Thursday, April 30, 2009
First off I would like to thank Lou from Subdural Flow for honoring me with this beautiful token of her friendship. This new wonderful world of blogging has been such a blessing in my life, it is like an online journal and along the way I have made some wonderful new friends. So I will pass this award around and like Lou suggested if you would like to pass this on then you may, this is not the first one of these I have received and I still do not know how to post it on my blog like other bloggers do, but progress is I do know how to link you all up~!!
First there is Fireman John over at Stop, Drop and Recover. I love his witty quotes and his Friday questions. And i thank you John for being a new friend to me.
Then of course there is Syd, who so graciously sent me his wonderful "pay it forward" gifts. I still haven't got anyone to send some to, so maybe I will send some back to you. Thanks Syd for your wonderful comments from the other side of addiction.
I have to give thanks to Lisa of "Wearing my heart on my Sleeve" with such a great sense of humor I love sharing your joys and heartaches of being a mom to someone like me!
I would also like to thank Steveroni for being a new friend to me. I am truly blessed to be a part of this community of "Sober" folks who have a common bond, thanks steve for all your wonderful support.
I would also like to thanks Noelle from "Portrait of a Human heart" for all your wonderful comments and beautiful poetry. i am truly graced by your thoughts and reflections today.
Speaking of poetry I would also like to thank Larry G and Shadow, both of who have always been so supportive of my blogging and I just love that both Shadow and I share a common nickname with our kids; the bean.
And of course i could not say I have new friends without mentioning Suz and Cliff. Suz of "my life as a busy bee" and Cliff of Gone Bananas fame I love them both and as you can see this list can just go on and on. isn't blogging wonderful. I may have to do a second list I almost forgot Indigo and Angela gosh I really love all my new blogging friends and i would go on and on but i will stop now so i can make breakfast for my girls and get ready for Fridays 55 see look I didn't even mention g-man. I love this and thanks to everyone who stops by and leaves me comments they are truly my favorite part of blogging. If you would like to see why I call these people friends just click on their links and drop on by their sites. todays thought;“I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy. Let's face it, friends make life a lot more fun.” Charles R. Swindoll
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
1. i am grateful for today.Living in the moment is such a precious gift for me it enables me to not worry about the past or the future and just live for today that is why it is called the present.
2. i am grateful for my home. it is small and cramped for space, but it is mine and i am not in danger of losing it to the banks living with in my means keeps my family secure.
3. i am grateful for my past, and though there are many things from my past i do not like, everything about it has helped make me the person i am today.
4. i am grateful for my sponsor. she has a few more 24's than i do and does not co- sign any of my sh*$. it is important for me to hear the truth even if it hurts so that i can deal with reality and let it go.
5. i am grateful for my beautiful little girls, all 3 of them. everyday as i watch them grow i feel so much love inside it hurts. it is such a good feeling.
6. i am grateful for miniature marshmallows. i love to watch them melt in a cup of hot cocoa on a cool winter evening.
7. i am grateful for toilet paper. and one day i will be grateful when my 3 year old does not use an entire roll in one shot.
8. i am grateful for BBQ's. and all the health benefits from cooking outside, even in the rain.
9. i am grateful for being willing to continue my stepwork and finally identifying "insecurity", "low self- esteem" and "pride" as character defects that i am willing to let go of.
10. i am grateful for being clean today and being able to be of service to NA.
Some gratitude is of the serious nature and some is of the simplest nature. i love variety in my list today and i love having a sense of humor today. as for my thought;"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis."
What are you grateful for today?
Monday, April 27, 2009
it is truly amazing where this journey of recovery has taken me when i look back to where i came from. and it is Hope that keeps this process of recovery alive and well in me and every addict walking this journey today. i know for a great deal of my adult life i had lost all hope. i believed there was nothing left good in my world and life was not worth living. i remember that time very vividly and i hold on to that memory because it is so easy for me to forget where i came from. i also hold on to that memory every time a newcomer walks into the rooms, be it a relapser or a first timer, i hold on to that precious moment when i received the gift of desperation and was ready, finally to ask for help. and every time someone walks in off the streets it fills me with a new hope, a wish that this program of recovery may be given to that member and the miracle work in their lives as it has mine.
as i watch my beautiful little girl make that innocent little wish as she blows the seeds from the dandelion i hold on to that moment it is a good one and i watch the seeds fly away to their destinies, to create more hope for more people in the world. so go ahead and make a wish!! blowing dandelions is like the program of recovery, we can only keep what we have by giving it away, and what a way to give!! may your days be filled with hope. today's thought;
rather a person with a certain set of attitudes."
