layers of denial, ego, and self- centeredness. We have also been building a more positive self image and practicing spiritual principles. Before, we couldn't see our strengths because the good, healthy part of us was hidden behind our disease. Now we can. That is humility."

"Many of us came to NA with a certain "street" mentality. The only way we knew to get what we wanted was by approaching it indirectly and manipulating people."

"Humility is our own sense of humanness. We will focus on surrender, trust and faith, patience, and humility."

Some of the questions have been difficult to understand and I have often turned to my sponsor and the women in recovery and asked for guidance in the meaning of these questions. Recovery takes real work, work on myself so i can work with others. The purpose of step work is to stop living my life like a using addict. The minute i walked into the doors of Narcotics Anonymous I knew there was something different. Here were a bunch of people who claimed to be drug free, and I don't mean just from pot. These people claimed to use drugs like I did. some of them even worse than me. And they were happy, joyous and free. They were happy without drugs. At first I did not believe these people were addicts. After a while of coming back I saw they were not so perfect, I saw they still had demons they were fighting and even though they were not using drugs they were still using something. In NA we focus on the disease of addiction, not what you used. Addiction continues to manifest itself in our lives on a daily basis. Now a lot of addicts find themselves fighting the obsession and compulsion in different ways. Some of us use sex as a drug, and there are those that prey on newcomers. some of us use food as a drug, to fill the emptiness inside. Our denial blanket is very powerful and at times we don't even see it ourselves. that is why it is important for an addict to always be told the direct truth. We can easily deny it if it is not staring us straight in the face.

I often wonder why so many members choose to not work this program. it is not easy, there i said it. we are addicts and our entire lives we have always looked for the quick fix. the miracle drug that will cure our problems. And some of us found that. the miracle drug, the one that will cure us from ourselves. and some of us die without ever knowing true freedom from active addiction.

i see members who live by the program, usually most of those members are at the regional business meetings. i truly get inspired by some of them. there is one lady who hardly ever sees eye to eye with me on anything. she is truly one of my favorite people. because this gal doesn't just have that 'i'm right and your wrong' attitude, she always sits down with me and explains her point of view using the traditions and the concepts of NA. and i learn so much from that. i love having an open mind to know i am not right, and with people who use reason and traditions, i don't have to be right i am with the right people and i get filled with the thoughts that it will be OK.
Well I haven't been to the gym in a few days and I was set to go today and I didn't care if my babies were sick, well now I have the sniffles and I am exhausted. I had it all planned out, no matter what... this is so funny because I read the daily meditation today and it says; 'There’s an old saying we sometimes hear in our meetings: “If you want to make God laugh, make plans.” '
Ain't that the truth!?! So here i sit a little more humble, a little more grateful as I surrender that today, I will not go to the gym, today I will rest. I am OK with that.

We had our area business meeting yesterday and I must say it was the first time in a long time that I felt good about it. I agreed to type up the minutes for our chair, he is a great guy and I am OK with filling in from time to time.

We are potty training the bean and I am suffering from "The Potty Training Blues" and it is difficult for my ego i guess. I am doing it wrong!!! that is what i tell myself. But one thing i have noticed is that my haley has not had one accident since we started training the bean. And she has gone quite a bit, but she won't go or tell me she has to go. In fact I usually have to chase her down and carry her in there, as she giggles all the way. and that is the most frustrating part, that she is so full of self will, to not go. and if she would just follow my will... so i am learning a new level of patience, to say the least. so here is my gratitude list;

1. today i am grateful i surrendered to this program.
2. today i am grateful i am clean and serene.
3. today i am grateful we have 2 new groups coming to our area.
4. today i am grateful to get to stay home with my children.
5. today i am grateful for the freedom from obsession and compulsion.
6. today i am grateful for my relationship with my higher power.
7. today i am grateful i finished step 7.
8. today i am grateful for the willingness to continue to step 8.
9. today i am grateful for the rain outside, it cleans the air and smells so fresh and new.
10. today i am grateful for my home and my family.

i can just go on and on i am so grateful for all those who continue to read my blog. it gets sad when i lose a follower but i do not let it bog me down, i have a great group of friends i never would have imagined who have been stopping by for over a year now and it is truly amazing how therapeutic blogging can be!! Oh and i need to give a shout out to Mom and Dad over at 'An addict in our sons bedroom" Congratulations on being invited to write on "Partnership for a drug Free America". If you get a chance stop by and say hi!! They are truly an amazing pair who have turned the pain of their son's addiction into such a powerful and positive venue for others in the same situation. so for todays thought; "The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one."- Elbert Hubbard

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Flash Fiction Friday- serenity

Here it is your moment of zen...
Every Friday write a short story, poem or limerick
of 55 words, no more no less and then report to the G-man!!!

"As the moon is setting high in the sky
The clouds and stars are flying by
A calmness surrounds you as you take a breath in
You can hear waves crash and let the salty air in
This place to meditate is personal to us all
We find humble strength when life comes to call"

Here you go G-man!! i needed some serenity in my mind tonight so i remembered the beaches in Laguna and got inspired.