Friday, April 24, 2009
Can you imagine a moment in time, a moment where everything is still? A time for just a split second everything is at peace? I have moments like this and these moments combine to give me clarity when life throws a baseball at my window. Today I simply get it fixed and turn it over!!
Well I almost forgot with all the action around here to leave a 55. Sorry it is a bit late but we had to go fix my window. What do you think G-Man?
Todays thought; We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.- Randy Pausch
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Today is my gratitude list so here goes;
1. i am grateful for bathing suits with built in life jackets. Instructions not included.
2. I am grateful for the innocent faith in children, who still believe if they push hard enough they will push that tree over. Everyday they go outside and try to push the tree over. And someday, they just might!!
3. I am grateful for the bonds of sisters. This is a friendship that will last for a lifetime. A beautiful sight to watch on a daily basis.
4. I am grateful for my new toothbrush and being able to reach those hard to get places.
5. i am grateful i still have teeth to brush after all my using days!!
6. i am grateful for my willingness not to live in chaos today.
7. i am grateful i do not own my family's chaos today.
8. i am grateful i have willingness to fail today. else i wouldn't be growing a garden, i just would have given up.
9. i am grateful my garden is looking like a garden more every day.
10 i am grateful for my faith in this program and that not only do i trust this process i work it daily.
so i added some visuals to help you see what i am grateful for today, life is good today as for my thought; The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out; the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. The brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They are there to stop the other people!- Randy Pausch
What are you grateful for today?
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
"how can god let all these bad things happen in the world?"
I struggle with the answer today. not because i believe that "God" lets bad things happen, but I have faith that when bad things happen, it is not at the hand of our Higher Power but more "self will run riot". Still the question remains with the still suffering, "why would a higher power let bad things happen to good people?"
I am grateful today that I do not have that question in my head and yet I cannot explain why I do not believe and it is like just having faith. And there en lies the rub.
It is hard to tell my daughter that kids die too, you know she has had 2 schoolmates pass away in as many months and she is angry about it. This is one touchy subject that she will not accept, and I know that she is not ready to accept it so I do not push it.
You know i guess part of me thinks less of myself when i don't have the answers, I mean i used to be the one blaming God, it was God who took my father away, it was God who let me get raped it was God who let my unborn babies die. I too had the same hatred for a God i did not understand. So I was OK with being a using addict because I was raised catholic and I knew from everything I was taught that due to my sins, I was headed straight to hell in a hand basket, so why try to be good, i knew the almighty was up there ready to smite me and I knew that he hated me and I hated him right back.
So how did I magically get from there to here? Narcotics Anonymous. Stepwork and an open mind to learn or unlearn everything I knew or thought I knew about a higher power. I still have trouble using the term God even though that is who I choose to believe in today. my past prejudices aside i prefer to use the term that helped me come to believe which is a Higher Power.
And here is the sad part for many of those lost or looking for something to fill the emptiness inside, and that is that so many of us have been hurt for so long that we are unable or unwilling to see that the emptiness we are constantly trying to fill with something outside ourselves to make us feel better can only be filled from the inside and our surrender to a higher power.
Today I am grateful, today I have faith in a loving and caring higher power. I pray today, i do not go to church, i go to meetings i read daily meditations and I listen for the message. I have faith today and that is such a miracle for me. every morning when I wake up I choose not to use and i choose to live life today. I don't have all the answers and what's more I don't want them, I would just like to be able to give this gift away like you can give someone a card and it puts a smile on their face. yet this is not something I can do for someone else this is something we all need to do for ourselves. I have hope today that if I can lose the desire to use and find a new way of life, anyone can. today's thought; "Pain is an experience. Suffering is a choice."
Monday, April 20, 2009
For me I read a daily meditation from Narcotics Anonymous called "Just for Today". There are a couple of other meditations I read as well and I really liked todays reading so I thought I would share it with you.
“Addiction is a family disease, but we could only change ourselves.”
Many of us come from severely damaged families. At times, the insanity that reigns among our relatives feels overwhelming. Sometimes we feel like packing our bags and moving far, far away.
We pray that our family members will join us in recovery but, to our great sadness, this does not always happen. Sometimes, despite our best efforts to carry the message, we find that we cannot help those we hold most dear. Our group experience has taught us that, frequently, we are too close to our relatives to help them. We learn it is better to leave them in our Higher Power’s care.
We have found that when we stop trying to settle the problems of family members, we give them the room they need to work things out in their own lives. By reminding them that we are not able to solve their problems for them, we give ourselves the freedom to live our own lives. We have faith that God will help our relatives. Often, the best thing we can give our loved ones is the example of our own ongoing recovery. For the sake of our family’s sanity and our own, we must let our relatives find their own ways to recover.Just for today: I will seek to work my own program and leave my family in the care of a Higher Power.
This is the strength I get from my meditation today, and the freedom to live my own life is a wonderful gift. I hope that, for those of you struggling with this issue, that this reading may give you some solace and peace of mind when you have to detach from the insanity of your addict in your lives today.
If you like the reading the book is called "Just for Today" and is published by NAWS. Or you can simply go to na.org and click on the link that says "what's new" and click on the Just For Today subscriptions and they will email you the daily readings. Just thought i would share this resource for those who may be interested.
Todays thought; Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step. --Martin Luther King Jr.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Gillybean got up early the other day when I was not at home. Daddy found her without her diaper in the toy box. He thought he saw those little chocolate Easter eggs on the floor making a trail to the toy box. That is until he picked it up!! Yes he picked it up with his bare hands and sniffed!! Just look at that grin, how could you get upset at her?
Did you know it takes sunlight to make seeds grow?
I didn't know that, and yes I am kicking myself in the butt for it, but not giving up. I have a lot of faith and I know there is a learning curve. You know I gave them fresh water and planted them inside as I was instructed and I even put a heater on them. I didn't know they needed sunlight I thought they needed to be in the dark!! Poor little things I planted them right and then I just killed them!!
Did you know that a half inch puddle of water could splash up to and beyond 20 feet?
When we were out in front planting the herb garden I had to run my water there in front and some of it spilled over to the walkway. Gillybean came out in her t-shirt and diaper and started splashing with her teeny tiny feet and when I looked over there she had all her hair soaked and mud up her nose!! Not to mention what was on my back side!!
Did you know that no matter how perfect the timing is, when ever you plant a garden there is a monsoon like storm that very same evening?
We just planted our garden today and there is about 10 inches of rain coming down with lightning and all!! My little "runtlings" are out in this, first I kill most of them with no sun now it is going to rain them to death!! Not to worry though we sowed way more seeds than there were starters I figured the little ones, may not make it so I planted all over again.
Did you know that cats poop can get larger than a dogs poop!!
Our shed door had a 4 inch gap opening and there was cat poop in there that was so big I had to go around back and look for a hole in the wall that would have let a dog in!! Nope just some crazy stray cat in my shed. Pooping!! Big Poop!!! I was scared of the cat!!
Todays thought;- Better to fail spectacularly than do something mediocre. First Penguins are the ones that risk that the water might be too cold.- Randy Pausch
Friday, April 17, 2009
Today I put herbs, lettuces and spinach in my old flower bed that we filled with compost last week. I soaked the compost and made sure the soil was wet throughout. So I just planted fresh seeds and decided if the good lord is willing they will grow. Provided I water them enough. It is so funny I mentioned to my boss that I was starting a garden, and then I brought in some fresh cole slaw and she asked me "is this from your garden?" he,he,he... She was serious though and I politely said "no I have just planted some seeds it will be a while for my garden to grow. Now I have to plan where I will plant what. Good God there is a lot involved in this process, but if I get one cucumber and one head of lettuce then it will all be worth it!! Just kidding!!! i want more I am an addict I can't lie, I want a huge victory garden. A garden that screams HAH!! to Walmart and I won on my grocery bill!!! I can eat healthy damn it and it is affordable!!