It has been a hectic week and i still need a meeting. i got some service work done for my region and i am excited that the meeting is in a couple of weeks. i miss not being around like minded people.

i have had a lot to be grateful for these past 4 years, and yet this little addict can manage to twist up reality into something it is not. i have done this before and blogged about it as well. it is a roller coaster ride that i cannot get off of. i am an addict and always will be. i strive for perfection and i am so imperfect. i want more so i reach for it, forgetting the it is in the reach and not actually getting the 'want' that is important. life is so very precious and short and i need to remember to live it as best i can and be happy as often as possible, that is what the creator wants for us all.

i will leave with this thought tonight, then i will visit everyone who is playing this week through the g-man. so today's thought; "The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same."- Carlos Castaneda
Have a great weekend everyone, i will be stopping by!!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

anger management

Sometimes when you are angry at someone it helps to sit down,
take a moment to cool off, and think what you can do
about the problem...

Today i have had issues with my anger. i don't know why, i was just angry, everything got me angry. i could not surrender and i don't know why. it was like 'self will run riot' and then some!!

i am trying to be humble about the session but it is eating my lunch. i know i have harped for a while now how i am not being heard, and i am not understood. and now it is like, is this really all about me? you know that saying i have? the plaque that sits on my wall, it rings so true, it is funny but it is not. it says; 'i know you believe you understand what you think i said, but i am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what i meant.' it is me. it is so me.

i did not go to the gym today, so i know that hurt my attitude, my babies have the sniffles, again!! poor little things i gave them some medicine and they felt better but i am not going to expose other kids and get them sick, that is just rude!! and that is what happened to my babies!! i wish the nursery there had one of those wands, you know like the bar code wands at Walmart, and they could check to see who is sick and who is not!!

my oldest had college today, so did Wes. i have to call the school on Wednesdays and ask for 'A' to be let out early so she has time to eat before she goes to class, then i load up the kids to pick her up, we usually take about 15 minutes for this so i didn't pack anything, like a tippy cup. or extra pants...
well today we sat there in the parking lot for 40 minutes. i was fuming!! fuming!! kids with runny noses, snot plastered on their poor little faces, they are both crying because they are thirsty and i have nothing to give them!! and i am doing her a favor!! i call the attendance office and ask if she got her note, this is the 3rd time i talked to the gal today. she said she sent it over an hour and a half ago, i called at 2 this was now five after 3. then school lets out and here comes 'A'. she claims the teacher never got the note. i called her a liar i know she has a routine coming up that requires extra training, she probably thought i was going to be late so she could practice a little more.
so i let my anger get to me a lot today to say the least. i couldn't enjoy or appreciate much today and i do not like myself when i am like this. i want to blame someone else for my behaviors, typical addict thinking, and all i could think to be mad at was the session!!

i need a meeting. i have anxiety about going to one in town. addict running wild in my head not wanting me to be healthy. i don't like feeling this way and i need to feel better. i need to fix something i just don't know what, or i do know and i can't quite put my finger on it. maybe i am getting squirrely as my clean date is around the corner.

this is just where i am at today. i have faith that tomorrow will be better. i appreciate having a place to write it all down and get it out of my head. funny i trust my peeps with more of my stuff then the peeps in town. i guess it makes it easier because if i get a bad comment i can delete it, here in the real world i can't just delete someone in front of me who gossips!! that would be the next form of great technology though now wouldn't it. hhmmm... so that just leaves me with this thought; "Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth."- Benjamin Disraeli

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


'we humbly ask him to remove our shortcomings'
as i work this step i am learning more things about myself that i never knew before. i thought i was an angry person. i thought i was not worth anything. that last sentence still rings true for me.

we had our couples counseling tonight. of course she asked the question; 'what brought you to therapy?'. and of course i answered, me. because i feel there is this huge gap in our communication. and i know i am right. we don't see things on the same level and i don't know how to bridge that gap. somehow i feel the session focused on me, as i did most of the talking and crying. he is very rational and thinks about things a lot. the therapist came to the understanding of our personalities and that his is that of a 'thinker' and mine a 'feeler'. i thought well that's a stretch.

i think i am relieved to have been heard, i mean she understood that when i talk to him, and i do this a lot, but when i am trying to get my point across, sometimes i get emotional, and when we disagree and he is missing my point i start to elevate my voice. i come from a long line of screamers. that was how i learned to communicate is by screaming. this is something that i have been making great strides in. not screaming, and yet when we disagree i take it there because , i don't know it is like maybe if i say this louder, maybe he will hear me.

that usually makes him say 'what are you doing?' which pisses me off and then he is like, why are you yelling at me we are on the same team. and he said when i yell i make him feel like the enemy. at which point what ever it is i was trying to say has gone completely out the window and now i am wrong because i got emotional.

i felt like the session went a bit that way tonight. although i kind of took it there. because i am honest and admit when i am wrong, but it felt like it was mostly about me. it also felt like she understood though the thought process we were going through and tried to explain to me how when he comes in to a situation he is trying to look for a solution as 'thinkers' do. and this may come off as detached or calloused on the 'thinkers' part and they may be way off base so of course we are missing our mark in communication. so we go back in two weeks and she wants to know about my mother....