By the way the picture i posted were one of my Gillian or jellybean and two of my Haley.
I believe I am addicted to comments given so I will continue with the flash Friday deal, seeing as I am going into work Tuesday through Thursday it makes it hard to catch up on everything and I kind of go backwards in my readings. So this weekend I will be gardening, mailing off the last of my newsletters and getting ready for area service. I am so thankful to all who comment on my blog so thanks for stopping by. todays thought; "You have to see every potential roadblock as an opportunity and a benefit."—Suze Orman
Gratitude gives life meaning. Learning to embrace a love of life gives me Hope and Faith. Watching a cute pair of jeans go up past her ankles, oh how fast she grows. Brushing her wild hair to keep those curls manageable is a reminder of long ago. On days like this I walk with Mom.
Sorry I missed Gratitude Wednesday, I thought I would make a gratitude flash for my girls. I love their smiles. Here you go G-man what do you think?
For my thought today:
| It's...best to assume that heaven is right here, |
right now, and let the stars fall where they may.
Monday, April 13, 2009
control, ego and pride
2. Which items from your closet are you wearing most often?
3. Last thing you bought?
a haircut and colorweave
4. What's for dinner?
grilled flounder with mushrooms and zucchini
5. Say something to the person who tagged you;
I am so grateful I found your blog Shadow, i truly enjoy knowing you
6. Favorite vacation spot?
I think it would be Italy, if I ever get to go.
7. When was the last time you told your Mom you love her?
January 15, 2008
8. 3 things to do before you die;
Bungee jump, base jump, para sailing
9. Reading right now;
NA basic text
10. What's the last movie you saw and enjoyed, rate out of 5 stars.
Gran Torino- 5 stars +++
11. Guilty pleasure;
Chocolate, baked potatoes and a cold pepsi
12. Name the last blog you visited and left a comment on before this one? ( link and info please)
Syd of I'm FINE- Hi Syd!!
13. What is your favorite sound?
The moment of silence before addicts pray
Rules & invitation to participate-
1 Respond and rework
2 answer question on your own blog
3 replace one question and add one question
4. tag eight bloggers
This post requires a tag and i hope those who i tag will have some fun with this. It is fun to get to know each other so my eight include; Cliff of WIXY Gone Bananas; Busy Bee Sue; Steveroni of another sober alcoholic; Tyra from Finding Happiness; Syd of I'm just Fine...; Michelle Dawn of Rusin Round up; Findon the Rapacious Creditor; Noelle from Portrait of a human heart.
Todays thought;"When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves."
--William Arthur W
I was not going to let a little rain deter me, after all we were up until 1 in the morning stuffing over 300 eggs and getting baskets filled there was no way we were going to try to do the hunt in a 900 square foot house and I was not going to cancel it either. This moment will never come again even though there will be more Easters and holidays, this one will be the only one and it is a great one. Turn up your volume so you can hear it!!
This has to be the fastest hunt in history because my sisters husband decided the kids needed help to get them out of the rain so he started picking up the eggs as soon as he pulled up and he filled all their baskets in about 2 minutes!! I hope this video loads up this is too cute not to share with you.
I have a meme to post from Shadow tomorrow, and then gratitude Wednesday and then on Friday I will take another stab at the Flash 55 and see what the G-man thinks, I really enjoy the wonderful comments that fill my mailbox, it is my favorite part of blogging. Today's thought; Life is like a mirror. If you frown at it, it frowns back. If you smile, it returns the greeting.I do not know the author of this thought, I just like it.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Meditation can heal the soul, thoughts can open a mind. Listening to others can teach you to
be real. Honesty will bring out the true feelings inside.
“We learn to experience feelings and realize they can do us no harm unless we act on them.”*
Do earthlings have the same issues with feelings as Addicts?
Here you go G- Man, my very first Friday Flash 55, is it therapeutic or is it just a bunch of garble?
* IP No. 16, For the Newcomer published by NAWS.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
I made this award for a few bloggers I have been following. I know there are more out there deserving of this, so if you wish you may pay this forward to anyone you know who has been able to persevere through the rough times and see the hope on the other side by copying the award on your blog and then doing as I did with the links,and be sure to let the winners know they have an award.
The following bloggers are an exceptional bunch of people in the fact that they have addicts for children. I truly am grateful to be able to see addiction from my parents point of view. I never had this perspective before and there is a lot of heartache when I read, but as I continue to follow I also see Hope, and that is where the magic is, if you don't believe me just check out the few I have listed below. And again Thank You to All you very Special Parents of Addicts, you are a blessing that all too often go unappreciated and i wanted to take this chance to say Thank you.
The first award goes to Mom and Dad of "An Addict in our Son's Bedroom". I started following this blog a while ago and I am so very grateful that I do. When reading this blog i get the perspective of addiction from my mother and fathers viewpoint. I understand completely what I am going through and what other addicts feel, it is such an honor and a privilege to see Mom and Dad's point of view.
The Second goes to Lou of "Subdural Flow". Lou is a wonderful mother who has such a beautiful way of sharing her life as she watches on the sidelines the trials of her addict. I am truly blessed and honored to be a part of Lou's blogging world.
The third award goes to Lisa of "Wearing my Heart on My Sleeve". Lisa has such a beautiful sense of humor as she blogs about her life with Teens!! And she also shares about the wonderful support she has to get through these hard times. Her blog is truly a wonderful resource if you are looking for solutions.
The next award is for Laura, of "Enabling Love". Laura is a wonderful mother and grandmother who shows me that you do not need to let the chaos of your addict make your life miserable. Thank you Laura for having such a positive outlook on life.
The next award goes to "mother of a Drug Addict". "Mom" is probably one of the most toughest women I read about. She is honest and loving and very opinionated. I truly appreciate everything "mom" has to say. I often wonder if my own mother were like her, would I have gotten clean sooner. Thank you "Mom" for the honesty and courage you put fourth in your blog it is an honor to read.
As you may have seen a theme here, I am dedicating this blog to the parents of addicts. Those very special people who are able to love us when we cannot love ourselves. Thank you for all that you do, I just wanted to take the time to tell you guys you are important and loved, just in case you hadn't heard it in a while.
I hope this does not offend any one out there going through such turmoil, this is only an attempt from one addict to say thank you for everything. Today's thought; "If you see failure as a monster stalking you, or one that has already ruined your life, take another look. That monster can become a benevolent teacher, opening your mind to successes you cannot now imagine."
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Today is Jimmy K.'s birthday, it is also my birthday, I apologize for any confusion on the last post. I started it on Friday and did not get it done until Saturday. Terribly busy the last few days, today however I did not do much but sit with my family who spoiled me rotten.
Happy Birthday Jimmy!!! Thank you for leaving this beautiful seed that you and your friends helped to sow so that a simple little addict like me could celebrate my belly button birthday clean, with love and fellowship. My gratitude to those who came before me, thank you.
So as the story goes on April 5, 1973 at 6:15pm I was born. After 36 hours of hard labor!!! Uphill both ways!!! No drugs to numb the pain!!!
This is the story that went down in our house my whole life every year. Except of course the uphill part, those were usually saved for when I was asking for some new sneakers, and mom or dad would tell their tale of woe growing up how life was so much harder. Barefoot. Do you have any of those old stories? I went to the storage unit yesterday and found an old, old picture of my great, great grandpa. It is really dark and is wrapped in paper. It is not on paper but some thick plastic or some other kind of material. He is standing outside a worn down looking wooden house, it looks like it is in the plains. I heard that a lot of my mothers people came from back this way, in fact i heard that back in the 1800's there was a family, by the name of Bender, that were a bunch of murderers. My grandfathers people were named Bender and my Uncle actually found a museum here in Kansas about them. He is not sure if we are related or not. The picture I found was my Grandmothers grandpa, so I think that would make it 3 greats I am not sure. I would like to preserve this picture some how and try to clean it up to see some clarity in the face. I feel very nostalgic today thinking about my family and history.