i thought, why doesn't she want to know about his mother?

wes and i cannot speak about what was said in the session for 24 hours, that is her rule. we have to wait 24 hours before talking to each other about what we said. and me being the addict i am, wants to know right now what he thinks about what i said!! insane aren't i? i promise not to let them embalm me g-man!!

i feel though that i am on the right track here, if it is my shit and it probably is, then i want to see it for what it is and deal with it. if i am being too hard on myself then i need to work on that. i need to allow myself to stand in my own truth and ask for what i need.

i know this, i love him very much. i know right now that he feels the same about me. relationships take a lot of work. i am willing to do whatever it takes. even if it means to get my shit out of the way so we can be.

gratitude list haven't had time to post comment or be grateful lately so here goes;

1. today i am grateful for the willingness to look at my issues and own them.
2. today i am grateful for the wonderful Halloween we had!!!
3. today i am grateful for my creativity in getting costumes made!!
4. today i am grateful for my willingness to make mistakes and learn from them.
5. today i am grateful for my family, who loves me in spite of me.
6. today i am grateful for my health.
7. today i am grateful for sticking to my diet, so far 7 pounds gone!!
8. today i am grateful for my recovery family.
9. today i am grateful my bean went #2 in the potty!!!
10. today i am grateful for my ability to blog and for my blogging buddies!!!

i still have my Halloween decor out i need to bring it down and get ready for turkey day. i only ate a couple (2) pieces of candy and managed to lose another pound even though i missed the gym for several days last week. i did have trouble speaking up this weekend when it came to getting groceries and what i needed for my diet. we talked about that tonight too. Wes went to study as he has a big test coming up tomorrow so I called a gal in recovery to talk about the session then had to blog about it just so i am not anxious when he gets home. i don't think he will have anything to say about what i said and i need to be ok with that. because it doesn't mean he doesn't care, it just means he has nothing to say. today i am grateful that he is willing to work with me through what ever it may be, and it may be me. even though i think it is him. so for todays thought; "Of all the 'attitudes' we can acquire, surely the attitude of gratitude is the most important and by far the most life-changing."-Zig Ziglar
(Zig Ziglar's Little Book of Big Quotes)

Sunday, November 1, 2009

You've gotta see this!!!

Happy Halloween Y'all!! We had a beautiful day of 70 degree absolutely perfect weather!! Here's Thing 1 and Thing 2 as I promised!! I think the costumes were absolutely perfect!!

We had a Dr. Seuss theme going of course, Sam I am and of course the Cat in the Hat!!

Here you can see my poor seam job on Sams costume!! The hat was 3 bucks we went to the dollar store and bought 3 little red hats and sewed them together. We got red and black sweats for the cat and the things and I cut the white felt and used fabric paint for the words. We used a piece of cardboard and some leftover felt and more fabric marker for the words. Tinkerbell is my girls little grandbaby, ain't she cute!!

Here is thing 2 smiling, then she was off and running. The rest of these pictures are of a place in Wichita called Broadview St. It is a neighborhood in College Hill that does this elaborate decorating every year. It is so crowded that it is almost a street fair. Apparently this year the city asked the property owners not to do this because the traffic was such a problem trying to get through the streets. So the home owners hired private security this year and paid to block off the street!! They really go all out with these home made decorations I had to show what a little cooperation between neighbors can do.

Some scary stuff here as you walk by...
In this next picture you can see a big speaker for scary music being played, they also use dry ice and lights for ambiance,

Of course this is Kansas no Halloween would be complete without the Yellow Brick Road and the Emerald City!!! They covered the front of their house with this decor!!

Don't forget Dorothy dropped a house on the Wicked witch!!

Here is the Nightmare before Christmas!! Hand made decorations!!

This one really scared the bean, she turned around without any candy!!

Look at this Pirate ship!!!! They built this thing coming out of their front porch!! And yes that is Wilma on board with all those scurvy pirates!! I don't know where Fred Flintstone is but there is his wife!!

Harry Potter fans love this one!!!!

One of many grave yards!!

This house had animated floating ghosts flying over head around the house and over the side walk!!!

And look at this HUGE castle they made to put in front of their house!! I just love the work that was put into this for our children!! These people decided not only to continue the Halloween tradition but to pay, out of pocket, for security and to have the street closed to traffic for 3 block!! I am very grateful for the passion these people have and what they give back to the community. I am grateful my children get to enjoy this!! My little ones got there early enough to be able to walk slowly and take it all in. The crowd started to build as we were leaving. They walked a total of 6 blocks collecting candy!! they were worn out!! it was awesome, i love the holidays. I hope you all had as much fun as I did this season!! oh and more to come with Wes's birthday and Thanksgiving in November, 2 birthdays in December plus Christmas!!!! Oh what a wonderful start to the season!! I promise to catch up to the Flash 55 tomorrow!! Here is todays thought; "Gratitude is the memory of the heart." ~Jean Baptiste Massieu, translated from French