I also felt a little, no a lot guilty about the gifts and the money I received. I was given instruction to spend this only on something I wanted for myself, like getting my nails done or hair. You know it has been since my mother died, that was the last time I did my hair. I talked about getting it done but didn't because my hairdresser moved away. So this weekend my daughter went and got her hair done and the gal did a great job and her price is significantly less than what i paid before. Again I feel like a taker, and after watching Suze Orman tonight I expressed this to Wes, who told me that I needed to do something for myself. Like I said I am incredibly spoiled here. My sister and her family came over and brought a huge lunch and several presents plus an ungodly huge cake!! Did I mention the balloons!! Flowers, cards and the love was amazing. Truly a blessed day and thank you to everyone out there who takes precious time out of your day to think of me enough to read my thoughts.
G-Man you would love this for your retro post, I found an old Scripto lighter with a yellowed glass outer shell and a little medal airplane in it, it is dated 1960!! I guess my grandpa like the lighters so he collected them. I also found an award about my great grandpa, who was a captain in the fire department in Colorado. it was dated 1916. I think, my brother went online and looked it up and found an old newspaper article about a huge warehouse fire in a print shop and there were 3 firemen killed and a fourth not expected to live through the night who was in an iron lung. That was my great grandpa. He didn't pass away until 1936, black lung disease, all i remember grandma saying was her mother was a Christian Scientist and she killed her dad because she wouldn't take him to the hospital, she believed in prayer not medicine. It was my uncle who told me "the rest of the story..." I can still hear Paul Harvey's voice saying that. Can you believe he passed away!! I grew up listening to him, my grandma and my mother both listened to him.
I don't feel old today. I feel loved. I went to the gym on Friday and will go again in the morning. I have a lot of good thoughts in my head right now and can accept myself right where I am at today, this is good. It has been a beautiful day, I will take another 24... today's thought; "I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in Gods hands, that I still possess."- I do not know the author of this quote.
Friday, April 3, 2009
boy it is taking me 2 days to post this we just got back from getting a load of compost and there is a hellacious wind outside. we just got it spread over the garden area and we are working on fixing the flower box right now. Tomorrow i will be 36 years old. wow i remember when i thought 30 was old. i will post about my day tomorrow i need to get this posted or before i know it it will be tomorrow again!! so for todays thought; "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."--Will Rogers
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
boy am i losing it today, first i got upset and lost my temper looking for my dang cell phone, for 20 minutes!! Thank God my kids didn't see me. still have no phone it's completely gone. i have been snapping at the kids a lot lately and i am feeling really disconnected from NA and i have still not talked to my sponsor. I will try to make it a priority to go to a meeting tonight but these kids are out of control.
my oldest was told to use crutches for 2 weeks and stay off her foot, so i went and reanted some crutches last night for 30 bucks and then she asked if i would take her to school because she was embarrassed to have to use them, so i said i would take her. Then she gets out of my van and picks up the crutches and starts walking to class!!! I honked the horn and asked her "what are you doing?" and she said "I was going to use them after i got in class." Whatever. i just spent 30 dollars and we didn't have it to spend on medical supplies for her and she just doesn't get it. we do not have money for sports, but we need to see if she tore her acl or not anyway. I am not going to pay for her to be in sports if she is not going to do what she needs to do to take care of herself.
Then Wes's mom is coming for Easter, and she asked if his brother could come as well, which elated me and then made me nervous. but more happy than scared and then today at the studio Libby invited my family to go to her church for an easter service and I tried to explain to her that we had plans and it was like she wouldn't take no for an answer. So i will talk with Wes about it because this woman is doing so much for me and I would like to say yes to her invite, but a. i don't go to church, and my kids don't have easter clothes and we weren't going to get any due to lack of funds, b. Wes's family is coming in from Topeka and Missouri and i don't think it would be nice to make his mother go to a church even i've never been to when she has such a hard time getting around and how in the heck am i supposed to tell her no.
I feel like my head is going to pop, and i need to get more plants going so i have enough tomatoes and squash and peppers and I haven't got the time to do anything but maybe breathe.
This is how I get when I am away from NA for too long and i need to get my butt to a meeting before i burst, so the family will have to handle dinner without me tonight because I am going to be no good to anyone in my state of mind. todays thought;
to stop and smell the flowers."